Mental Health I'm still here, but my mental health is steadily declining.

[thizzin' since 98]

Hey guys, it's Thizzin,

I'm still alive but not doing well at all. My mental health is steadily declining. I'm trying so so hard to stay, but my quality of life is spiraling further and further down the drain.

I keep reading over all of your responses to my previous threads (and I appolagize for clogging up the forums with new thread after new thread) trying to give my self hope, but it's so fucking hard.

My anxiety has been insane. I've become so dizzy that when I get up to use the restroom, I'll lose balance and fall against the wall. I wake up everyday in a cold sweat, I feel pressure in my head, I feel disconnected from reality, when I walk outside, I feel numb to the world, I shake like I have Parkinsons, I cry and cry on the edge of my bed. I feel a darkness deep in my stomach. No matter how much rest I get, I feel exhausted.

I take around 2mg alprazolam every day. And I'm still anxious. I'm about to lose my job and I'm not able to work enough, to make enough money to cover my bills. I'm a delivery driver, and I find myself driving from house to house, feeling like I'm in a 'dream state', more like a nightmare though.

I often catch myself talking to myself in my head, thinking, "I could just swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I see a big semi truck coming towards me, and it could all be over."

I can't think clearly enough and don't have the energy to even try to better myself anymore at this point. No one truely cares about me, as we all have our own problems and life to live, I'm just another statistic, just another ant scurrying around on this earth.

I was able to make it to the Dr last week, and she talked to me for about 5 minutes and prescribed me 5mg Lexapro, which I have still yet to take, I'm not sure why, I look at the bottle every morning and decide not to take it. I know, I'm an idiot.

The Dr also refused to prescribe me any sort of Benzo, resulting in me having to acquire it, in a different way, because without any sort of benzo I'm literally almost physically disabled it feels like. I told her that it definitely helps a little bit and I've been prescribed Alprazolam in the past, it shows right there on my medical records, but she claims the Lexapro is all I need.

I've dug myself into an even deeper hole, because I feel like I may be dependant on benzo's now, and maybe that's what causing my symptoms to have spiraled so quickly in the past month or so. I've been taking close to 2mg daily, of either Alprazolam, Clonopin, or Ativan for at least the last 4 months.

I remember not even a year ago, being able to take .25mg Alprazolam, and it making me feel a lot better for the next few hours. I don't know how it got so bad, so fast.

Should I just take the Lexapro? I'm just so confused, I can't make decisions for myself anymore.

Sorry again for posting so many repetitive threads. You can delete this if need be.

- Thizzin' :'(

 

[brink]

5mg lexapro may be a little on the low side, but perhaps that's standard for some. It'd be worth seeing a different doctor, so as to not have to pay out the nose for meds. Some, if they are genuinely interested in your well being, will be more open to suggestions based on what's worked well in the past (alprazolam). Doctor shopping can be a chore... many will work with you, though, if you pose the requests as questions, mentioning what sort of drugs have been helpful.

I tried a bunch of different meds on my own before asking a doc about certain ones. Keep in mind that I never had prescriptions for drugs I asked the doc about, although based on prior positive experience, and it wasn't brought up. Wouldn't recommend going rogue to anyone, as varying drugs can often make depression much worse. And buying drugs without prescriptions can be costly. All that aside, lexapro was one that worked well for me for reducing worry with no significant side effects. Mainly took it with remeron, which can apparently counter sexual sides.

Would recommend trying the Lexapro, since you have the prescription from your doctor. But please find a different doctor and see what they can make of the symptoms you present.

 

[UncookMyBrain]

Take the lexapro and keep seeing your psychiatrist. You also need to tell your doctor you are on benzos and you have to come off them eventually. You are depressed that's why you have no energy and you have negative thoughts. The benzos are the wrong medication for you.
You need to take the lexapro despite how you feel or what your thoughts are. You also need some form of therapy such as cbt, act or dbt.

 

[johnlesliemackie]

hear ya; and because of my previous experiences with drugs i'm forced to frequently leave urine tests, mostly without gain, since my doctor is pharmacologically naive: he stated, in an assertive tone, that benzodiazepanes, mainly diazepam -- the drug we discussed -- mediates visible and subjective effects days after intake. in this case he referred to the 3 x 5 mg diazepam i took during one month, strictly as needed.

i'm sympathetic to your problem, severely so. i myself is/feel trapped inside my body, constatly in a state of terror, with a feeling comparale to hundreds of vile rats trying to eat their way through your chest cavity. add chronic diarrhea to that and yea.

less suicidal nowadays though

although i'm not as perfect as robert durst i have to admit that 30-50 min of cardio and l-theanine (200-600 mg) work well, as in you feel more clearheaded and less anxious (especially if your anxiety induces a lot of physical symptoms).