Mental Health I need somewhere to say it

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

I didn't know where to start with where to put this so I chose mental health. It concerns my mental health, my mental stability, my breaking point etc. I need somewhere to just say exactly how I feel about certain things, situations, rights/wrongs, the good the bad and the holy fkn shit did she just really put it like that stuff. It isn't completely focused on using per say but it does play a big part.Guys I'm at my breaking point..not even kidding. And when I said "say exactly how I really feel" I mean it's all coming from anger, frustration, guilt, shame etc. The things I want to say need to get out are going to sound extremely cold-hearted, cruel, mean, pure evil almost to those reading but I dealt with this shit storm for years and years with zero effort from anyone that should want to help or do this or watever. So please let me know how yall feel. Thanks

 

[Ismene2]

As long as its not Ted Bundy style evil we can cope with it engine.

 

[0.o_LaCuNa_o.0]

I am ready. Bring it on, I dare you!

 

[n3ophy7e]

@Engine_Of_Chaos we encourage you to post about your struggles, that is what the Recovery Support forums are here for after all We are here to support you and to listen. However maybe just have a read of the Mental Health forum posting guidelines, just to make sure you stick to the rules of posting. As this is one of the more sensitive subforums on Bluelight we have to remain mindful of how we say things sometimes. If you have any questions please inbox any of us moderators. Otherwise, go for it

 

[wallywogs]

Give er!

 

[gibberish-noise]

As long as its not Ted Bundy style evil we can cope with it engine.

And even if it is - some of the things my brain manufactures shock even me (I hesitate to share for fear of being sectioned or incarcerated). Whatever OP has to say, I am sure at least one of us has thought similarly at least once in our lives.

Have at it mate @Engine_Of_Chaos. You've piqued my curiosity now, don't leave us on such a cliffhanger...

 

[Ismene2]

Not so fast gibberish!! I couldnt face more yorkshire ripper masturbating in silk lined green v-neck leggings for the time being...

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

I was extremely pissed during the op. I am debating whether or not to say wat I was and still am feeling/dealing with. Due to guidelines and rules I'm not so sure I should go thru with it.

 

[dalpat077]

I was extremely pissed during the op. I am debating whether or not to say wat I was and still am feeling/dealing with. Due to guidelines and rules I'm not so sure I should go thru with it.

Nah. C’mon. With an OP like that: not fair. Get it out. You’ll feel better. Besides. With some of the posts around here of late I doubt there’s much that would trigger a cruel and uncaring response.

 

[Brewantedtoquit]

I didn't know where to start with where to put this so I chose mental health. It concerns my mental health, my mental stability, my breaking point etc. I need somewhere to just say exactly how I feel about certain things, situations, rights/wrongs, the good the bad and the holy fkn shit did she just really put it like that stuff. It isn't completely focused on using per say but it does play a big part.Guys I'm at my breaking point..not even kidding. And when I said "say exactly how I really feel" I mean it's all coming from anger, frustration, guilt, shame etc. The things I want to say need to get out are going to sound extremely cold-hearted, cruel, mean, pure evil almost to those reading but I dealt with this shit storm for years and years with zero effort from anyone that should want to help or do this or watever. So please let me know how yall feel. Thanks

The anger, frustration, guilt, and shame could all be the result of pain you are enduring that just needs to be told. Could it be the result of an addiction? A personal relationship? A bad experience? or trauma from the past? Regardless, there are people on this site that would probably understand some of what you are going through. It's ok Engine of Chaos - let it out.

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

Alright here goes..this pertains to several aspects/situations in my current life. #1 First off I am/have been a caretaker/caregiver to a relative since 2017. I do everything except literally going to the bathroom and back. Cooking, cleaning, dressing, bathing, grooming, finaces/bill paying, grocery shopping..everything. This job was literally dumped on me at the time. I was going thru my first attempt at recovery from then opiate addiction and was not working so I feel like my family used me as their way to not deal with it. Yes I have a heart and did volunteer to do it for 2 weeks at the time to help everyone make adjustments to the situation. But they all basically yo advantage of my generosity and here I am 6yrs later. To this day none of them fkn do anything at all to help me with this. My aunt hasn't seen or talked to this person since 2017 and she only lives about 25 mins away. She got fkn butt hurt over a fight with this person about stupid money. Basically some property was sold and at that time my aunt was involved and handled the money aspect. This person decided they wanted their money to do as they wish so a huge fight happened and my aunt washed her hands of it all. It's a sad fkn world wen money tears family apart. Anyways my mom is just as guilty. She stops by sometimes when it is necessary but doesn't go out of her way. Instead of letting me get a job do I can move out an support my son and her taking my place doing this..she would rather go find her a job at 60yrs old and let me continue spinning my fkn wheels in place and not bettering my own self all bc she doesn't want to deal with this anymore than my aunt does. I've never disrespected/backtalked/called out my mom on anything in my life. (Or anyone else for that matter. Not out of fear but that's just not me..I try to please everyone by being a 'yes person'). But wtf?? I feel used and taken advantage of all the time, especially with this situation. #2 I am burnout with doing this..beyond burnout. I have done alot of research on the subject and feel that I may have 'compassion fatigue'. Look it up. Here's why: I'm to the point where every little thing..the dumbest miniscule things just piss me off. (This will sound so cruel) Like when I walk in the door in the morning the first fkn thing I get asked is 'do uou have a cigarette'. I ALWAYS bring them a pack per day..never have failed. So why in the fkn fk do I get asked like magically one day I'm gona say no?!? I'm a smoker so I know wat it's like to want one but fk me that's so annoying. I do the same routine everyday wen I get here..coffee, breakfast, meds etc. I hate the sound they make wen they sip their coffee. I will give them their coffee and then do anything to make enough noise so that I don't hear that sound..it makes me just clench my jaws an roll my eyes as far as I can. See I told you..cruel and completely horrible. I've never ever neglected this person, mistreated them in any way physically or verbally. I show nothing but respect and kindness but inside I just want to fkn scream!! I dread every little thing I have to do while I'm here. I'm not lazy by no means..its just that I've spoiled this person so bad by waiting on them hand and foot that they will no longer do literally anything for themselves except walk to the bathroom and back. They are capable of doing minor things like using the microwave for small meals, getting their own coffee, making coffee, dressing self..they won't even brush their own hair!!! I'm like omg you can atleast do that!! Just things they do certain ways drives me crazy..looks they have, ways they act sounds they make. 'Compassion fatigue'.. that describes my feelings to a tee. And I have no idea how to change it. I want to hire an outside service to come do wat I do full time so I can move on and get a job but then the guilt of leaving them, feeling like I'm abandoning them or that it looks like I don't care or they will think I don't care stops me from making the arrangements. I have devoted years to doing this alone and it has cost me precious time with my only child. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel I'm on the verge of a mental collapse.

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

The anger, frustration, guilt, and shame could all be the result of pain you are enduring that just needs to be told. Could it be the result of an addiction? A personal relationship? A bad experience? or trauma from the past? Regardless, there are people on this site that would probably understand some of what you are going through. It's ok Engine of Chaos - let it out.

All of those things basically

 

[gibberish-noise]

I want to hire an outside service to come do wat I do full time so I can move on and get a job but then the guilt of leaving them, feeling like I'm abandoning them or that it looks like I don't care or they will think I don't care stops me from making the arrangements. I have devoted years to doing this alone and it has cost me precious time with my only child. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel I'm on the verge of a mental collapse.

You're not abandoning them by hiring an outside service - if anything, it's even better because it allows for you to have a better relationship with them. Let the people who do that shit for a living take up your unofficial responsibilities. Tell the person how you feel so they know you're not doing this because you don't care but rather because you do. Your sanity and relationship with your child will have the potential to improve as well. You've been giving of yourself for too long. Stopping or taking a rest so you can be a functional human again is not selfish.

I know it's easy to give advice and moralise. Your situation is a difficult one indeed and even the most mentally tough among us would struggle after years in it. I know I would.

As an aside - this is not what I would have thought of when you mentioned evil. Your response and frustration is rational and comes from a place of caring that has been taken advantage of and stepped on too many times.

 

[G_Chem]

Your not cruel, your not horrible, this is standard caregiver burnout and honestly your doing amazingly well given the circumstances. I was expecting to read something like you torturing the poor person, you becoming annoyed by every little thing they do is normal. Even people that sign up for this sort of thing face this eventually.

I notice how hesitant you were to post this, to disappoint absolute strangers.. You know yourself you’re a people pleaser, your family has walked on you because that’s what you’ve allowed. In the end you have control of your own life, you can pack up and leave any time you want. You may come up with a million excuses why you can’t, but you can..

-GC

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

You're not abandoning them by hiring an outside service - if anything, it's even better because it allows for you to have a better relationship with them. Let the people who do that shit for a living take up your unofficial responsibilities. Tell the person how you feel so they know you're not doing this because you don't care but rather because you do. Your sanity and relationship with your child will have the potential to improve as well. You've been giving of yourself for too long. Stopping or taking a rest so you can be a functional human again is not selfish.

I know it's easy to give advice and moralise. Your situation is a difficult one indeed and even the most mentally tough among us would struggle after years in it. I know I would.

As an aside - this is not what I would have thought of when you mentioned evil. Your response and frustration is rational and comes from a place of caring that has been taken advantage of and stepped on too many times.

I expected reactions of misunderstanding how I could feel like I do.. hating things they do, noises they make..how could I such things. It is a huge relief to have such support from anyone. We do not even know each other yet you just gave me more support and understanding than my own family. I believe I'm going to take the necessary steps to ensure their care with an outside service. I know there is nothing I can say to make them understand why I'm doing this due to when I even mention doing this in front of them they automatically start asking 'what about me..I'll be all alone..'. I feel as if they are somewhat selfish bc they have told Mr to put them even before my son's needs/wants.

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

Your not cruel, your not horrible, this is standard caregiver burnout and honestly your doing amazingly well given the circumstances. I was expecting to read something like you torturing the poor person, you becoming annoyed by every little thing they do is normal. Even people that sign up for this sort of thing face this eventually.

I notice how hesitant you were to post this, to disappoint absolute strangers.. You know yourself you’re a people pleaser, your family has walked on you because that’s what you’ve allowed. In the end you have control of your own life, you can pack up and leave any time you want. You may come up with a million excuses why you can’t, but you can..

-GC

I was relieved to have found that others have reached the same point when searching about it. I know my family takes advantage of my kindness and agreeable nature. I want so badly to speak up and tell them how I feel but fear of rejection or causing them distress is a barrier. I strive for everyone to think..wow she's a great person that it causes me misery and usually running and doing gor everyone but me. I said in another post that my drug use is my one thing I have for myself..its my reward in a sense. Though it causes many personal issues along with financial problems.

 

[G_Chem]

I expected reactions of misunderstanding how I could feel like I do.. hating things they do, noises they make..how could I such things. It is a huge relief to have such support from anyone. We do not even know each other yet you just gave me more support and understanding than my own family. I believe I'm going to take the necessary steps to ensure their care with an outside service. I know there is nothing I can say to make them understand why I'm doing this due to when I even mention doing this in front of them they automatically start asking 'what about me..I'll be all alone..'. I feel as if they are somewhat selfish bc they have told Mr to put them even before my son's needs/wants.

It’s going to hurt and go against everything you know, but the breath of relief you’ll feel when you finally have your life back will be a moment you remember for the rest of your life.

I know about caregiver burnout well as my wife is a doctor, and I myself have needed care in the past during chemo. While I was on the side of “caregivee” I still saw firsthand how that can wear on a person.

You’ve given this person 6yrs, they do sound selfish in ways. Why are they incapable of doing all this for themselves yet still want to smoke a pack a day? That alone sounds selfish as fuck to me.

You’ll definitely find the support you need here again your an Angel compared to some of the depravity we see walking through here.

-GC

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

It’s going to hurt and go against everything you know, but the breath of relief you’ll feel when you finally have your life back will be a moment you remember for the rest of your life.

I know about caregiver burnout well as my wife is a doctor, and I myself have needed care in the past during chemo. While I was on the side of “caregivee” I still saw firsthand how that can wear on a person.

You’ve given this person 6yrs, they do sound selfish in ways. Why are they incapable of doing all this for themselves yet still want to smoke a pack a day? That alone sounds selfish as fuck to me.

You’ll definitely find the support you need here again your an Angel compared to some of the depravity we see walking through here.

-GC

There are no words..but thank you soo much. I feel better about the situation and knowing I'm not an evil careless person for feeling the way I do.