I'm at a Loss

[Pentakillx]

My fiance and I have been together nearly two years. We've broken up once, and I'm terrified that we're beginning to repeat the same patterns that led to the break up. Sex has always been an issue for us. As far as each other's bodies and what we do, physically, in bed, we're both very happy. We're also both pretty satisfied with the frequency of our sex. However, he's been having a hard time getting off with me recently, and apparently it's because I'm not vocal enough in bed. That's always been the big thing.
I moan a lot, and I never fake it because that's pointless to both parties, but he thinks I'm faking it. I also let him know when I want to be choked, slapped, have my hair pulled, or when I want to change positions. He's frustrated because I don't want to talk dirty to him, and because I don't role play with him. I'm frustrated because dirty talking gives me so much anxiety that trying to build up to doing it just makes me cry. It feels fake and tacky and I don't like it. Same with role playing. I know I'm not BORING, because I'm open to pretty much anything physical and I'm always trying to get him to do kink scenes with me or to experiment with both of our fetishes. He says he wants to, but our living situation doesn't really allow it because we have roommates and we get loud. But he knows my issues with the dirty talk and the role playing.

He's never been really into monogamy, but now his frustrations are making him want to push the open relationship thing again. We've been there before and I ended up seeing a stupid fucking fuck boy, and his playmate and her best friend told him to break up with me (then she became super manipulative with him and tried to monopolize all of his time), so I'm extremely wary of going down that road again. It's also SUPER hard for me to find someone else to sleep with, and it's not going to work out if he gets a playmate and I don't. I don't let that slide. But I'm really afraid of him cheating on me, and I don't know what to do. He's never been unfaithful to me and is nothing but supportive, but when he gets really frustrated with our sex life, he talks about wanting to be single or wanting to go on a break. I can't just open up the relationship because for me, emotions don't work that way, but I'm also struggling with trying to do what he wants me to do in bed. I feel like I'm not enough and I don't know what to do.

 

[Kittycat5]

Sucks for you. Sounds like youre fun, not prudish at all, and still isnt enough. If you love him and really are afraid of losing them, practice. Take pornstars advice and start by just saying whats happening. Then add some of your own pizzaz.

 

[protovack]

You did say fiance right? As in, you are both committed to each other? It seems you will have to let him know how you feel. Its time to get serious, if thats indeed what you want. Its a little hard to tell..

 

[dopemaster]

You really shouldn't get married if your sex life isn't that good.

I could really give a shit less if a woman made any sounds until she came. I didn't bother to read much of the rest other than he isn't into monogamy.

This just seems like it's not going where you hope it will. Usually once things go bad they don't get better.

If you already broke up and have been together two years do you really think the rest of your life with this bloke is going to make you happy?

Even if you get along well outside sex you really can't rule sex out as very important before you are even married.

When I got married the sex was good and that wasn't what led to the divorce. It was her changing as a person and not really living the way we planned and we still talk and she admits it was her who fucked it up.

See this girl was everything I wanted in a companion but she couldn't cope with life that well at times and turned back to self destructive behavior instead of me like over eating and just not handling stress proper, she would be pissed my occupation made me happy and I brought in more money but I didn't make her change jobs.

Anyways if sex sucked we wouldn't have stayed together three years and yeah she still like a friend I can sit and play video games with or discuss music we are digging and we do that and her husband trustd me and has every reason to cuz we are just good friends but we both know the marriage wasn't going to work and shouldn't have gone through with iy.

 

[ZayKayWill]

Seems to me like all you can really do is practice/talk it out or break up...not sure what else to say. He can't make you do something you're not comfortable with. That's just being pushy and essentially manipulating you. Sorry you gotta go through with this. Wish I could give you some better advice.

 

[pofacedhoe]

he's trying to make you behave inauthentically during sex

sounds not fun

why can you not get other men who are into your kinks?
2 years and already broke up once? seeing other people and he wants that again

part of being with someone especially marriage is compromise. if you are looking to marry

i'm sorry but dirty talk to me is often contrived and tacky- i find it a huge turn off so for someone to try and make me do it is very offputting

 

[gmlifer]

When people start talking about doing things outside of the relationship they are either trying to control/manipulate you or they are going to do it eventually. Either way let him go and move on. He should respect you and your wishes.

 

[protovack]

Yea i say let him go. He obviously has some issues and isnt that invested in the relationship.

 

[Pentakillx]

i'm sorry but dirty talk to me is often contrived and tacky- i find it a huge turn off so for someone to try and make me do it is very offputting

Same, which is why I hate it, but he doesn't understand why it feels that way to me.




The issue here isn't that he's threatening to sleep with other people because that's not what he's doing. He was raised by a parent who was consistently in consenting (meaning all parties knew and were okay with it) polyamorous and open relationships, so to him it's what's 'normal'. Just like if you were raised in a nuclear family with a mom and a dad who are married and have only been with each other, that would be your 'normal'. And when it comes to his desire to have this kind of open relationship, he never really mentions it unless we get into a thing about our sex life because he knows that the idea of sharing him with someone else hurts me. He's not being abusive, and he's not a 'bad guy' in this situation.
Secondly, the sex doesn't suck. We have pretty much all of the same kinks and we let each other experiment with almost anything we want, but he's not comfortable doing certain things because we have roommates. Sex happens daily for us and we're overall happy with the sex we have, but the only big issue with it is this hang up I have about being vocal during sex. I think it's tacky and weird, and I also have no interest in pretending to be something or someone else, and I have no interest in watching him pretend to be something or someone else. He, however, gets turned on by that when I don't, and we can't find a way to compromise on it. That is where I need help.

And as far as his commitment to me, why is that even a question? We've been together two years, are engaged, and we're getting an apartment together. We're getting married this February, as per his request, and he eventually wants to buy land with me. I don't see how being frustrated with your sex life and wanting to sleep with other people equates to not being invested in a relationship.

 

[nuttynutskin]

And when it comes to his desire to have this kind of open relationship, he never really mentions it unless we get into a thing about our sex life because he knows that the idea of sharing him with someone else hurts me. He's not being abusive, and he's not a 'bad guy' in this situation.

That's emotional abuse and he indeed is the bad guy in the situation.

 

[SKGilroy]

In my experience, if your relationship is true & strong then sexual issues can be overcome. But if there are some underlying issues and/or problems then sex turns into the biggest sticking point.

If he can't get past the dirty talk I'd be concerned about that one little thing turning into something much bigger. I've been in a very similar situation and told him how uncomfortable some things made me. Out of respect for me & my feelings he let it go. Six years later we are strong together. Sure, I don't talk as much as he'd probably like but it's a non-issue at this point. You can't please everyone all the time AND remain true to who you are.

 

[Kid Amine]

If he wants dirty talk, and you both do kinky things, it can come naturally. How do you let him know know you want to be choked, have your hair pulled, etc.? "choke me" is a command or request; "choke me you fucking pussy/piece of shit" could be hot if he's into degradation. My girl talks dirty to me, and she lets loose the most vulgar things but in an incredibly hot way. Like if she's riding me, she might say "I'm going to fuck you to death". Holy crap!

Play with it, you might like it. You dont have to sound like a cheesy porn video.

 

[dopemaster]

Let me put it this way, if a woman doesn't like the way I fuck her and wants me to do things I am not comfortable with she would get the boot.

I haven't had that issue but I have had a woman ask me to talk dirty and I really just don't because I feel like that is the type of thing for an audience, just cheap and honestly garbage.

I don't see how in a marriage going down that road sexually is the best idea. Maybe when you get bored of each other after 10 or 20 years you can put on costumes, role play, dirty talk, and try new things to spice it up but at this point if you two just making love isn't enough then one of you isn't enough for the other.

Honestly I really feel like dirty talk is bullshit. A lil is fun but if that is what someone got off on it would annoy the shit out of me.