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Opioids I hate myself and want to die - withdrawal help/med advice thread #473892438924

W

woe

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
1
What's up BL? I haven't been here for years. I used to follow captain.heroin's and others' posts really closely, but then I just sorta gave up and went with sub maintenance for the past two years.

Sub is now gone. For about three months I did 2mg/day and then the last two weeks were approximately 1mg/day. I should have tapered more slowly (duh) but addiction's a bitch.

I am now... I guess five days clean? Last sub dose was last Tuesday, today is Sunday. I keep hoping that I'm going to break through to the wonderful PAWS phase, but I swear, every day is still worse than the last. I guess that's to be expected with suboxone.

I read hundreds of pages on bluelight. I went to a doctor - twice - trying to get clonidine or gabapentin, which many here have called lifesavers. The doctor is a good guy but way the fuck out of his league and has no idea what he's doing. He gave me a script for clonazapam -- which is a nice gesture, but I have been rxed that for the past 6 years (1mg/day) and honestly the extra 1mg or so a day won't do shit -- and some really shitty tryciclic antidepressant, I forget which, but not only did it make me dead tired, but when I late looked it up, everyone complained that somnolence was the biggest complaint and very very very questionable efficacy for anything. When I saw him again he prescribed me an anti-psychotic (Risperidone) which I took once and not again because it seemed to make me sleepier but not any better at all in any other way.

Right now, I wish I had kratom - it's the only OTC-ish thing I haven't tried - but I live in washington DC and it seems like none of the stores sell it anymore. I know I can order it online but I have too little motivation for all that... making this post is probably the most I will do all day long.

So I'm taking:
  • 1.5mg clonopin / day (not really helpful, I'm trying to get off of it, but certainly not right now)
  • amphetamine salts (prescribed for ADHD, which I legit need, although since tuesday I have been taking very little because it seems to make WD worse)
  • loperamide (about 12mg/day... not too much, don't want to fuck up my GI system too much, which loperamide really seems to stop up for me, which I know from experience
  • tonic water (I heard some people say it helps the lope cross the BBB or stay in the system... maybe it's junk science, I don't know)
  • DXM - just took for the first time today about half an hour ago, about 50 mgs. I'm afraid to take too much because I know you're not supposed to mix amphetamine salts and DXM
  • Exercise - in the past I have noticed that running

The loperamide isn't doing much - I skipped a couple of days and didn't notice much difference - and so far the DXM just seems to be making me feel hot (maybe really slight serotonin syndrome because of the amphetamine)


ANYWAY, if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great. I want to kill myself. I want to take a month off of work, but I am a teacher and that would be impossible. I want to get back on subs but it would probably take at least 2 weeks, and every time I think about it, I think to myself, wasn't there a reason in the first place I wanted to get off of this shit?

I have basically no friends outside of work (thanks, subs, for making me soooo content to have no social life!... j/k, sort of, I know it's ultimately all my fault). I can confide in nobody, but need to vent. Depression has always been a problem for me but right now it's fucking crazy. I just want these withdrawals to GO THE FUCK AWAY:(:(:(:(
 
i used to mix DXM and pseudoephedrine on a nightly basis. used to be the main ingredients in "CCC" or coricidin. i used to wonder why we couldnt sleep when we did that. lol gawd that was an OTC trip that should have never existed. holy crap! i have some seriously crazy stories from all of that. wheew!


personally... i would stay the F away from ANY anti-depressant. they make me feel weird(any many others) and that feeling could be multiplied by the suboxone w/d. same with the risperdal, thats just one of those drugs that dr's throw at people when they dont know whats really wrong.

u need to get off your arse and exercise. do you smoke pot at all? if so u need to be sticking to sativa heavy strains except for at night or certain occasions. the indicas and indica heavy hybrids could make u feel more lethargic.

I like to use weak opiates/opioids to help wean off of sub/bupe myself(kinda like how u mentioned kratom). this is a touchy suggestion tho as some cant handle this route. u have to be sure your actually going to quit and not just maintain using weak opiates again, or at least think your gonna maintain, then back to full blown addict.
Ive been able to use hydrocodone for that in that past. but only when i had to, u may not benefit from ANY more opiates at this point. thats hard to say exactly. but since you've managed 5 days already, taking an opiate may be a step backwards. even kratom.

also its VERY easy IMO to taper klonopin/clonazepam just do it .25 at a time every few days. that could help immensely, im also on clonazepam and im familiar with benzo's and how they effect you. especially in combo with opiates, or opiate w/d. its up to you on this one... u need to ask yourself: am i really having that bad of anxiety or panic attacks? or address the use of it for sleeping too if u use it for that also.

you're doing good! its just expected to be all blah right now, you're only 5 days out. even on morphine or something shorter acting you would still feel just as bad. try thinking of it that way. i cold turkey'd from about 100-150 mg IV morphine after only a very very fast taper over just a couple days. i felt the effects of w/d for at least a month.

it just took time, and the more active i was the better it turned out. good luck! ill be doing the same eventually... so ill try and keep an eye on this.
 
Hello there if you are clean for 5 days why throw it away ? keep clean and you won't have to go thru that shit again .i lived that life for years and you and I know is a pain in the ass .i been clean a little over 3 months and stills don't feel 100 p/c but am getting there slowly every day is better. the more days go by the better you gona feel . Keep strong !
 
Oh, woe, I feel so bad for you... hard to imagine how you could teach with all of this bad juju dragging you low.

You stopped mid-sentence talking about exercise, and I tell you I was downright jealous that you can run. Can you? That always helped pull me out of the low-endorphin swamp of depression when I could exercise. (At the moment, not only am I too feeble to do anything aerobic (even stairs are a challenge), but I'm on fentanyl for chronic pain and doing anything to raise my body temp would be forbidden even if I could.

Just a word to let you know there's someone here in your/our town who's thinking if you and hoping for a little light of improvement. As a lifelong depressive, often majorly so, I know how it feels to be stuck in the muck of Bad Self-Abasing Thought... any chance of seeing a therapist to talk it through?

Better times ahead, I hope. xxMrsM
 
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