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I'm 24 and so shy around girls

citizen cained

citizen cained

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 25, 2010
Messages
507
Location
Wherever I wake up in the morning, so my house mos
As above, it's even worse if I want to talk to them in the hope of getting their number and even if I get that far I just can't make the first move, I instantly think it would be "creepy" to text them asking what their favorite band is or whatever ice breaker I decide to use and I feel that they will think I am a weirdo and do a runner.

An example is today, a girl added me on facebook as she found my ID at a gig so long story short, she messaged me and I arranged to collect the ID from her workplace, it took me like 10 mins just to write a message saying thank you when I got home as I was thinking things such as : "she might think I am a creep who won't leave her alone" or "she is prob thinking omg this guy likes me ewww what a weirdo" and similar things, right now I am thinking what response I should write (if any) to her last message of "don't worry! I know that losing ID is a pain :)" And now I am thinking that too much time has past since I read the message and my response.

If I am not interested in the girl I have no problems talking to them it is only when I am interested that the shyness comes in

I am told that I am a good looking guy who is sweet kind and funny but not a complete pushover. I am quite confident in my looks and personality but can't project this confidence when it comes to "breaking the ice"

I hate it and need some help to change it :(

btw all my past relationships (2 in total) have started because the girl made the first move and made the fact that they were interested so obvious that they were practically asking me to be their boyfriend, even then it took me a while to actually ask them out as I had to be 100% sure they were into me (once I am sure of this fact I have no problems)

Any advice?
 
She's a women, offcourse you like her. Nothing weird about that. It can't be weird, quite the contrary.
 
There's not an easy answer unfortunately.

Don't assume that you're in the minority in this though, many more guys and girls than you probably realize have a similar problem. It's why there's so much rampant alcohol abuse among teens and young people in general. We're all just trying to avoid the anxiety and stress that comes with seeking out a partner. But in the end, that's really an unhealthy and not fulfilling way to go about it, imo.

Sometimes you just have to come right out and say it, even if it's scary and uncomfortable. Most girls like a guy that will be open and go for them first. Even if you're confident in your looks and personality, you can still be scared of rejection.

Practice your small talk with people you aren't attracted to, try to stay relaxed in those situations, but also be open to the fact that this might mean you're just a more a sensitive person than many of the people you know. Maybe there's an underlying reason why you instinctively act so shy; try and meditate on that. For me, it was that I realized that after 6 years of drinking and using drugs and going to parties in order to hook up with girls, while having a hard time connecting with anyone while sober, I was just finding all of it to be emotionally unsatisfying. I decided I really wanted to take my time and wait for the right person.
 
btw all my past relationships (2 in total) have started because the girl made the first move and made the fact that they were interested so obvious that they were practically asking me to be their boyfriend, even then it took me a while to actually ask them out as I had to be 100% sure they were into me (once I am sure of this fact I have no problems)
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I identified with quite a bit of your post, but this rang especially true with me. Note that there are times that you have to make the first move, especially if it's obvious that the feelings are mutual. In my experience as someone who is painfully shy this is extremely difficult--taking a risk and grabbing my GF's hand for the first time felt like climbing a metaphorical mountain--but when you make it, it's so worth it. It's like a little victory that you alone can savor, especially knowing that you're in the right place with the right person. What's funny is that afterwards she told me she thought it was quietly hilarious, the obviousness with which I wanted to do it and the hesitancy with which I did it.

Short story: You have nothing to lose by making a move. If you're wrong, then you move on; there's no uncertainty to trouble you for the indefinite future. In a month, or two months, or a year, you'll forget all about it, filing it into the list of learning experiences which life is made of. If you're right, you could be in for a beautiful relationship.
 
Yeah it is always easier to get with someone when you know they Like you.
Don't assume anything about the girl just yet, in her eyes she is just seeing you as s guy getting his ID. In what sense does that come across as weird? Or sexual for that matter.
You could tease her about having your ID e.g say something like " I hope you didn't look inside for details on me, I'm a secret spy ans wouldn't want my real identity getting out". Obviously be serious for a second then give her a smile so she knows its a joke. You should be able to just get into conversation after that.

I think the problem with most of us is that we think about sex too much when talking with a girl. Focus on wanting to get to know her instead Maybe.
 
Try to be congruent, like the same person regardless of who you are around. Sometimes you gotta act, but you dont have to pretend to be something youre not.
 
you need to desensitize yourself (don't know if that's the right word) by being around girls more often. maybe seek treatment such as cognitive behavorial therapy. drugs aren't the answer though (i know you didn't say anything about this OP) so don't go that way, using drugs as a crutch will get you hooked.
 
Thanks guys for your help, It's too late for this particular scenario (left it too long) which is a shame because she is stunning and has good character (finding and returning my ID) but next time I will try harder, I just have to learn to act natural around them, pretend that I am talking to a guy or something, it's the trying which is the hard part though. I don't use drugs as a crutch but alcohol does help I have to admit...
 
Isn't it messed up that girls have programmed males to think this way? I think this way also, to a way lesser extent. Whenever I get a girls number when I'm drunk the night before, I feel so odd texting them the next day. I usually just don't because I feel like a creeper. However, I met this amazing girl recently, and she just stood out and what I realized... Who fucking cares. Be real, be you. If you text them and they think you are weird, who cares. Odds are you won't see them again. I texted this girl and she ended up being everything I had been looking for lately. So, don't miss out on an opportunity because you feel weird. I totally understand where you are coming from though.
 
Dont give a shit about what she thinks. If you keep thinking shit shit shit he hates me/thinks im a weirdo it will end up that. just.do.not.give.a.fuck. I maybe single but i dont have any loneliness feelings and bullshit. Choose.
 
I find myself to be the same.. no problem conversing generally but when it comes to attraction a part of my brain seizes up (probably fight or flight), and I end up over thinking things way too much. Like I can recognize 'moments' and even have some idea in my mind of what to say, but I just trip myself up instead of staying calm and collected. Too much pressure on yourself and worrying about the outcome is what it is.

Your post reminded me of thoughts I'd had recently. I'm not sure where it came from for me personally, maybe from TV perhaps, but those thoughts of "Am I being a creep doing x or y" and just generally being ashamed of my own sexual nature. Maybe it's the assumption that all men are pigs? Either way I hadn't really thought about it all before and how much of an impact its had on me personally in relation to the opposite sex.

The truth is it's all OK. We are sexual. So long as you don't like fucking automobile exhaust pipes or something I think you're just fine haha.
 
-=SS=- said:
I find myself to be the same.. no problem conversing generally but when it comes to attraction a part of my brain seizes up (probably fight or flight), and I end up over thinking things way too much. Like I can recognize 'moments' and even have some idea in my mind of what to say, but I just trip myself up instead of staying calm and collected. Too much pressure on yourself and worrying about the outcome is what it is.

Your post reminded me of thoughts I'd had recently. I'm not sure where it came from for me personally, maybe from TV perhaps, but those thoughts of "Am I being a creep doing x or y" and just generally being ashamed of my own sexual nature. Maybe it's the assumption that all men are pigs? Either way I hadn't really thought about it all before and how much of an impact its had on me personally in relation to the opposite sex.

The truth is it's all OK. We are sexual. So long as you don't like fucking automobile exhaust pipes or something I think you're just fine haha.
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Dude if shes like you you wont be a creep in her eyes if she doesnt you will be as simple as that so just try to not give a fuck
 
Long term advice; keep a decent job, be able to take care of yourself (hopefully one day be able to even support another) , take care of your physical health, do social shit (work, school, church, friends), and read shit about how to not freeze up around women. Meet the right kind of women (church girls/schoolgirls > bar girls).

what I want to know is how to try to open up to people you already do know, but have never reached out to them, contacted them etc , without being a creep (out of the blue xxx is hitting me up? desperation alert)
 
I am shy around the women at work because I haven't been around women I don't know in a while. I'm actually very outgoing for the most part I just am having a temporary lapse in confidence because I've only just started working out again. So just so you know everyone feels shy sometimes.
 
I used to have terrible social anxiety and fear of rejection. There were also a lot of drugs involved and drugs were actually what was stopping me from learning to cope with rejection. You can't make every girl feel attracted to you, it's impossible. I've got one of the worst personality types when it comes to interacting with other people. I analyse everything too much, I always tried to see everything ahead, and be prepared for every scenario, because I was so scared of failing.

You need to relax, don't think of every girl that you like as your potential sexual partner. Most of the time it's going to be her looks that makes you feel attracted to her at first. You idealize a girl that you barely know, then you immediately start imagining yourself being with her and that makes you scared of not living up to her expectations. Chances are that she's equally scared as you, but she's just better at not showing it.

You need to get fully comfortable with all that stuff surrounding sex and relationships, it's not such a big deal as you may think now, I know I did even years after having sex for the first time. It's a normal thing, you're a young guy and you're still driven by hormones a lot (I know I still do, I'm 24 too BTW, and when I started quitting downers, I once again started feeling like a teenager getting easily aroused). And when you realize that girls are people just like guys and they have their fears too (of not being gentle enough, of being a bad kisser, of not being sexy enough... a lot of stuff that girls told me themselves when I treated them as friends and they saw I was a good listener;)), your possibilities may suddenly be unlimited, and you'll be able to control the situation. Don't be so scared of being rejected, because when you face rejection once or twice, then on the third occasion it's going to be easier for you to feel relaxed, because you won't give a damn whether a girl likes you or not, you'll simply be able to be yourself.

In the past I used to date only those girls who were bold enough to come up to me first seeing that I'm shy. I guess I'm naturally attracted to outgoing girls because of my introverted personality, but I also often get attracted to girls who are also shy and act calm and it was a problem for me to do the first step and take a risk. Eventually I learnt not to care so much whether I get rejected or not. But first I got rejected by a few girls, because I was stiff around them and I couldn't act natural, so it wasn't necessarily them not liking me, I just couldn't show my true self.

I know you'll be fine. It seemed such a big problem to me too. I started taking drugs at 14, because I felt not accepted and not understood by my peers and it all happened after I had been rejected by one girl. As I look back, I now know that it was nothing to get so stressed out about, I lost a lot of my teenage years thinking about stuff like this. I hated myself for ruining my life so much, but at least I have got a lot of experience coming from all that pain that I know a lot of people at my age don't have and still feel adrift.
 
Im shy and i know what you mean ..find an excuse to drink if possible in a small group you're comfortable with and drink that helps by accident sometimes and if you 2 can text you can build up for things to talk about for a phone call all from that one night out ..doesnt have to be a date or big just make sure it's a good night and find things out from her about her ...and you're in ..


i didnt read everything sorry but I can relate to the shy part ..just dont show the extra effort you may need to talk to her ..eventually she'll see youre shy but either brave enough to overcome it or nice enough to like her enough to try so damn hard to talk to her ..
 
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