TDS I relapsed, but I feel okay.

[mmhell]

Hello,

Well, I relapsed two weeks ago. My DOC is heroin, and I ended up using meth because I put myself in the position to use. I felt that I could handle it. Well its been a couple weeks since I used and I've managed to use some days and not others. When I know it will interfere with my daily life I will say no. Now I've been to AA/NA, detox, and rehab. Some people I know just cannot say no. However there I was sitting there and saying no while - someone- was offering me dope.

I feel like I have some self-control. I always have. I only really got heavy into drugs when I have an emotionally and spiritual hole. Through really looking deep into myself, and working on my problems I have managed to let go of the past and haven't been using drugs as an escape but strictly because I think they feel good.

I mean i got 50 or so days clean, smoked H for a week. Have not since, even though having been able too. same goes for meth, weed, and booze. It's just like since I have gotten okay with living life that I dont really feel the need to use like I use too.

I just get this feeling deep down, that AA/NA brainwashed me into thinking that the moment I use my life will go to shits, that i gotta go to meetings for life, work steps everyday, and live a day at a time.

But I don't feel like an addict. All AA/NA has done for me is made me feel guilty for ever single damn thing I do wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I have gotten addicted to opiates. I started at such a young age, and I honestly would have commit suicide if i had not been able to escape via nodding the fuck out and escaping. But I solved those problems, and feel comfortable in my own skin.

Honestly, I feel like I am in recovery because I am taking steps to better my life and solving my spiritual issues but I get crap every time I talk to a fellow addict who is an recovery. They say I am in denial and I am rationalizing my drug use and coming up with excuses too use. However, I know me best and I don't feel like an addict but just a 19 year old who without having the option to escape via some drugs would have escaped via a .45 to the head.

 

[Allein]

I guess the question I would ask is why do you go to AA / NA if you have fundamental issues with their approach ?

I live in the UK, I assume you're in the US but we have AA and NA as well as other drug counselling services, I've some experience of them. I've come across the 'drugs are bad hmmmmm kay..' a well as more pragmatic approaches, the latter suit me better as I suspect they would you.

There is an apparent school of thought that says that once you have been 'an addict' in some way your always an addict and need to approach any drug use with extreme caution or avoid it all together. I don't support this cover all, broad brush approach but other do the difference being I don't suggest they are deluded

Make your own mind up and seek help that you believe is a positive influence on your life, if your happy, genuinely happy then your ahead of the game IMHO

 

[herbavore]

It sounds to me like you are still conflicted about your drug use because you are calling this a relapse. If you truly feel that you only use drugs for the occasional fun of how they make you feel then why does it also feel like a relapse?

I understand how the dogma of AA can be difficult to deal with but my advice is to take the parts that are helpful and put them to use and just quietly and with confidence in yourself let the rest go. Read everything you can about addiction. There are many theories out there and new insights being made all the time. What you are doing to address your psychological scars and your spiritual life are absolutely vital and you have all my respect for that. Just be careful of those voices that tell you you have everything under control. What made you want to smoke heroin for a week straight?