I've had ups and downs (way downs) using. I started as an alcoholic in college and progressed to drugs after that. All kinds-whatever I could get. I had eight months clean time not long ago then got back into PM which I feel like I need but I can't manage on my own. Next week I'm moving back with my family across the country. I haven't seen them since rehab years ago. My mother is getting over cancer and I don't think I can handle being there but will hate myself if I'm not there for her. Today is midway through my first week without drugs in a long time and withdrawals are hell but I'm getting through it on my own. My husband is in prison and I haven't seen him in almost two years because when he was busted I was left for dead in Mexico. I've come a long way with help from total strangers but am anxious about being around family again. I also worry that I won't be able to see my husband once I go back to my family because they blame him for my bad decisions despite me taking responsibility for my own choices. My PM doctors have been more than kind to me considering my history and can help me a couple months after I move. Part of me thinks I can manage with the accountability around me again and part of me thinks I won't be able to handle the circumstances I'm getting into and will resort to abusing my meds. When I go down hill it's fast and intentionally suicidal at times. When I leave the state I lose my insurance. I'm glad I won't be super sick by the time I leave but I will be far from functional for a couple weeks as I generally am when I quit. I just don't know if I want to continue with PM or suffer/power through chronic pain. I worry that if I manage and things start to look up that I will be forced to choose between my family in the US or my husband in Mexico when he gets out. I just needed to share my current state and ask for encouraging words to get me through from people who have been there. I have one friend I text daily that I'd be lost without because she understands addiction from her own life. I know no one can decide these difficult things for me and I need to take it a day at a time. Right now every minute is a struggle. Thanks in advance for any responses!
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I need extra support these days
- Thread starter Raysu
- Start date
Hope you don't mind a reply? I know going through withdrawals is very difficult especially when alone and also in PM. Might be a tough time to make decisions. Maybe you can give it a few more days? They say not to make any major decisions within the first few months and looks like you have to make some in the first few days. Remember right now your body and mind are off kilter for a little bit and everything always seems and feels worse then you get hit with being sober, alert and alive again. It's all very overwhelming!
I'm kinda in the same boat with the withdrawal and some decisions to make. All I'd like to do is sleep a little but might not happen tonight.
Do you think you could be ok with the pain and not use opiates? Also is your intention to get clean?
I don't mean to intrude just wondering. Ha, I'm not much of a help at the moment but I know it feels good to know someone is going through a similar thing or at least is out there listening. It's rolling around 3am by me and my beautiful wife is asleep. She knows about my addiction but the last 2/3 weeks have been a battle. Of course I feel like hell both physically and mentally. Hoping the physical get worse!
Glad the doctors have been good to you. Pain is hard to deal with. It's odd bc when I was younger I had prescriptions for pain meds but never had a problem with them. That changed one day, I actually remember the day. It's maybe the only thing I would change in my life was that one day.
I truly hope you can find what you're looking for and start to feel better. It's not easy and I'm sorry you're alone. Maybe seeing and being with your family would help? Also a tough thing. Family can be both good and bad unfortunately. Do you have any friends close by you could talk to?
Sorry for the million questions
I'm kinda in the same boat with the withdrawal and some decisions to make. All I'd like to do is sleep a little but might not happen tonight.
Do you think you could be ok with the pain and not use opiates? Also is your intention to get clean?
I don't mean to intrude just wondering. Ha, I'm not much of a help at the moment but I know it feels good to know someone is going through a similar thing or at least is out there listening. It's rolling around 3am by me and my beautiful wife is asleep. She knows about my addiction but the last 2/3 weeks have been a battle. Of course I feel like hell both physically and mentally. Hoping the physical get worse!
Glad the doctors have been good to you. Pain is hard to deal with. It's odd bc when I was younger I had prescriptions for pain meds but never had a problem with them. That changed one day, I actually remember the day. It's maybe the only thing I would change in my life was that one day.
I truly hope you can find what you're looking for and start to feel better. It's not easy and I'm sorry you're alone. Maybe seeing and being with your family would help? Also a tough thing. Family can be both good and bad unfortunately. Do you have any friends close by you could talk to?
Sorry for the million questions
Haha I'm actually glad I got such a fast reply and you are so right about being easy on myself these first couple weeks especially. I have lived without PM before but when I first got back with them my quality of life improved but as the drugs improved my behavior got worse. Sometimes I think I'm better without meds and then I have bad days where I just need normal relief. My problem is I've been alone so my use went from normal to way bad in a matter of weeks. Now I'm on my DOC so it's that much harder. Especially when I've got a script in my purse for 120 more of them. I've thought about letting my family give me my doses so they have control but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I get around that and find a way to get to them or misuse them. It's a confusing state of mind to not want to stop using but knowing myself well enough to know I have issues using. I will admit though that wds are horrible and I hate the thought of going through it again a couple months from now when my refills end and I have no insurance. I keep telling myself it's easier this way to detox before cross country travel and not be noticeably a wreck when I see my family again though I think they have an idea and it's what's prompting my big brother to finally find a way to get me home. I remember a lot of first days too. My first time drinking, drunk, high. It's odd that I was on prescriptions in my alcoholic days but never abused them. Didn't do much except fall asleep on them. But the day I got high was good and bad. It saves me from using alcohol as much but the times I did I was a mess. No friends close by and none where I'm headed. Just my dog really but she's my best friend these days. She saved me. My friends are scattered around the country but most don't have a history like me and the ones that do are still in deep. So what kinds of decisions are you facing? Thanks for asking a lot. To me that shows you care and that feels awesome. We will get through this damned insomnia!!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Hey Raysu, that sounds like a lot to deal with at the same time. I'm glad you have your doggie by your side.
I live with chronic pain as well. I don't take medicine other than over-the-counter pain relievers and even those rarely. I try to do everything I can to stay healthy and minimize the pain (everything from acupuncture to swimming, stretching, diet, meditating, etc). TBH I have more fear of painkillers than I do of the pain.
One thing that could really help you on all fronts from the inevitable stress of family to dealing with your mother's severe illness to thoughts about the future to your own struggles with substances would be to continually act as your own caregiver. A person caring for another person pays attention to subtle cues and has strategies for minimizing the effects of stress even in the most stressful situations. A person caring for another probably makes plans with those strategies before being in the thick of a crisis. A lot of us find it easy to care for someone else in that way but so hard to care for ourselves.
Remember that you are in charge of your life. Your family probably finds it easier to blame your husband but that doesn't mean you have to go along with them. (BTW, kudos for accepting responsibility for your own choices and actions). Are you able to stay in contact with your husband through letters? Is he a foreigner in a Mexican jail or a Mexican national? I know that can make a difference in getting mail or not, ridiculous as that may be.
From all that you have gone through, it is obvious that you have more strength than you may even realize. The best thing you can do moving forward into all these unknowns (and even more into the known stress-inducing situations) is to concentrate on your own strength and not undermine yourself with doubt and fear. I hope that you can keep using this thread to get help and support through next week and beyond--those are big changes.
I live with chronic pain as well. I don't take medicine other than over-the-counter pain relievers and even those rarely. I try to do everything I can to stay healthy and minimize the pain (everything from acupuncture to swimming, stretching, diet, meditating, etc). TBH I have more fear of painkillers than I do of the pain.
One thing that could really help you on all fronts from the inevitable stress of family to dealing with your mother's severe illness to thoughts about the future to your own struggles with substances would be to continually act as your own caregiver. A person caring for another person pays attention to subtle cues and has strategies for minimizing the effects of stress even in the most stressful situations. A person caring for another probably makes plans with those strategies before being in the thick of a crisis. A lot of us find it easy to care for someone else in that way but so hard to care for ourselves.
Remember that you are in charge of your life. Your family probably finds it easier to blame your husband but that doesn't mean you have to go along with them. (BTW, kudos for accepting responsibility for your own choices and actions). Are you able to stay in contact with your husband through letters? Is he a foreigner in a Mexican jail or a Mexican national? I know that can make a difference in getting mail or not, ridiculous as that may be.
From all that you have gone through, it is obvious that you have more strength than you may even realize. The best thing you can do moving forward into all these unknowns (and even more into the known stress-inducing situations) is to concentrate on your own strength and not undermine yourself with doubt and fear. I hope that you can keep using this thread to get help and support through next week and beyond--those are big changes.
Thanks DixiChik! That's sweet of you! I had a good talk with my mom last night and she had a great doctors report so that's optimistic at least. I know it's still gonna be rough for a while but it'll be as its meant to be. My out of state friend is making plans to visit me after the move back east too so I have that to look forward to as well.
Thanks also herbavore! Yikes I almost missed your awesome post on my phone! Very encouraging words there and they most def help. Today is a little better also which helps. Genius that I was stopped my meds before my facet block spinal injections but today I was able to get out finally.
To answer your question my husband is from Mexico and at the time his card was to expire we were just getting a house and it was less to renew than get citizenship. Now he lost his papers from anywhere between a year up to life but won't know until his release. He calls every few days and writes every week I'd say an while it's difficult to be away and tears me up with his nice letters it's still nice to be loved so much after all I've done wrong in the past. Thanks again for the support and kindness!
To answer your question my husband is from Mexico and at the time his card was to expire we were just getting a house and it was less to renew than get citizenship. Now he lost his papers from anywhere between a year up to life but won't know until his release. He calls every few days and writes every week I'd say an while it's difficult to be away and tears me up with his nice letters it's still nice to be loved so much after all I've done wrong in the past. Thanks again for the support and kindness!