I hate myself to

[fukme]

I am male 35, physically abused as child, badly bullied in HS which about made me fucking crazy.

I have a Dx of major depression and GAD. I also am an opiate addict, was on suboxone now taking the fuck out of Norco. I don't know where to start.

CO-Dependancy is a huge issue with me. My last Gf died of bulimia and alcoholism and I can't put my hands around it. Maybe if I could find someone else... but the town I live in has no one and the girls that I could go out with are in worse shape than me. But at the same time I just walked to the store with this friend of mine, he's a "pretty boy" , whatever.. I am not by any means bad looking but I can't go around girls with this fuckin guy cuz they all gravitate toward him and it makes me want to start cutting again. I have not cut for 8 months or so but I cannot take rejection. I need to de friend this person.

I need to go to rehab because my hydrocodone addiction is out of control despite being legal. I fucking hate this shit and I really hope I don't wake up but probably will not sleep. All i can do is pour pills down my throat. I need to get into rehab but no one will take me cuz' i've been on benzos my whole fucking life.

what the fuck

 

[Missykins]

What do you mean that no one will take you? Do you mean that no program will take you because they will want to detox you off the benzos? Are you willing to come off of them? Where do you currently stand with the Suboxone?

I despise child abusers.

 

[fukme]

The only rehab that I can get to that is not 6 to 10 hours away will not take me on benzo's
because i have had seizures there. So I need medical detox to get into anywhere.. i don't stand
anywhere on suboxone because I cannot find a doc.

If I could get away from hydrocodone and onto sub. I would be able to sleep and function, would be alot
better off. I do wish to get off of everything but I have almost died a few times from seizures so you can understand I am a bit weary and wish to have control over my detox. I don't wanna die unless it's by my hand and i am not there yet.

 

[effie]

I am very glad you are not at the stage of wanting to kill yourself

I am not an expert on the medical system in the US (being British) so I'm not sure what to advise you with regards to your Suboxone or rehab - but would going to a rehab facility 6-10 hours away really be something you wouldn't consider? It might be worth it, if you think it is what you need..


I am so sorry to hear about your abuse, bullying and the death of your girlfriend. You have clearly had a huge amount to deal with in your life. Have you seen a therapist, and do you think you need any more professional support? Do you have any supportive friends or family around you at the moment? It is very easy to isolate yourself or to assume that no one can help you (I am an expert at this) but sometimes we all need some extra support. I can imagine that the combined effects of what has happened to you have resulted in very low self esteem and feeling lost and alone, and that is why you feel you need a girl so badly. I understand entirely - my boyfriend died 5 months ago, and having to cope with such a painful and traumatic experience without the very person you need to get through it is incredibly hard. That is why I strongly encourage you to seek as much help and support as possible - and know that things will improve for you

Instead of focussing on feeling unattractive and distressed because you don't have a girlfriend, how about trying to improve your self esteem and self-sufficiency? Ultimately, although we all tend to do it, relying on others for our happiness and sense of self-worth is doomed to failure. People leave us, they die, they move on or are unable to prop us up anymore - if we can prop ourselves up and feel comfortable in our own skin then that is vastly more lasting and durable. I know that it is a slow and difficult process. Small steps. Perhaps try sitting down and having a think about you - who are you? What are your strengths? What are your interests? What would you like to do with your life, and what measures (however small) can you take that would make you happier or stronger?

The art of learning to love (or even like) ourselves and to feel complete and comfortable on our own is a long journey but once you start trying to focus on this it can immediately improve your mood and state of mind. If you set yourself small but achievable tasks, and achieve them, then it lifts you up and improves your confidence hugely. Personally, I find CBT very helpful with this (both in changing my behaviour and my negative thought patterns) but there are various other techniques or things people find helpful. In general, being kind to yourself, looking after yourself, eating properly and exercise all tend to be very beneficial

Huge congratulations on not cutting for 8 months. That is something to be very proud of!

edit: if you would like to talk more about the death of your girlfriend there is a grief/bereavement thread here which you might find helpful, or feel free to pm me..