Mental Health I'm just slowly loosing it

[Eyes On the Roll]

It's been a lifelong process, and whatever is inside of me, has always been there.

I'm physically healthy now, and young of age. I look back on my life and notice a pattern, and it seems like this pattern never will end.

It's been time and time again, that I've had something going good for myself. I feel something building up inside of me, wanting to burst. I can literally feel it happening. It's like a volcano about to rupture, and I am self aware that it is happening. I can suppress it, but only for so long.

My latest incident happened a couple months ago. I was passive, calm, and normal. I knew it wasn't going to last, though, because I'd been through this before. Then, I met this girl (this is how it usually starts), and I could feel everything that lies beneath my exterior personality begin to bubble. That's when I start to loose control, and my actions aren't as calculated as they should be.

I'm usually very calm, calculated, and unfeeling. I know that if I get close to a person, I loose control, and I am no longer in control of my actions, and it always leads to disaster. Whenever I start to feel a sense of attachment, or openness with a person; that's when I know that I really have to grab the reins. I slowly loose control, because I let everything that's suppressed inside of me begin to surface.

And then, it's like.. I can't even explain it. I'll just dissociate from my normal calculated self, and do things that rupture all sorts of structure I had in my life. This dissociation can last a long time, and it usually lasts until I've just hit rock bottom, and I'm stuck with my normal unfeeling, apathetic, and orderly self.

Explaining the dissociation that I go through is extremely hard to do. I'm trying to explain it, but it's so hard. It's like this, I'm normally orderly, structured, and absent of emotions. Something, or someone, always triggers my suppressed emotions (usually a female), and I just go into the third person, flooded with emotions, for the next few months, and then it all ends, at the snap of a fingers. I look back on it, and I can easily separate the dissociated moments with the moments with my true self, because some of the memories will be a foggy dreamlike state, and in my normal moments I'll be completely in touch with what is happening.

It's like I suppress my emotions for several months at a time, and I feel fine. I feel in control. Unemotional, apathetic, and driven. Those suppressed emotions all eventually burst forth though, and I just can't even deal with them, so my mind dissociates itself from everything to protect me from the emotions I was never able to deal with. It's been a problematic spiral, and I just can't seem to get ahead, no matter how hard I try. As self aware as I am, I just can't seem to fix this. I've been aware of this for a while now. I know it's never going to end, and when it does end, I'll probably be dead, and not from suicide, but from me doing something ridiculously impulsive.

 

[Vaya]

I think you absolutely nailed it with the analogy to a volcano, here. But when you see a volcano slowly spewing its magma and gases, rarely does a monstrous explosion follow. We see this only when the forces within, pent-up for god knows how long, give way to the pressure; disaster ensues. This is an inevitability.

Why, then, do you think it has habitual for you to suppress that which lies beneath? In doing so, preventing your own self from experiencing a healthy (and controlled) release of emotions until the boundary between stability and chaos is breached?

My first reaction to reading your words can best be iterated by the following question: Can it be said, from your personal perspective, that suppressing your emotions has ever lead to a positive and proactive long-term outcome for you? It is a question I believe you already managed to answer, in that you describe these episodes of dissociation and loss of control as 'cyclical.' And if there's something I've learned - about society and the self alike - it is that the wheels of history tend to repeat themselves.

I'm not absolutely clear whether or not you've come to view your lack of emotion as a positive attribute, but I'm inclined to suggest that it may be just the opposite. It may, in fact, be the causative factor leading to those repetitive episodes of loss of control you experience.

That, then, begs just one more question (hope you don't mind...): Would it be disagreeable, in your eyes, to seek out those emotions that lie beneath and allow yourself to experience them? Being calculated in nature can have its benefits; this I do not doubt. But to be emotionless is to deny the very essence of what it means to be human; that which makes our species, our interactions and, indeed, our capabilities so intensely unique and beautiful?

The very first step in learning to cope with our emotions and strengthen our sense of self is to acknowledge and believe that we have a self worth strengthening.

 

[ᵝᴱᵀᴬ]

I feel this a lot too man, I always go through these periods, and never seem to recover from them; they become automatically repressed without my own control over the issues at hand and I forget. Each time it's like another brick on my shoulder. Vaya has summed it up perfectly, and has actually given me some hope. I hope you break out of this, I hope I do too.

 

[RecklessWOT]

I know exactly how you feel. I am losing it again as we speak. I've been doing alright on and off for years now. Sometimes it's real bad then I bounce back and I'm just numb to it just with a little less emotion, more apathy, and feeling less hopeful that things will ever stay normal. I just stay focused on the road I am on until it is no longer an option. It also gets worse every time it does slip.

Wish I knew the answer to help you out, but I haven't found out yet.

I feel you on that last part. I'm getting older, I doubt it will ever end while I am alive. I feel like I'm about to miss the bus, if I don't figure this shit out soon I will just end up a screwed up old man who didn't get to enjoy a real life. I'm not gonna commit suicide either because that's guaranteed ending your life in misery with no chance of it getting better. But I know I will die as a result of my own actions soon. I am an incredibly reckless person as it is. With the drugs I take, with the way I drive, the chances I take, my attitude, my anger, it's a matter of time. I just need to find something to look forward to and to help forget about shit. And if you haven't been there yet yourself- no, heroin will not help you. Helps turn you off and make everything okay for a little while, bit it backfires hard. Don't make your life even worse. Only thing I got going for me now is the bike I just bought. It is the only thing I can touch that is insane enough to just make me forget about everything while I'm on it. But of course, knowing myself I am fully aware of what can happen. I don't mind so much though.



VAYA- I see what you're getting at, but what does one do when they're not even sure what those emotions are that they're repressing? I don't feel overwhelmed by any one emotion, I just start to spiral once in a while. Fucking anxiety or whatever it is, not sure what it's about. The only emotion that I am readily able to distinguish at this point in my life is anger, and I'm not just trying to dive into that one. That's what's tearing me apart, I can't find a solution until I actually understand the problem.

OP- good luck. I hope you figure it all out before it's too late, I really do. Take care of yourself

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I know what the root is, and I know that I have to deal with my emotions, like you've said. Thank you for your advice, because it has given me some insight.

I honestly feel like this life that I have lived, thus far, (22 years), has been completely selfish and introspective. I feel like if I can't figure myself out, then why try to conect and figure someone else out?

I grew up with a borderline mother (she still is to this day), and I'm not sure about my father.. he was never emotionally there, and never made the effort to connect with me.
I'm not trying to blame it on them though, because I know that my relatives in the past have gone through the same thing. I know I have great emotions, it's just that I can't deal with them.