TDS I really need help, I'm going to end up dead

[Eyes On the Roll]

Just some background first. I'm 22. from '11 to '12 I was heavily addicted to xanax and oxycodone. I'd do 5-10 30 mg ir Roxi's a day, with 3-6 2mg bars with it, every day. I detoxed on my own, by myself in my room, with no medical help, last May (stupid I know, I could have died). I've been clean for 15 months or so.

I have this chronic feeling of emptiness inside of me, and I've always been this way for as long as I can remember. I feel dead, and I always have. I've never found joy in anything. I'm not sad or depressed, I'm just chronically empty, and it's torture. I'm plagued with perpetual boredom. I'm so detached. I can never open up or connect with anyone. I constantly lie, and that's what separates me from everyone, and I can't help it. Trust me, I've tried.

Since I quit the pills, I've been trying to be sober from everything, but I can't. I make stupid, harmful decisions on impulse, and after I've made them, I look back and feel like I was just a passenger watching myself do these things. Just the other night, I bought a gram of coke, .6 of pure mdma, 100mgs of adderall IR, 2 mgs of Rohypnol, and a tab of 150 micrograms of LSD, and did it all in that same night. It's been two days since then, and looking back on the memory that lead up to that, I feel like I wasn't even there mentally, before I took the drugs. It's like I disconnected from my mind, and something inside of me went on auto pilot. It's like I was just a passenger, and I watched it all enfold.

I'm starting to realize that this really is a disease. I can tell myself I'm not going to eat Taco bell because of how bad it is for me, and consciously walk away without a second thought. But it's like, before I even make the decision to buy or take drugs, I'm already gone, disconnected from my conscious.

I never ask for help in real life, because my pride always gets in the way. I always experience brief moments where I tell myself "wow, I need help, really bad", but then that thought disappears and I tell myself I'm fine. Every confession I've ever made about my condition has never given me any foreground, because seconds after I admit that I have a serious, morbid problem, I convince myself that it's nothing that I can't control.

The truth is, I can't control it, and I'm going to end up dead very soon. I'm surprised I'm not dead yet. I don't know what to do about it.

 

[Tommyboy]

"Nothing changes if nothing changes."

How do you plan on things getting better if you don't get help to figure out how to go about dealing with your problems? If you sit around just thinking about this stuff on your own it's not good for you and isn't healthy. See if you can get into an outpatient rehab, or maybe check out a meeting.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I don't know how to ask for help. I've never been good at communicating and expressing my true feelings. Nobody close to me even knows it's this bad because I hide it so well. You think I haven't tried to change? That's all I've been trying to do since I was 17. Nobody understands what I'm going through, and how hard it is.

 

[Tommyboy]

I think you misinterpreted the quote. It's meant to mean that nothing will change if you don't get help where you can get suggestions on how to change, and then put them into place. It wasn't meant to call you out on not trying to change, it was just to say you should try new ways to change.

It's hard to change when nobody understands what you are going through. That's why I suggested the outpatient rehab or some NA meetings or something. At least there are a lot of people there that understand what you are going though and how hard it is, and they will have suggestions on what to do to get better.

If you have been trying since you were 17, then it's probably time to try something else. Some sort of support group will help you figure things out.

 

[manboychef]

Actually eyes, we as addicts are usually so self absorbed that we fail to realize that those around us are acutely aware of us self destructing inside. If you want a place to start, try talking to your parents, or close friends. The only way to beat this is by having a strong support network.

 

[Maya]

Actually eyes, we as addicts are usually so self absorbed that we fail to realize that those around us are acutely aware of us self destructing inside. If you want a place to start, try talking to your parents, or close friends. The only way to beat this is by having a strong support network.

Manboychef nailed it! During the first month of my come down I tried to hide it from my parents and friends but I realized that my dad and some of my friends actually noticed that there is something wrong. When I broke down and cried because of my stupid mistake my dad told me that he knew all along and he was just waiting for me to see if I wanted to talk to him. You should definitely talk to someone and start it with your family. I am not sure how your relationship is with them but your family should always be there to help and support you because that's what family is all about. Now I have a better relationship with my parents and this come down is some what a blessing as well. Good luck EOTR we are also here if you need some help.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Do you meditate and exercise daily? Try exploring what's missing in your life.