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I'm feeling so down - dropping the drugs for clarity

M

McTwist

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2009
Messages
159
Everything was great until 2 days ago when I took a hit of L and an unknown but large amount of MDMA (200 - 300mg, pretty large for me). Normally I wouldn't have been rolling, but it was free and was offered to me on two occasions. I feel like the first dose was fine, great in fact, but when I redosed I got too stimulated and overall my headspace was completely fucked up. I couldn't carry on a conversation which made me feel like shit and look like a fool in front of my friends. I just felt like an idiot, things got awkward and I blame myself because I ate a drug which I knew I shouldn't have and ended up regretting it. Cognitive dissonance FTL. Even worse, the LSD forced me down deep, showing me things that I must do, I must act upon or else I will regret my actions forever. I know this. I've known this, but I don't know what to do. This is not what I want at a concert. I love the insights I ended up facing the issues but I know if I don't act on them it'll be worthless.

Yesterday was absolutely horrible for me. I actually cried while driving home from class. In class I couldn't help but tear up. I must be obvious to others that I look distraught. I've been having mood swings like crazy and I am so lethargic even though I must start writing papers and doing work or else I am truly fucked. Thinking about that stuff makes me feel like shit, and because I already feel almost worthless it's extremely difficult to think and come up with ideas to write about. No doubt this is the after effects from the MDMA, the worst I've ever felt them.

I am done with MDxx for a long time, possibly even for good. The more I roll, the less I enjoy it. It's not like I've been rolling a lot, well maybe, about 10 - 12 times this year. That is a lot, fuck me. LSD is another drug I'm done with for awhile. I'm fucking myself up, slowly but surely. I've been on drugs for awhile, not anything serious, but for the past few weeks to a month it's been mainly JWH-xxx, some THC, and since July every one to three weekends has been LSD-filled fun, turning the insightful into the ordinary. I NEED a break from all of this.

To make matters worse, I've never felt so alone before yesterday. I've been as depressed before, but never did I want someone to just hold onto and express myself, but I just couldn't, not with anyone. I think that night made me think very negatively. I don't think I've been this low all year. Sometimes I still feel like crying which I have a hard time doing. I've been holding back my emotions for so long that I feel like it's all going to come out soon. I just want to be alone but at the same time I want someone I can trust to talk to. I don't know why I'm afraid of opening myself to others, I have a few close friends who I could talk, a few family members too, but it's so hard to get it out. I have an easier time talking to a total stranger by myself than I do with someone I know or someone who knows me. Maybe it's the fear of being judged that keeps me from freedom of expression.

I'm done getting high for awhile. I'm done partying excessively. I will return to my healthy diet and exercise. I need to concentrate more on school. I'm gonna talk to my friend about meditation and join my friend's brother's yoga class. I need clarity and a way of rejuvenating myself before I lose it. My diet has been great all year when I decided to start eating healthier and ditching the processed foods for more natural, wholesome meals.

This thread is basically a release for my feelings. I know there's not much anyone but myself can do, but it helps to ease the tensions. Thanks for being here bluelight
 
I'm feeling much better today. Things are starting to look a lot brighter. MDMA fucks with my brain too much. In a week or two I should be back to normal, thankfully. =]
 
I can totally see where your coming from

today i threw out my bong and weed into a neighbours bin because i knew it wasn't benefiting me at all (just speaking for myself)

i kinda feel like ive got post traumatic stress syndrome or depersonilization or something

in 2011 im focusing on self improvement and looking after my body <3

i think something else that could really be good for your mind is really tidying up your room so it looks perfect, i know for myself when i clear my room it clears my mind aswell of all the clutter

good luck man =D
 
Sounds like your experienced really brought up a lot of underlying issues. You said yourself that it made you see things you didn't want to see, but that are true. What are you going to do with that?

It sounds like you've been given a gift if you ask me. You were made aware of issues that need to be dealt with AND you know that avoiding them will be worthless. Isn't that better than spending a lifetime running away from them?

Crying and going through some pain is what we need sometimes. I find that we are often quick to judge our experiences as bad because we find them unpleasant. But the ups and downs make up our lives.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel. It's not as bad as you think, I promise :)
 
I can relate to the more u do the worse u feel the next few days, in high school I took alot of MDMA mostly my senior year and I ended up stopping cuz I was seeing flashes of color in class when I was sober and I felt like I was stuck in a hole and couldn't get out, now when I think back I can't remember shit about school all I remember is some of the crazy places I woke up ( woke up in my car on a farm with horses and cow, having no idea how I got there ) its kinda funny when I think about it now, that shit can def cause depression which some people who take it don't know so if you've think that is the cause of u feeling the way u do my advice is def to take a break and your head will start clearing up
 
hey mate sounds like u have experienced a bad mdma dip,
post depression, depersonalization, anxiety all so similar and many drug user have experineced one of all of these in their time. me i am quite regularly mentally fucked.

have you considered taking 5htp + vitamins b4 and after your mdma indulgences this may help eze up on the mental strain you seem to be experiencing.
rest is the biggest thing that will save you, but changing your habbits no matter what they be will be the biggest bennefit.
i have drunk for 2 weeks now, havent smoked pot for over 2 years and quite frankly im feeling fantastic, in saying that i do take mdxx and meth but this is rather un common
 
...comes with the territory McTwist.

You gottah pay to play. :)

I agree that a post-load of 50 to 100 mgs of 5-HTP dosed every other day for maybe a week before bed may help you return to a more positive mindset.

Of course, limiting your MDMA use to maybe a few special times a year will help you retain 'the magic' and will give you time to incorporate what you have learned--positive and negative--about your experiences into your sober day to day life.

...glad to hear that you are in better spirits already.

<3







...
 
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I can relate so hard to the MDMA thing. I take fluoxetine (Prozac), which I have to quit for a month or more before rolling. In addition to the withdrawals from Prozac, the post-roll comedown has had me practically suicidal before, making me much more careful about how often I roll.
 
I was in your position 4 months ago the last time I did mdma. I was paranoid, felt alone and had high anxiety. I use to talk to bunch of people but now I only talk to a few friends now. After that experience I quit everything for a couple of months and im glad I did. I'll be trying to roll again in 2 weeks hopefully it will go well :D
 
Legerity said:
Sounds like your experienced really brought up a lot of underlying issues. You said yourself that it made you see things you didn't want to see, but that are true. What are you going to do with that?

It sounds like you've been given a gift if you ask me. You were made aware of issues that need to be dealt with AND you know that avoiding them will be worthless. Isn't that better than spending a lifetime running away from them?

Crying and going through some pain is what we need sometimes. I find that we are often quick to judge our experiences as bad because we find them unpleasant. But the ups and downs make up our lives.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel. It's not as bad as you think, I promise :)
Click to expand...

You're right. It's not that I hate the insights, I love them, even if they are about truly troubling issues. To confront them, to work through them and talk about them openly, even if it means pain and suffering, is much better than hiding them deep down inside and pretending that everything is alright when you know it's not. Believe me, I'm working on it. It needs to be done. If not, I will regret my decision not to take action forever which will only cause me more agony.

Here's something I read tonight:

Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached [from experience], you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'
Click to expand...

Disregarding the detachment from experience part, this sums it up perfectly I think. Philosophy class is awesome!

@noodle and the others concerning the use of MDMA, I have officially decided I don't need it. It's been used, possibly abused you could say, and been depleted of everything it has to offer. It's shown me how to self-actualize, to embrace emotion and let others in, and now I feel it's my time to do this on my own, without drugs.

<3:D=D
 
You just wrote exactly what I've been feeling for the past month or so. It's really hard, I wish I had someone I could just be with and hold onto and talk to about what I feel. It's really difficult, but I think excercise makes a big difference and having a focus.

-djstrip
 
Lady Codone said:
I can relate so hard to the MDMA thing. I take fluoxetine (Prozac), which I have to quit for a month or more before rolling. In addition to the withdrawals from Prozac, the post-roll comedown has had me practically suicidal before, making me much more careful about how often I roll.
Click to expand...

wow, now thats taking rolling to a whole new level!! seriously, you should look at a break of mdma and a gradual wien down on the prozac. when everything is back to normal then consider it....
please be careful doing this.... ssri withdrawls can be terrible
 
That's a nice quote McTwist, thanks for sharing it. It sounds like you've got a plan :)
 
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