Relapse I think I got addicted again

[isaaccain]

I really don't want to offend anyone, I feel like a fraud because I know my case is probably the least severe you'll find on the recovery forums, but I want advice. I was addicted to codeine around October time, but a month-long stay as a hospital inpatient cleared that up for the most part. It was only psychological, like it is now, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I think I was taking around 300mg a day for a week, but after that I had the restraint to pace myself and keep it to one high every four days. I tried to stop when I wasn't getting high anymore, but I gave up. All I was getting then was cravings, but when I was in hospital for anorexia I couldn't get any, even though I'd asked friends to help me out, and I managed to quit for a few months, excluding occasional CWEs.

Well now I've got some terrible pain in my jaw and I managed to get some slightly stronger than OTC pills (15/500s), which isn't really working for the pain so I started doing CWEs with them a few times a week. I ran out of the 100 I was prescribed in about 10 days, so I asked my dad if I could use his 30/500s, and he was happy to lend me them, but again I just kept on using them in CWEs. Anyways I have the worst fucking memory these days because the one time I managed to get about 30 pure 30mg pills I took 20 at once and stopped breathing (I had no tolerance then), so I honestly can't tell you my dosages and how often I've gotten high and for how long, but I've got a tolerance to around 450mg, which will do nothing for me except make me hot and maybe a little happy, even with 40mg of promethazine about an hour and a half after ingestion (as to not antagonise CYP2D6).

Right the reason I think I'm addicted is because I haven't had a chance to do a CWE because I've started going into school more often (I dropped out of most of my classes), so I haven't taken ANYTHING in 5 days (haven't even smoked or drank alcohol). Anyway after the first day I was so depressed, I couldn't understand why but I put it down to the weather, which usually puts me in a bad mood if it's cloudy. Ever since then it's only gotten worse and I feel like crying all day long but I just can't. The weather's gotten so nice it's like when I was living in Israel, but 20º cooler (That's 40ºF for the Americans, Belizeans, and Bhutanese). Not only that but I have barely anything to be upset about anymore. A few months ago I had my reasons, but now... right, I'm 15, so keep that in mind when reading this, but I got popular at school almost overnight, I lost a lot of weight (anorexia, remember?) and I'm not fat anymore, but I'm not anorexic anymore, either. I'm not doing AS badly in school, and this is where people usually lose respect for me, but literally like in year 9 I got really obsessed with this girl and I still am and because I said a lot of bad things she wouldn't even look at me for about a year, but now like she says she forgives me and that she's not uncomfortable around me anymore, and I don't think she's at the point where she can just freely talk to me, but group conversations are fine ,and I thought I'd finally be happy once she forgave me, but I'm not.

So those are the reasons why I can't be depressed because of circumstance and a brief history of my opiate use. Anyway I've got 600mg, 300mg in 15/500s and another in 30/500s, and I can't stop thinking about whether it'd wake my dad up or not if I were to start a CWE. I've never been so suicidal in my life it's at the point where it's a physical feeling instead of an emotion. I can actually feel it in my stomach and I haven't had this much anxiety in so long. Whenever I think about how my friend started using pills and doing coke it gives me so much anxiety and I can't find a reason why. He just sent me a message saying 'Mandy and beak, hmu' and it fucking terrified me, and I keep waking up sweating, too and it's making it so hard to sleep, and I don't think this is really a w/d symptom but I keep getting muscle pains all over my calves and ankles and in my stomach, and I'm always breathless.

Ugh I know it could be worse but I'm 15, cut me some slack. I just want help. I have a drug counsellor but I haven't seen her in a while and I don't want to tell her anything.

 

[DoctorMolecule]

I really don't want to offend anyone, I feel like a fraud because I know my case is probably the least severe you'll find on the recovery forums, but I want advice. I was addicted to codeine around October time, but a month-long stay as a hospital inpatient cleared that up for the most part. It was only psychological, like it is now, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I think I was taking around 300mg a day for a week, but after that I had the restraint to pace myself and keep it to one high every four days. I tried to stop when I wasn't getting high anymore, but I gave up. All I was getting then was cravings, but when I was in hospital for anorexia I couldn't get any, even though I'd asked friends to help me out, and I managed to quit for a few months, excluding occasional CWEs.

Well now I've got some terrible pain in my jaw and I managed to get some slightly stronger than OTC pills (15/500s), which isn't really working for the pain so I started doing CWEs with them a few times a week. I ran out of the 100 I was prescribed in about 10 days, so I asked my dad if I could use his 30/500s, and he was happy to lend me them, but again I just kept on using them in CWEs. Anyways I have the worst fucking memory these days because the one time I managed to get about 30 pure 30mg pills I took 20 at once and stopped breathing (I had no tolerance then), so I honestly can't tell you my dosages and how often I've gotten high and for how long, but I've got a tolerance to around 450mg, which will do nothing for me except make me hot and maybe a little happy, even with 40mg of promethazine about an hour and a half after ingestion (as to not antagonise CYP2D6).

Right the reason I think I'm addicted is because I haven't had a chance to do a CWE because I've started going into school more often (I dropped out of most of my classes), so I haven't taken ANYTHING in 5 days (haven't even smoked or drank alcohol). Anyway after the first day I was so depressed, I couldn't understand why but I put it down to the weather, which usually puts me in a bad mood if it's cloudy. Ever since then it's only gotten worse and I feel like crying all day long but I just can't. The weather's gotten so nice it's like when I was living in Israel, but 20º cooler (That's 40ºF for the Americans, Belizeans, and Bhutanese). Not only that but I have barely anything to be upset about anymore. A few months ago I had my reasons, but now... right, I'm 15, so keep that in mind when reading this, but I got popular at school almost overnight, I lost a lot of weight (anorexia, remember?) and I'm not fat anymore, but I'm not anorexic anymore, either. I'm not doing AS badly in school, and this is where people usually lose respect for me, but literally like in year 9 I got really obsessed with this girl and I still am and because I said a lot of bad things she wouldn't even look at me for about a year, but now like she says she forgives me and that she's not uncomfortable around me anymore, and I don't think she's at the point where she can just freely talk to me, but group conversations are fine ,and I thought I'd finally be happy once she forgave me, but I'm not.

So those are the reasons why I can't be depressed because of circumstance and a brief history of my opiate use. Anyway I've got 600mg, 300mg in 15/500s and another in 30/500s, and I can't stop thinking about whether it'd wake my dad up or not if I were to start a CWE. I've never been so suicidal in my life it's at the point where it's a physical feeling instead of an emotion. I can actually feel it in my stomach and I haven't had this much anxiety in so long. Whenever I think about how my friend started using pills and doing coke it gives me so much anxiety and I can't find a reason why. He just sent me a message saying 'Mandy and beak, hmu' and it fucking terrified me, and I keep waking up sweating, too and it's making it so hard to sleep, and I don't think this is really a w/d symptom but I keep getting muscle pains all over my calves and ankles and in my stomach, and I'm always breathless.

Ugh I know it could be worse but I'm 15, cut me some slack. I just want help. I have a drug counsellor but I haven't seen her in a while and I don't want to tell her anything.

You hit the nail on the head, you're addicted. Welcome to the club. Not bad for a 15 year older to realize this. You've even also talked about cold water extractions, so I think you know some of the so called 'chops' of harm reduction. You're spot on about suddenly not using and feeling what Doc calls withdrawls. So you've got options my young friend 1. Continue to use, have a trusted friend dose you out 2. taper and withdrawl like the rest of us have to from time to time 3. Follow suggestion 2, and quit. 4. Stay quit if you choose

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh man OP I am so fucking sorry I forgot to respond to this the other day!

First of all, PLEASE do not belittle yourself like that. There is no comparing one person's suffering to another. And even if we were able to do something like that, you have a serious habit going. Yeah it might not be "as dramatic" as the bullshit I got into with heroin, but that doesn't mean its challenges are any easier to overcome. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, and you clearly already know this, so cut yourself some slack, pretty please

Considering you do have a serious habit (especially given your age), you really should find a psychiatrist who can prescribe you medication to (at the very least) help you manage the acute withdrawal. They are hard to find for teens, but an outpatient buprenorphine provider sounds exactly like what you need.

Do you have a doctor or therapist you feel safe talking to about this? Most drug counselors are under trained and unprofessional (it's a pretty impoverished profession), so I'd try and just find someone who specializes in treating youth with opioid disorders (and it definitely sounds like you have an opioid use disorder). The best way to find such specialists is through well known university hospitals that specialize in treating opioid use disorders (which many have). What are the big universities near you where you could try and source a qualified physician to get you the help you need?

And I just want to commend you for being smart and practicing harm reduction! You've clearly got a great head on your shoulders, recognizing that your use of codeine has become a problem and reaching out for help - even if the first step has just been using BL to do so. That deserves a lot of fucking kudos! Keep you're head up, because the road your own isn't going to be easy, but overcoming your challenges will be more rewarding than you could even begin to imagine (way better than any high, believe it or not).

You hit the nail on the head, you're addicted. Welcome to the club. Not bad for a 15 year older to realize this. You've even also talked about cold water extractions, so I think you know some of the so called 'chops' of harm reduction. You're spot on about suddenly not using and feeling what Doc calls withdrawls. So you've got options my young friend 1. Continue to use, have a trusted friend dose you out 2. taper and withdrawl like the rest of us have to from time to time 3. Follow suggestion 2, and quit. 4. Stay quit if you choose

This is good advice. I just wanted to add... Although in one sense, yes, those are essentially the four options the OP has regarding their codeine use, it may not be quite that simple (or at least it probably won't feel that simple from their perspective).

 

[RDP89]

Yeah, opioid withdrawal will make you depressed as fuck. I would do a taper if I was you.

 

[DoctorMolecule]

Oh man OP I am so fucking sorry I forgot to respond to this the other day!

First of all, PLEASE do not belittle yourself like that. There is no comparing one person's suffering to another. And even if we were able to do something like that, you have a serious habit going. Yeah it might not be "as dramatic" as the bullshit I got into with heroin, but that doesn't mean its challenges are any easier to overcome. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, and you clearly already know this, so cut yourself some slack, pretty please

Considering you do have a serious habit (especially given your age), you really should find a psychiatrist who can prescribe you medication to (at the very least) help you manage the acute withdrawal. They are hard to find for teens, but an outpatient buprenorphine provider sounds exactly like what you need.

Do you have a doctor or therapist you feel safe talking to about this? Most drug counselors are under trained and unprofessional (it's a pretty impoverished profession), so I'd try and just find someone who specializes in treating youth with opioid disorders (and it definitely sounds like you have an opioid use disorder). The best way to find such specialists is through well known university hospitals that specialize in treating opioid use disorders (which many have). What are the big universities near you where you could try and source a qualified physician to get you the help you need?

And I just want to commend you for being smart and practicing harm reduction! You've clearly got a great head on your shoulders, recognizing that your use of codeine has become a problem and reaching out for help - even if the first step has just been using BL to do so. That deserves a lot of fucking kudos! Keep you're head up, because the road your own isn't going to be easy, but overcoming your challenges will be more rewarding than you could even begin to imagine (way better than any high, believe it or not).



This is good advice. I just wanted to add... Although in one sense, yes, those are essentially the four options the OP has regarding their codeine use, it may not be quite that simple (or at least it probably won't feel that simple from their perspective).

Addiction is addiction in my book no matter what the chemical is, OP follow the suggestions of the above posters, you need professional help. What's your home life situation? Supportive?