complexPHILOSOPHY
Bluelighter
Before you continue reading, I must warn you that it will contain graphic details. My brother, Jordan Lee Novak, 19 years old, brother and best friend to me, Trevor Novak, passed away on Sunday, December 21, 2008. I found him dead hanging in his bathroom.
I have to tell this story and if you can handle it, please read it. This is part of my grieving process and bluelight is the first place I decided to come for support external to those who knew my brother.
It was Sunday morning at 3:15 am. I was asleep in my bed, laying with my girlfriend. My phone rang. I woke up and waited for it to stop. It rang again. I thought perhaps my brother was calling me for a ride home from work, or from a bar, or somewhere. I always took my brother where he needed to go. I told him to call me at 3 in the morning if he needed me and that he could call ten times in a row to wake me up and id be there. If I came grumpy, it was only because I was tired but I was glad to be there for him. I told him I loved him everyday and told him I would always help him with anything he needed.
I answered the phone. It was Katie, my brother's ex-girlfriend. It was 3:20 am.
"Hello?" I said.
"Trevor, I think Jordan is going to hurt himself."
"What? What do you mean."
"He said that he was going to do something and to know that it isn't my fault and that he loves me."
"Okay, let me call him and I will call you back."
I called him several times over the next ten minutes. When I didn't get an answer, I decided to go over there.
I arrived at his apartment complex, it was 3:40 am. I walked up to his door and knocked.
No answer.
I opened the door and walked in. I saw his bedroom door shut with the lights off, and his roommates door shut with the lights off. I picked up the phone and called Katie.
"I think he is asleep, the doors are shut and the lights are off," I said.
"Trevor, go in there and make sure."
"He does this all the time, he prolly passed out."
"Go in there and make sure."
"Okay."
I reached for the door. It was locked.
"It's locked."
"Use a credit card, it works all the time."
"Alright, I'll call you right back."
I walked in. It was dark and I saw a lump under the comforter on his bed. I walked over and threw it off the bed. He wasn't under it. I thought perhaps he had gone for a walk as he usually does and would call me for a ride.
"The door was locked though." These words echoed in my head. I looked around and saw the bathroom door. The light was on and a sheet was hanging over the top. The event was so surreal I didn't quite grasp what was going on. I walked over and looked under the door and saw socks. I reached under and grabbed them and I felt feet. I ran out and banged on his roommates door. I ran back to the bathroom and began punching and kicking around the handle so it would break. I reached my hand through the hole that I made, and unlocked the door.
With my right arm I reached in and grabbed him and held him and with my left hand I opened the door. As the door opened, I felt him fall into my right arm. I lowered him to the floor. I opened the door and he was blocking it. I jumped up through the top because I could wedge it easier and landed over the sink.
I grabbed him and took the sheet off from his neck. He had small redish-purple marks but there were not any depressions or leisons. His head was fall over like a bobble-head, so I cradled it with my left hand and held his head up straight. I grabbed him and held him and looked at him and kissed him. I screamed at him and screamed and screamed and held him. His roommate called the police.
We dragged him out and began to perform CPR.
My brother didn't make it. I am fairly certain he drank himself into a blackout and possibly took pills (but we have not got the toxicology report). I do not think he would have done this had he not blacked out. All of the bad things Jordan always found himself in were a result of blacking out. We always talked about the dangers of it.
He had done this a week prior but I was never made aware. He roommate and girlfriend had found him and slapped him and woke up but when he did it that time, it was for attention. It had tried to kill himself before in the past even as a teenager but it was always in a way that seemed like it was for attention. He told his roommate and friend not to tell me because he knew I would worry. If they had told me before, I would been there with the doors knocked down in five minutes.
But I do not think that would have saved him.
There was a Darkness calling his name. It was echoing inside. Inviting him, calling him, begging him. It resonated. He faught it as long as he could and as hard as he could but the Darkness finally took him from me. I was fighting so hard to protect him. I was fighting against the Darkness. I knew it existed and I was doing my best to destroy it but it is hard to destroy in other people. Only they can win the battle on their own.
Every five seconds I see my brother falling from the door into my arms. I see his feet under the door. I can feel them in my hands still. I can feel his body in my arms. I can still smell his cologne. It smelled good when he died in my arms. He look asleep, I thought he was only asleep. He was warm. I still feel his heat, and I feel his hair in my hand as I held his head.
Tell your brother or sister or mother or father or friend or enemy you love them, because you never know when they might not be there the next day.
There have been over 100 different people come through our house, crying, collapsing and dying inside. There are a lot of people here in this house, together, who normally, would have not been caught dead with each other.
I know if my brother were able to talk to me in my ear about what was going on, he would tell me to get them the fuck out of the house.
But you don't get a say in this one Jordan. Not this time man.
I am at peace because I told him I loved him everyday and I was ALWAYS there for him. He knew I was. He always told people to call me if they needed help with Jordan and they usually did.
I am at peace because I kicked that fucking door in and I pulled him down and I held him and I loved him and I tried to save his life. He didn't stay there all night. He didn't stay there for a day or two days. He stayed only long enough and I got there to be with him at the end of it all I can feel like even though I didn't protect him, I rescued him. He died in the arms of his brother and I truly think he would have wanted it that way.
I love you Jordan.
I have to tell this story and if you can handle it, please read it. This is part of my grieving process and bluelight is the first place I decided to come for support external to those who knew my brother.
It was Sunday morning at 3:15 am. I was asleep in my bed, laying with my girlfriend. My phone rang. I woke up and waited for it to stop. It rang again. I thought perhaps my brother was calling me for a ride home from work, or from a bar, or somewhere. I always took my brother where he needed to go. I told him to call me at 3 in the morning if he needed me and that he could call ten times in a row to wake me up and id be there. If I came grumpy, it was only because I was tired but I was glad to be there for him. I told him I loved him everyday and told him I would always help him with anything he needed.
I answered the phone. It was Katie, my brother's ex-girlfriend. It was 3:20 am.
"Hello?" I said.
"Trevor, I think Jordan is going to hurt himself."
"What? What do you mean."
"He said that he was going to do something and to know that it isn't my fault and that he loves me."
"Okay, let me call him and I will call you back."
I called him several times over the next ten minutes. When I didn't get an answer, I decided to go over there.
I arrived at his apartment complex, it was 3:40 am. I walked up to his door and knocked.
No answer.
I opened the door and walked in. I saw his bedroom door shut with the lights off, and his roommates door shut with the lights off. I picked up the phone and called Katie.
"I think he is asleep, the doors are shut and the lights are off," I said.
"Trevor, go in there and make sure."
"He does this all the time, he prolly passed out."
"Go in there and make sure."
"Okay."
I reached for the door. It was locked.
"It's locked."
"Use a credit card, it works all the time."
"Alright, I'll call you right back."
I walked in. It was dark and I saw a lump under the comforter on his bed. I walked over and threw it off the bed. He wasn't under it. I thought perhaps he had gone for a walk as he usually does and would call me for a ride.
"The door was locked though." These words echoed in my head. I looked around and saw the bathroom door. The light was on and a sheet was hanging over the top. The event was so surreal I didn't quite grasp what was going on. I walked over and looked under the door and saw socks. I reached under and grabbed them and I felt feet. I ran out and banged on his roommates door. I ran back to the bathroom and began punching and kicking around the handle so it would break. I reached my hand through the hole that I made, and unlocked the door.
With my right arm I reached in and grabbed him and held him and with my left hand I opened the door. As the door opened, I felt him fall into my right arm. I lowered him to the floor. I opened the door and he was blocking it. I jumped up through the top because I could wedge it easier and landed over the sink.
I grabbed him and took the sheet off from his neck. He had small redish-purple marks but there were not any depressions or leisons. His head was fall over like a bobble-head, so I cradled it with my left hand and held his head up straight. I grabbed him and held him and looked at him and kissed him. I screamed at him and screamed and screamed and held him. His roommate called the police.
We dragged him out and began to perform CPR.
My brother didn't make it. I am fairly certain he drank himself into a blackout and possibly took pills (but we have not got the toxicology report). I do not think he would have done this had he not blacked out. All of the bad things Jordan always found himself in were a result of blacking out. We always talked about the dangers of it.
He had done this a week prior but I was never made aware. He roommate and girlfriend had found him and slapped him and woke up but when he did it that time, it was for attention. It had tried to kill himself before in the past even as a teenager but it was always in a way that seemed like it was for attention. He told his roommate and friend not to tell me because he knew I would worry. If they had told me before, I would been there with the doors knocked down in five minutes.
But I do not think that would have saved him.
There was a Darkness calling his name. It was echoing inside. Inviting him, calling him, begging him. It resonated. He faught it as long as he could and as hard as he could but the Darkness finally took him from me. I was fighting so hard to protect him. I was fighting against the Darkness. I knew it existed and I was doing my best to destroy it but it is hard to destroy in other people. Only they can win the battle on their own.
Every five seconds I see my brother falling from the door into my arms. I see his feet under the door. I can feel them in my hands still. I can feel his body in my arms. I can still smell his cologne. It smelled good when he died in my arms. He look asleep, I thought he was only asleep. He was warm. I still feel his heat, and I feel his hair in my hand as I held his head.
Tell your brother or sister or mother or father or friend or enemy you love them, because you never know when they might not be there the next day.
There have been over 100 different people come through our house, crying, collapsing and dying inside. There are a lot of people here in this house, together, who normally, would have not been caught dead with each other.
I know if my brother were able to talk to me in my ear about what was going on, he would tell me to get them the fuck out of the house.
But you don't get a say in this one Jordan. Not this time man.
I am at peace because I told him I loved him everyday and I was ALWAYS there for him. He knew I was. He always told people to call me if they needed help with Jordan and they usually did.
I am at peace because I kicked that fucking door in and I pulled him down and I held him and I loved him and I tried to save his life. He didn't stay there all night. He didn't stay there for a day or two days. He stayed only long enough and I got there to be with him at the end of it all I can feel like even though I didn't protect him, I rescued him. He died in the arms of his brother and I truly think he would have wanted it that way.
I love you Jordan.
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soon the fog will clear and you will see the beauty in life again, so sorry for your loss.
