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I have no idea what direction to go and lack motivation completely

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Sweetbeefaerie

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2014
Messages
36
Location
USA
I am 24 years old, quickly coming up on 25 in a few months here. I live with my boyfriend and our roommate. Boyfriend has an alright job, and I am on disability for bipolar disorder and I do a bit of transcription work so I can have enough money to eat. I have been in a bit of a depression because I am feeling overwhelmed with life and not knowing what direction to take myself in. I'm a dabbler-I dabble in this hobby or that hobby but never become actually good at any of them. I don't feel good enough or qualified enough to try and make money with any of my hobbies. The times I have attempted to get a "normal job" I have become crippled beneath the pressure of expectations and work load and have had a mental breakdown. It's humiliating when someone asks me what I do for a living, and I don't know what to say. I can't say "oh, I can't handle work like normal people do so I am on disability and I type stuff for a few hours a day in order to continue feeding myself."

I have attempted and failed over and over again to start some sort of personal brand on the internet, making youtube videos giving advice for holistic things, I tried starting a blog in the hopes of making money off of that somehow...I have considered podcasting... But as soon as I start something up or even start taking steps towards starting something up, I either completely lose interest or I chicken out reminding myself that I never pull these things off. I feel hopeless and pathetic, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't want to live my entire life accepting money from the government for a disorder I barely accept having, and I don't want to always have nothing but rice and beans to eat for half the month until my check comes in the mail again. I want children one day, and that day is approaching faster and faster and I'm not prepared at all. I don't know how to make a way for myself, and I can't understand how other people have the motivation to do any of what they do. I feel like I have enough knowledge to make myself rich, but it's as if there's this huge block that will not allow me to implement any of it.

Are there any people that know how to walk somebody through these things? I'm not even sure what I'm asking... sort of like a career counselor but somebody that could help me figure out how to start a business, who could keep me motivated, give me goals to reach and walk me through the steps towards reaching those goals until I understand how?

I've ordered some nootropics (sulbutiamine, aneracetam and oxiracetam), and have been taking the aneracetam and sulbutiamine for a little over two weeks now, not every day. At first they really made me feel motivated and I almost couldn't stop getting things done, cleaning, working, doing projects, etc. But now I take them and I just want to go lay back down and I feel this overwhelming blah feeling like nothing matters and like life is meaningless. I am diagnosed bipolar, and as much as I don't want to accept that I really could have it, I am thinking that maybe these drugs are affecting me badly because of it...or they lost their power because of it. I have no idea. Just reaching out to see if someone is able to help somehow... I'll accept any advice at this point. Even harsh advice, although I don't handle it well normally. I just need guidance here. This is not a good head space to be in...
 
Sweetbeefaerie said:
Are there any people that know how to walk somebody through these things? I'm not even sure what I'm asking... sort of like a career counselor but somebody that could help me figure out how to start a business, who could keep me motivated, give me goals to reach and walk me through the steps towards reaching those goals until I understand how?
Click to expand...

I do not mean to minimalize the rest of your post by cutting it out. I just wanted to hone in on the question you asked.

Depending on which state you live in, programs do exist that are dedicated solely to helping disabled people re-enter the workforce. Where I live there is a department run by our state government called DARS (Division of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services). I know you want someone to hold your hand and help you get rich but that ain't how things work. Have you tried working in retail? Owning and running a profitable business is harder than you may realize. If your disability prevents you from selling products in a retail environment, what makes you think you will be able to handle being the president, CEO, human resources, manager, laborer, and eventually retail salesperson of your own product?

I am not trying to discourage you from following your dreams. Do you know which restaurant owners are successful? The ones who have worked years in the restaurant industry as a host, busser, dishwasher, cook, server, bartender, and manager. My point is that if you want to own your own business, then find the industry you want to be in and work in that industry for a while to see how things work. Do you know which restaurant owners are not successful? The ones who enjoy patronizing good establishments but have never actually worked in the industry.

I don't know which state you live in but try googling things like vocational rehabilitation. You could also try calling 211, which seems to be a nationwide resource run by each individual state. So whatever state you live in, by dialing 211 you can access your state's government hotline.

It's hard having a disability people can't see. Believe me, I know. Are you on any medications prescribed by a doctor?
 
I've tried medication many times, but every time I end up feeling worse than before. I personally am one of those people who are very, very against the pharmaceutical industry and from personal experience with myself and with watching my family and friends on medications can say that I cannot ever take pharmaceutical medication again. I can't do it to myself or the people I live with. On my own, I've been able to make a million times more progress on myself and my mind than any mind numbing medication has even been able to make.

It is incredibly hard having a disability people can't see. Especially because I really seem completely normal to most people. You only see it if I let you into my personal life, and that is extremely difficult. It takes me months and months, sometimes even years to fully open up to someone and that someone will only be my lover. That person is probably the only person besides my parents who will truly see and understand that I even have a disability. Apart from my social anxiety, which most people see.
 
Just be honest with yourself. If you're not fit to work, don't beat yourself up over it. It's annoying seeing others move past you, sure, but there's also humility and dignity in going on your own path.
 
Don't give up. Keep searching until you find your place.
 
matrixmonkey said:
Just be honest with yourself. If you're not fit to work, don't beat yourself up over it. It's annoying seeing others move past you, sure, but there's also humility and dignity in going on your own path.
Click to expand...

I agree with this however I think the OP is probably capable of working hard on something, he/she just hasn't found what that is yet. A lot of people settle for something they're only half interested in and do that their entire lives. Some don't have a choice and do what they must to survive. For me personally I'm going towards something that plays to my talents and whilst I do have dreams of what could be done through this discipline.. I don't care enough to devote myself totally to it. What makes me happy is having a deep connection with someone, deep friendships, good food, restful sleep, sunshine and natural environments. Work is work.

Don't try to do to much at once. Start with the little things. If you're not exercising or getting out, then go for a walk around the block once in the morning. Do that every day without fail. Once you do that for months and it becomes ingrained you've achieved success. Now, do it with something else. Trying to throw your energy around in one hundred different directions and projects.. it's no wonder you never see anything through to completion because you need a lot of energy for that!

Perhaps you're afraid of committing to just one or two things because a part of you is worried you might actually succeed and begin to change your life.
 
Sweetbeefaerie said:
I am 24 years old, quickly coming up on 25 in a few months here. I live with my boyfriend and our roommate. Boyfriend has an alright job, and I am on disability for bipolar disorder and I do a bit of transcription work so I can have enough money to eat. I have been in a bit of a depression because I am feeling overwhelmed with life and not knowing what direction to take myself in. I'm a dabbler-I dabble in this hobby or that hobby but never become actually good at any of them. I don't feel good enough or qualified enough to try and make money with any of my hobbies. The times I have attempted to get a "normal job" I have become crippled beneath the pressure of expectations and work load and have had a mental breakdown. It's humiliating when someone asks me what I do for a living, and I don't know what to say. I can't say "oh, I can't handle work like normal people do so I am on disability and I type stuff for a few hours a day in order to continue feeding myself."

I have attempted and failed over and over again to start some sort of personal brand on the internet, making youtube videos giving advice for holistic things, I tried starting a blog in the hopes of making money off of that somehow...I have considered podcasting... But as soon as I start something up or even start taking steps towards starting something up, I either completely lose interest or I chicken out reminding myself that I never pull these things off. I feel hopeless and pathetic, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't want to live my entire life accepting money from the government for a disorder I barely accept having, and I don't want to always have nothing but rice and beans to eat for half the month until my check comes in the mail again. I want children one day, and that day is approaching faster and faster and I'm not prepared at all. I don't know how to make a way for myself, and I can't understand how other people have the motivation to do any of what they do. I feel like I have enough knowledge to make myself rich, but it's as if there's this huge block that will not allow me to implement any of it.

Are there any people that know how to walk somebody through these things? I'm not even sure what I'm asking... sort of like a career counselor but somebody that could help me figure out how to start a business, who could keep me motivated, give me goals to reach and walk me through the steps towards reaching those goals until I understand how?

I've ordered some nootropics (sulbutiamine, aneracetam and oxiracetam), and have been taking the aneracetam and sulbutiamine for a little over two weeks now, not every day. At first they really made me feel motivated and I almost couldn't stop getting things done, cleaning, working, doing projects, etc. But now I take them and I just want to go lay back down and I feel this overwhelming blah feeling like nothing matters and like life is meaningless. I am diagnosed bipolar, and as much as I don't want to accept that I really could have it, I am thinking that maybe these drugs are affecting me badly because of it...or they lost their power because of it. I have no idea. Just reaching out to see if someone is able to help somehow... I'll accept any advice at this point. Even harsh advice, although I don't handle it well normally. I just need guidance here. This is not a good head space to be in...
Click to expand...
Stay away from racetams. What you describe is my exact experience with noots, I felt like laying down ALL the time after like a week or two. My suggestion, since you seem to be holistic minded, become a vegetatian or vegan if you are not already (i know how it feels to eat rice and beans everyday, i am a poor ass vegetarian dude struggling like you, i am on the verge of homelessness...well not rly im typing on a smart phone right now but my data is limited so i need to get to a library to continue this convo...but lets talk bc i think we can help each other.) My sister has 'bipolar' and she went veg...she feels way less negative and depressed..i try to tell her she doesnt need meds that she can just take herbs and try meditating...anyways i hope things get better for us both, you are not alone in your suffering.
 
try finding any job where you can work 20+ hours a week. its easy to feel completely unmotivated when you are sitting around doing nothing all day

but my outlook on life completely changes when i am earning a decent income

if you can't get past the interview part, work on self-development by exercising daily, eating healthy, meditating, reading books/playing an instrument/practicing arts or crafts

a psychiatrist told me i was bipolar once, but i am just a very moody individual, i dont get so depressed i try kill myself, or so manic that i believe i am the next coming of mohammed.

if you dont think your mental health is a danger to yourself or others, i think you are right about not taking meds, doctors are happy to prescribe a SSRI that fucks with your sexual drive and can kill your ability to be aroused permanently, and mess with the ability to actually feel your emotions, which is what helps us grow as people. i doubt those same doctors would be down to go on a SSRI for a couple months, the only time i tried to self harm myself was a month into taking lexapro, when i was cutting my wrists with everything i could find in my room that was sharp, just to try and feel something..

read books on spirituality from good teachers such as eckhart tolle, pema chodron or ken wilber, they can help to provide some inspiration to improve your motivation to do productive stuff.
 
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