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I'm a borderline. Can I ever have a relationship?

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I've never had a girlfriend, or managed to sustain any friendship on my own and everyone I have known well during ttages of my life, have all drifted away, or I've drifted away for reasons that I can't rationalize.

I think, apart from my borderline and other aspects of craziness, I've got a lot of things going for me. But I've stopped giving love a chance at all, even if I want to. I just stay passive or avoid if I have to in any situation with anyone that involves me getting emotionally involved at anything other then a superficial level.

I want to ask if anyone has gone through something like this. I've become more avoidant and self isolating for the past few years then I ever was in the past. I'm 23. My life isn't going anywhere bright, and now it's like I deliberately stay in the shadows of life. And although I've changed a lot personality in the past 2 or 3 years, I've become more fixed in habits revolving around depression, isolation and anxiety. it's like they've become my comfort zones and though I can pretend to be a normal person most of the time, and function well enough when I have responsibilities, it's like I can't ever 'let in' another human anymore.

I wanna ask if anyone who gets what I'm saying, thinks that I can get out of this on my own, without seeing anyone. I'll see a doc as a last resort, get on meds. I used to be on meds when i was 18 - 21 (not sure I remember the timeframe well) and I don't want to get on any meds. I just want to hear anyone else, any advice, anything.
 
As far as I'm aware medications aren't helpful with the actual personality disorder, only to help you manage your symptoms around the anxiety and depression. The best thing for PD is therapy, talking therapy or creative (e.g. art/music/drama) therapy. I think group therapy could also be a great idea to help you get out of yourself and learn a little bit more about how to cope with the way the world sees you. I'd worry about getting yourself back into the social world and working on maintaining friendships before worrying about relationships.
 
You're maturing. It's normal to move away from the people you knew when you were 18-21.

About the BPD, you can't let it define you. Your accomplishments should be what defines you. If in 10 years you're stable in career and life, people will not consider you a failure. If in 10 years your life hasn't materialized into anything productive, people may think poorly about you, but it will be because you haven't accomplished anything, not because you had a mood disorder when you were 23 (I use the word disorder loosely btw)
 
Maybe try getting out there and actually meeting some different people. Try and make friends ... even acquaintances. Put yourself out there and make yourself be in social situations.

You don't have to know exactly what you're doing in life right now. You're only 23 ... you don't need to know what you're going to do with the rest of your life right now! Not many people do when they are 23.

Try and make some friends though ... I think that might help!
 
do you do therapy?
other wise yes you can have one you have to push your self. my sister is a severe borderline ad has been with someone for almost 2 years.
 
I'm posting more to tell you I understand how you feel than to give advice. I'm 24, I have BPD, and I have no friends, nevermind an intimate relationship. I have a difficult time maintaining friendships, and I've become very depressed and lonely because of it. I was taking medication for a while, and still use benzos daily, but due to lack of health insurance cannot have any continuing medical psychiatric help without paying a small fortune.

So, I don't have any advice, but I get what you're saying --- feel free to PM me if you wanna chat further about this.
 
It sounds like you just don't know "who you are". I went through a three year stint of isolation, loneliness, and apathy: just drifting along in life waiting for something to come to me because I had given up hope of finding some way to create meaning in my life. I was enrolled in a university program I had no interest in, few friends, no girlfriend, no job, and no real hope for the future. Up until I graduated high school, I was a smart, funny, outgoing person, and then as soon as I graduated I started smoking weed a lot and only hanging out with people who wanted to get high. This lasted until a few weeks ago when I had an epiphany and decided to turn my life around: dropped out of my university, enrolled in a culinary arts program at a local community college and am set to train for a career in the restaurant industry. I'm not totally "there" yet ("there" being existential contentment, some would call it "happiness"), but I feel like the path is becoming clearer. I realized that, while I've always been very self-aware and introverted, I've never really understood myself. It took a lot of meditation and self-reflection (substance-aided), but I think I've started to figure out where I fit in this crazy science experiment called 'life'.

If you want, shoot me a PM and I can give you a few tips for getting yourself out of your funk. They worked pretty well for me, so who knows? They might help you too.
 
There seems to be a lot of people here with some kind of mental illness, and I'm sure a lot of us can relate. I'm 30, bipolar, depressed, have had everything going for me so many times, just to have it all blow up when my symptoms got bad again. Therapy is so helpful, I don't know about medication for B.P.D, but for my illness, I'd be dead without the pill I take every day. You say you have a lot going for you in some ways, Well that's pretty fucking huge. Really, believe me it is, if you can see that you have something, anything good, you're a step ahead of a lot of people with mental illness. You've probably read what I'm going to say next a million times. I had and for some reason I never realized it applied to me as well (until a few weeks ago). 'You have to be happy with yourself before you can have quality relationships with other people', I'm going to type that again, as much for my benefit as yours 'YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN HAVE QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'!!.
So don't let your illness define you, realize there are things you can control, and things you can't. Put your head down and forget about those things you're missing (or feel you're missing in your life), and work towards the things you want that you have control over. Besides the relationships you want to have (intimate, platonic whatever), what else do you want out of life. What career, where do you want to live, what activities do you want to pursue, start working towards those, it's something you have control over. As you start to accomplish things You'll; 1. feel better about yourself 2. meet people who are hopefully like minded, and 3.(it's hard to explain this properly); If you get to a point where you have some stability in some way, like a job you like, and/or activities you're passionate about, and just having that sense of accomplishment from consistently achieving or at least trying to; You will still get depressed, and have bad times, but your 'rock bottom' will be a lot less low than it was before you had started to work towards those things. Does that make sense? I'm only just starting to figure it out myself, Someone recently told me, and I didn't really acknowledge it at the time, "Life is hard, once you realize that everything is easy'. So remember; it's not a race, everyone gets there at their own pace, You're only 23 and have so much time to get it together, It might be harder for you than for some people (and for me as well), but it will make the good times that much better when you remember how far you've come and what you've fought through.
 
hey hang in their I was an alcohlic for years and they wanted me to get on med also.I refuseYou can work it out by yourself but it will take longer and it will be a very lonley wold you live in.Don't look for love when the time is right it will happen for you.Love yourself first and just get out of your own head.My thoughts where out to get me,when I first got sober.I'm not perfect yet eighter but you need to find someone you can talk with and trust.Smile and be yourself.If you keep doing the same thing over and over exspecting different resolets that's what we call insanity.Good luck and I hope this help you out.
 
I can understand how you feel..I often just avoid trying to form any relationship because I doubt my ability to maintain a healthy one. It could be that you would just benefit from focusing on your own mental health from a while and then when a relationship opportunity does appear you would be more comfortable attempting to work on it. The more you can accept yourself the more accepting others will be as well.
 
I wouldnt normally suggest this, but have you ever done MDMA? I was never quite as closed as what youre describing but I definately had "shut in" tendancies. I feel like doing MDMA really showed me the better side of myself and allowed me to forge some relationships easily with people. Those relationships are now gone, but ive moved on to other even better ones and I dont know if it would have ever happened if I hadnt done MDMA. It really tears down your social barriers in a way that hard to describe.

I have no idea how you would be able to find people that are willing to roll with you in your situation though, MDMA therapy would work wonders for you id imagine. I hope you find a way to get through this because at 23, your life is jut beginning and you have infinite potential.

Its been nearly a year since ive done MDMA and before that it was many months, but looking back I can definately see a change in myself for the better.
 
SLR said:
I want to ask if anyone has gone through something like this. I've become more avoidant and self isolating for the past few years then I ever was in the past. I'm 23. My life isn't going anywhere bright, and now it's like I deliberately stay in the shadows of life.
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I think you can do this more or less on your own. WIth a lil help from people who are positive, and good influences on you and your life, you can do this - you just have to tell yourself that, almost constantly at first.

I will say it's easier being vulnerable with other people, and letting them help you, whoever they may be...if you're stuck in a negative mindset, it's hard to know exactly how to get yourself out of it. Been there done that, and I didn't do it MYYYYYYYYYY WAY...If I had, I'd be dead right now.

You sound very scared...let people in - sometimes people bugger you up, but most people are good (in fact, really, ALL people are good, just some are VERY VERY lost) - and so you can't close yourself off from life, from things that can pick you up and inspire you, make you realize you're a great person, and there's something in this existence which only you can contribute!

Hold you head up high, and remember you should like, nay LOVE, yourself...

I think therapy is a good idea, but I'm not gonna push that on you, I will just say it's worked for me - it takes some research to find the right person for you, who you can feel comfortable opening up to.

ANyways - write yourself positive notes, and stick them around your place so you can see them - stuff that you'd like other people to say, but they haven't.

Tell yourself in the mirror, or just outloud that you're a decent person, and you deserve love; if you find yourself calling yourself negative stuff like "oh shit I just dropped my plate of food, I'm such an idiot, I'm fucking useless...etc" - jst correct yourself - mistakes happen, shit happens LIFE HAPPENS - now go out there and make it a life YOU are happy with!!

DOn't ever label yourself or put yourself in a box, you're a person capable of love, and deserving of it back - just put yourself out there more, and don't be afraid to take risks and get hurt in the process - pain is all part of life, and it makes you stronger if it doesn't kill you!

Meds - well, You've been there done that...instead of going on regular meds, why not try taking very small doses of MDMA (like 50-75mg), and just being around some friendly people - you'll be amazed just how much it can bring you out of your shell.

I personally think meds are truly last resort - we as humans should be able to deal with pain and suffering - it's all part of the process, and numbing these feelings which make us who we are, well...I'll say no more.

*ramble ramble* - OP I'm sorry, I can't make this concise, but feel free to message me anytime. Chin up, dude! :)
 
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You can have a relationship and will. What kind I cannot say...but I do know that Borderlines have huge problems with boundaries within relationships/friendships. This is a huge struggle. I myself get completely swamped with the confusion of extremes and also making decisions regarding getting too intimate and/too distant with people within the context of relationships. Emotional regulation is a major struggle to maintain or get some kind of handle on.

You seem to have a keen awareness regarding your situation and this will stand to you because being true to yourself(despite emotional chaos) is the most important thing of all. Have you heard of DBT?; it is a highly constructive form of Therapy for Borderlines. It may help to look into getting a Therapist who specialises in this area.

Mental/EmotionalCondition's aside...you are an individual with needs and influence and dont forget that. Although you have a 'Cluster B' label-this does not mean that you are not a regular person who is entitled OR able to get their needs fullfilled. You are not handicapped and are capable of developing relationships-you just need to keep in tune with yourself and be sensitive to what you genuinely need emotionally; to look after yourself as best as possible. <3
Whatever type of intimate relationships you will potentially develop will need to be considerate and will demand that both you and the other person be aware of yourselves as individuals and also require you all have compassion, acceptance and understanding for each other as much as possible.

Being genuine or seeking out people(in terms of close bonds) who are accepting of you, as yourself and with consideration for your condition, is needless to say for anyone, hard work but for a Borderline, this 'contract' between friends/SO's means that your sense of identity(or unstable sense of it) must be taken into consideration and respected as such, so therefore less emotional chaos is the payoff for all. Of course you are not 'special' and dont want 'special' treatment but awareness and respect for your personal condition should not be taken forgranted. Letting people ,who you have a sensible and intuitive idea about, that you respect/trust, know (somehow)about your sensibilities is very important. This can be difficult for a BPD but it is worth persuing, with baby-steps.

Many 'regular' people arent aware of what they require with regard to relationships, so on a positive note-you have this sensitivity to what you can and cant handle. Its not all bad! ;) Be attentive to what you need(objectively) and can deal with and also what others do too- this is something that Borderlines cant afford to neglect. Therapy is a huge help, because it is all too easy to feel victimised and go crazy(ie. isolate or act-out) when something stirs up an emotional upheavel and puts you off kilter and therefore distracts from you dealing with RL situations.
Do take care and dont be quick to blame yourself as 'being deficient' because this is usually only an illusion. Remember, you are no better, or no worse than any other average person on the planet! ;)<3
 
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When you say boarderline are you talking about boarderline personality disorder? I was diegnosed, how ever the hell you spell it, with that last year and I am the loudest fun loveing persopn around so YES you will be able to have a relationship at some point BUT you NEED NEED NEED to get help! Every city has to have a group you can go to, I live in a small town in hawaii and i found one! it will help you with everything Go get a tharapist and they will point you in the right direction! GOOD LUCK =)
 
Yes. You can have a relationship. Someone will know and love you for who you are, if given the chance. Put yourself out there, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem at first.

Will things go wrong? Absolutely. The trick is being able to pick yourself up and then brush yourself off for another go.
 
I'm really disappointed in the people saying things like "you can do this on your own" (which was followed by a therapy suggestion...) or "try MDMA" (FFS!). The problem with threads like this is that you have people with absolutely zero understanding of abnormal psychology giving advice to someone in a precarious position where the advice given could EASILY exacerbate the position the OP is in. I'm not going to pretend like I'm an expert or know everything, but I know enough about Borderline Personality Disorder to know that there is some bad advice in this thread... not to say there isn't some good advice as well, asclepius had some great insight but wasn't the only one.

If you just go out and try to make friends without other interventions, you're simply going to repeat the same patterns you have in the past and those relationships will probably prove unsustainable and if/when this happens, you'll probably just feel worse about yourself and your prospect for living a 'normal' life with healthy relationships. This is not how it has to be at all though and there is a lot of reason to be hopeful.

BPD takes a lot to manage successfully but you just need to find the right person to work with and the right program and you can start making tremendous progress and if you keep it up and really work to maintain these changes, you can certainly have mutually beneficial relationships with healthy boundaries. CBT and DBT right now are the standard treatment protocols and they essentially work by changing your thought processes to more healthy ones and this allows you make larger behavioral and affective changes. Oftentimes, as purple_cloud mentioned, psychotropic medication can be useful in managing some of the symptoms as well. Overall to manage this effectively, you have to take a very holistic approach and address it from all angles.

It's unfortunate that you have something that does require so much work to address and manage but the choice to do so is in your hands and in my eyes, that is empowering. YOU can effectively make the changes right now to turn your life around and it IS a long process and a lot of work but if anything in this life is, I'd say this is worth it.
 
I'm really disappointed in the people saying things like "you can do this on your own"
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Cane, you know I love you, but I think you may be leaning too much on what psychologists are saying at this point in time. Mood "disorders" are human responses to stressful environments, and people generally can get better at handling these stresses over time. What has to be understood and is commonly not understood is that the mood response is not in any way irrational. People have defenses to protect themselves, and when the defenses get tested regularly, you end up with a defensive individual. There are a few ways that a defensive person can come out of their shell; therapy and/ or medication certainly aren't the only way, nor are they a definite way to treat the problem. Medication in particular does nothing to treat the underlying cause, and therapy only supplements how the person works out the problem on their own. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying therapy is a bad idea, just that it isn't absolutely required for someone progressing to a less defensive state.

Anyway, this isn't just targeted at you but rather the psychology community in general. I feel that the direction of understanding in this field has been backwards lately and has been more focused on giving every nuance a label rather than intimately understanding basic things like human stress responses and their role in development. This shift in thought seems to coincide pretty closely with the advent of new medicines, and for this reason I'm especially skeptical of the rush to treatment of every "disorder".
 
Regardless of the severity of the OP's disorder, I think getting out there will be beneficial.

Would some guidance from a professional in behavioral therapy also be a good idea? Absolutely.

There isn't much to go on here, except that an individual has decided to isolate himself. I think changing that will be the first positive step in a good direction.

:)
 
Pegasus, Borderline Personality Disorder is not a mood disorder (Axis I) but a personality disorder (Axis II) and if you can find me ONE case study where someone successfully managed their Borderline Personality Disorder without professional help, I'll change what I said. To be diagnosed with the disorder you have to have clinically significant impairment to the extent where professional intervention is essential to improving your condition... otherwise you'd be diagnosed with a less severe condition and 'borderline features'. Forget just outpatient therapy, many, many people with this condition require multiple hospitalizations due to its severity. I'm not advising the OP to run to the psych ward of the nearest hospital, but you really can't under-emphasize how truly debilitating this condition can be and typically is.

My position is informed not only by formal DSM-IV-TR study but also by the dozen person relationships I've attempted to maintain with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and the countless people I've spoken to and/or read posts of on here that have given me a pretty good view of what the condition entails and what amelioration requires. I didn't just read a brief description of the condition online and then start speculating.

This is what I'm talking about where people with very little education or formal training on the subject start chiming in and giving advice that can be unabashedly detrimental to an individual.

Noodle - I agree that getting out there might be beneficial but I feel confident in saying that if that's all the OP is doing, the same patterns that have lead him to the spot he's in will likely be repeated which could naturally exacerbate his frustration with his situation.
 
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