OpiateKiller
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2019
- Messages
- 2,370
On Saturday night I was unable to attain my normal 5 grams of fentanyl/carfentynil mix or whatever it was, but it was undoubtedly The strongest opioids I have ever used in my life. I had reached a tolerance of shooting 5 grams a day when at first a month ago I overdosed on sniffing a 50 mg line with a suboxone habit .
Almost 36 hours had passed and I was starting to experience the withdrawal of this drug for the first time, and let me explain to you that the withdrawal from this street opioid mix was the devil. Was quite literally there is nothing possible that a human being could go through worse than what I went through. It was the most excruciatingly painful 16 hours of my entire life.
At Sunday at 6 pm I decided I needed to take a sub in prep for a huge day of work Monday at 6 am. I took 2 mg and put it under my tongue. This is when things got incredibly weird. I went into something of a psychosis where I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I saw the rest of the Suboxone and remembered the mission I was headed on and decided to eat the remaining 6 mg.
At this time it was maybe 10 pm, and I was absolutely drenched in sweat, I was so cold cause of my entire bed and clothing being wet but was wrapped with so many blankets and heaters it was like a balancing game
Of attempting to keep my body at room temperature. I constantly was in fear of my breathing my lips being too cold. Eventually all of the stress on my mind and the pain I was in subsided and I was able to relax into a fetal like position.
Mind you I also shot 2 grams of MDMA 3 days ago so my brain has been on a wild ride of drugs. The fentanyl I was shooting was so strong i was unable to sleep because I would stop breathing and awakening gasping for air every 20 minutes. I was a walking dead.
I entered what I can only describe as a coma, or a deep sleep one I have not had in a long
Long time. My body was essentially fighting for its life at this moment.
I found myself in a deep dream state. Focused on the future. Focused on the word the “collective” . I know many people of psychedelic backgrounds know of this world and believe it to have deep meaning in our universe.
I was in a nearby town with plenty of others, but everyone seemed so happy. Everything was different. Life wasn’t a struggle, it never was supposed to painful, it was supposed to be a beautiful experience. During this time the town I was living in had a leader, who was ultimately elected upon there ability to bring up and guide the collective, or everyone else around. The focus of the vision was to ensure everyone was doing everything they can to live unselifshly, and to offer themselves to there planet, there fellow man, the animals, everything. Everyone was working as a whole unit to ensure the betterment of society.
Evil had somehow been casted out. when voting for these officials no one could speak upon there thoughts and I believe someone if someone did they were executed. I can’t remember this part so freely, but town leaders had special powers and would often resign because they failed to use the human greed for good. Such as lust and teleportation to empower themselves.
This whole vision I was having I was having an entire dialogue with the control centers of my mind. Everyone loved me in this alternative world, and I felt nothing of feelings of anxiety or fear but just belonging and happiness. Even whilst experiencing the most painful withdrawal experience in my life, my mind was at upmost peace casting the devil drug of fentanyl off of my receptors, I could actually unison telling my brains cells to fight back and to work in unison to beat this beast. I was able at times to convince my body to self regulate its temperature and I was also able to have deep meaningful conversations and the beautiful things in life whilst in the worst position I have ever been in.
As I said, anxiety was nothing more than a thought we had created to exist. It truly was just a feeling we had grown to think existed in our lives and with such twist in our reality it became our reality. When really, the mind is all powerful.
In my vision I was able to enter my blood streams, watch my organs operate, I could envision the grandest ideas of space travel and deep earth drilling’s with little speculation. It was all so clear to me the power we have within is infinite.
At around 4 am, after sleeping this 6 hour coma I awoke. I felt surprisingly at ease, that God was with me, but my journey was not yet completed.
I immediately tried to self medicate as I always do taking a double dose of clonidine, ibuprophen, and two nicotine pouches, within 30 seconds of taking these drugs, my mind began to spit terrible pain and images into my fore front. The words repeated in my center “not more toxins not more toxins, alert alert toxins entering the system prepare for war.
It all hit me so hard how all these drugs we rely on have done nothing but damaged our brains true potential to operate fully. To operate on a grand level, a godly level.
I tossed the nicotine out and quickly my body temp because colder and colder due to the clonidine. My anxiety came back as i tried to fight back to the coma state and find God. I knew God was there but my body was failing I was dying. I didn’t know if this immense pain was part of my mental break needed sufficient for a permanent change. But I truly felt i was at the mercy of God and there was nothing anything or anyone was going to do to stop it.
I had visions of how we selfishly get jealous of our lovers for human instincts, how we bring so much pain and anxiety into our lives which were meant to be nothing but a beautiful experience.
I texted my ex at 6 am and told her to call my dad and 911 that I was dying and needed an amubulance my lips were purple and I was freezing to death.
I ran downstairs into the shower which gave me momentarily relief on the hottest setting, but upon getting out and redressed I was once again cold sweating and fearing death of hypothermia.
I ended up back in the shower with all my
Clothes on just absorbing the heat. Finally the ambulance and police arrived and they knew me and just seeing me they knew this was the worst they’d ever seen me. I was frantic blue and dying a ghost of a soul, in such beautiful fight for my life but without reliance on God such fear it would end horribly,
The paramedics did pretty shitty to be honest with you I got pretty angry at them they didn’t administer any meds till the hospital when I told him I needed a shot of cocaine. Yes in the back of the ambulance I’m
Screaming at this 21 year old white kid I need a shot of cocaine my body is shutting down god damn it he took my temperature it was 95 and my blood pressure was actually 190/110 high not low as I suspected.
When they finally got me there still smoked in sweat covered in hospital blankets the nurse and doctors said they had never seen such intense opiate withdrawal in there life.
They refused me fentanyl but gave me iv ativan fluids and hydroXyine clonidine which seemed to bring me back to life. I think I had sweat out 5 pounds that night no joke.
At first I feared I may had overheated or under heated my brain and caused damage but now I don’t think that to be true.
For some reason God saved me through this one and I can’t explain why. I’m currently stabilized on Suboxone and feeling OK but I want real sobriety from all substances. The brain yelling at me for taking Tylenol and nicotine was such an eye opening experience how I went from
Stable to a state of pure terror.
I wish I could have a video of this vision but it is clear to be that if I don’t work towards bettering the world and not just me I will die very soon. I have lived as selfish as one possibly can. And it has caused so much pain.
Almost 36 hours had passed and I was starting to experience the withdrawal of this drug for the first time, and let me explain to you that the withdrawal from this street opioid mix was the devil. Was quite literally there is nothing possible that a human being could go through worse than what I went through. It was the most excruciatingly painful 16 hours of my entire life.
At Sunday at 6 pm I decided I needed to take a sub in prep for a huge day of work Monday at 6 am. I took 2 mg and put it under my tongue. This is when things got incredibly weird. I went into something of a psychosis where I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I saw the rest of the Suboxone and remembered the mission I was headed on and decided to eat the remaining 6 mg.
At this time it was maybe 10 pm, and I was absolutely drenched in sweat, I was so cold cause of my entire bed and clothing being wet but was wrapped with so many blankets and heaters it was like a balancing game
Of attempting to keep my body at room temperature. I constantly was in fear of my breathing my lips being too cold. Eventually all of the stress on my mind and the pain I was in subsided and I was able to relax into a fetal like position.
Mind you I also shot 2 grams of MDMA 3 days ago so my brain has been on a wild ride of drugs. The fentanyl I was shooting was so strong i was unable to sleep because I would stop breathing and awakening gasping for air every 20 minutes. I was a walking dead.
I entered what I can only describe as a coma, or a deep sleep one I have not had in a long
Long time. My body was essentially fighting for its life at this moment.
I found myself in a deep dream state. Focused on the future. Focused on the word the “collective” . I know many people of psychedelic backgrounds know of this world and believe it to have deep meaning in our universe.
I was in a nearby town with plenty of others, but everyone seemed so happy. Everything was different. Life wasn’t a struggle, it never was supposed to painful, it was supposed to be a beautiful experience. During this time the town I was living in had a leader, who was ultimately elected upon there ability to bring up and guide the collective, or everyone else around. The focus of the vision was to ensure everyone was doing everything they can to live unselifshly, and to offer themselves to there planet, there fellow man, the animals, everything. Everyone was working as a whole unit to ensure the betterment of society.
Evil had somehow been casted out. when voting for these officials no one could speak upon there thoughts and I believe someone if someone did they were executed. I can’t remember this part so freely, but town leaders had special powers and would often resign because they failed to use the human greed for good. Such as lust and teleportation to empower themselves.
This whole vision I was having I was having an entire dialogue with the control centers of my mind. Everyone loved me in this alternative world, and I felt nothing of feelings of anxiety or fear but just belonging and happiness. Even whilst experiencing the most painful withdrawal experience in my life, my mind was at upmost peace casting the devil drug of fentanyl off of my receptors, I could actually unison telling my brains cells to fight back and to work in unison to beat this beast. I was able at times to convince my body to self regulate its temperature and I was also able to have deep meaningful conversations and the beautiful things in life whilst in the worst position I have ever been in.
As I said, anxiety was nothing more than a thought we had created to exist. It truly was just a feeling we had grown to think existed in our lives and with such twist in our reality it became our reality. When really, the mind is all powerful.
In my vision I was able to enter my blood streams, watch my organs operate, I could envision the grandest ideas of space travel and deep earth drilling’s with little speculation. It was all so clear to me the power we have within is infinite.
At around 4 am, after sleeping this 6 hour coma I awoke. I felt surprisingly at ease, that God was with me, but my journey was not yet completed.
I immediately tried to self medicate as I always do taking a double dose of clonidine, ibuprophen, and two nicotine pouches, within 30 seconds of taking these drugs, my mind began to spit terrible pain and images into my fore front. The words repeated in my center “not more toxins not more toxins, alert alert toxins entering the system prepare for war.
It all hit me so hard how all these drugs we rely on have done nothing but damaged our brains true potential to operate fully. To operate on a grand level, a godly level.
I tossed the nicotine out and quickly my body temp because colder and colder due to the clonidine. My anxiety came back as i tried to fight back to the coma state and find God. I knew God was there but my body was failing I was dying. I didn’t know if this immense pain was part of my mental break needed sufficient for a permanent change. But I truly felt i was at the mercy of God and there was nothing anything or anyone was going to do to stop it.
I had visions of how we selfishly get jealous of our lovers for human instincts, how we bring so much pain and anxiety into our lives which were meant to be nothing but a beautiful experience.
I texted my ex at 6 am and told her to call my dad and 911 that I was dying and needed an amubulance my lips were purple and I was freezing to death.
I ran downstairs into the shower which gave me momentarily relief on the hottest setting, but upon getting out and redressed I was once again cold sweating and fearing death of hypothermia.
I ended up back in the shower with all my
Clothes on just absorbing the heat. Finally the ambulance and police arrived and they knew me and just seeing me they knew this was the worst they’d ever seen me. I was frantic blue and dying a ghost of a soul, in such beautiful fight for my life but without reliance on God such fear it would end horribly,
The paramedics did pretty shitty to be honest with you I got pretty angry at them they didn’t administer any meds till the hospital when I told him I needed a shot of cocaine. Yes in the back of the ambulance I’m
Screaming at this 21 year old white kid I need a shot of cocaine my body is shutting down god damn it he took my temperature it was 95 and my blood pressure was actually 190/110 high not low as I suspected.
When they finally got me there still smoked in sweat covered in hospital blankets the nurse and doctors said they had never seen such intense opiate withdrawal in there life.
They refused me fentanyl but gave me iv ativan fluids and hydroXyine clonidine which seemed to bring me back to life. I think I had sweat out 5 pounds that night no joke.
At first I feared I may had overheated or under heated my brain and caused damage but now I don’t think that to be true.
For some reason God saved me through this one and I can’t explain why. I’m currently stabilized on Suboxone and feeling OK but I want real sobriety from all substances. The brain yelling at me for taking Tylenol and nicotine was such an eye opening experience how I went from
Stable to a state of pure terror.
I wish I could have a video of this vision but it is clear to be that if I don’t work towards bettering the world and not just me I will die very soon. I have lived as selfish as one possibly can. And it has caused so much pain.
