hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2007
- Messages
- 8,493
hey,
i don't frequent the dark side often, so i am not really sure how things go here. but i think this will be appropriate. i guess i wanna share, and i think just writing it out might help as well. i'm not really sure where to start, so i just will. this is going to be long. skim it if you are willing to read any of it at all; a lot of it is just for me to write. and i've been drinking and taking my ativan because what i am describing was causing me mental pain.
alright, i have this problem--not really the appropriate word, i think. i'm just gonna describe the situation. it is one example of a reoccurring thing.
i am currently on christmas vacation with my family. skiing out west (that's where we do it, non-americans). today was the last full day we are here. i skied by myself--something i like to do. i wasnt going to even ski today, but i changed my mind at the last minute because it was such a nice day. so first run of the day, i am in the singles lane for the chairlift. there is a huge group of young ski school kids they need to get on and up the lift. an instructor asks me if i mind taking up two little girls with me. of course i did not. in fact i was happy to.
so he tells me to be in the middle, and have each one sit on each side. these are little girls. i am terrible about ages, but i'd guess 6ish. i could be off on that. little enough that i had to pick one of them up and set her on the chairlift. that one scooted up right next to me. very cute little girls.
i'm pretty good with little kids. i ask them their names, where they are from, how they know each other, ask if they are having fun on their vacation, etc. tomorrow is christmas, so obviously santa claus and what they are hoping for is the topic of conversation on the pretty long ride up the mountain. one girl wants some nerf gun, the one just like her older brothers. she wants a repunzle doll too, from some new movie. the kind of talk to each other too, and talk to me about what the other is saying--the other girl tells me the doll is a movie character. but they are mostly talking to me, and innocently interrupting each other because christmas and santa clause are just so exciting. the other girl does not have anything on her christmas list because she knows santa claus will have great surprises for her. the other girl expands on this point, telling me santa clause is the smartest man alive. adorable.
one of the girls is telling me something, when the slightly more outgoing says, "my name, my name, look, look!"cute she knows my name from the quick exchange before we got on the lift--name exchanges are just perfunctory for adults; most people dont even listen to forget (i'm guilty). she is showing me that she is about to lose one of her teeth. she thinks maybe even today. the other girl is really excited for her. we talk about the tooth fairy for a bit. one girl lost all her "savings," from past lost teeth placed under the pillow, but the tooth fairy is such a nice lady that she replaced all of those savings with a note saying she is really sorry that she lost the money. good parents.
we are almost to the top. the ride has been perfect. these girls are adorable. i can't believe how lucky i am for my day to greet me with something so awesome. the chairlift operator sees their little ski school vests and slows the chairlift down so i can help them off. the slightly quieter girl tells me they always do this for ski school. we all agree it is very nice of the chairlift operator. i ask them how many times they have gotten off a chairlift. many. i ask them if that means they are really good at it. "mhmm." "yes, but not always"--that is the one i had to lift up onto the chair, and i figure the one i might need to help getting off. the chair lift operator steps out and says "Little Reindeer go right." he is mostly talking to me. we get to the point where we have to get off. the girl to my right does a great job. the girl to my left--the one who is thinking that tomorrow she might get both presents from santa clause AND a dollar from the toothfairy!--stands up from the chair, but does not know how to move forward. the chair touches her behind and she looks worried about not moving forward away from the chair. i grab her and tell her "you're alright" and push off so that we both go forward down the ramp. this is all taking place in just a finger-full of seconds. i see ski instructors to my left, as well as other little kids in these Little Reindeer vests. i figure going left is fine; that way the girl who is doing it all by herself to my right has plenty of room. this was kind of an intense moment. i questioned my ability to do it for a second. i have to pick this girl up and go down this ramp, i have to watch the girl to my right to make sure she is doing fine by herself, and i have never helped a kid off the lift before. it goes well. so i direct us left towards this group i've spotted out of the corner of my eye. soon as we get to the instructor, i let her go.
as i am slowly skiing away, i tell the girl i helped down the ramp, "have a good rest of the day, ok?" but she does not respond. i figure she is meeting up with her buddies and the ski instructors; they are probably supposed to do specific things once they get off the lift so no one gets lost. no problem, my time with them is done and it was great. but i keep on looking back as i slowly ski away to make sure they are ok. the girl i helped off and dropped off in the little ski group looks concerned. maybe she even says, "wait." not directly to me, just to life. she is not in the right spot. she is supposed to be to the right on the ramp (only 10 feet away). the fucking ski instructor should have been able to help her from there, but i see her crossing infront the ramp by herself as other people are getting off and skiing down it--making an obstacle course for this worried little girl. i am already way too far away to help. by the time i could take off my skies and get to her, she'd already be where she needs to be. fuck me. i was trying so hard to make them as comfortable as possible. i'm sure this ski instructor had his hands full, but what the fuck. this little girl should be priority.
so that is how i left the otherwise perfect situation.
why is this torturing me? because experiences like that are all i really care about in life. a perfect moment can hold me for a long time. something to think about when i close my eyes in attempt to leave stressful, imperfect, dull life for a moment. to escaper the claustrophobia of real life. and the opportunity to be part of someone great's life--these little girls were amazing. to make their day a little better. to leave a good memory in their head, one that i am involved in. the end is always so hard to maintain. and as often happens, this one was fucked up in the end.
or so i feel like. i mean she got where she needed to be. we three had a really fun conversation on the chairlift ride. the lack of a final goodbye is not terrible, getting of the chairlift is pretty consuming for a little kid. it's just that she had to cross the ramp by herself. that she looked worried about it. that i left her there like that.
i have no idea how big of a big deal any of this was to any of them. but it did not have to be a big deal. just something small and perfect. i have no idea if she felt like i abandoned her there. she did need my help for one more moment, and i wasnt there. i thought the fucking ski instructor had it from there.
so now i fear that her memory of me and the moment is tainted. as well as the actual moment truly being tainted. and i do not know to what point i am unnecessarily torturing myself. maybe everything went fine. maybe her having to cross the ramp by herself was just fine. i do not know to what extent my memory is reliable and to what extent i am twisting things. the "wait" is a perfect example; i am not even sure she said that. and to what degree she looked nervous and to what degree i was just nervous for her and that is twisting my memory of her reaction. i was not nearly as worried about it then as i have grown to be over the day. at first, i was thrilled. what an amazing start to the day. what i am worried about is 20 seconds in an otherwise perfect 10 minutes. but it was the last 20 seconds, and the end is always so important to me. but that 20 seconds has grown to consume it all. like i said, it is moments like this that make my life bearable. a grain of beauty in the mess of my life. but what should be a great gift to me from life, has me drinking and taking benzos (i try so hard to keep my tolerance to benzos down, as i need them to not go insane from the crushing claustrophobia of being trapped in life). i dont know what degree the wrong is in my head. maybe it really was a great moment? it sure felt life it.
i do this all the time. torture myself over one amiss detail in an otherwise great experience. i'm so worried about what this girl thinks of me. that in her memory, she remembers most how it was my job to make sure she ended up where she was supposed to be, and i failed her. that she might think i just skied away and left her there. that i did not do everything i could to make this girls life as perfect as possible in the small area i was given the gift of having an influence.
i need these moments to get through the drudgery of the rest of it. instead, they often end up a sharp shard of pain in my mind. i've worried about it all day. thought of almost nothing else. i know i must be obsessing. that this is not normal. but fuck normal. and i cannot know to what extent i am unnecessarily destroying a perfect moment in my mind, and how it really went in reality.
this moment is just one example of what i often do to myself. i met a girl in ibiza. she was wonderful. very pure. not rolling, but so full of life she had me fooled. but i was drunk and fucked up on E. i could not remember how we departed, and it tortured me for days. details are not necessary, but i thought maybe something i had said had hurt her. something i know i said. but i do not really remember her reaction. something that the logical part of me says was nothing, but the anxious, broken part of me can not let go. otherwise, it was perfect. i was depressed for days over it. maybe weeks.
well, now that i am reaching the end, i do not really have any conclusion. i just wish it could have been perfect. that i could have dropped her off exactly where she needed to be, or that the ski instructor could have payed more attention--smiled and greeted her and nodded to me to let me know she was in his/her care and things were fine.
the logical part of me tries to scream that the moment was great, and i have something to treasure. that both the girls memory of me is positive, and that i was lucky enough to have a positive impact on their day.
the other part of me, that seems to win, is so worried. almost hoping they forget about it all and that i could just force, drink, pill it out of my mind.
why do i have to destroy something so beautiful.
this is so long. sorry. the bottom few paragraphs are what i guess are most important; i just wanted to share more if it. i am not absolutely consumed with pain about it right now--as i have been for most of the day--because of the ativan, but i imagine it will be an intense hurt again in future moments of reflection and obsession.
thank you, anyone who reads this or any part of it.
i don't frequent the dark side often, so i am not really sure how things go here. but i think this will be appropriate. i guess i wanna share, and i think just writing it out might help as well. i'm not really sure where to start, so i just will. this is going to be long. skim it if you are willing to read any of it at all; a lot of it is just for me to write. and i've been drinking and taking my ativan because what i am describing was causing me mental pain.
alright, i have this problem--not really the appropriate word, i think. i'm just gonna describe the situation. it is one example of a reoccurring thing.
i am currently on christmas vacation with my family. skiing out west (that's where we do it, non-americans). today was the last full day we are here. i skied by myself--something i like to do. i wasnt going to even ski today, but i changed my mind at the last minute because it was such a nice day. so first run of the day, i am in the singles lane for the chairlift. there is a huge group of young ski school kids they need to get on and up the lift. an instructor asks me if i mind taking up two little girls with me. of course i did not. in fact i was happy to.
so he tells me to be in the middle, and have each one sit on each side. these are little girls. i am terrible about ages, but i'd guess 6ish. i could be off on that. little enough that i had to pick one of them up and set her on the chairlift. that one scooted up right next to me. very cute little girls.
i'm pretty good with little kids. i ask them their names, where they are from, how they know each other, ask if they are having fun on their vacation, etc. tomorrow is christmas, so obviously santa claus and what they are hoping for is the topic of conversation on the pretty long ride up the mountain. one girl wants some nerf gun, the one just like her older brothers. she wants a repunzle doll too, from some new movie. the kind of talk to each other too, and talk to me about what the other is saying--the other girl tells me the doll is a movie character. but they are mostly talking to me, and innocently interrupting each other because christmas and santa clause are just so exciting. the other girl does not have anything on her christmas list because she knows santa claus will have great surprises for her. the other girl expands on this point, telling me santa clause is the smartest man alive. adorable.
one of the girls is telling me something, when the slightly more outgoing says, "my name, my name, look, look!"cute she knows my name from the quick exchange before we got on the lift--name exchanges are just perfunctory for adults; most people dont even listen to forget (i'm guilty). she is showing me that she is about to lose one of her teeth. she thinks maybe even today. the other girl is really excited for her. we talk about the tooth fairy for a bit. one girl lost all her "savings," from past lost teeth placed under the pillow, but the tooth fairy is such a nice lady that she replaced all of those savings with a note saying she is really sorry that she lost the money. good parents.
we are almost to the top. the ride has been perfect. these girls are adorable. i can't believe how lucky i am for my day to greet me with something so awesome. the chairlift operator sees their little ski school vests and slows the chairlift down so i can help them off. the slightly quieter girl tells me they always do this for ski school. we all agree it is very nice of the chairlift operator. i ask them how many times they have gotten off a chairlift. many. i ask them if that means they are really good at it. "mhmm." "yes, but not always"--that is the one i had to lift up onto the chair, and i figure the one i might need to help getting off. the chair lift operator steps out and says "Little Reindeer go right." he is mostly talking to me. we get to the point where we have to get off. the girl to my right does a great job. the girl to my left--the one who is thinking that tomorrow she might get both presents from santa clause AND a dollar from the toothfairy!--stands up from the chair, but does not know how to move forward. the chair touches her behind and she looks worried about not moving forward away from the chair. i grab her and tell her "you're alright" and push off so that we both go forward down the ramp. this is all taking place in just a finger-full of seconds. i see ski instructors to my left, as well as other little kids in these Little Reindeer vests. i figure going left is fine; that way the girl who is doing it all by herself to my right has plenty of room. this was kind of an intense moment. i questioned my ability to do it for a second. i have to pick this girl up and go down this ramp, i have to watch the girl to my right to make sure she is doing fine by herself, and i have never helped a kid off the lift before. it goes well. so i direct us left towards this group i've spotted out of the corner of my eye. soon as we get to the instructor, i let her go.
as i am slowly skiing away, i tell the girl i helped down the ramp, "have a good rest of the day, ok?" but she does not respond. i figure she is meeting up with her buddies and the ski instructors; they are probably supposed to do specific things once they get off the lift so no one gets lost. no problem, my time with them is done and it was great. but i keep on looking back as i slowly ski away to make sure they are ok. the girl i helped off and dropped off in the little ski group looks concerned. maybe she even says, "wait." not directly to me, just to life. she is not in the right spot. she is supposed to be to the right on the ramp (only 10 feet away). the fucking ski instructor should have been able to help her from there, but i see her crossing infront the ramp by herself as other people are getting off and skiing down it--making an obstacle course for this worried little girl. i am already way too far away to help. by the time i could take off my skies and get to her, she'd already be where she needs to be. fuck me. i was trying so hard to make them as comfortable as possible. i'm sure this ski instructor had his hands full, but what the fuck. this little girl should be priority.
so that is how i left the otherwise perfect situation.
why is this torturing me? because experiences like that are all i really care about in life. a perfect moment can hold me for a long time. something to think about when i close my eyes in attempt to leave stressful, imperfect, dull life for a moment. to escaper the claustrophobia of real life. and the opportunity to be part of someone great's life--these little girls were amazing. to make their day a little better. to leave a good memory in their head, one that i am involved in. the end is always so hard to maintain. and as often happens, this one was fucked up in the end.
or so i feel like. i mean she got where she needed to be. we three had a really fun conversation on the chairlift ride. the lack of a final goodbye is not terrible, getting of the chairlift is pretty consuming for a little kid. it's just that she had to cross the ramp by herself. that she looked worried about it. that i left her there like that.
i have no idea how big of a big deal any of this was to any of them. but it did not have to be a big deal. just something small and perfect. i have no idea if she felt like i abandoned her there. she did need my help for one more moment, and i wasnt there. i thought the fucking ski instructor had it from there.
so now i fear that her memory of me and the moment is tainted. as well as the actual moment truly being tainted. and i do not know to what point i am unnecessarily torturing myself. maybe everything went fine. maybe her having to cross the ramp by herself was just fine. i do not know to what extent my memory is reliable and to what extent i am twisting things. the "wait" is a perfect example; i am not even sure she said that. and to what degree she looked nervous and to what degree i was just nervous for her and that is twisting my memory of her reaction. i was not nearly as worried about it then as i have grown to be over the day. at first, i was thrilled. what an amazing start to the day. what i am worried about is 20 seconds in an otherwise perfect 10 minutes. but it was the last 20 seconds, and the end is always so important to me. but that 20 seconds has grown to consume it all. like i said, it is moments like this that make my life bearable. a grain of beauty in the mess of my life. but what should be a great gift to me from life, has me drinking and taking benzos (i try so hard to keep my tolerance to benzos down, as i need them to not go insane from the crushing claustrophobia of being trapped in life). i dont know what degree the wrong is in my head. maybe it really was a great moment? it sure felt life it.
i do this all the time. torture myself over one amiss detail in an otherwise great experience. i'm so worried about what this girl thinks of me. that in her memory, she remembers most how it was my job to make sure she ended up where she was supposed to be, and i failed her. that she might think i just skied away and left her there. that i did not do everything i could to make this girls life as perfect as possible in the small area i was given the gift of having an influence.
i need these moments to get through the drudgery of the rest of it. instead, they often end up a sharp shard of pain in my mind. i've worried about it all day. thought of almost nothing else. i know i must be obsessing. that this is not normal. but fuck normal. and i cannot know to what extent i am unnecessarily destroying a perfect moment in my mind, and how it really went in reality.
this moment is just one example of what i often do to myself. i met a girl in ibiza. she was wonderful. very pure. not rolling, but so full of life she had me fooled. but i was drunk and fucked up on E. i could not remember how we departed, and it tortured me for days. details are not necessary, but i thought maybe something i had said had hurt her. something i know i said. but i do not really remember her reaction. something that the logical part of me says was nothing, but the anxious, broken part of me can not let go. otherwise, it was perfect. i was depressed for days over it. maybe weeks.
well, now that i am reaching the end, i do not really have any conclusion. i just wish it could have been perfect. that i could have dropped her off exactly where she needed to be, or that the ski instructor could have payed more attention--smiled and greeted her and nodded to me to let me know she was in his/her care and things were fine.
the logical part of me tries to scream that the moment was great, and i have something to treasure. that both the girls memory of me is positive, and that i was lucky enough to have a positive impact on their day.
the other part of me, that seems to win, is so worried. almost hoping they forget about it all and that i could just force, drink, pill it out of my mind.
why do i have to destroy something so beautiful.
this is so long. sorry. the bottom few paragraphs are what i guess are most important; i just wanted to share more if it. i am not absolutely consumed with pain about it right now--as i have been for most of the day--because of the ativan, but i imagine it will be an intense hurt again in future moments of reflection and obsession.
thank you, anyone who reads this or any part of it.
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