Kindatired
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2010
- Messages
- 41
I haven't posting on the Dark Side before so I am not sure what kind of reaction I am going to get from this but here it goes... this is going to be long as it's pretty much my entire life's story. I won't blame you if you don't want to read the whole thing. This might be one of the longest posts in the history of The Dark Side. Ok, here we go.......
About three years ago I was living with my girlfriend of 10 years. Pretty much for that whole ten years she was supporting me because I was a little too messed up to get a job, not from drugs but from...I guess it was just depression caused by self-hatred.
I had a very emotional abusive father when I was growing up and my mom was always depressed, probably from having to live with a man like that. She stayed with him because she thought it was the best thing for my sister and I at the time. When I was 13 she told him to leave, I remember the day because it was my first day in high school. After that we always had massive money problems, she feed us for a month by using her gas credit card to buy sandwiches from the gas station. My dad was still paying for the mortgage on the house but that was it. He didn't give my mom any extra money for us to live. We finally sold the house we were living in and my dad said that if he got $10000 from the sale my mom could have the rest of the money as long as he didn't have to pay child support. After that I never heard from him. I think after the mortgage was paid off my mom was left with $30000 dollars or so. We rented a nice house on the beach and my mom bought us a whole bunch of stuff, I think she was trying to make up for the sorta hell we had lived in for awhile. Long story short the money ran out. During that time I was in high school and I had long hair (I just liked it better than short hair at the time) and I was a a chubby kid, so as you can imagine I got picked on a lot.
After two years of being tormented I dropped out of high school and decided I would just teach myself from home through correspondence. I guess the depression of all of it was too much for me and I started to do less and less work and spend more time just listening to music. I had a girlfriend at the time but looking back on it now all I did was keep "testing" her to see if she actually loved me. One day I was really messed up and was drinking and she called me and started going on how she was worried about me. I told her that she didn't have to worry because I was going to kill myself that night, what I didn't know is that her mom was listening on the other phone and called the cops. I had an old 30-30 rifle that my dad gave me when I was a kid; I had no bullets for the thing and the firing hammer didn't even work so if I did manage to shoot the thing it probably backfired and blown my face off. Of course when the cops asked her mom if I had any "weapons" she told them that I had a gun. So as I was sitting in my living room listening to music and just trying to forget about me I saw 5 police cars come up my drive way, surround my house with their guns drawn. Then I got a call telling me to come out with my hands up or they would come in and "neutralize me" and if they had to come in I might be killed. Creepy words for a 16 year old to hear.
So I did as they said and they took me to the hospital to be "analyzed". In the end they determined that I wasn't a threat to myself and let me go home.
Fast forward a few years I was not going to school and hanging out with a few friends and did nothing but drink, smoke weed, get high on LSD or Shrooms, and partied since it was the only thing that helped me forget about myself.
When I was 19 I was on IRC and someone messaged me. It was a girl that lived in the same small town as me. You could set up IRC to notify you if anyone from a certain ISP logged on, and since there was only one internet provider in out town (good old dial up, 56k YEAH!). We talked for a bit and ended up meeting. I have to admit that I didn't really find her that attractive but I was lonely after having broken up with a girl I really liked not to long ago (long distance relationship, we only saw each other every other weekend) and I guess he started to grow on me. I got a job working as a waiter at a cafe in our town and was making good money. After a year there the cafe closed its doors because they were pretty much bankrupt and my girlfriend was planning on moving to the city that was about an hour away from our town. She asked me if I wanted to move out there with her and since I had nothing left going for me I said sure.
I spent about 4 months sitting on my ass; I think I was a little overwhelmed with living in a big city, well to be honest I was pretty scared. I did manage to get a job working in a restaurant as a cook. I spent a year there being pretty much abused by the the other cooks, I mean they would actually throw hot pans at me, and I was working 14 hour shifts 6 days a week (no overtime either). Well once again the restaurant went broke and I was laid off. I told myself that I would take a month to rest after all that I had been through but inside I pretty much had a nervous break down. One month became a year, then it became 8 years. My girlfriend was supporting me completely. She had a good job that paid REALLY well, but before she got that job we were living off the credit cards pretty much and the little money she made from her job at the time. She got in a huge debt because of that.
All that time I was sitting on my butt playing computer games, then I started learning a few programming languages because I was bored and was creating little programs here and there. I was only doing that to try and forget how horrible I felt on the inside. I had all this self-hate, guilt, and just an all around feeling of being a mistake by the universe. One day she told me that I either get some help for this or I was out. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me some anti-depressants (Effexor). By that time I was pretty fat from sitting on my ass doing nothing and eating crap food. Anyway, all of a sudden I had this massive amount of energy from taking these pills. I started walking everyday for 2 hours straight, I barely ate anything because my appetite was gone. So I was walking and starving myself. In three months I went from 230 pounds to 145. I looked good and I felt good....to good. I got myself back in school to finished my high school diploma and was getting A's and A+'s in all my classed. That was the time my girlfriend told me it was time to get a job.
After a month of searching I finally got a job working at a purified water store. It was a good job, my boss was an ex-Israeli intelligent officer. He was one paranoid guy. My boss drove me nuts but I liked the job but it ended up taking so much of my time that I had to stop going to school so I never managed to finish my high school diploma so my dreams of getting into college was over. Something happened in the first week I was working there, there was a water crisis in the city. A ton of rainfall has pushed a ton of dirt into the water supply so the water that came out of the tap was dark brown. People started to panic and people were buying water off the shelves everywhere and when that ran out they came to our store, we purified the water on site so we never ran out but that didn't stop the mob mentality. As I was carrying out two 5 gallon jugs for a woman to her car someone tripped me and I fell, I tried to keep the water jugs from hitting the ground so I pulled them up hard and some how managed to fracture my T7 vertebra in my back. Not to mention that the guy who tripped me came up to me when I was on the ground and curb stomped me right in the back causing another fracture and some nerve damage.
I went to my doctor and he got some X-Rays that confirmed the fracture. The pain was very intense so he prescribed me some percocet to help with the pain. With the pills I managed to keep my job despite the pain. Fast forward about 4 months and I was loading the shelves with those big 5 gallon bottles and I must have lifted one of them in the wrong way and I messed up my back again. I tore a muscle in my back and caused some other kind of tissue damage. At this point between the pain from the first injury with the fracture that didn't heal correctly and the nerve damage the pain was just too much for me to keep working. So I went on works comp for about 6 months but because the pain was too much for me to do the required physiotherapy they kicked me off. So once again my girlfriend was supporting me. I started seeing a shrink at the time and he said that because of the antidepressants I was taking it had pushed me into a hypomanic state. It turned out I was bipolar and the SNRI has pushed me into the manic state.
About 6 months later our relationship had pretty much died. We were barely friends at that point. One day I was messing around on facebook and I messaged someone I thought was interesting, I really needed a friend at that point. Her and I hit it off really fast and within a week of talking she flew to the other side of the country to meet me. After hanging out for 3 days she decided that she was going to move to my city so she could be with me and take care of me because she thought that if I felt stable I would be able to put my life back together. I decided to end things with my current girlfriend because the relationship was dead. It broke my heart to leave this woman that took care of me for so long and I did still love her just not in a romantic was. So I ended it. When this other woman got here we found a place and moved in together. After the two injuries and the depression that followed I was all messed up, I told this new woman that I was a broke man and it could take years for me to work though this mess in my head. She said that she didn't care and she would stand by me no matter what until the end, she loved me that much.
Six months later she was forced to move back to her city on the other side of the county and she asked me if I wanted to come. I decided to go since I was in love. We got here and the entire province in a bilingual so you need to speak french and english to get just about any job...and I didn't speak a word of French. I looked for a job as the little money we had was running out fast. In the end we were living out of the car.
We finally for on social assistance and had just enough money for pay the rent of our new place. I started to look for a new job but with a back that was pretty much shattered and not being able to speak French I was rejected by everyone I applied too. I got so depressed over it that I sunk into that pit of self-hated. For two years I looked on and off but in my mind I knew I wasn't going to find anything. Well this woman finally said that she had had enough of me as I was obviously worthless and pathetic. She gave me a month to get out of her apartment and her life. Ironically four days later I found a job as a chef as it was the one thing I was extremely skilled at. I was a born chef. Now that I have a job and can help support her and her kids, I can help my family that I love so much but she doesn't want anything to do with me. She just wants me out of her life because of all the broken promises.
So even with a busted back and horrible chronic pain that my pain killers only take a percentage away I worked my ass off for 14 hour shifts once again, the only difference was that everyone at my new job is so amazing and nice. I finally have the ability to start repairing the damage I have done but as far as she is concerned I am still a pathetic, worthless, piece of trash. She spent all day calling me a loser, pathetic and telling me she gives it 3 months before I get fired for being a retard.
After hearing these things from the woman I love I am starting to doubt that I will actually be able to change who I am. I feel like I will never be able to out run this dark cloud that has haunted me since I was a teenager. When I walked out of the first day of my new job I was bruised, burnt, and had a good few cuts on my hands (my knife skills are a little rusty) but for the first time in my life I felt like I was somebody, someone that could really change his life around. Until I got home and she laid into me and spent hours telling me how worthless I am and how not even god had the power to fix someone as evil as I am.
So thats why I posted this. I need to know if it is possible for someone that has spent there entire life failing because I believe that is all I can do and turn into a strong independent man. All I hear from the woman I love is that it's impossible for someone as evil as me to change. She said that is Satan really does exists then I was place on this earth by him to do nothing but destroy peoples lives.
I just want to believe that one single day, one day working a job I loved so much, could be the breaking point where I just snap out of this self-hatred and starting living a life that I sorta believe I deserve.
About three years ago I was living with my girlfriend of 10 years. Pretty much for that whole ten years she was supporting me because I was a little too messed up to get a job, not from drugs but from...I guess it was just depression caused by self-hatred.
I had a very emotional abusive father when I was growing up and my mom was always depressed, probably from having to live with a man like that. She stayed with him because she thought it was the best thing for my sister and I at the time. When I was 13 she told him to leave, I remember the day because it was my first day in high school. After that we always had massive money problems, she feed us for a month by using her gas credit card to buy sandwiches from the gas station. My dad was still paying for the mortgage on the house but that was it. He didn't give my mom any extra money for us to live. We finally sold the house we were living in and my dad said that if he got $10000 from the sale my mom could have the rest of the money as long as he didn't have to pay child support. After that I never heard from him. I think after the mortgage was paid off my mom was left with $30000 dollars or so. We rented a nice house on the beach and my mom bought us a whole bunch of stuff, I think she was trying to make up for the sorta hell we had lived in for awhile. Long story short the money ran out. During that time I was in high school and I had long hair (I just liked it better than short hair at the time) and I was a a chubby kid, so as you can imagine I got picked on a lot.
After two years of being tormented I dropped out of high school and decided I would just teach myself from home through correspondence. I guess the depression of all of it was too much for me and I started to do less and less work and spend more time just listening to music. I had a girlfriend at the time but looking back on it now all I did was keep "testing" her to see if she actually loved me. One day I was really messed up and was drinking and she called me and started going on how she was worried about me. I told her that she didn't have to worry because I was going to kill myself that night, what I didn't know is that her mom was listening on the other phone and called the cops. I had an old 30-30 rifle that my dad gave me when I was a kid; I had no bullets for the thing and the firing hammer didn't even work so if I did manage to shoot the thing it probably backfired and blown my face off. Of course when the cops asked her mom if I had any "weapons" she told them that I had a gun. So as I was sitting in my living room listening to music and just trying to forget about me I saw 5 police cars come up my drive way, surround my house with their guns drawn. Then I got a call telling me to come out with my hands up or they would come in and "neutralize me" and if they had to come in I might be killed. Creepy words for a 16 year old to hear.
So I did as they said and they took me to the hospital to be "analyzed". In the end they determined that I wasn't a threat to myself and let me go home.
Fast forward a few years I was not going to school and hanging out with a few friends and did nothing but drink, smoke weed, get high on LSD or Shrooms, and partied since it was the only thing that helped me forget about myself.
When I was 19 I was on IRC and someone messaged me. It was a girl that lived in the same small town as me. You could set up IRC to notify you if anyone from a certain ISP logged on, and since there was only one internet provider in out town (good old dial up, 56k YEAH!). We talked for a bit and ended up meeting. I have to admit that I didn't really find her that attractive but I was lonely after having broken up with a girl I really liked not to long ago (long distance relationship, we only saw each other every other weekend) and I guess he started to grow on me. I got a job working as a waiter at a cafe in our town and was making good money. After a year there the cafe closed its doors because they were pretty much bankrupt and my girlfriend was planning on moving to the city that was about an hour away from our town. She asked me if I wanted to move out there with her and since I had nothing left going for me I said sure.
I spent about 4 months sitting on my ass; I think I was a little overwhelmed with living in a big city, well to be honest I was pretty scared. I did manage to get a job working in a restaurant as a cook. I spent a year there being pretty much abused by the the other cooks, I mean they would actually throw hot pans at me, and I was working 14 hour shifts 6 days a week (no overtime either). Well once again the restaurant went broke and I was laid off. I told myself that I would take a month to rest after all that I had been through but inside I pretty much had a nervous break down. One month became a year, then it became 8 years. My girlfriend was supporting me completely. She had a good job that paid REALLY well, but before she got that job we were living off the credit cards pretty much and the little money she made from her job at the time. She got in a huge debt because of that.
All that time I was sitting on my butt playing computer games, then I started learning a few programming languages because I was bored and was creating little programs here and there. I was only doing that to try and forget how horrible I felt on the inside. I had all this self-hate, guilt, and just an all around feeling of being a mistake by the universe. One day she told me that I either get some help for this or I was out. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me some anti-depressants (Effexor). By that time I was pretty fat from sitting on my ass doing nothing and eating crap food. Anyway, all of a sudden I had this massive amount of energy from taking these pills. I started walking everyday for 2 hours straight, I barely ate anything because my appetite was gone. So I was walking and starving myself. In three months I went from 230 pounds to 145. I looked good and I felt good....to good. I got myself back in school to finished my high school diploma and was getting A's and A+'s in all my classed. That was the time my girlfriend told me it was time to get a job.
After a month of searching I finally got a job working at a purified water store. It was a good job, my boss was an ex-Israeli intelligent officer. He was one paranoid guy. My boss drove me nuts but I liked the job but it ended up taking so much of my time that I had to stop going to school so I never managed to finish my high school diploma so my dreams of getting into college was over. Something happened in the first week I was working there, there was a water crisis in the city. A ton of rainfall has pushed a ton of dirt into the water supply so the water that came out of the tap was dark brown. People started to panic and people were buying water off the shelves everywhere and when that ran out they came to our store, we purified the water on site so we never ran out but that didn't stop the mob mentality. As I was carrying out two 5 gallon jugs for a woman to her car someone tripped me and I fell, I tried to keep the water jugs from hitting the ground so I pulled them up hard and some how managed to fracture my T7 vertebra in my back. Not to mention that the guy who tripped me came up to me when I was on the ground and curb stomped me right in the back causing another fracture and some nerve damage.
I went to my doctor and he got some X-Rays that confirmed the fracture. The pain was very intense so he prescribed me some percocet to help with the pain. With the pills I managed to keep my job despite the pain. Fast forward about 4 months and I was loading the shelves with those big 5 gallon bottles and I must have lifted one of them in the wrong way and I messed up my back again. I tore a muscle in my back and caused some other kind of tissue damage. At this point between the pain from the first injury with the fracture that didn't heal correctly and the nerve damage the pain was just too much for me to keep working. So I went on works comp for about 6 months but because the pain was too much for me to do the required physiotherapy they kicked me off. So once again my girlfriend was supporting me. I started seeing a shrink at the time and he said that because of the antidepressants I was taking it had pushed me into a hypomanic state. It turned out I was bipolar and the SNRI has pushed me into the manic state.
About 6 months later our relationship had pretty much died. We were barely friends at that point. One day I was messing around on facebook and I messaged someone I thought was interesting, I really needed a friend at that point. Her and I hit it off really fast and within a week of talking she flew to the other side of the country to meet me. After hanging out for 3 days she decided that she was going to move to my city so she could be with me and take care of me because she thought that if I felt stable I would be able to put my life back together. I decided to end things with my current girlfriend because the relationship was dead. It broke my heart to leave this woman that took care of me for so long and I did still love her just not in a romantic was. So I ended it. When this other woman got here we found a place and moved in together. After the two injuries and the depression that followed I was all messed up, I told this new woman that I was a broke man and it could take years for me to work though this mess in my head. She said that she didn't care and she would stand by me no matter what until the end, she loved me that much.
Six months later she was forced to move back to her city on the other side of the county and she asked me if I wanted to come. I decided to go since I was in love. We got here and the entire province in a bilingual so you need to speak french and english to get just about any job...and I didn't speak a word of French. I looked for a job as the little money we had was running out fast. In the end we were living out of the car.
We finally for on social assistance and had just enough money for pay the rent of our new place. I started to look for a new job but with a back that was pretty much shattered and not being able to speak French I was rejected by everyone I applied too. I got so depressed over it that I sunk into that pit of self-hated. For two years I looked on and off but in my mind I knew I wasn't going to find anything. Well this woman finally said that she had had enough of me as I was obviously worthless and pathetic. She gave me a month to get out of her apartment and her life. Ironically four days later I found a job as a chef as it was the one thing I was extremely skilled at. I was a born chef. Now that I have a job and can help support her and her kids, I can help my family that I love so much but she doesn't want anything to do with me. She just wants me out of her life because of all the broken promises.
So even with a busted back and horrible chronic pain that my pain killers only take a percentage away I worked my ass off for 14 hour shifts once again, the only difference was that everyone at my new job is so amazing and nice. I finally have the ability to start repairing the damage I have done but as far as she is concerned I am still a pathetic, worthless, piece of trash. She spent all day calling me a loser, pathetic and telling me she gives it 3 months before I get fired for being a retard.
After hearing these things from the woman I love I am starting to doubt that I will actually be able to change who I am. I feel like I will never be able to out run this dark cloud that has haunted me since I was a teenager. When I walked out of the first day of my new job I was bruised, burnt, and had a good few cuts on my hands (my knife skills are a little rusty) but for the first time in my life I felt like I was somebody, someone that could really change his life around. Until I got home and she laid into me and spent hours telling me how worthless I am and how not even god had the power to fix someone as evil as I am.
So thats why I posted this. I need to know if it is possible for someone that has spent there entire life failing because I believe that is all I can do and turn into a strong independent man. All I hear from the woman I love is that it's impossible for someone as evil as me to change. She said that is Satan really does exists then I was place on this earth by him to do nothing but destroy peoples lives.
I just want to believe that one single day, one day working a job I loved so much, could be the breaking point where I just snap out of this self-hatred and starting living a life that I sorta believe I deserve.
I can't believe someone tripped you, that is horrible. I am so sorry that you'll be in pain because of that. 