I have been trying to get off dope since july when I went to detox but I relapse constantly and then spend the weekends sick. I am in college and doing really poorly this semester and now my husband and I are breaking up.... and I think I realize now that he may have never loved me.... and our friendship seems over....
I can't take the stress and I can't withdrawal during final exams nor midterms so every time I want to quit it seems I have no time. I can't be sick for even two days because of school and the pressure of this liberal arts garbageville filled with rich brats whose biggest problem is if their parents buy them the new Iphone.
I have no friends. I am heart broken. How could I ever get clean under these circumstances. I get on suboxone then stop and relapse every week. And now that I have no one I really don't care about being clean anymore.
I have no support system... no idea what to do. And all I can think is that I deserve everything I get. Why do I treat myself so bad? Why is heroin the only loving embrace I've ever felt?
I understand everything you said, Im living the same kind of life, but Im using H in order to avoid being sick, and so I can work my job as much as possible, thankfully I write my own schedule and dont have to punch a time card daily, As long as I meet monthly deadlines, my boss leaves me alone, but its still not easy, I have to come up with about $120. every day or every other day, if I manage to use my dope sparingly.
Ive been in a few rehabs in the past 4-5 years, but it seems no matter how devoted I am when I go in, after about the 3rd or 4th day, Im chipping so fucking bad, I leave the rehab and usually end up copping the day I leave...I always tell myself when I leave these rehabs, Im going to try and use just a couple times a week, and just suffer thru the sickness, but it never works out that way, when I run out of dope, I start freaking out and somehow find a way to cop, then when that bag is empty, Im back to square 1 again!! LOL
Im late on all my bills, my car payment is 23 days late, and Im really worried when i do get paid next friday, I will use majority of it for dope, as this is what Ive done the past few months...my brain seems to ONLY care about dope, and NOTHING else!
I HATE living like this, and Im sure you do too, but that withdrawl sickness is just SOOOO fucking intense for me, its extremely hard to keep going and not use when its gets bad. Plus, if withdrawling isnt bad enough, if your going thru other shit too, like breakups, loosing a job, or other stressful things, it just makes it that much worse and you start thinking, a bag of dope would at least make me feel good (or not sick at least), and it may be good while the dope lasts, but as soon as its gone, all that stressful shit comes right back and is usually compounded, as youve spent money you should not be using on dope.
Ive always said if dope withdrawls were a sickness that actually got better as each day passes,it would be much easier, but unfortunately the sickness gets worse each day you go without using, its like the withdrawls arent bad enough by themself, you cant sleep and therefore you have to endure every minute of every day suffering, like no fucking relief at all, and your brain/ body makes sure you suffer as much as fucking possible, it may be somewhat bearable if I was at least able to get a full 6-8 hours each day..but I guess thats too much to ask for!
My withdrawl symptms that are the worst IMO, are insomnia, constant headache by the 3rd day of not using, every bone and muscle in my body hurts all the time, hypersensitivity to just about everything, smells and nasty taste in my mouth that wont go away are the worst! bright sunshine sucks too in w/d, then theres the sneezing and yawning fits, when I start this, I end up sneezing like 5-6 times in a row...oh yeah, the drug dreams when I do get to sleep for a few hours, I HATE these, and when I wake up and realize those drugs were just a dream, well, thats a dirty trick of the brain that makes it that much worse! lol I had one last week where I found like 5 pounds of dope in an alley, I was SOOO happy and excited and could not wait to use, actually was thinking that amount of dope would last me for years! those dreams are so real!
Im in a situation where I DO realize how bad my addiction is and know I NEED to quit altogether, and NEVER use again, but even though I recognize the need to quit, I dont really want to quit, I LOVE heroin and LOVE the way it makes me feel...and no one succeeds in quitting if they really really really DO NOT want to quit, the ones that make it off this shit have a super duper desire to quit, until we reach this point, we will continue to justify spending every dime we have on junk.
Good luck.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
