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I found out who raped me

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Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
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The Valley of Ashes
Hi,

I don't know if any of you recall but I posted here about being raped a few months ago. I didn't know who the man was and I got off relatively okay since I didn't end up pregnant and tested clean for STDs. It was obviously really traumatizing and I've been trying to pick up the pieces since then.
Anyway, earlier today I found out who the man was. Turns out he's a friend of an acquaintance, I stumble on a picture of them on facebook and I'm absolutely sure it's him.
I really don't know what to do about this. I don't want to take legal action. I know someone who tried to get her rapist arrested and the defense attorney did everything he could to try and show that it was her fault. The trial hurt her just as much as what actually happened and she got out convinced that she had deserved it. I've already been struggling with that, thinking it was my fault etc., and I just don't think I can handle someone else saying it to me. I also couldn't bear to get my family or my friends involved. Only a couple people know (and even then, they don't know much) and I just can't tell them. I don't even want to tell my acquaintance who this guy is. I don't know if I can do it. I don't want anyone in my 'real' life to know what happened to me.
Anyway this is opening up a lot of wounds and I don't really know what I'm hoping for since I said I didn't want to do anything about it...but support would be cool I guess.

Thanks.
 
Hey Pagey, I can't really understand how hard this must be for you, but I can appreciate that it must be. You shouldn't be ashamed or shy of telling people in 'real' life as you did not do anything wrong. Yes, defence attorneys do make it hard to bring these sorts of charges, but alas, that is their job. If you need to talk or ask about the legal process involved in this sort of thing, you are welcome to PM me. :)
 
Pagey <3

I encourage you to take some legal action. That way if this creep ever comes near you again you will be able to contact law enforcement and get him removed. Look into getting a protective order (I'm not sure of the legal protections available in France but whatever their equivalent is.)
 
Justice must be served, imo. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this problem right now, but the defense lawyers serve a necessary purpose, even if they seem like pieces of shit at the time of their cross examination. Securing at least an order of protection against him will be better than nothing because it can hinder his actions in terms of employment and other times when he gets background checks. Maybe that'll keep him from raping anyone else.
 
God dammit this is one of those times when it sucks being a mod, because there are several things I think that man deserves.

I'm sorry pagey. If there is any justice, that man's face will meet a large hard object at some point in his life. What a scumbag.
 
Lysis said:
I'm sorry pagey. If there is any justice, that man's face will meet a large hard object at some point in his life. What a scumbag.
Click to expand...

In an ideal world, it would be his face meeting my 26 inch PR-24 baton. (Or even better, a small piece of copper coated steel with a high relative velocity to his face.)
 
Nooooo, why human act like this , why this guy was feeling so bad that he doing this ? destroying a part of you just because of he's sick ego. I cannot imagine your pain, all i can do is send you all my love.
 
thats shit- in all truth your example of what happened to your friend does make sense. rape is really hard to convict people with if it doesn't have some kind of forensic evidence behind it/witness's. then its going to be a case of one persons word versus another. i'm not trying to put you off, what i'm saying is do you have some evidence of a police exam/witness testimony?

thats horrible to have to deal with
 
i'd personally tell your biggest male friend who the guy is and problem solved. Maybe tell a couple of big guys. Since justice can't be carried out through the legal system i am all for carrying it out in your own way. I'm not kidding either, same thing happened to a girl at my university and she had to take a class with that same guy a couple years later and ended up dropping the class because of it. It's messed up and violence is not a good way to get revenge but violence will be a great teacher for this piece of shit. Sorry to hear that happened to you and remember it's not your fault.
 
Pagey, wow...it must be both a feeling of relief and complete inner turmoil to make this discovery, huh?

I don't agree 100% that "justice must be served".....I can't remember if you sought treatment right after the rape, but if no physical evidence exists, it becomes a your word against his situation.

But mostly because I feel like true justice will come from you being able to heal from what happened...therefore, if you don't feel like bringing him up on charges for whatever reason, don't feel like you have to.

What I really hope that you can come to terms with is that if anyone should be carrying around shame in this situation, it is him and not you. I am not saying that you have to go around telling people about it, but it is ok to talk about it.

If it were me, I would contact my acquaintance and find out as much information about this person as I could. Just because knowledge can be power. Let yourself digest this situation a little more before deciding what to do. In any case, anything you decide to do that helps you heal is ok. You are the victim here.

I truly believe in karma...he will receive retribution in some form or another. You need to take care of yourself by whatever means necessary...if that entails calling the police, so be it. If it entails doing nothing, so be it. The important thing is that up are ok.

Huge hugs, lady. I was sexually assaulted right after I graduated from high school, and it took me a little while to get over. I was forced to perform oral sex, and to this day I have no idea why I didn't just bite his cock off. It is because I am "nice" even while being molested...but karma intervened and he is in prison now (for something else) so I understand a little bit where you are coming from. I chose not to tell anyone but my best friend...not because I was ashamed but because I really didn't feel like having people look at ME differently when I was not to blame. That happens, and it sucks. I am way past it now, and you can be too if you are able to do what you need to to make sure YOU are ok.
 
Thanks so much for all the replies, they've each made me feel a little better.
There is no proof whatsoever to support what happened. I never went to the police or anything. I'm just too scared to get involved in a messy trial and bring my family and friends into it.
I don't really know what I'm going to do, or if I'm going to do anything, but I really, really appreciate the responses.
 
As others have said, rape is extremely difficult to prosecute; the trial is frequently humiliating to the already-humiliated plaintiff, and if there is no evidence taken immediately after the event it's nearly impossible to prove. I'm sorry that there are no easy answers. :(
 
One thing you could do is stick a running dictaphone in your pocket and confront him in an effort to get him to talk about it and incriminate himself. Once done, head to the cop shop. Failing that, go down on him and bite that fuckers cock off.

So sorry to hear this happened to you Pagey, it makes me sick.
 
Belisarius said:
As others have said, rape is extremely difficult to prosecute; the trial is frequently humiliating to the already-humiliated plaintiff, and if there is no evidence taken immediately after the event it's nearly impossible to prove. I'm sorry that there are no easy answers. :(
Click to expand...

i agree completely....
and pagey i am so sorry...
i wish i did have an answer for you.... someway to make this guy pay for how much he hurt you its not fair i know
 
RobotRipping said:
i'd personally tell your biggest male friend who the guy is and problem solved. Maybe tell a couple of big guys. Since justice can't be carried out through the legal system i am all for carrying it out in your own way. I'm not kidding either, same thing happened to a girl at my university and she had to take a class with that same guy a couple years later and ended up dropping the class because of it. It's messed up and violence is not a good way to get revenge but violence will be a great teacher for this piece of shit. Sorry to hear that happened to you and remember it's not your fault.
Click to expand...

If you don't want to go to court then I would go with telling a few blokes you know and let them give him a good going over.
Just make sure that it is the right man first and if you are sure then go with what Robot ripping said.
 
Hey Pagey. I'm a sexual assault survivor who actually did go to the police. I was originally not going to do it but my two friends who I confided in both told me I had a responsibility to future victims to make sure a report was filed. I listened to them but in hindsight what they said was less supportive of me and more supportive of revenge, and was not in my best interest. The two police officers I dealt with were both men and were not very sympathetic. I could tell they felt emasculated by a man coming to tell them that he had been raped by another man.

I was immediately asked if I had proof to which I said no. The officer said that if a rape kit was not possible then it would be hard to do anything against the accused. They were not even willing to file a report which I have sinced learned is not proper procedure. The report should be filed regardless if the allegation is proven or not, because if some day someone with proof does come forward, there will already be a history established and they might be more willing to listen to my testimony. (This is the bare minimum advantage of going to the police.)

I'm telling you my story so that you have the facts. Rapists get away with it because not enough people report it, but I count myself among many people I've spoken to who say the police are not super helpful. They can be very dismissive if they feel the victim is deserving because they are poor, non-white, homosexual, or a sex worker. That said, I support you reporting him if it brings you justice. You have a right to file a report, but it will be up to the police what happens next, if anything.

On the plus side, you at least know who he is now. Some survivors don't know who their rapist was so they constantly live in fear that he is lurking somewhere. Now that you know his identity you can at least put that aspect to rest, and if you see him around you can avoid him.

In my case I was not close friends with my attacker, but if I knew who his social network was I would have outed him as a rapist to his entire community. In the least, if you have access to his friends and family I would tell them, and frame it as, "I am telling you this because your friend/son/brother is going to end up in jail and ruin his life if he does not stop." Maybe then when he's out with friends and chasing women his friends will be keeping an eye on him.

Thank you for sharing your story... it takes a lot of courage. I speak from personal experience. I hope my advice is in some way helpful. I can't say I'll ever be over what happened to me but there are ways we can try to make it at least a bit better.
 
its harsh but to go after him in court you need forensic evidence.

its sad- have you thought about going to counselling? because healing yourself will help you. i dunno what else to advise:\

x
 
Pagey said:
Hi,

I don't know if any of you recall but I posted here about being raped a few months ago. I didn't know who the man was and I got off relatively okay since I didn't end up pregnant and tested clean for STDs. It was obviously really traumatizing and I've been trying to pick up the pieces since then.
Anyway, earlier today I found out who the man was. Turns out he's a friend of an acquaintance, I stumble on a picture of them on facebook and I'm absolutely sure it's him.
I really don't know what to do about this. I don't want to take legal action. I know someone who tried to get her rapist arrested and the defense attorney did everything he could to try and show that it was her fault. The trial hurt her just as much as what actually happened and she got out convinced that she had deserved it. I've already been struggling with that, thinking it was my fault etc., and I just don't think I can handle someone else saying it to me. I also couldn't bear to get my family or my friends involved. Only a couple people know (and even then, they don't know much) and I just can't tell them. I don't even want to tell my acquaintance who this guy is. I don't know if I can do it. I don't want anyone in my 'real' life to know what happened to me.
Anyway this is opening up a lot of wounds and I don't really know what I'm hoping for since I said I didn't want to do anything about it...but support would be cool I guess.

Thanks.
Click to expand...

I feel for you Pagey. I really hope you can get past this. No one deserves that kind of abuse.

I strongly believe that you should take some kind of legal action against this guy, whether civil or criminal. Being passive is only going to make the anger inside you build and build. That anger won't go away just because you take him to court, but it would be a huge step towards relieving that anger. You don't want to avoid taking action now and then a few years down the line decide you want to only to realize that the statute of limitations has passed. That's just adding regret on top of the incomprehensible amount of anger and frustration you already feel.
 
I'm sorry Pagey. I wish I had some sort of advice for you. But I think you'll do what's right. You have the option to choose not to take legal action if you want. I can understand that would be a difficult thing to go through. But it would be good if he got what he deserved!
 
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