I just want to have a whinge

[Beat Narrative]

I apologise about the slef induglent nature of this post, but i need to think in a communicative way and this seems my appropriate outlet, i also apologise for grammar and spelling

Today i have been the ultimate coward, i have ended an 8 year realationship through my inability to confront my own substance abuse issues.

I can not fathom how i am going to be able to function on a day to day basis without drugs.

To a person on the outside i probably seem relatively functional, i have a good job, am responsible financially and show respect to my colleagues and fellow human beings (i.e, i dont get noticeably wasted)

However this is all being masked by drug use, my partner is the only person who realises that i am never sober (opiates,benzos, weed or grog) and she has given me the ultimatum.

My fear of ending an 8 year relationship is massive but the fear of the anxiety i will encountr functionining in daily life is greater, i am a selfish prick and i hate myself at the moment

If it wasn't for my Father (he has been through enough, losing his wife, my mum to alcoholism) i would not think twice about suicide right now

I am only happy when i am high and i can not see productive future ahead of me

I apologise about how inartculate this is but i am half drunk and incredibly depressed

 

[Beat Narrative]

i will be alright
just gotta remember the most important thing
and thats that i stay alive for my dads sake
people go through my shit all the time, its no big deal
i am thinking i need to break down the ego
lsd does that for me
but i think there are other ways
hinduism is amazing
i need to learn my role
and how insignificant it is
and use that as a basis for worth
i might go to india and live in an ashram
learn about the body and mind
the brain is amazing
the indians are good at that shit
i am thinking out loud
so please feel free to ignore
but once i can give my being to a greater worth, not a god as such but my role as an organic being i think i will find happiness
how the fuck do i get there
right now my emotion seems paramount and thats self indulgence, opiates validate that need for self contedness, i need to remove myself from indivdual worth
thats why having familys are good and intrinsic to our survival as a race
basically i need to get over myself

 

[panic in paradise]

" basically i need to get over myself "

over&into