LandsUnknown
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2014
- Messages
- 1,077
While I have used and still use other substances, my use of alcohol is my primary concern here. Honestly, I am not completely sure why, but drinking for me seems to be a bit different than a lot of people. And yes, I do have an extensive family history of alcoholism. Hopefully, I have not truly crossed the line into truly losing control and descending into mental and/or physical addiction to alcohol. Unfortunately, I am concerned that I may have or could be on the precipice of something. During my adult life, I have always been a bit of a heavy drinker. I first started drinking when I was 17, just sneaking wine/liquor from my parents.
However, the way that I drank seemed a bit different than your ordinary teenager slipping booze from the liquor cabinet. I was not simply slipping a bit of booze for a party or something like that. The first time I drank (by myself) I really innately enjoyed the experience of being drunk quite a lot, and I pretty quickly began to secretly drink several times a week. Not daily but anywhere from 3-5 times per week. At that time, a relatively small amount got me where I wanted to be. But I began experimenting with drinking a bit more. As an adult, I initially just stuck to drinking a few times a week when I was 21 or so. But by then, I had drank enough and often enough that I had built a decent/pretty heavy tolerance. 6 or 7 standard sized beers was (and still is) enough for a light buzz. But not really much else.
I'd drink that amount often/even most nights during college, even if I was by myself. And at parties, I would drink somewhat phenomenal amounts without really being all that impaired mentally. Sometimes, I'd usually drink 12-15 beers or so and be drunk (e.g. a bit sloppy and such) but still pretty much with it mentally. I'd usually go out and drink this much 3-4 times per week during college. Sometimes even a little bit more. I hardly ever threw up or anything like that. This has only happened a tiny handful of times. Some friends of mine for then said that I never really acted fucked up from alcohol, that it was always kind of hard to tell if I was drunk/drinking heavily. Because I didn't really seem very drunk or even necessarily drunk at all. I seem to naturally have a pretty high tolerance. By the time I was in my early 20s, I started drinking every day. In order to even feel anything remotely worthwhile as far as a buzz, I have to drink 5-7 average size/ABV beers or the equivalent.
I have been drinking this amount nightly (unless I was sick or something or on antibiotics) for quite some time. It's a routine, daily thing. The thought of not drinking is quite bothersome to me, bums me out, and even makes me a bit anxious. Though, if I've had to go without for some medical reason like I explained, I will be able to do it without any real issue. However, due to the pandemic, my drinking has escalated to a rather worrisome extent. My previous pattern of drinking caused no problems as long as I didn't drink the hard stuff. My behavior would be completely normal. Often, even if I did drink the hard stuff, it'd be fine. It often would be, but spirits seem to sometimes fuck with my behavior in a way that beer doesn't. My tolerance is and always has been borderline phenomenal.
One time I drank nearly a whole fifth of vodka (all but 3 shots) with an 8% 12 ounce can of beer for a "chaser" in a little over an hour. Why? Just because. I was by myself at the time, just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. Next thing I know, a little over an hour later the fifth is damn near gone. This unfortunately did not go so well, as I threw up once or twice and STUPIDLY punched a metal chair with full force and got an extremely deep gash on my hand as a result that got infected. For a while, I stopped drinking the hard stuff and stopped binging. Had it pretty good and together for quite a while actually. Then, coronavirus came along, and I began going to the store less frequently in order to reduce my risk of exposure. I work from home, so I do not have to go out other than for essential stuff/buying alcohol.
So, I began to buy more alcohol to "stock up" for a few nights. As you may be expecting, I began to finish off the supply a bit early, which sometimes led to binges. By myself, for no real reason. And at times, I have drank some pretty frightening and incredible amounts as I seem to have an uncanny ability and tendency to do at times. A couple of weeks ago, I drank 1.25 gallons, yes I looked at my receipt from the liquor store and counted it.....1.25 GALLONS of 7.5-8% beer (different percentages but all within this range). And what happened? Surprisingly, not a whole heck of a lot. A bit of a hangover. But wasn't really even all that crazy drunk honestly. A little sloppy and such but nothing too crazy really. I seem to have a weird combination of high tolerance and yet a tendency to drink and drink and drink, regardless.
My tolerance is naturally pretty high, and drinking my version of a "moderate" amount (e.g. a couple 24 ounce tall boys of 8% beer) has always just given me a light buzz in my adult life, no hangover though. Yet I never would willingly go without that amount. However, if I have to, I will. And thus far, nothing has really happened in terms of negative effects when I don't drink exactly. Just a bit bummed out and such (e.g. no physical dependence on it, just psychological). Unfortunately, my drinking has recently dramatically escalated due to the changes in my behavior as a result of the pandemic/social distancing. Now, I am drinking the equivalent of approximately 10-15 standard size and ABV beers per night (I get high gravity stuff that's 8% or so, and I'll drink approximately 60-100+ ounces of high gravity 8% beer per night.
Sometimes I'll have a couple shots of whiskey as well, usually Irish whiskey or scotch these days. Used to drink vodka but not so much anymore. Though, I do usually stick to beer. All along, I have primarily drank beer. And neat whiskeys and vodkas occasionally. While I do certainly drink primarily for the drunken effects, I do also drink alcohol for the taste. With beer, I enjoy a variety of craft beers. Especially stouts but IPAs. I drink cider sometimes as well, not as often. But this Scottish cider is my favorite as far as cider goes. Even with vodka, when I drink it, I actually enjoy/savor the taste of the different brands. Some say that it's "tasteless", which is absolutely not true. The different varieties in taste are simply quite subtle, unless one becomes familiar with it.
Good vodka is incredibly smooth in a way that's hard to describe and has a mouthfeel that's indescribable and honestly amazing if you put it in the freezer for a while. Overall, I'd say that scotch is my favorite spirit though nowadays. Irish and Canadian whiskey is pretty good too. But I'd drink a 200ml bottle of cheap vodka and a 16 ounce Steel Reserve if that's all that was around. So, I do not actually just "drink for the taste". Though, I often say that. Certainly, I'd rather a few pints of craft beer or some good scotch with an IPA for a chaser than some random swill. And good beer/spirits do certainly taste good to me. But at the end of the day, the goal for me is of course the effects. My use of alcohol is concerning to me, but I do have a pretty solid track history of stopping my consumption entirely when out of necessity without any issues.
And prior to the pandemic, I actually had my alcohol use very well in check since I'd only get a certain amount each night, drink that, and that'd be all that was around until the next day. Nowadays though, I am a bit concerned. While alcohol is and always has been the primary concern here, I do use other substances as well and often have. In the past, I used to often use cannabis. Though, this was never a daily routine necessarily. And I did not have anything remotely resembling my relationship with alcohol to it. As I got older, I actually hardly ever use cannabis at all. By hardly ever, I mean years could pass without me using it or even thinking about it. There is simply no way that this would be the case with alcohol for me. No more plausible than waking up and looking out the window at a flock of flying pigs.
Currently, I do use stimulants. However, I didn't for many years, and I do not have anything quite like my relationship with alcohol to them. First off, I do not use meth or any non-medical stimulants, such as cocaine or meth. However, I do take Adderall and also propylhexedrine at times for recreational purposes/focus. This adds another layer to this issue. If I'm on propylhexedrine, I feel the urge to drink is heightened. It masks the effects of the alcohol to an extent and also seems to synergize with it in a way that increases my cravings. This clearly can cause problems. The use of each exacerbates my use of the other. With my prescribed Adderall, this is not so much the case. I simply take my Adderall in the morning (sometimes a little more than my prescribed dose; e.g. an extra pill or half a pill at times not running out two weeks early or anything like that). This works fine. However, things are a bit different now.
My incredibly excessive alcohol consumption has led to me taking more Adderall in the mornings, to cancel out the hangover. This leads to running out earlier or being in danger of running out earlier, which leads to more frequent use of propylhexedrine in order to act as a temporary substitute in a sense (and also an increased appreciation of it simply as a way to get high off it). This leads to me drinking more at night, due to the increased tolerance/masking from the PPX when I do this. Thus, it creates a bit of a vicious cycle. Prior to the pandemic, things were in a pretty stable state. However, I am concerned that I am developing a serious addiction to alcohol and may be on the way to developing a drug problem as well. I'm really not quite sure what to do here, but clearly drinking five pints of 8% beer every night is going to cause major problems at some point sooner or later.
Weirdly, I have never been one to go on binges with drugs. Just alcohol. Sure, there would be times when I'd smoke a lot of pot and get really high, but there's just something strange and disturbing about my tendency to drink like an absolute fish that could potentially drink a gallon or more of beer in one sitting. And have difficulty controlling myself at times. Never really felt like this with other substances. I wouldn't binge on stimulants like that, never have with anything else. Yet other substances are far more euphoric than alcohol. Alcohol is quite mundane in how it feels to me. Yet somehow this is the only substance that I have had this strange draw/serious and possibly unstoppable compulsions with.
However, the way that I drank seemed a bit different than your ordinary teenager slipping booze from the liquor cabinet. I was not simply slipping a bit of booze for a party or something like that. The first time I drank (by myself) I really innately enjoyed the experience of being drunk quite a lot, and I pretty quickly began to secretly drink several times a week. Not daily but anywhere from 3-5 times per week. At that time, a relatively small amount got me where I wanted to be. But I began experimenting with drinking a bit more. As an adult, I initially just stuck to drinking a few times a week when I was 21 or so. But by then, I had drank enough and often enough that I had built a decent/pretty heavy tolerance. 6 or 7 standard sized beers was (and still is) enough for a light buzz. But not really much else.
I'd drink that amount often/even most nights during college, even if I was by myself. And at parties, I would drink somewhat phenomenal amounts without really being all that impaired mentally. Sometimes, I'd usually drink 12-15 beers or so and be drunk (e.g. a bit sloppy and such) but still pretty much with it mentally. I'd usually go out and drink this much 3-4 times per week during college. Sometimes even a little bit more. I hardly ever threw up or anything like that. This has only happened a tiny handful of times. Some friends of mine for then said that I never really acted fucked up from alcohol, that it was always kind of hard to tell if I was drunk/drinking heavily. Because I didn't really seem very drunk or even necessarily drunk at all. I seem to naturally have a pretty high tolerance. By the time I was in my early 20s, I started drinking every day. In order to even feel anything remotely worthwhile as far as a buzz, I have to drink 5-7 average size/ABV beers or the equivalent.
I have been drinking this amount nightly (unless I was sick or something or on antibiotics) for quite some time. It's a routine, daily thing. The thought of not drinking is quite bothersome to me, bums me out, and even makes me a bit anxious. Though, if I've had to go without for some medical reason like I explained, I will be able to do it without any real issue. However, due to the pandemic, my drinking has escalated to a rather worrisome extent. My previous pattern of drinking caused no problems as long as I didn't drink the hard stuff. My behavior would be completely normal. Often, even if I did drink the hard stuff, it'd be fine. It often would be, but spirits seem to sometimes fuck with my behavior in a way that beer doesn't. My tolerance is and always has been borderline phenomenal.
One time I drank nearly a whole fifth of vodka (all but 3 shots) with an 8% 12 ounce can of beer for a "chaser" in a little over an hour. Why? Just because. I was by myself at the time, just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. Next thing I know, a little over an hour later the fifth is damn near gone. This unfortunately did not go so well, as I threw up once or twice and STUPIDLY punched a metal chair with full force and got an extremely deep gash on my hand as a result that got infected. For a while, I stopped drinking the hard stuff and stopped binging. Had it pretty good and together for quite a while actually. Then, coronavirus came along, and I began going to the store less frequently in order to reduce my risk of exposure. I work from home, so I do not have to go out other than for essential stuff/buying alcohol.
So, I began to buy more alcohol to "stock up" for a few nights. As you may be expecting, I began to finish off the supply a bit early, which sometimes led to binges. By myself, for no real reason. And at times, I have drank some pretty frightening and incredible amounts as I seem to have an uncanny ability and tendency to do at times. A couple of weeks ago, I drank 1.25 gallons, yes I looked at my receipt from the liquor store and counted it.....1.25 GALLONS of 7.5-8% beer (different percentages but all within this range). And what happened? Surprisingly, not a whole heck of a lot. A bit of a hangover. But wasn't really even all that crazy drunk honestly. A little sloppy and such but nothing too crazy really. I seem to have a weird combination of high tolerance and yet a tendency to drink and drink and drink, regardless.
My tolerance is naturally pretty high, and drinking my version of a "moderate" amount (e.g. a couple 24 ounce tall boys of 8% beer) has always just given me a light buzz in my adult life, no hangover though. Yet I never would willingly go without that amount. However, if I have to, I will. And thus far, nothing has really happened in terms of negative effects when I don't drink exactly. Just a bit bummed out and such (e.g. no physical dependence on it, just psychological). Unfortunately, my drinking has recently dramatically escalated due to the changes in my behavior as a result of the pandemic/social distancing. Now, I am drinking the equivalent of approximately 10-15 standard size and ABV beers per night (I get high gravity stuff that's 8% or so, and I'll drink approximately 60-100+ ounces of high gravity 8% beer per night.
Sometimes I'll have a couple shots of whiskey as well, usually Irish whiskey or scotch these days. Used to drink vodka but not so much anymore. Though, I do usually stick to beer. All along, I have primarily drank beer. And neat whiskeys and vodkas occasionally. While I do certainly drink primarily for the drunken effects, I do also drink alcohol for the taste. With beer, I enjoy a variety of craft beers. Especially stouts but IPAs. I drink cider sometimes as well, not as often. But this Scottish cider is my favorite as far as cider goes. Even with vodka, when I drink it, I actually enjoy/savor the taste of the different brands. Some say that it's "tasteless", which is absolutely not true. The different varieties in taste are simply quite subtle, unless one becomes familiar with it.
Good vodka is incredibly smooth in a way that's hard to describe and has a mouthfeel that's indescribable and honestly amazing if you put it in the freezer for a while. Overall, I'd say that scotch is my favorite spirit though nowadays. Irish and Canadian whiskey is pretty good too. But I'd drink a 200ml bottle of cheap vodka and a 16 ounce Steel Reserve if that's all that was around. So, I do not actually just "drink for the taste". Though, I often say that. Certainly, I'd rather a few pints of craft beer or some good scotch with an IPA for a chaser than some random swill. And good beer/spirits do certainly taste good to me. But at the end of the day, the goal for me is of course the effects. My use of alcohol is concerning to me, but I do have a pretty solid track history of stopping my consumption entirely when out of necessity without any issues.
And prior to the pandemic, I actually had my alcohol use very well in check since I'd only get a certain amount each night, drink that, and that'd be all that was around until the next day. Nowadays though, I am a bit concerned. While alcohol is and always has been the primary concern here, I do use other substances as well and often have. In the past, I used to often use cannabis. Though, this was never a daily routine necessarily. And I did not have anything remotely resembling my relationship with alcohol to it. As I got older, I actually hardly ever use cannabis at all. By hardly ever, I mean years could pass without me using it or even thinking about it. There is simply no way that this would be the case with alcohol for me. No more plausible than waking up and looking out the window at a flock of flying pigs.
Currently, I do use stimulants. However, I didn't for many years, and I do not have anything quite like my relationship with alcohol to them. First off, I do not use meth or any non-medical stimulants, such as cocaine or meth. However, I do take Adderall and also propylhexedrine at times for recreational purposes/focus. This adds another layer to this issue. If I'm on propylhexedrine, I feel the urge to drink is heightened. It masks the effects of the alcohol to an extent and also seems to synergize with it in a way that increases my cravings. This clearly can cause problems. The use of each exacerbates my use of the other. With my prescribed Adderall, this is not so much the case. I simply take my Adderall in the morning (sometimes a little more than my prescribed dose; e.g. an extra pill or half a pill at times not running out two weeks early or anything like that). This works fine. However, things are a bit different now.
My incredibly excessive alcohol consumption has led to me taking more Adderall in the mornings, to cancel out the hangover. This leads to running out earlier or being in danger of running out earlier, which leads to more frequent use of propylhexedrine in order to act as a temporary substitute in a sense (and also an increased appreciation of it simply as a way to get high off it). This leads to me drinking more at night, due to the increased tolerance/masking from the PPX when I do this. Thus, it creates a bit of a vicious cycle. Prior to the pandemic, things were in a pretty stable state. However, I am concerned that I am developing a serious addiction to alcohol and may be on the way to developing a drug problem as well. I'm really not quite sure what to do here, but clearly drinking five pints of 8% beer every night is going to cause major problems at some point sooner or later.
Weirdly, I have never been one to go on binges with drugs. Just alcohol. Sure, there would be times when I'd smoke a lot of pot and get really high, but there's just something strange and disturbing about my tendency to drink like an absolute fish that could potentially drink a gallon or more of beer in one sitting. And have difficulty controlling myself at times. Never really felt like this with other substances. I wouldn't binge on stimulants like that, never have with anything else. Yet other substances are far more euphoric than alcohol. Alcohol is quite mundane in how it feels to me. Yet somehow this is the only substance that I have had this strange draw/serious and possibly unstoppable compulsions with.
More especially that you are able to drink 1 gallon of beer in 1 sitting.
