I really should stop: Meth, Cocaine, Heroin, Alcohol - Experienced - Various amounts

[dankhead88]

I go to court and even though my body is physically fine, my brain tells me otherwise.

Been sober for my pretrial hearing but if I do walk out of the court room, I have a big fat surprise waiting for me in my vehicle that's hiding in the dark.

As I watch the clock, I wait for the judge... It seems that time likes to play games with a person's mind as I anxiously watch the clock. The more the I the clock the slower the time gets; only to make me feel more impatient than I already am.

"Jesus, you are taking forever. Please, for the love of god, let's get this over with"​

The judge finally calls my name and I expect the worst from getting caught and hospitalized with methamphetamine and heroin possession(which I was only charged with methamphetamine). License suspension, 5 year probation, and all the other works and limitations for an individuals' freedom. After all, I already used my First Offender plea and Nolo Contendere, so I was out of cards to play and all these punishments were racing through my mind. I mean, it seems logical.

"Sigh, well there goes the rest of my young adulthood."​

The public defender( I would think she is) calls me and gives me a Pretrial Intervention Program that will drop my charges in 12 weeks along with community service without having to plead guilty or not-guilty and to my surprise, that went better than expected. I was quite the cheerful little bastard after hearing that. A big sigh of relief, I'll say.

As soon as I got that deal, I rushed to the car and got into my secret spot. I had a small bag ready for me for one time use. A fat mix of heroin and methamphetamine. I did that and immediately felt as if I won the lottery then I went and proceed to find the other person I was going to help drop off; a person I've met when I was in jail for that short period of time. He agreed to throw me some gas money and whatnot, but before we went to his house, we went ahead and went to his dope man. In which we picked up a couple bags of dope and and cocaine from the other side of the block and from that point we prepped up a shot in the middle of the ghetto and at the public library near his house, doing speedballs all afternoon.

I felt guilty in a sense, for the fact that I was getting high all that time even after the trouble that got me in jail in the first place. I am happy that I don't have an opioid addiction like I used to, but when it comes to psychological fixations, I always feel they're a different story and it somehow always pulls me in and I feel guilty to succumb that low. To feel that a drug has to have that effect over my emotions.

"You know, things could've been different and things could've been better."​

I eventually make it to his house, but when I was coming down from the coke, I felt more opiated than usual, but luckily I was not nodding off, thanks to the methamphetamine.(please do not drive under the influence) As soon as I got home, I finished the bag of dope and drifted in and out of nodland while having several glasses of cabernet sauvignon. The wine settled in for a good while, until I eventually vomited all over the toilet, turning the porcelain red from the wine. After several hours of being opiated, sleep deprived, and drunk, I fell asleep until the next day I finished my bottle of wine and had my last shot of dope.

I was tired of it. The intoxication is great and all, but why am I so afraid of sobriety? Is it adulthood? Is it boredom? I honestly have no clue, but it is seriously going to hinder my time to achieve freedom from this charge and although I am tinkering with some drugs here and there, I am going to stop it all, so that I can get my head straight. Before the IV and the heroin usage, I was quite the flirtatious guy, and was going out a lot, but it seems like I've ditched all my old friends, getting hooked on oxycodone and xanax, then to heroin, then later to methamphetamine and despite the current situation that I'm in, this could be the perfect time to get my shit together and start new before I get a step closer to being a relapsed addict.

 

[Deinonychus]

I believe the psychological addiction is a stronger force than physical addiction. If it weren't, I would be able to methadone or subutex my way down, slowly but surely, but all I want is to just go shoot more dope.

Judging from my experience quitting coke, the idea that you really have to want to stop to be able to stop rings true. And I just don't want to stop doing heroin yet, I still enjoy it too much. I would wager you may feel the same way. I can think of a million and one reasons why rationally I should not keep doing it, but that all gets brushed aside by the constant want want want some dope.

Good luck. It ain't easy.

 

[the_ketaman]

^^I feel the same. I know there are many reasons why I should stop using heroin but I just love it so much. Its one of my favourite things in life but I often get the feeling its what is going to bring me down if it hasnt already and I aso feel like it could very well kill me.

And to the OP that sounds like a really dangerous combo, heroin, coke, alcohol and meth! Thats quite franly crazy and if you keep doing it, it will kill you. I hope you can manage sobriety mate coz its really not good for you :/

 

[Deinonychus]

What's worse still is that I'm very nearly entirely functional. Sure, 99% isn't 100%, but I've used now for almost eight years, and in that time I've gone back to real high school to get my diploma (I had dropped out just prior to quitting coke/starting heroin) rather than just taking the GED, begun working a full-time manual labor job that I held down as the single most desirable employee to the various supervisors (company went under, didn't quit or get fired), went to community college to get my associates and then eventually to a highly prestigious digital media college for recording engineering, graduated with honors, started a semi-successful business for self-employment recording and mixing albums for local bands, etc. I have not missed a day of heroin use in six years and not gone a single day without any opiate at all in almost eight. Clearly I can manage my addiction at least reasonably well, or I could never have gotten all that shit done.

But then paradoxically this semi-functional state is a negative thing, because I've never really had to experience the hardships most junkie face, and so thus I haven't got all the negative shit that accompanies addiction to add to my motivation for getting clean. I'm very much aware though that semi-functional or not I'm still constantly balanced precariously on this knife edge between being well and getting shit done and total ruination of my life such as it is. And even the negatives that I have experienced, primarily the financial waste of quite literally hundreds of thousands of dollars that I could well have put into some form of asset or investment, and proudly at that since I made the damn money myself instead of open-palm begging from family or friends, *still* doesn't come close to stacking up to the want, want, want.

 

[dankhead88]

To Deinonychus, I agree that psychological addiction is much harder to stop. I feel that it sometimes comes in waves even after quitting for a while. I've dealt with physical withdrawals and brushed it off as a bad flu, food poisoning or as a common cold depending on how bad my opiate withdrawals have gotten in the past.(which still freaking sucked ass) but that feeling I get from my mind is unbearable, because it teases me, especially if I have funds to support it and still know people.

To Ketaman, I'm sure I could, but there are always that brief moment where I just get this urge to get a fix due to whatever reason, and it's even worse when I'm already intoxicated. When I do get intoxicated, I start getting out of control and start doing combos that isn't really considered safe. Once I get a drug in my system, that's when I feel "fueled". When I do feel fueled, everything else changes.

I really want to go back to being 20 years old again. Moderated drug use, healthy and athletic tone, paying off bills, and having a good amount of positive influences. whereas nowadays, most of my friends(known them since high school) are good people but tends to really get out of controls with drugs, and I feel that I draw into it because I love and adore that feeling too much. I've been thinking about it too, to just stop using for a long while and just focus on my health. Hell, even my diet is freaking horrible. Hopefully one of these days, I'll manage my life like I once used to.