DeepBlue23
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2015
- Messages
- 1
This is my life. I separated with my lover half a year ago. I was unhappy for a long time, experienced her as too controlling and not giving herself to me in the passionate and open way that I have known is possible from past relationships. Too much criticism, which also happened in our sex life. I am a good lover, I have felt this with most of my past lovers. She’s beautiful – lithe, delicate and magical, like an elf queen. She can be cold, holding back her emotion (she’s protecting herself). For me there was a way we were too similar – both introverted, holding space for other people, and some blocks to letting raw emotion flow. I’ve known her for a long time; we live together in a spiritual community with a handful of others. Through the unhappiness, her friend came into the picture – vibrant, passionate, extroverted. Taking up a lot of space, expressing a lot of raw emotion. Gorgeous, tan, voluptuous. Her friend moved in to our community (my ex made the call) as she’d been going through a divorce. I started to develop feelings for her friend. I ended the relationship with my ex. It came out that I had feelings for her friend. She flipped out. Her friend has been by her side since then, supportive. Don’t know how the friend really feels about me – my ex has been the priority for both of us. I’ve prioritized my friendship with her, and desire to create a supportive home environment. Considering moving out, but I feel invested in the spiritual community we are all part of, and the potential for growth. Still love my ex, and feel the potential to give it another shot – but am so drawn to her friend. Feel like I won't be able to commit unless I experience some sort of resolution there, internally or externally. Being with both of them seems unrealistic (at least), fraught with peril (at most). My heart is divided – maybe just not ready for commitment? I’ve seen this pattern play out in my life before. How do we really know what love is? How do I walk away from someone amazing who wants to be with me, without closing my heart?
