• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I don't want to live anymore..

w0w0mg

w0w0mg

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 4, 2015
Messages
848
Location
In Jail, NC
It is 2:30AM and I have not been able to get a wink of sleep.
I am filled with anger and miserable, with hopelessness.
I am a failure. I am literally considering doing a hot shot.
My girlfriend is asleep and I'mthinking about locking the bathroom door,
filling 2 grams in one syringe and just blasting off to oblivion.
I can't do it anymore. I am a lost cause. I'm crying, not trying to wake up my girlfriend.
I don't deserve to live. I ruin everyones life, including my own. I know the world would
be a much better place without me. No matter how hard I try to stay clean - I relapse.
I am tired and beat down. This addiction is just too strong for me.
These benzo wtihdrawals and opiate withdrawals were just too mcuh for me.
I just don't see any future anymore.
I love all of you and I'm so sorry that I let you all down.
I am just not strong enough to overcome this disease.
I just want to sleep forever.
I am welcoming death, I am welcoming the end.
I just am too far down the rabbit hole, and I have hit my rock bottom.
I will never be normal, I will never be successful.
I am just a loser. I am just a junkie.
 
Don't think like that, I went to a 28 year old friends funeral this weekend. She shot herself in the head. I think the price of suicide is not hell. I think they are at peace and out of pain, but the people they leave behind suffer in a terrible way. It's a bad legacy to leave on your descendants or would be descendants.
Take one step forward everyday. Keep moving forward, if you fall back, get up and do it again. Have your vices, but get your mind right.
 
What's the point anymore?
I have been trying to get clean for so long, and I always relapse.
I was starting to feel better too and then all of a sudden I get offered some free heroin.
Instead of saying no, KNOWING that it will just end up me starting the vicious cycle completely over,
I took the heroin and IV'd it.
I can't do this anymore. There is no point in living if I'm just going to ruin relationships, and never be successful.
I am so tired.. I just can't take it anymore..
 
You said to me on Sober living only yesterday: "You slipped up - No worries. I slipped up 20890438938329842398430983209 times but I still havent given up hope. I have pretty much detoxed off heroin (IV), and I had 2 little relapses but it only set me back a day." This is just a set back. Wake up your girlfriend and talk to her. She would want you to do so. Call someone who loves you. Vent it out here. You are not just a loser and a junkie. You are - from what little I know about you from here - a good and loving person.
 
My girlfriend doesn't know about my relapse - IF she found out she would go mental. She doesn't even want me to take kratom.
She really doesn't understand how addiction works, for she doesn't do any drugs. She thinks I should be able to just stop and be fine.
It's hard to explain the situation to her. If she found out I was IVing heroin our relationship would be over.
I don't know what to do.. It's 4:19AM and I have not slept.. I can't because I have no more benzos besides Librium which isn't touching my benzo WDs.
The heroin is keeping me awake, and I just want to sleep so bad.. I am so scared though if I go to bed I will wake up dope sick all over again.
This is pure hell. It's insanity. I am so scared because my PO appointment is in a couple of days and I can't fail this drug test or I am going back to prison.
 
I would not be in a relationship with a person who would not accept me as I am, but this is definitely not the right time to discuss that. Could you spend the time you are going to be in withdrawals in a different apartment from your girlfriend? Make some excuse? If that drug test is in a couple of days, it might be clean if you don't do any more heroin before that. If you can't sleep, do something else that keeps your mind occupied. If nothing else, just try to bare. Minute to minute. Hour to hour. You know how it is with benzo WDs and being dope sick. You survived it before. You will survive it this time too. I will listen if you wanna talk. I'll have to go get my children from the park though soon. It's noon here.
 
I just don't understand why I relapsed again. I was starting to feel so much better than all of a sudden I get a call from a "friend" offering me free heroin, and I go 110mph and meet up with him and use. Now I am sure I set my self back all over again, I do this everytime. I will be clean for like 5 days then end up using for a day and then repeat. It's never ending.. idk what to do.. I cant do this anymore... I cant....
 
I know it's hard to believe right now but things can get better, you can escape this.

I've been through lots of times in my life where the pain and despair was so bad I wanted to kill myself. I tried to go through with it once. Despite how sure I've been at the time, just by continuing to exist eventually something has come along to make me glad I survived that long.

If you want, you're more than welcome to pass the time talking to me, my Skype account is listed to the left or you can just PM me here. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like and being told I'm a junkie loser. Like you I'm a heroin addict, like you I have a bf who doesn't have any problems with drugs or my kinda background and doesn't understand what it's like for people like us. I've been through a lot of what you have. I don't know about you but just having someone to talk to has helped me a lot.

Please dont give up, there's always a way out we just can't always see it. Add me on Skype or PM my account here if you need someone to talk too.
 
Hey w0womg. Dont be so miserable, and sure as hell dont meet up with that "friend" again.In my opinion heroin is the worst drug i have never tryed it never planing on you fucked up so what we all do once a while thats not the reasson to hate your self.Heroin is pretty bad so i heard when you try it once you must do it twice.try to stay clean use metadon and tramadol it will be all good :D
 
guilt is worthless..u need to let go of the regret because it's like a debt u can never repay..u can't beat yourself up, who would turn down free dope when their ill? No one..it's okay to relapse it's not a failure just a pause button on the way to success
 
Heroin is a beast. You have triple stress since you are upset you relapsed, hiding iv drug use from your girlfriend and have a PO. Choose to pull yourself out of despair. One step at a time, start small. More truth, step back from drug users, lean on people who support you, not those that enable you. I hate heroin, being in a relationship with a heroin addict is like being #2. No matter how deeply they love you, the heroin/opiates are the #1
 
I really hate to see you going through this. Your problems may seem impossible to overcome, but suicide is not the answer. Try to take control one step at a time. First, get rid of the heroin. Delete every drug contact from your phone. Call that rehab in Wilmington and see if they have any beds open. Your freedom is at risk and it seems the heroin relapse is adding to your despair making it harder to break away from it.

I think I told you this is another thread, but this happened to my son when he violated and he had two open cases. The judge allowed him rehab in lieu of jail. Contact your P.O. and tell them that you need to get back into that rehab. Being honest might be helpful to show them that you're trying to do the right thing. You have to keep them informed of what's happening in your life. Don't wait, do it now.
 
^^^THIS^^^ Just my opinion, but anyone who offers you heroin is NOT your friend. Please listen to the above posts and know that you have the support to quit HERE.

I think TC is spot on with contacting your P.O. to get you into rehab.

You are fortunate to have a non-user who loves you, WW. DO this for you. DO this for her. You can!
 
Just be patient and make it through the withdrawals and pick up where you left off. The trick is to stay sober for a year and make it past the past acute withdrawals and make huge changes in your life. A relapse isn't a failure but the withdrawals and post acute withdrawals will have you in a horrible place mentally that makes it so much easier to just give in and wallow in misery. You have to make peace with your past, be open and honest with your friends and loved ones and if they react badly then you can't own that.

Shit feels bad now and it will feel bad for awhile until your brain heals. Remove yourself from any situation where you can relapse. Don't go anywhere near people who do benzos or heroin because you set yourself up for failure. Get clean again and make those changes that will help you stay clean. If you have childhood trauma issues or guilt from things you have done, ways you have acted in the past then confront them. Learn from them and possibly go to therapy.
 
Addiction is impossible to beat unless you have something you are working towards. Every one needs a goal and a sense of purpose. With that and A LOT of exercise, and the right psychiatric medicine i truly believe you could find happiness. Learn to meditate also.

I wish you the best of luck. Dont give up.
 
Thank you everyone for the replies and advice.
I was just having a mental breakdown when I posted this.
I am doing better now. Not feeling suicidal anymore.
I am still going withdrawals but have not given up.
The depression really really really gets to me some times, and I tend to go off the deep end!

Much love to you all
 
w0w0mg said:
Thank you everyone for the replies and advice.
I was just having a mental breakdown when I posted this.
I am doing better now. Not feeling suicidal anymore.
I am still going withdrawals but have not given up.
The depression really really really gets to me some times, and I tend to go off the deep end!

Much love to you all
Click to expand...

We understand, withdrawal can magnify the stress 100 times. Like the worlds falling apart, its a good thing u came here. Now u can see better days :)
 
You've done mmt before right? Was it not better than the life you have now? If you can't do it on your own why not go back on mmt? Its got to be better than this? Not a perfect solution but it would be a start.
 
I agree with you there - I just don't know if I would be able to afford the MMT here. They are wanting 100$+ a week.
 
Bro. I just started opiates. I quit benzos because they're the most addictive. Look, drugs doesn't ruin you life.

If you aren't rich, work for it. You have a girl friend. I don't even have a mom who loves me.

My dad left me when I was 10. I am addicted to tramadol but I don't want to kill myself.

I go to school, I work hard to get good grades. I failed 11th grade because I was an alcoholic. I quit alcohol and went to pharmaceuticals, like tramadol. Helps me focus and I believe I'm doing great.

Look if you quit drugs your depression increases and you become suicidal. Try to live, make money, take your girl friend out, get her a ring, build up true love, your girl friend deserves a good you, she loves you, your no use to her dead. Take drugs responsibly, and concentrate on your job/getting a good job.

There's so much to live for in life. Don't waste it away.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top