if someone who has lost a lifemate...

[tismeyousee]

a friend of mine, whom i had been with for three years, recently died from oding and hitting his head. he bled out all over his bathroom floor.
we were great friends for a couple of years, together for three.. i was a heroin addict, he wasnt. on our first anniversary, he asked me what i wanted to do. my response was 'shoot up with me.' i got pregnant a couple years later and had to get clean.. he wasnt able to so we split up. we gave our daughter up for adoption.. open. we stayed the best of friends over the next several years. and we were very much both still in love with the other. we decided not to be together while our children still depended on us. neither one of us believed we would stay clean if we were together.
i'm telling you this just to let you know that i expected to spend the rest of my life with him. and he died because he met me.
i dont know how to deal with this. i dont know how long i'm going to feel like i'm the walking dead. it's been four months. i'm no longer clean but i'm being responsible about it. i guess i just need advice.
how do you come to terms with this? yes, the guilt.. but much more, the loss. i dont believe in god. i dont believe that he exists somewhere, anywhere. yet i absolutely cannot imagine never speaking to him, touching him, hearing his voice.....how long will this last?

 

[Droppersneck]

It wasnt your fault. Heroin is tough

 

[tismeyousee]

partially, what you say is true. i didn't make his decisions for him throughout the last decade.. but the fact remains.. he had never done a drug other than pot before he met me. and we knew each other for years.. i seemed like i had it together..i removed the taboo, it no longer seemed like a big deal.. most likely, had he never met me, he never would have been offered heroin. he wouldnt have died the way he did.
and that guilt fucking sucks, no doubt.
i do appreciate your kindness though. thank you.

 

[Ksa]

<censored by user (profile compromised)>

 

[Mr. Squiggle!]

a friend of mine, whom i had been with for three years, recently died from oding and hitting his head. he bled out all over his bathroom floor.
we were great friends for a couple of years, together for three.. i was a heroin addict, he wasnt. on our first anniversary, he asked me what i wanted to do. my response was 'shoot up with me.' i got pregnant a couple years later and had to get clean.. he wasnt able to so we split up. we gave our daughter up for adoption.. open. we stayed the best of friends over the next several years. and we were very much both still in love with the other. we decided not to be together while our children still depended on us. neither one of us believed we would stay clean if we were together.
i'm telling you this just to let you know that i expected to spend the rest of my life with him. and he died because he met me.
i dont know how to deal with this. i dont know how long i'm going to feel like i'm the walking dead. it's been four months. i'm no longer clean but i'm being responsible about it. i guess i just need advice.
how do you come to terms with this? yes, the guilt.. but much more, the loss. i dont believe in god. i dont believe that he exists somewhere, anywhere. yet i absolutely cannot imagine never speaking to him, touching him, hearing his voice.....how long will this last?

Another one bites the dust. It was partially your fault for introducing him to heroin, hence why there's this guilty feeling that's also mixed with major sadness, not depression, but sadness. But it was his fault for injecting heroin in a bathroom, where there's a shitload of dangerous stuff lying around. I mean cause of death would most definitely have been sub-arachnoid hemorrhage, which is bleeding throughout the brain due to trauma, not heroin.
[Mate, please be a bit more sensitive with your comments in a thread like this. Next time you will receive an official warning - n3o]
I'm talking straight with you, because you need to know the facts of life. The loss. First off, you need to stop using, before you do something that you might regret. Check yourself in to a Methadone/Subutex program, and stay on it, as in say to yourself, OKAY! THAT PART OF MY LIFE IS OVER! HEROIN WILL NOT CONSUME ME LIKE IT DID TO MY FRIEND.

God is irrelevant in this situation, okay? What you need to do is go and see a drug doctor, get clean, maybe start up a course of anti-depressants/benzodiazepines just to start off with, and then meet another guy, who doesn't do drugs! People can also find that 'faith' is what keeps them going. I am agnostic, you're an atheist. Try and attend a Church, see how that works out for you. Because this 'faith', of sorts, may help you deal in the long run, with the death of a beloved one.

Read more, be active, get some fresh air, exercise, meditate, drink green tea...It's a lifestyle decision. This could be a turning point in your life.

BTW, I'm a PsyD.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

Whether you believe in an afterlife or not is irrelevent. Your lifemate lives on in your memories!

Focus on and celebrate the good experiences you shared together in life. Know that you made the right decisions where your child was involved and that in this child...produced by the love you shared...your lifemate lives on!

Please try to get clean for your child. When you communicate/visit you will want your child to create fond memories of you as a sober birth-mommy.

I am truly sorry for your immense loss. May time bring you peace.

 

[Lolie]

How long will this last? The "normal" grief cycle lasts around two years. The first year is full of many firsts but most people start establishing new traditions to replace old ones at some point during the second year. That said, it takes as long as it takes and some people never really move forward.

In your case I think that your feelings of guilt probably warrant some kind of life transition counselling, for your child's sake if not your own. It would be very easy for you to get "stuck" in the in the place where you are now and hostage to a past which cannot be changed.

I also think that the current generation is less prepared for loss in general than previous generations. I know that my own children made it to young adulthood with very little experience of death and grieving which made it much harder to put it into the context of life than it is for people than many other cultures and was for previous generations. The idea that every relationship you have in your life will at some point end was a really hard one for them to grasp.

One thing I would suggest is that you not get into a new relationship to ease the loss. Pretty much everyone is fucked up to some degree after the kind of loss you've suffered and while it's easy to look to someone else to fill the void, those kind of transitional relationships tend to end badly when you're no longer as needy as you are right now.

 

[tismeyousee]

thank you everyone

 

[*=Regulator=*]

That truly sucks. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your partner.

All I can say about grief is that you never 'get over' it but as time goes on, it gradually stops occupying all your thoughts and eventually you will get flashes of the good times you spent together in your memory, rather than the horror you are going through now.

Such a cliche, but time heals.

Good luck!

 

[paranoid android]

I dunno what to ssy thats horrible I couldnt imagine loosing the one i love it would just gut me litterally i dunno what id do. So im deeply sorry for you loss,

As for everyone that was kinda mean to her in this thread how would you feel if something similar happened to you? It's easy to judge when your not in their shoes.

I don't believe in a afterlife in a sense there is a god, heaven or anything but i do believe that people live on in our memories and thoughts of them. Thats the afterlife i believe in.

 

[izzy66]

i am sorry for your loss.
my husband was killed in a work related accident more than 20 years ago and i still grieve the loss. i had a terrible precognative dream the night before he died but i was unable to convince him to stay home and away from his jobsite. by 8:30 a.m he was dead. "freak accident" everyone said but i still experience incredible guilt.

i do not participate in organized religion but i do have spiritual beliefs. through my work as a nurse i have seen what many ppl call "miracles" and too many things have happened to me personally that i cannot dismiss the possibility of some "higher power" for lack of a better term.

grief changes but i don't think it ever goes away. the first year was def the worst but i still have times of incredible guilt and despair even after so long.
best of luck to you.
-izzy

 

[CharlesTheHammer]

I had a similar experience

a friend of mine, whom i had been with for three years, recently died from oding and hitting his head. he bled out all over his bathroom floor.
we were great friends for a couple of years, together for three.. i was a heroin addict, he wasnt. on our first anniversary, he asked me what i wanted to do. my response was 'shoot up with me.' i got pregnant a couple years later and had to get clean.. he wasnt able to so we split up. we gave our daughter up for adoption.. open. we stayed the best of friends over the next several years. and we were very much both still in love with the other. we decided not to be together while our children still depended on us. neither one of us believed we would stay clean if we were together.
i'm telling you this just to let you know that i expected to spend the rest of my life with him. and he died because he met me.
i dont know how to deal with this. i dont know how long i'm going to feel like i'm the walking dead. it's been four months. i'm no longer clean but i'm being responsible about it. i guess i just need advice.
how do you come to terms with this? yes, the guilt.. but much more, the loss. i dont believe in god. i dont believe that he exists somewhere, anywhere. yet i absolutely cannot imagine never speaking to him, touching him, hearing his voice.....how long will this last?

I hooked an aquaintance up with heroin for the first time, cause he was suffering from MAJOR back pain from an accident at work where he blew out 3 discs in his back on the job. I stopped by, and he was in severe pain, and I had some dope, so I turned him on.

Then after a few days we lost touch for 10 years. I stopped by his house to say hi after 10 years, only to find out he was in prison for vehicular homicide. Turns out, he had gotten hooked on H after I turned him on to it, and he had gone out one night to score more H, and on the way back he nodded out at the wheel on I-495, and hit a car head on which was carrying an elderly couple, and they both died.

I dont blame myself, because I didnt force him to make that choice, but it was me that turned him on initially.........

 

[Lysis]

tismey, I still feel a little guilty about my BF dying from an OD, so I know how you feel (on that level...no one truly knows how you feel). He moved here to be with me, got into drugs, I basically told him I didn't want to talk to him because he was acting weird. He got a lot worse and finally did too much accidentally.

I can tell you that the guilt does subside, but it doesn't really go away completely. You have to tell yourself that it's not your fault, and I suggest talking to a therapist. I didn't talk to one, and I think that was a mistake. I tried talking to friends and family, and honestly, they get sick of hearing about it, because they don't care about the person. Maybe you are luckier than I am and have a good friend who will lend an ear.

One thing you have to remember is that it was his choice. He decided to continue doing the drugs and increase his dose. It is not your fault. It is completely his fault, even though I understand where your guilt is coming from.

You will never forget him, and even after 2.5 years I think of him every day. I had 2 BFs who told me they were sick of hearing about him, so it has affected me. I try to be open about things with my SOs, and I guess talking about him is not a good idea. It hurts, because it explains some of my emotion, but I haven't really found someone who is sympathetic. I credit that to people who just don't understand, and that is why I love BL and the support here. It's also why you should stick around here if you need a place to cry and see someone if you can find the time.

I'm so sorry you went through this. It gets better, I promise even though it feels like someone has ripped your heart out, the pain does subside.

 

[Lysis]

i am sorry for your loss.
my husband was killed in a work related accident more than 20 years ago and i still grieve the loss. i had a terrible precognative dream the night before he died but i was unable to convince him to stay home and away from his jobsite. by 8:30 a.m he was dead. "freak accident" everyone said but i still experience incredible guilt.

i do not participate in organized religion but i do have spiritual beliefs. through my work as a nurse i have seen what many ppl call "miracles" and too many things have happened to me personally that i cannot dismiss the possibility of some "higher power" for lack of a better term.

grief changes but i don't think it ever goes away. the first year was def the worst but i still have times of incredible guilt and despair even after so long.
best of luck to you.
-izzy

Reallly interesting about your dream. My BF had a dream and I STILL have the IM where he told me. My BF who died was very much into the supernatural, and of course I am not. I blew him off after he told me that he dreamed something awful was going to happen. That was November 2007, and I even went back to read the IM. April 2008 is when he died. That still totally freaks me out.

Also, I agree that the first year is the worst. That's pretty much how long it took me to start feeling a little better.