I'll try again

[OpenGtuning]

Right stuff it! I've made am ass of myself so far. So I've deleted most of my posts.
I'm gonna try again.
If I could have it perfect it would be the feeling drugs give me. Make me loquacious, happy, make everything great. That's not me though.
Next best is a drug that does this without the side effects and comedown. There isn't one.
Next best use sparingly, not let them take control. Not gonna happen for me.
So only choice is to be sober and work hard at it every fucking day. But that's so hard, if not impossible. I've broken my sobriety promise so many times. Lied, cheated, manipulated and all the rest.
Most people would be shocked to think I abuse drugs. I think about them every goddamned day. Even when doing something enjoyable sober I think, this would be better stoned or high or drunk etc
Right now I wanna be sober. Another day I think do you know what fuck it I'm gonna get high and single mindingly plan how to score.
I've flushed stuff down the toilet and then been almost weeping over the toilet bowl 5 mins later that they are away.
I've chucked them in a public bin and then been back a day later yanking stuff out the bin to find them in front of people.
I'm feeling low just now so I'm all contrite and humble and shit.
It's all shit. I've been a cunt to my family and friends.
I'm stuck in this endless loop. I occupy myself with other stuff. Then i read a book or see a film or whatever in daily life triggers my memories of the high and I'm back there.
Persuading myself it will be OK to get fucked up again on drugs.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.................
.

 

[herbavore]

You can really see the cyclical nature of the kind of thinking that holds you in a trap in your post. There is the want/need to feel better (use a drug to do so), then the inevitable remorse that turns to fatalism and hopelessness and finally back to the need/want to use being made even stronger. I think of this kind of trapped thinking like a rip-tide. You cannot swim against it and win out. You have to swim at an angle and end up outside of it. The only way to really step outside of this thinking is to go far deeper than the addiction itself and ask, what feeds it? What do I need that I do not get enough of outside of substances? What in my nature makes me susceptible? What strategies can I use to address this both long-term and on a daily basis?

Addiction, the endless-seeming cycles of it, are exhausting. It is very hard to beat it simply relying on willpower. If you can, get some good reading material on it and try to use what you read to foster self-acceptance as well as the inspiration to try new ways to step outside the deadly circle. I don't say 'deadly' lightly. Despair kills many people and I can see that your exhaustion is near that level. Take some time today to simply be without doing anything at all. Befriend yourself, encourage yourself; when the negative voices of guilt and shame come up, try to just observe them without reacting at all. Taking away the power they have in your mind is difficult but an essential to healing.

 

[herbavore]

I agree with you and Nietzche! Art has always helped me to preserve that one pure connection to life that we all had so completely as very young children. Remember when you woke up each day with very little self awareness at all and everything outside of you was one big present waiting to be unwrapped by your curiosity and exploration? No worry about who you were or what your accomplishments amounted to. No worry about who loved or did not love you and why. No worry about whether you were alone or not. I'm talking about the world when you were maybe two or three years old. I can sometimes catch glimpses of that state of being when I get deep into creating something, deep into the process without giving a rat's ass about the outcome. I think art can be one of the most effective therapies to regain a healthy relationship to self.

I'm 62 years old which means I now have more to look back on than I have to look forward to. This has afforded me one piece of hind-sight wisdom: nothing that I have ever done to change myself has been either easy or quick. Most of the changes (in my thinking, in my ways of perceiving, in my habits) took years. Though they may have been triggered by insight, insight alone was never enough. Integrating your own wisdom into daily habits is damn difficult! So fight the only real foe:discouragement. My late son used to say, "Whenever I say, "Fuck it", I'm fucked." Words of wisdom from a 16 year old. And there you have it, from the old and the young...keep on keeping on!

 

[OpenGtuning]

Shit!
I deleted my last post in error. There was a grammatical error in it. That's what I get for being pedantic.
Any way I can retrieve it???

 

[OpenGtuning]

I had said.

Yes for me it's very hard to accept that I can't just discard my addictive tendencies. Like an old skin. Ta Ta here is the new me, drug free and sober
It's always with me and it's helpful to have a toolkit to deal with short and long term addiction. Break the cycle. Drugs for me are a short cut to pleasure. To self medicate because if stress, boredom, frustration etc. Of course pleasure is close to happiness but it isn't it. Happiness we need to work at, some more than others granted. But it isn't always easy. It may be viewed as that pleasure can bring short term happiness but happiness can bring long term pleasure.

Nietzsche said 'without music life is a mistake' but I think this could be applied to any art form or hobby.... For me it helps focus my energies elsewhere.
Unless raping page boys is your hobby - that's not so cool.
Herbavore those words you first posted to me gave me nourishment. They sit well with me and I have been heeding your advice.
I keep thinking I have broke my addiction. Safely traversed the crossroads. But I find myself back there again. I guess you can only cross so many times without being wiped out.

Phew that was my deleted message.

 

[OpenGtuning]

Also sorry to hear you lost a son. It's hard not to get stuck in my own narrative sometimes.
I wish I could paint. There is some malfunction between my brain and fingers. Kinda an art dyslexia. I can see it. Eyes open or closed.. But put it on paper is impossible.

 

[herbavore]

I think you can undelete a post but not sure really. Anyway, it's all good. You are a good writer....do you ever write for release? I joined a small writing group as a way to force myself to write. Something is read, then there is a prompt and then you write. You can share it or not at the end. I like where it often takes me though nothing comes of the actual writing beyond being scrawled on a page in a notebook.

 

[OpenGtuning]

I failed English but I love reading even more than music. I usually lose interest in reading if using drugs. Not always but mostly. I just make up stories for my children, I nearly finished a Christmas story and had big plans to get it proof read and copy edited then self published. Just a few copies so I could give it to my son on Christmas day.
The money I had put away I bought drugs with. It still languishes on a memory stick almost finished. Taunting me!
You're right the only real foe is discouragement. You sound sorted. Wise beyond your 62yrs.
Hope the rest of your day is good Herbavore (cool name.. Drug reference? Or are you veggie or both?)

 

[herbavore]

^Neither actually. It is sort of an unfortunate name because it makes people think I am vegetarian that does not know how to spell herbivore when actually I am just another extremely guilt-ridden carnivore that relies on my meat being in a package from a store--in other words, if I had to either do or witness the deed I probably wouldn't eat meat. As far as a reference to weed, well...yes, it now fits as I have reintroduced pot into my life for a sleep aid and occasional fun but at the time I chose the name it was not so much a part of my life. It was actually a nickname of my son's big white rabbit. He had two rabbits as pets that my husband and I inherited after his death(and during his addiction tbh)., Herbert (a complete idiot, but loveable) and Jeeves (smarter, but with every physical ailment known to bunnykind). Herbert, being the big character that he was earned many nicknames and Herb-A-vor was one.

You should finish that story! There are so many good self-publishing sites out there these days.

BTW, have you read Gabor Maté's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts? A good compassionate read about addiction.

 

[Moreaux]

Sorry I haven't responded yet - just saw this. I don't know how I missed this post, I'm on here throughout the day. I'm getting ready to go to sleep. I'll respond in the morning when I can carefully read everything and coherently consider the words. Hope all is well!

 

[OpenGtuning]

Ha I never even realised Herbavore isn't the correct spelling.
I'll definitely get that book.
If you're a book fan I recommend ' The second coming' by John Niven. Probably the funniest book I have read. It picks me up every time. Just now I'm chuckling thinking about it. There are drug references all through it so maybe not such a good recommendation as yours, Herbavore the meat eater!
Moreaux hope you are well.