• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

In memory of Jeremy

BluejayBlues

BluejayBlues

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2018
Messages
8
Monday, November 15th, I lost the love and light of my life, Jeremy. I know he was a member of this site, he's the one that introduced me to it, but I don't know his username. Because of that I shall just refer to him as I knew him. He loved this site and learned a lot from you all. He loved chemistry and the knowledge around the culture of drugs even when he didn't partake. You guys helped him when his mom abandoned him at the age of 14 to be responsible while he numbed himself through the experience.

He was an amazing man, had been through so much hardship and yet still managed to be one of the sweetest and most honest person I know. He loved me dearly and made it known at every turn and I the same. He was smart, he was funny, he was someone I could be and say anything with and he'd not judge.

We had so many nights of just talking: about nonsense, about serious subjects, anything. We could be open and honest with each other and know we'd never be judged for it, warts and all. We watched shows and and played video games together every day. We wanted to experience life together and grow old together.

He had been struggling with his depression and inner demons the last month and a half. He started back on meth and made sure I knew about it. I let him know my concerns but I trusted him to know when it was getting too much. He tried connecting with so many old friends only to have them lie, betray, and straight up leave him for dead when he smoked an oxy with one and ODd. Thankfully he was revived but was shaken profusely. He eventually got some pills from that same person, intent to take his own life or sell them. He changed his mind on the former but he had taken a hit of it to numb himself. He admitted he took this usage too far and he was stopping. That was the day before he passed.

That fateful day he was miserable, he was up all night vomitting violently. That day he was still very nauseated, sweating bullets that changed to chills then back to sweating. He told me over his skin was really clammy and pale. We thought he was just coming down off of whatever that was plus a hangover. He took one of his prescription meds as directed, klonopin, signed off of skype and laid down for a nap. He never came back.. he never woke up. I wish I would have put two and two together about the pill he took one hit off of and his klonopin. He was always so careful about that but being so tired and sick I think it lapsed his mind. I wish I could have been there to watch over him and take care of him but I'm stuck in a different state taking care of my father. I am lost, I am broken. This man was my everything. He made me stronger, he made me feel wanted and loved, he was the love of my life and I his. He left me too soon.

I love you, Jeremy. I hope all the pain you had in life is now gone and you are at peace. I know you never meant to hurt me by going away and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you or save you from your inner demons.
 
This is so very sad, and I'm sorry that you went through all of that and you lost the love of your life.

I know there's not much I can say to take your pain away, but just know that you are welcome here to express yourself however you like, and if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to me, or anyone else here that you're comfortable with. We will try our best to be there for you, at the very least. Sending lots of love your way ❤️
 
deficiT said:
This is so very sad, and I'm sorry that you went through all of that and you lost the love of your life.

I know there's not much I can say to take your pain away, but just know that you are welcome here to express yourself however you like, and if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to me, or anyone else here that you're comfortable with. We will try our best to be there for you, at the very least. Sending lots of love your way ❤️
Click to expand...
Thank you for having a place where I can openly talk about it. I know too many people who would judge him on his drug usage and the one little mistake that took him. That was not all he was about, he was so much more, but too often anyone who imbibes this stuff gets immediately written off. He doesn't deserve that, no one deserves that.

I have so many conflicting feelings. Guilt that I couldn't save him, self-loathing that I couldn't break him away from those inner demons. I have to deal with his parents right now: I hurt and weep for what they're experiencing but I hate them for all the things they've said and done to him to make him hate himself and life so much. If they had been even one iota kinder to him even in the last month he might not have felt the need to numb himself in the fashion he did that lead to this.

My own mother is stepping up to pay for cremation and such because we simply can't even trust his parents to do it or even make sure I get some of his ashes. He told me during one of his suicidal ideation moments last month what I'm suppose to get should he die. He wanted me to have his military medals, things he wasn't proud of himself but knew they showed he wasn't a scumbag or trash. His mother is now trying to claim he never was in the military or went to war...which is a flat out lie. Now I have to worry if she's trying to take and pocket the things he wanted me to have. Tangible things I can hold and know he had held.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss of Jeremy. May his soul rest in peace.

Don't blame yourself, that's the last thing you'd ever wanna do. Because it simply wasn't your fault...
 
It wasn't oxy, sounds like fentanyl.

Fuck fentanyl, a scourage. The US hit over 100k drug OD's this year. First time in US history I believe. A disproportionate portion were fentanyl overdoses.

Almost a form of economic warfare given that such fentanyl overdoses disproportionately kill relatively young men at an age that somewhat preceeds average peak earnings of a male in the US. Not saying its intentional in respect to the chinese government, i think its just pure greed frankly, im not a conspiracy adherent.
 
BluejayBlues said:
Monday, November 15th, I lost the love and light of my life, Jeremy. I know he was a member of this site, he's the one that introduced me to it, but I don't know his username. Because of that I shall just refer to him as I knew him. He loved this site and learned a lot from you all. He loved chemistry and the knowledge around the culture of drugs even when he didn't partake. You guys helped him when his mom abandoned him at the age of 14 to be responsible while he numbed himself through the experience.

He was an amazing man, had been through so much hardship and yet still managed to be one of the sweetest and most honest person I know. He loved me dearly and made it known at every turn and I the same. He was smart, he was funny, he was someone I could be and say anything with and he'd not judge.

We had so many nights of just talking: about nonsense, about serious subjects, anything. We could be open and honest with each other and know we'd never be judged for it, warts and all. We watched shows and and played video games together every day. We wanted to experience life together and grow old together.

He had been struggling with his depression and inner demons the last month and a half. He started back on meth and made sure I knew about it. I let him know my concerns but I trusted him to know when it was getting too much. He tried connecting with so many old friends only to have them lie, betray, and straight up leave him for dead when he smoked an oxy with one and ODd. Thankfully he was revived but was shaken profusely. He eventually got some pills from that same person, intent to take his own life or sell them. He changed his mind on the former but he had taken a hit of it to numb himself. He admitted he took this usage too far and he was stopping. That was the day before he passed.

That fateful day he was miserable, he was up all night vomitting violently. That day he was still very nauseated, sweating bullets that changed to chills then back to sweating. He told me over his skin was really clammy and pale. We thought he was just coming down off of whatever that was plus a hangover. He took one of his prescription meds as directed, klonopin, signed off of skype and laid down for a nap. He never came back.. he never woke up. I wish I would have put two and two together about the pill he took one hit off of and his klonopin. He was always so careful about that but being so tired and sick I think it lapsed his mind. I wish I could have been there to watch over him and take care of him but I'm stuck in a different state taking care of my father. I am lost, I am broken. This man was my everything. He made me stronger, he made me feel wanted and loved, he was the love of my life and I his. He left me too soon.

I love you, Jeremy. I hope all the pain you had in life is now gone and you are at peace. I know you never meant to hurt me by going away and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you or save you from your inner demons.
Click to expand...
My heart breaks for you, Bluejay. I am so very sorry for your loss of Jeremy. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through after losing the love of your life. I know you might be blaming yourself and feeling so helpless, but please know that it isn’t your fault for not being there with him physically. I can almost feel the love you had for this man by reading your post. I know there isn’t much I can really say to ease your pain, but you are more than welcome to message me anytime you feel like you need a friend or just someone to talk to. This community has a lot of good people who would be more than happy to be here for you while you’re going through this. I hope we can be of some comfort to you here 💜
 
negrogesic said:
It wasn't oxy, sounds like fentanyl.

Fuck fentanyl, a scourage. The US hit over 100k drug OD's this year. First time in US history I believe. A disproportionate portion were fentanyl overdoses.

Almost a form of economic warfare given that such fentanyl overdoses disproportionately kill relatively young men at an age that somewhat preceeds average peak earnings of a male in the US. Not saying its intentional in respect to the chinese government, i think its just pure greed frankly, im not a conspiracy adherent.
Click to expand...
Heheh, he would have loved to talk to you about that. He told me similar things when the subject of fentanyl came up when we would have drugscussions. All things drugs, not just consumption of it, was such a passion of his.

I plan on getting at least two tattoos to remember him by. One a modified Gonzo (Hunter S Thompson gonzo, not Muppet gonzo) similar in style and colour to the one he had that has his name instead of the word 'Gonzo'. The other is more my style: something related to the last thing we watched together at my request "Arlo the Alligator Boy" because I love animation as a medium. There's a song that has the lyrics "Something is missing inside" and that will be part of the tattoo.

I am also planting a tree out front of the house in memoriam to him. Dogwood because that was his favorite and always the tree species he'd name when trying to think of literally any other type of tree lol. When I get his cremains I plan on spreading some ashes with the tree, having some in a pendant on a necklace with the engagement/promise ring he gave me (we hadn't decided if we wanted to do an actual wedding or leave it be symbolic marriage), and keeping the rest so I can talk to him as I grieve.
 
May Jeremy rest in peace. It pains me to hear of such loss, especially knowing how that person was loved so much. My thoughts are with you and everyone who cared for him. <3
 
i'm so sorry for your loss. that sounds like an awful way for someone to go. i hope you are able to find some peace and healing.
 
BluejayBlues said:
Thank you for having a place where I can openly talk about it. I know too many people who would judge him on his drug usage and the one little mistake that took him. That was not all he was about, he was so much more, but too often anyone who imbibes this stuff gets immediately written off. He doesn't deserve that, no one deserves that.

I have so many conflicting feelings. Guilt that I couldn't save him, self-loathing that I couldn't break him away from those inner demons. I have to deal with his parents right now: I hurt and weep for what they're experiencing but I hate them for all the things they've said and done to him to make him hate himself and life so much. If they had been even one iota kinder to him even in the last month he might not have felt the need to numb himself in the fashion he did that lead to this.

My own mother is stepping up to pay for cremation and such because we simply can't even trust his parents to do it or even make sure I get some of his ashes. He told me during one of his suicidal ideation moments last month what I'm suppose to get should he die. He wanted me to have his military medals, things he wasn't proud of himself but knew they showed he wasn't a scumbag or trash. His mother is now trying to claim he never was in the military or went to war...which is a flat out lie. Now I have to worry if she's trying to take and pocket the things he wanted me to have. Tangible things I can hold and know he had held.
Click to expand...
Wow, that's horrible about his parents. I hope you're able to get his medals.
 
So sorry for your loss. I can hear how much you loved him, and he loved you. Love never dies. Be kind to yourself.
I agree, sounds a lot like fentanyl OD. Stay safe.
 
it pains me for your loss, please take the best care of yourself now, sometimes we think and do odd things in grief, you both sound like amazing folks, and he will live in hearts forever
 
My mom might end up calling up the ME in the hopes of a straight answer because his mother is being very unreliable with information, especially since I think she realizes she can't weedle money out of us over this.

My mom is my rock right now, she's going above and beyond to help take care of things for Jeremy, paying for his cremation, making sure I get what Jeremy wanted me to have, planting a tree with a plaque for him. She is hurting as well but she is making sure I'm going to be ok.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top