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TDS im so sad right now

A

adillonm15

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 9, 2009
Messages
186
Location
So Cal
im 19 years old.

i used to take oxys, maybe 3 times amonth, and it was awesome. I finally felt like i was the person i always wanted to be.

then i started smoking heroin, and i did it every day. that lasted about 3 weeks until my parents found out, and sent me to rehab. i went for 30 days last october-november.

since i've been home, ive smoked heroin about 5 times, taken oxy twice, and started drinking a lot and started smoking weed. i also have abused the fuck out of phenibut. i feel like complete shit about myself im just, not happy.

my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me too, and she really is the best friend i've ever had. i swear to you if it wasnt for drugs, wed be on our way to getting married right now, but nope.

last night i drank 2 40s while on phenibut, by myself, and got fucked up. why?! i dont know! this morning i also drank another 40 and smoked a stog, and i havent eaten anything yet! im just nauseous and depressed as fuck!

i got a job at a grocery store and i really like it a lot, but i have a feeling im going to get fired. idk why. i feel like everyone thinks im literally retarded. like i have some mental handicap. but i don't?! i know im a smart guy, i know a lot! why do i FEEL retarded?!

i dont really know what else to say. i feel fucking depressed, and socially anxious all the time. i lie to my parents, and theyre the ones that have stuck with me through everything. it makes me feel shitty and idk why i do it. i also feel like complete shit for ruining such an amazing relationship. she was always so good to me, and i fucked her over.

i just feel like a complete idiot and like im in everyones way.

when im out with people i feel fantastic, if im drunk, but thats the only way.

but i feel like everyone hates me, hell, i hate me.

i just don't know what to do anymore. ):
 
Drugs like heroin have a tendency to get in between the user and their job, their partner, and their family..
The smartest & most committed people can have their lives destroyed within weeks as a result of opiate abuse (& addiction).
You say since you've gotten out of rehab, you have been using heroin, oxy, alcohol & weed..?
These 4 substances are a serious recipe for disaster.. These combinations will continue to string you out until you have lost everything, and then you may realize that you are neck-deep in an awful addiction..
Then, if you try and stop, the withdrawals will kick in.. And a totally new level of your addiction will arise..
I'm sure you are already aware of all this, but I just want to remind you of the facts, because you're very young and still do have a chance to turn things around before it is too late.
 
i do want to turn things around, and have all the success in the world. and i know i can do it, but somehow in the heat of the moment, my brain says, that i cant do it, not without the help of drugs at least.
 
Dude. Stay away from opiates or you'll wish ya had. I say this from experience, I also went to rehab at 19 for heroin, but had been strung out since the tender age of 14.

Don't do it bro. Unless you wanna end up living in a van, DOWN BY THE RIVER! (and that's if you're lucky)
 
I just lost a precious friend to heroin. Seeing what it did to his family and friends, both his abuse and his death is truly hurtful... He was so loved, and so are probably you too.

I wish you the best of luck getting clean:)
 
I 'was' clean for a few weeks from a 2 year stint. Went to an ibogaine clinic to detox and cleaned up a lot of aspects of my life. regardless of that, for the last 3 weeks I have suffered some of the worst depression I have ever imagined and I'd consider myself a very depressed person so I'd like to think I know what it feels like.

All I can say is. No matter how bad life seems now and how much better opiates make life feel, it's not worth the end result when starting at such a young age.

Although, I'm only using kratom over the past week, the feeling while using compared to the intense misery over these past few weeks has left me right back at square one. I feel like I'm right back on that slippery slope of addiction and I can feel it pulling me back into its grasp.

Using isn't the answer. Clean up your diet and get proper nutrients and exercise. This may sound cliche and stupid, but i mean, really cleaning up your diet to whole organic foods. You'd be amazed at the differences that can bring!

PM for my email if you need to chat. I'm 25. I have a feeling i know what you're going through and would love to hear your story in full length.
 
Hey OP sorry to hear about your situation. I've done oxy's a handful of times and know what you mean by how you feel 'complete' as a person. Just remember that artificial forms of happiness are just that - artificial. When I've used drugs continuously every day I start to find that things which would normally make me happy become dull. I think this is why using substances is such a slippery slope and there is a very fine line between enjoying drugs to enhance the experience and relying on them in order to feel happy. This is obviously easier said than done but the longer you go without using the better you will feel in the long term. Maybe the drugs are just a band-aid to your problems but if you really want to grow as a person you need to tackle whatever issues you have in a positive manner and keep persisting in resolving them. In regards to breaking up with your girlfriend, appreciate what you had and all the good times you had together. You fucked up and are dealing with the consequences now but rather than dwelling on it and going deeper and deeper into misery use this as a learning step to see what you can avoid doing in the future in terms of relationships. Best of luck and try and keep your head up. You feel like complete shit now but the longer you keep using these drugs the deeper you will dig yourself. Take care of yourself and remember you're only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you and are loved by many!
 
That happiness and sense of baseless fulfillment is short-lived... Once you've had opiates in your system long enough, or any other substance really, you'll suddenly realize that you're not able to feel any real emotions at all other than frustration, anger and sadness, there is no "high" anymore. And by then the stuff has dug its hooks in deep enough that the only escape is a slow and painful torture of a level that no man should have to endure... The whole "been there, done that" story might get old pretty quick, but people tell it because it's hard enough to go through it yourself without watching another human being do the same thing.

Life is just better without drugs period, no matter how miserable you might be otherwise... Took me wasting the majority of my 20's with constant abuse and losing everything important to me to realize that... Job of eight years, the love of my life, all my friends, my truck, apartment, money, the whole shebang.

Unfortunately for a lot of people, talk is cheap, and to come out on the other side they have to live it themselves, but it's a big gamble whether or not they ever do. Do yourself a favor. Don't be that guy... Life sucks too much to be sad.

Good luck, dude.
 
Wow, crazy reading this post from a year and a half ago. Really puts into perspective where I was at.

Thought I'd update you guys, as well as myself.

After lots of trial & error, I've been clean for 11 months now. I'm back in college, doing great, I've got a new job, and I've been getting really involved in helping out my church (youth ministry) and building a relationship with God.

I can now say that I am the happiest I've been since I can remember, and that I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around. I have dreams again, and I'm working towards them a day at a time. It's been humbling, I've had my ups and downs, but i've learned to appreciate those downs, as well as all of life in general.

It was nice to read my posts. Sometimes I forget how far along I have come, but honestly guys, being sober has given me everything that drugs promised to offer, but never gave me.
 
Thanks for the update--it's always great to hear when things go well. Could you share your process for recovery? What were your initial struggles and how have they changed over time? What worked the best for you and what didn't help at all? I think it is helpful for others to hear details. Lot's of people may not be able to relate to the religious aspect of what is working for you but the bottom line is that healing and recovery are available to everyone regardless of belief systems.

Again, congratulations on all your hard work!<3
 
That's amazing adillonm. :) <3 Congrats on turning your life around. Sounds like you have filled your life with other things that fulfill you which is IMO a hugely important part of recovery. It's what I did, and I've been off opiates for over 4 months now. :)
 
herbavore said:
Thanks for the update--it's always great to hear when things go well. Could you share your process for recovery? What were your initial struggles and how have they changed over time? What worked the best for you and what didn't help at all? I think it is helpful for others to hear details. Lot's of people may not be able to relate to the religious aspect of what is working for you but the bottom line is that healing and recovery are available to everyone regardless of belief systems.

Again, congratulations on all your hard work!<3
Click to expand...


Sorry for the several-months-late reply, but maybe someone will still get something out of this.

I think the biggest thing that kept holding me back was I wanted to fix myself. It would work for a while but I'd always revert to my old ways.

The most important moment in recovering, and probably the hardest, was admitting that I can't fix myself. As soon as I accepted this, that's when I had an epiphany of sorts that I had to fully embrace a new life instead of trying to fix my old one.

Now, I've been very fortunate to have a loving family that has always stuck by my side, and they're still a huge part of my life and our relationships are better than ever. However, pretty much everyone else that was apart of my life is now out of it. I had to make new friends and aquantainces. That was a major turning point.
 
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