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Mental Health I'm greatful I didn't commit suicide because:

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
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Looking-Glass Land
Thought I'd add some positive to this section. Was meaning to post this the other day but didn't get around to it.

Having undergone mental health issues since a young kid, mainly depression and anxiety it has led me to make one of many several failed suicide attempts. Today I reflect and see that a lot of good would of been missed if I had commited myself to that and that other people's lives around me wouldn't be the same either. In saying that I am greatful I didn't commit suicide because:

- I have seen my 4 nephews grow up
- I finished my Masters
- I have grown to live and learn how to best deal with my mental health issues
- I have met some nicer people who have made me think otherwise about lie
- i have redefined my own views which used to make me want to commit suicide

Well that's a few.

Mind you I now realise suicide is not an option but rather a challenge that must be overcome to appreciate a long stretch of great days ahead.

Would like to know what you are greatful for :)
 
Hmmm I'm grateful to be still alive... I guess

Going back to school to be an RN, a new challenge in my life assuming my health holds up. Learning new things is always fun and the human body is fascinating.

It's mostly the pain and suffering I would be inflicting on family / close friends that has kept me here

Shit this was supposed to be positive
 
Ah my list is always growing but I'll go over the real big stuff that leads me to be grateful I survived my suicide attempts

- I re-discovered my sense of spirituality away from the manipulation of my family's church
- I came to understand and embrace myself including the pieces of me my family rejected
- I got to start transitioning physically & socially and can now live my truth
- I got to see one of the most important bands in my life live
- I got to meet my best friend of almost 10 years in person
- I adopted the two best dogs on the planet

Plenty of bad shit has happened too but that list alone is impressive, many of those things are things that I told myself would never happen as a way of justifying ending my life. Yet here I am and not only did I live but I proved that to be a lie.
 
Really love this thread idea.

-In mid June I'll move into a place with my own kitchen and bathroom and it's wonderful and I love it. So excited.
-Working at a mental health crisis centre is really meaningful and great in a way I didn't know a job could be.
-I've feel like I've learnt how to be okay with who I am and I like living in my own skin.
-I've learnt how to properly study... I don't feel in a mental fog all the time anymore.
-Just a tonne of stuff. It's not always easy but I like being here.
 
I lived beyond adolescence.
I lived beyond early adulthood.
I became a mother and learned what true unconditional love really means.
I had adventures I never could have dreamed of.
I have had the time to read thousands of books! ( Let's see if the math really supports that statement....4 per month x 63 years with a lot more read to me in early childhood =....drumroll.....3,024. Considering manic reading binges and childhood when my sister and I read many kids' books a day I'm going to up that number to a big fat 5,000.=D)
I have had sooooo many great cats and 3 awesome dogs.
I learned Spanish so now I have two languages to forget words in.
I learned to live with my brain without pathologizing it--or succumbing to someone else pathologizing it.
I enjoyed and suffered from and learned from serious drug abuse.
I learned that many plants have things to teach a willing learner.
I have gotten to experience the relaxation and letting go (of bullshit image stuff) that is characteristic of middle age.
I've gotten to see what commitment really means in a 30 + year marriage.
I've gotten to bond with and teach my favorite subject to hundreds of elementary school kids, middle school kids and adults who want to foster their creativity.
I've been able to grow old (and hopefully older!). That was something I really feared as a young person. Being old looked horrible! But I am loving all the gifts of age: lifelong friendships; travel adventures so different to my younger traveling years; more compassion, less judgment.
I have been able to live in different countries.
I learned how to grow things.
I became a good painter.
I learned that I could survive even my worst nightmare. When I lost my son to his own despair it almost tipped the scales back for me. But then I got my feet back on the ground and I vowed to live twice as thankfully, twice as courageously, twice as silly, twice as seriously, twice as humbly, twice as calmly, twice as kindly...for the both of us. Just like eating for the two of us when he was in my womb, I learned to carry his death in new ways. I'm still learning.
I learned to talk through death when I need to.
I learned to let some things be and work like hell to change other things.
I learned to let my sense of humor and absurdity carry me through times that otherwise would have been unbearable.
I got to know the world of Bluelight--an amazing community!
I got to see my older son become someone I would have looked up to and admired regardless if he were my son or not.
I got to see pot legalized completely where I live!
I got to have a completely different relationship with my parents as we both aged.
I got to be with my Dad when he was dying.
I got to a sense of profound peace inside and that is perhaps the most surprising of all. I don't always have it, I can still spin out into anxiety paranoia land with the pros but I know where the calm space inside is and I know what steps I have to take to get there. That, I never could have imagined so long ago, when I was imagining that death was the only way to find peace.

This thread makes me so happy. We live in a time of great despair and collective anxiety and depression. It is strong medicine to recognize your gifts, to foster hope in yourself and others, to appreciate life not for some imagined form of perfection but for the beautiful mess of it.<3
 
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Always such a pleasure to read your posts herby

I hope one day my rage, anxiety, lack of self-worth, etc etc will fade, and I'll actually make something of my life
 
herbavore said:
I lived beyond adolescence.
I lived beyond early adulthood.
I became a mother and learned what true unconditional love really means.
I had adventures I never could have dreamed of.
I have had the time to read thousands of books! ( Let's see if the math really supports that statement....4 per month x 63 years with a lot more read to me in early childhood =....drumroll.....3,024. Considering manic reading binges and childhood when my sister and I read many kids' books a day I'm going to up that number to a big fat 5,000.=D)
I have had sooooo many great cats and 3 awesome dogs.
I learned Spanish so now I have two languages to forget words in.
I learned to live with my brain without pathologizing it--or succumbing to someone else pathologizing it.
I enjoyed and suffered from and learned from serious drug abuse.
I learned that many plants have things to teach a willing learner.
I have gotten to experience the relaxation and letting go (of bullshit image stuff) that is characteristic of middle age.
I've gotten to see what commitment really means in a 30 + year marriage.
I've gotten to bond with and teach my favorite subject to hundreds of elementary school kids, middle school kids and adults who want to foster their creativity.
I've been able to grow old (and hopefully older!). That was something I really feared as a young person. Being old looked horrible! But I am loving all the gifts of age: lifelong friendships; travel adventures so different to my younger traveling years; more compassion, less judgment.
I have been able to live in different countries.
I learned how to grow things.
I became a good painter.
I learned that I could survive even my worst nightmare. When I lost my son to his own despair it almost tipped the scales back for me. But then I got my feet back on the ground and I vowed to live twice as thankfully, twice as courageously, twice as silly, twice as seriously, twice as humbly, twice as calmly, twice as kindly...for the both of us. Just like eating for the two of us when he was in my womb, I learned to carry his death in new ways. I'm still learning.
I learned to talk through death when I need to.
I learned to let some things be and work like hell to change other things.
I learned to let my sense of humor and absurdity carry me through times that otherwise would have been unbearable.
I got to know the world of Bluelight--an amazing community!
I got to see my older son become someone I would have looked up to and admired regardless if he were my son or not.
I got to see pot legalized completely where I live!
I got to have a completely different relationship with my parents as we both aged.
I got to be with my Dad when he was dying.
I got to a sense of profound peace inside and that is perhaps the most surprising of all. I don't always have it, I can still spin out into anxiety paranoia land with the pros but I know where the calm space inside is and I know what steps I have to take to get there. That, I never could have imagined so long ago, when I was imagining that death was the only way to find peace.

This thread makes me so happy. We live in a time of great despair and collective anxiety and depression. It is strong medicine to recognize your gifts, to foster hope in yourself and others, to appreciate life not for some imagined form of perfection but for the beautiful mess of it.<3
Click to expand...

Good to see it made a positive on your day.

It's interesting when relfecting back life isn't so bad when a lot of meaningful positives are there.
 
This is a great thread :D

Growing up with an alcoholic father and getting bullied mercilessly by the other kids, I thought about suicide constantly. I'm glad I never followed through because:

- I have friends of 30+ years that have stuck by me through everything.
- I have shared my life with a few great women who, although it didn't last forever, taught me how to love and BE loved.
- I have my art, music, writing and photography.
- I have remarkably good health approaching 50, even though I haven't always treated my body very well.
- I have been to three different countries and countless states.
- I have a great relationship with my parents, who have made up for any wrongdoings a thousand times over.

... but most importantly ...

- I have the opportunity to help others who face similar challenges!

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
I'm grateful I didn't commit suicide because:

I have multiple nieces and nephews and I believe in the Buddhist concept, as I understand it at least, of store consciousness & seeds which means I’d pass on suicidal ideation.

I’m not grateful to be alive or glad I didn’t do it, I just think it’s for the best. If I hate myself and think my life has been a waste then at least I can make it easier for them by not making it part of family legacy.

ETA: I do want to add something to this tho...
I don’t care much for my life at the moment but I realize this could change.
Tho I’ve lost my drive to be creative, social (offline at least), have a career ... I also am not constantly hyper vigilant, experiencing disassociation panic & anxiety regularly or deep depression.

My point is, the ‘other side’ of suicidal for me is a sort of limbo. I’m not grateful for being alive but I’m also free from the worst states of mind that made suicide seem a viable option. There’s something freeing about going to the lowest darkest place and making it thru. I grew up in a very abusive home and went on to experience trauma and seek out abusers. I’m still learning how to live. Being suicidal for a prolonged period was almost like chemo, it killed off the worst parts but some of the good stuff too. If I ever feel grateful for living, I imagine I’ll be far happier than I’ve ever been or could’ve been if I hadn’t gone through such a complete annihilation of self. It’s another reason to keep on, who knows what’ll happen next, it could be good.
 
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I'm greatful my suicide attempt failed because I've had so many great experiences since then. I met my soul mate and love of my life. I'd never been in love before when I tried to kill myself. I'd have never found out what it's like to truly be in love, crazy, would die for you love, if I'd died when I tried to kill myself in early 2011. I've met some great friends since then. I've learned so much more. Both acedemic stuff, and just important life lessons you get from getting more experience.

Hard as life can be, and right now my life is about as hard as it's been since 2011, I don't regret surviving. And since I met my soulmate, whom I coincidentally met only a couple weeks after my suicide attempt, and only got together with BECAUSE of decisions I made as a result of my suicide attempt, I haven't seriously wanted to kill myself since.

So, I don't regret trying to kill myself, because it was the catalyst for so much good that came after. But I'm very thankful I survived it. Extremely thankful. It's just unfortunate it took such a dark and painful time in my life to get there.
 
Honestly, at this point, I don't have much of a list at all....sorry to be a downer guys.

On another note, perhaps we should play a game guessing which books herbavore HASN'T read? Hahaha holy fuck lady hahaha...

-PA
 
I was only suicidal as a teenager (I'm 27 now). Its crazy, I guess its been over 10 years that I've been on this forum. These days I'm too scared of dying to even consider suicide. Anyhow.

I'm glad that I stayed alive because eventually I got to have surgery. I would have never had the chance if it weren't for New York state health insurance laws that required it to be covered. 2 years ago when it happened I was shocked to finally make it that far. Life is much easier now in some ways, because of being able to finally have surgery. It would have paid for my other surgeries too, but I no longer have insurance and I can't take time off of work to have the other ones done. Regardless.....it's still one thing down that I never have to worry about again. I tend to forget how it was before, and I can't let myself forget how much it changed my life.
 
Really good thread. Thanks.
Mostly I'm happy to be alive to see my cats. My cats are my life :)
Getting my own actual apartment by myself
Completing some of the projects I've been working on and my clients being happy with the results (it feels good)
Finishing my college program
Getting to meet new friends as I've met some great people lately
 
I can’t have pets anymore. For all people’s talk about “better to have loved and lost than never loved at all”, true or not, some of us have just experienced too much loss to take anymore.

Not sure why I’m saying this, just that I envy you guys and sympathize I guess. Cause I really do love cats, and animals in general. But I feel like loving a pet involves too much inevitable pain for me to do it anymore. I know how you feel though. I had 7 cats and dogs growing up and I think Id likely have killed myself had I not loved them so much.
 
I was ~22 but was brought back to life. It was a spontaneous thing that brought me and my family a lot of pain but they are still unaware/deny that they triggered me to it.

I quit doing opiates and street drugs for a long time.
I got to backpack around Europe.
I lost the weight I gained from my depression.
I am physically stronger just like my high school days of playing sports from the weightlifting.
I am blessed I have the ability to lift weights.
I finally started to got along with my Dad before he passed, which was shortly after :(
I got out of my shell more and started talking to people again.
I am blessed I have my own house.
I am relearning how to trust people but it's still difficult.
I am glad I've met some of you BL'ers and hope to meet more.


I am still learning how to get out of the rut of ptsd but I display resilient properties which help me cope. I am lacking a support group though as I can't be around too many people without being hyper vigilant/looking like a tweaker.
 
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If I had died by suicide in 2000 o would have missed:

Falling in Love
Getting married again
Seeing all my kids grow into adults
Getting a college education
Learning to put the needs of others before my own
Seeing my eldest child get married
Being there for Dad as he battled and lost to cancer
Whatever else the future has to offer me.
 
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