I'll forever Relapse

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Once I got the feeling 7 years ago it was the best ever.was like breathing seeing hearing for the first time.like I lived outside myself but in that moment found¡°me¡±have you gotten to that point when you realize that this is the link that combines you with yourself,opens your thoughts and yet same time clears your mind.I obviously was not using what I was given as instructed,I overdid it to the max and my abuse hurt people around me because my saviour was starting to destroy me.I like many others defended my substance and became sneaky,went to different doctors,pharmacies etc at the end I am still defendings it.I'm 2yrs almst sober minded and I still believe had I used responsibly I wouldn't have deteriorated so badly.and as I'm typing I know that tomorrow I'll visit a pharmacy because I miss myself the way I was and I need that feeling.is this wise?and is it worth it.?

 

[Keif' Richards]

I appreciate that you're struggling with an addiction here and many of us on Bluelight including myself struggle with the same issue. Unfortunately though, this sort of thing isn't really suited for Basic Drug Discussion. This forum is more aimed at Harm Reduction and I would classify this as more of a recovery-related post. If you don't mind I'm going to go ahead and move this to the Dark Side where you might get some better responses, good luck!

Also, yourself and others might benefit from you keeping a blog here on BL documenting your struggle. It might be an eye-opening venture.

BDD -> TDS

 

[Kittycat5]

Probably not. Im not exactly the best person to give advice on this but whatever the drugs give you is probably false. I understand what you mean but its really bullshit. If I could get my old self back, pre-drug use, I would in a second. Dont throw 2 years away.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Thank you for your replies.I know I'd be stupid to start the cycle again,and it would be denial to say the least to expect that it won't become an habit again.I miss that feeling and its playing with my mind..its all I think about lately just feel that peace,calm and serene..my life is chaos can't tell left from right..I need a break..since I don't drink alcohol at all this is my only form of meditation,inner peace and help.people can talk your ear off give you advise the will hold your hand and you'll still feel insecure,alone and filled with doubt.and I get my confidence from my substance and gives me the trust in myself my life and the decisions that I make,because I put more engergy into it,work a little harder towards it..give me new perspective,outlooking on life.but when I start abusing and it starts to fill the better part of my day,that's a point that scares me..and yes if I use once I'll def do it on regular basis

 

[herbavore]

It's hard to do the work inside your own head but you hit the nail on the head with the word 'trust'; trusting a substance to continue to deliver peace rather than learning to trust your own outlook to create peace despite life's turmoil seems like addiction talking. Have you ever explored any philosophy or spiritual practice that could help foster that sense of peace within that you are after? For me, educating myself on mindfulness has helped immensely as has studying the philosophy underlying Buddhism. Our culture sets us up to be in a constant reactive state and just learning how to step outside that mind-state has been life altering for me.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Thank you and yes I was at the pharmacy but just go vitamins and left.I'm scared and I think I made the right choice,I know I'll lose it soon after and spiral down into the same maze I was before.life itself is already a torture,I'd b stupid to add more to my load.

 

[Cdkman]

Opiates didn't give u any link to yourself or find anything special..opiates just take away the fear and pain so u can live in peace from your own mind..this feeling is also possible thru meditation and training your mind..it won't numb the pain but it will take away the constant fear so u can live at peace with yourself

 

[Phil.McKeer]

OP, you didn't specify but I'm assuming the substance in question is an opioid or maybe a benzo?

From what you wrote, I get the feeling that you know that you are susceptible to using your DOC irresponsibly and that it will cause harm in your life. It is also clear from that you have the ability to resist relapse - you did it for 2 years, not to mention your going to the pharmacy today and being able to leave without filling your script.

Try to be strong like you've been for the last two years. If you've gone that long, and if you are able to go to the pharmacy with the intent of copping but can leave without doing it, I think with some willpower you can continue to resist.

Keep yourself busy, call some friends (if you can be honest with them and let them know you need support, so much the better, but sometimes we can't if said friends are judgmental or you need to keep the information secret, all of which is understandable as many of my friends are like that).

Keeping yourself busy and socializing will really help take your mind off of it. The more you think about it, the more you'll rationalize to yourself why its ok to relapse.

 

[Pilll_head]

Once I got the feeling 7 years ago it was the best ever.was like breathing seeing hearing for the first time.like I lived outside myself but in that moment found¡°me¡±have you gotten to that point when you realize that this is the link that combines you with yourself,opens your thoughts and yet same time clears your mind.I obviously was not using what I was given as instructed,I overdid it to the max and my abuse hurt people around me because my saviour was starting to destroy me.I like many others defended my substance and became sneaky,went to different doctors,pharmacies etc at the end I am still defendings it.I'm 2yrs almst sober minded and I still believe had I used responsibly I wouldn't have deteriorated so badly.and as I'm typing I know that tomorrow I'll visit a pharmacy because I miss myself the way I was and I need that feeling.is this wise?and is it worth it.?

I've been pretty responsible with my usage over the years but I have to admit I'm in the same boat as you. By responsible I mean it hasn't caused any health, money, legal or work-related problems for me. Drug users tend to become withdrawn and unsocial and that's definitely true for me but I have always been that way. Having said that, I agree with Cdkman that this is a complete crutch and a substitute for real, genuinely satisfying life experiences. I think I underestimated the pyschological dependence a lot. I've quit several times for a month or so but I strongly doubt I would ever be able to quit for good because of that constant "pull" by my memories back to the drug

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Being sober for 2 years is huge so be proud and keep going!

It's been a year for me going through drug abuse and it's messing with my head big time. When your life and your own brain doesn't make sense, it's easy to get back on a drug that makes everything feel just right.

There must be something that kept you away for 2 years so hold on.

 

[ATLL765]

Don't go back down that hole. I've had years sober before and thrown it away to use again. It's never worth it. It never fixed any of my problems, it never made me feel any better about myself, forget my pain, grief, it never helped me in any way. It only made me feel worse about myself and feel more depressed.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Thank you all for your replies.Yes I stood strong and walked away.For now I'm able to stand my ground.Yes people r judge mental so I keep things to myself and it helps to post here and talk to people that can relate.I'm thankful for each and everyone of you.if every you struggle or just want to vent I'll be right here.