Venting I hate myself for being weak

[Puff]

Probably I won't post this as is hard for me to talk about personal stuff. But I'm feeling terrible since yesterday. As always, my English is not the best and I'm a little high and emotional.
I hate myself for being weak is a lot going on, but is nothing f up that can't be fixed. Is just that everything is happening at once: my father's cancer, my addiction, my finances, my career is falling apart. Also, I've suffered a car accident (everyone is fine, just the car was lost forever) that made me think how vulnerable we are. This event made me depressed.
I'm too anxious and perfectionist, so is too hard for me start doing things. I'm always fighting to stay up and adapt to this world, is just that... I'm tired.
Something inside me died and I don't know what it is. A part of me was lost. Sober I feel so much pain and love that it hurts.
My father's disease hit me hard, because someday he and my mom won't be here anymore and no one will understand the pain of losing MY parents (I'm an only child). That is why I've being obsessed with my cats, always think that they are dying. Projecting that they are pretending to be okay when they actually were not. Feeling like a terrible tutor, because of my addiction and lack of strength to do things. It hurts that they still stay by my side when I'm sad, when I'm sleeping, when I'm doing my things... Why they love me? Why someone loves me? I don't feel worth of their love. I don't feel worth of nobody's love.
There is something wrong with me. Simple tasks are too hard. I've been feeling anxious and depressed, which makes me less functional. I can't help people around me because I'm hurt. I need to stay high to avoid the pain. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me for a long time while saying that I'm worth of love, that I'm not an addicted monster or a waste of space. That I don't have to die.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hi. Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about your situation.

Would you say that you're lonely? I am. Not to discredit your experience, but I think that a lot of people get that way, especially in this world, which can be very impersonal. It's terribly painful. We are social being at heart, and want to share our lives with others, but it's not always clear how to do so. I struggle with it, too, a lot even. But I try to challenge myself, and through the hard work, things do get better. I can say that for sure. It might sound insensitive, it's just what I believe. I've seen it in myself and in loved ones. We really can grow and change and adapt.

All people desire love, I know that. And I think that everyone deserves it, as well. No one is perfect. I find that we are oftentimes much harder on ourselves than others are. It can motivate people to an extent, but too much can stunt our progress in this world.

Do you think you use partly because you have depression and anxiety that are untreated? Addiction is a medical condition. I have faith that you can overcome it and reach your longer term goals!

Please feel free to expand on anything. We are here for you. Again, thanks for reaching out. I think it's a good sign.

 

[rollsuponem]

Sounds rough Puff

The only thing or power sources to ease my existential pain (not taking into account healthy physical habits) which is nowhere close to what you are going through so I cannot possibly understand how you are feeling are Eastern mantras and deities

I don’t find any solace in Western pilgrim spirituality and what I have inside me seems to be more dark than light so I do have to rely on tools outside my own way of thinking not to say spirituality is the only solution for your strife of life just thinking of my weakness and personal fears of losing my parents I need the power of the mantra like I need water to survive

I am unemployed can’t even pay my bills like a grown-up refuse to go back to an employer willing to take me back right down the street no less makes me hate myself can’t take care of my responsibilities but fitness makes me feel better and better about myself feel like I am replacing my chemical addiction with that recently hope I can keep it going moving the body regularly feels great outdoors

Wish I knew what to say to help

 

[SpiralusSancti]

Why they love me? Why someone loves me?

☻cuz they can therefore they should☺

 

[Kellsee]

I can relate. It sounds a lot like anticipatory anxiety which is a side feature symptom of adhd. I don’t know if you have adhd or not but you don’t have to have it to experience this kind of anxiety. The anticipation of what we realize is inevitable can cause distress. But at the same time it can be as simple as the choice you are making in how to look at everything. The thought of losing your parents is hard because that’s one of the most difficult absolutes in life. We will lose some of the people we love. But what you’ve realized are often after thoughts when it’s too late for a lot of people. I know it’s a painful subject. But use it to motivate you to cherish the time you have left more. Spend more time with them….listen to their voice more….just really focus on enjoying their presence


Also has someone been gaslighting you? Give yourself more grace. These things wouldn’t even concern you if you were that bad.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope you can find more peace

 

[sonicwhite]

once I have time I'll reread what you wrote. what man sees as weakness God actually sees as His Might. He loves the downtrodden. the poor. the depised things like poor orphans with no food. really I know He knows exactly what He is doing. when we're told to suit up. we'll good luck satan cuz He the Lord the Lion of the Tribe of Judah won't have any pity on you. I want you guys to understand something. no matter how hard you want Him outta your life it doesn't change who He is. If you're a Buddhist, a pagan. anything that you won't bow your knees to the AC. well any man will do anything to save his own skin except those who Christ really truly knows. Imma but just so fed up with it all.



Anyways keep ur head up. this Age is almost over.

 

[Puff]

sounds a lot like anticipatory anxiety which is a side feature symptom of adhd. I don’t know if you have adhd or not but you don’t have to have it to experience this kind of anxiety

Thank you for your kind words and sorry for taking too long to reply.
The neuropsychiatrist who did my diagnosis told me that I'm neurodivergent. Is a complicated story. I did a test with a professional that pointed out that I'm neurodivergent. My psychiatrist read this test, talked to me, observed how I acted and feel (she is my doctor since 2020). Then she thought that I have some autistic traits and asked me what I thought about that. At the moment I thought that some points made sense, but I'm still a little skeptical about this diagnosis and if I had money I would make more tests with psychologists and a neurologist who have experience in autistic adults. Some people think that is a waste of time look for this. They say that I'm just introverted, a little disorganized and insecure, not autistic, specially because I'm good with people. If they are right, I want more evidences... I just want to know why I feel strange (is hard to explain this feeling, is like I'm watching the world inside an aquarius away from my body).
The the inner work I've started doing after this post made me realize a few things, like the fact that I'm a people pleaser, because I've thought that if I acted the way my parents expected (or any human being), they would love me and give me a little bit of attention... I was a people pleaser and the obedient kid. About the fact that I don't deserve love, my new therapist made me realize that I was abused a few times by people that I trusted.

The thought of losing your parents is hard because that’s one of the most difficult absolutes in life. We will lose some of the people we love. But what you’ve realized are often after thoughts when it’s too late for a lot of people. I know it’s a painful subject. But use it to motivate you to cherish the time you have left more. Spend more time with them….listen to their voice more….just really focus on enjoying their presence

This is true. Is very painful, but makes sense cherish the time we have left with those we love. What is helping me is to avoid thinking about the future and their deaths and enjoy the time with those I love despite the distance. Death is something scary and delicate for me, because is something that I can't control and understand. However, now I'm talking everyday with my parents despite the distance.

 

[Puff]

Hi. Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about your situation.

Would you say that you're lonely? I am. Not to discredit your experience, but I think that a lot of people get that way, especially in this world, which can be very impersonal. It's terribly painful. We are social being at heart, and want to share our lives with others, but it's not always clear how to do so. I struggle with it, too, a lot even. But I try to challenge myself, and through the hard work, things do get better. I can say that for sure. It might sound insensitive, it's just what I believe. I've seen it in myself and in loved ones. We really can grow and change and adapt.

All people desire love, I know that. And I think that everyone deserves it, as well. No one is perfect. I find that we are oftentimes much harder on ourselves than others are. It can motivate people to an extent, but too much can stunt our progress in this world.

Do you think you use partly because you have depression and anxiety that are untreated? Addiction is a medical condition. I have faith that you can overcome it and reach your longer term goals!

Please feel free to expand on anything. We are here for you. Again, thanks for reaching out. I think it's a good sign.

Hi. Thank for your answer and sorry if took too long to answer, a lot happened.
Sorry about your pain. Lonliness hurts, but is good that you challenge yourself to connect with people. When I wrote this post, I was feeling alone, because I've moved to another state and was dealing with a few disappointments with friendships and humanity. That time I was refusing to meet new people... And I was feeling lonely because I had no one to tell that with all that was happening to me there was the plus of the cocaine use (the psychiatrist and the therapist doesn't count), because is a secret... And secrets hurt.
I used coke to help me to deal with unconfortable situations or when I felt too much anxiety and sadness. For example, i used coke to write a few topics of my master, because the university triggers me and I start to remember some traumatic moments with a teacher from my college. Or when I had to do some task (start tasks are hard for me in general, but this semester were too hard).
Little by little I've started to understand why I believed that I didn't deserved love. Therapy is helping me to understand what is going on and I'm treating my depression and anxiety with antidepressants and mood stabilizer. And yes, I think is because my depression and anxiety. There is a few moments in my life that I have obsessive thoughts that consume me (without the drugs, but the drugs make worse if I use too much). For example, I have obsessive thoughts that my cats are sick, unhappy and I'm not taking care of them right and when I wrote this post I was having this thoughts. The mood stabilizer is strangely helping me with this and the coke cravings.
Is kinda relieving to read that addiction is a medical condition... I confess that part of the lonliness I've felt was because of the shame I feel for this.
Thank you for reading and for the advices.

 

[Puff]

Sounds rough Puff

The only thing or power sources to ease my existential pain (not taking into account healthy physical habits) which is nowhere close to what you are going through so I cannot possibly understand how you are feeling are Eastern mantras and deities

I don’t find any solace in Western pilgrim spirituality and what I have inside me seems to be more dark than light so I do have to rely on tools outside my own way of thinking not to say spirituality is the only solution for your strife of life just thinking of my weakness and personal fears of losing my parents I need the power of the mantra like I need water to survive

I am unemployed can’t even pay my bills like a grown-up refuse to go back to an employer willing to take me back right down the street no less makes me hate myself can’t take care of my responsibilities but fitness makes me feel better and better about myself feel like I am replacing my chemical addiction with that recently hope I can keep it going moving the body regularly feels great outdoors

Wish I knew what to say to help

Thank you for your words, it helped me.
I hope you replace your chemical addiction with exercises. Fitness is also helping me a lot with the pain and sadness in my heart. Reading a book and studying is also helping.
Is sad to feel that you can't take care of your responsabilities, I wish you the best and I hope you find a job soon.
And keep doing exercises.

Have a good day.

 

[Puff]

☻cuz they can therefore they should☺

Thank you

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

You aren't weak. To defeat ones own brain is entirely too difficult. If you were weak you wouldn't even make an attempt. Half the problem is recognizing there is one etc. DO NOT FEEL WEAK the hardest gangsters get caught up in addiction. (not saying they are strong, but they certainly wouldn't cop to being mentally weak. I didn't read that carefully to be honest but the fact you recognize the problem is enough to make me believe in you! Do what needs to be done but go easy on yourself. Taper before quitting etc. You are strong.

 

[Puff]

You aren't weak. To defeat ones own brain is entirely too difficult. If you were weak you wouldn't even make an attempt. Half the problem is recognizing there is one etc. DO NOT FEEL WEAK the hardest gangsters get caught up in addiction. (not saying they are strong, but they certainly wouldn't cop to being mentally weak. I didn't read that carefully to be honest but the fact you recognize the problem is enough to make me believe in you! Do what needs to be done but go easy on yourself. Taper before quitting etc. You are strong.

Thank you very much.
Fight against your brain is a long and hard battle, but I don't want to give up. I want to get better.
What helped me was to spend a few days out of my house to avoid triggers. It helped, because I'm less compulsive (I used to do one big line and five minutes later I would blow another line with a total of 3g per day).

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Triggers are very real. I know.....or knew many ppl who would shoot water when they had no dope........all very nasty business. I have came from about 250 mg of kpin a day all the way back to the 3 mg I am prescribed. It took ten years of hard work; in the end....VERY WORTH IT. I remember being hospitalized and needing to explain how suboxone works to surgeons to avoid precip w/d. BTW they didnt listen I had to swallow 4 mg so it had virtually 0% bioavailability to avoid precip after there groovy fet & halcion concontion. You gotta look after yourself and you seem to be ready to do so. Believe it or not the hardest part for me was the mental decision..... "I am done having fun now and am seriously worried about my health'. A new enviornment is key, I actually went on vacation and forgot to fill my script before (DUMB!) and it took till I was shaking in Colorado to understand what the problem was......

 

[Puff]

Yeah, I thought that triggers weren't real until happen with me. Something that I missed was to snort something, so once I snorted a clonazepam.
I'm the end, forget to fill your script was a good thing, but the withdrawal was probably bad.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

nah I am over middle aged and have been scripted them since 17.....cessation is not a good idea for me in any way. They were needed in the first place. Got one of those brains that plays things out in every angle possible than grips onto the worst one and throw it on thought loop. Not useful for anything anymore.

 

[Puff]

Makes sense. Sometimes I use, but only during periods where I'm too anxious

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I scored weed yesterday.
I feel so much better now.
I'd like to just be in good health.
But that is not option.
So, weed it is.
Life is mindless torture that requires radical means.

I have recently thought about dualism of recognizing the responsibility and recognizing the limits of our ability to control our life as individual of megalomanic species.
Somehow it is both relief and source of self-pity to notice that, effectively, not all my pain is my fault.