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I don't want to get hurt, but it seems like it's too good to be true :/

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,004
Warning: TL;DR. Sorry about that. I very much appreciate you if you read this whole thing lol.

I feel like I might be sabotaging my relationship, and I don't know how to stop. However, it just all feels like it's too good to be true. I have always had THE WORST luck with relationships. I always get bailed on, or cheated on, or treated like shit in general. It's not even just boyfriends, but anyone I've ever been close to has always hurt me in the worst ways. Once I start to care about someone, it's like it's a requirement for them to fuck me over in some way. Needless to say, I have some serious trust issues.

Enter my boyfriend. We met in rehab a few weeks ago, and I've fallen for him hard, and fast. And according to him, he feels the same way. I know what you're thinking: that it's way too soon. And the thing is, I know that. It's one of the biggest reasons for my insecurity in this relationship. And trust me when I say that I have been resisting these feelings from day one. Like, I refused to show my feelings for him AT ALL until he got up the courage to admit it to me first... haha oh man, did I give him a chase in that aspect! And even now, that he has admitted to his feelings, I can tell I've been utilizing this subconscious defense mechanism that I do... kind of like I try to push them away before they can do it to me. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain. Anyway, it usually works quite well. But this guy... he's not going anywhere, no matter WHAT I do. We've gotten into small fights, sure, and there was even one thing I did that almost made me lose him completely, but of course it took him all of five minutes to forgive me. I mean, he's stuck by me regardless of my mistakes and my insecurities.

Another thing, he treats me SO WELL. He's constantly complimenting me, telling me how he feels about me, telling OTHER people how he feels about me, etc. Plenty of people have told me, "I can tell he cares about you a lot." He's told his mom about me. He's respectful towards my parents, even though he hasn't met them yet. He does little things to show he cares, like playing those little claw machine games until he wins me a stuffed animal... not because I asked him to, but just because he thought of me. Or he'll bring me water, or candy, or a jacket when I'm cold. One time when I was feeling sick, I laid my head down on the table... and he actually got up, came back with a towel, and cleaned the table off so I wasn't laying my head down on a dirty table! He always does a bunch of little things like that, just because. His face lights up whenever he sees me, even though we'd see each other ALL day because we lived together at that rehab. He would text me even when I'm sitting right next to him, and he would text me good morning and good night every day. And now that I've left the rehab and he's still there, he wants to talk to me all day - either through text or on the phone.

I'm the type of person where this kind of behavior usually annoys me. Every other relationship I've been in, the second a guy started doing even a fraction of this (and trust me when I say that no guy has ever even treated me THIS well before), it would annoy me and I'd be outta there. It always just seemed like clinginess. But with this guy, it just seems sweet and it makes me really happy. It makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world. Plus, he's fucking HOT and an amazing kisser. The whole package, quite literally. We haven't slept together yet, but I know that will be amazing too. Needless to say, as hard as I tried not to, I couldn't NOT fall for the guy. And he says he feels the same way. He's always been a long-term relationship kind of guy, I think he's only had three girlfriends and they've always been 3 or more years. And they've never ended because of anything he did. One was because she cheated and was a bitch to him (I know this for a fact because we ran into her at the store and she was a bitch indeed)... and the last one, who he was actually engaged to... ended because of an unfortunate incident that was out of anyone's hands. The other day he told me: "I'm done with 3 and 4 year bullshit. I want long-term with you. Like, forever." He talks about our future together a lot. Travelling, getting our own place one he's out of rehab, having kids, etc. He claims he's in it for the long haul. And I can't picture spending the rest of my life with anyone else either. I don't WANT to. He gives me a reason to stay sober. He makes me feel like I can do anything I want to do with my life. He literally makes me a better person.

Sounds perfect, right? It IS perfect... and that's the problem. I REALLY don't want to lose him. I am happier than I've ever been and he really does make me feel like the luckiest girl in the entire universe. But I can't shake this feeling that it's TOO perfect. That someone could feel the same way about ME. That I don't deserve this level of happiness and devotion and love. I mean, what have I done to deserve him? I never thought I would get married or have kids or feel like this. I wasn't looking for it. At all. It just seemed too... easy. Like, I went into rehab to get sober. And I came out with sobriety AND a whole new, positive outlook on life AND the person I'm (hopefully) going to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess I'm asking for advice. Am I overthinking things? Is it really possible to be THIS lucky and THIS happy? Or am I just letting all the pain from my past get in my way and I've been too jaded to even realize that's what's happening? I feel like it's too soon, but at the same time I know fate works in mysterious ways. And also at the same time, I'm aware that if I'M capable of feeling this way so quickly, why shouldn't he be capable of the same thing? It just seems like it shouldn't be this easy... or something. I don't know. Clearly, I don't know the first thing about love. I thought I knew what love was, thought I've been in it before, but this is on a whole other level. And it's not drug-feuled love. It's not something that stemmed from alcohol or drugs or sex. It's the real deal. At least on my end. And if I really am so lucky, it's the real deal on his end too.

Fuck, Bluelight, I'm confused. I am, once again, letting my own insecurities get in the way of something amazing. What should I do? How can I just let my insecurities go and enjoy it? Even if it is only temporary, I at least want to enjoy it while it lasts. It doesn't seem temporary, but I don't know. AH there goes my self doubt again. Okay, I'm going in circles now.

Advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry for the novel length post.
 
I dunno brosephina. I think it sounds legit. It reminds me, of well, me and Ms.Gallium. Just the way you described his actions and words (even the small fights) sound like me how I treat her, and straight up, that's as legit of love as anyone can get.

So by induction, it sounds legit to me.
 
The only thing that would concern me (and this is from reading BL and not from experience) is if you guys get out together and one of you relapses, the relapser will bring down the other one.

As for the relationship, I would jump in and give it a go, but take it slowwwwwww. I don't think moving in together right after rehab is a good idea, but I think if you like him that you should go for dating and see where it leads.

When you feel like every guy cheats on you or leaves you, you have to ask yourself what kind of guys you are going for. Usually, there are red flags that people ignore when the guy is a POS. If they are there and you are ignoring them in the hopes that the guy is truly good, then, well you've got to listen to your gut. Always listen to your gut. ;)
 
From what you wrote, all your life you have been seeking relationships with people who are characteristically distant in emotives. There is something very telling about you in whom, "get's treated like shit" and would still put up with this behavior as the thought of someone leaving propells you to endure abusive behavior.

The crux of your patterns in a relationship is simply being re-defined, and you need to take a look specifically at your words and the whole problem of your post, "I don't want to lose him."

When someone is in a loving relationship, do you think that a person doesn't mind losing his or her partner? Everybody minds, but you can only control your actions and show yourself how available you are to him. Your former relationshisp seemed products by which you had no control of, and you worry is simply heightened in that your lack of control will cause a break up.

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference." - AA
 
EM touched on the problem.

You're not comfortable in a relationship paradigm where you are the one doted upon. It's actually very common among women, and happens among men as well.

From my experience, it can be difficult to change your relationship pattern without the attraction falling off. Certainly the physical attraction you have for him and the sexual tension you're sharing is keeping this relationship alive, but once that fades, you have to ask yourself whether you can handle being in a relationship where you're being treated this way.
 
I went into rehab to get sober. And I came out with the person I'm (hopefully) going to spend the rest of my life with.
Click to expand...
lol

get rid of him and concentrate on yourself. rehab relationships almost always end bad. are you looking for a relapse?
 
This probably won't help much, but: Do what you want to do; what you think or feel is the right choice. You only have one life, you must use it the way you want to. Do the thing you think or know will make you happy. Confidence will show you the path you must follow.
 
He is a WONDERFUL person. Easily the most decent guy I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I know it's the real deal, most definitely. He truly makes me a better person. I just let my insecurities get in the way sometimes. Yes, I have subconsciously selected pieces of shit guys in the past, and I ALWAYS get burned. I know that's where my own issues stem from. I've come to almost expect it. But I like to think that everything happens for a reason, and that the reason I got burned so many times is so that I would know how to recognize and accept real love when it came around and fully appreciate it. The funny thing is, I stopped looking for a relationship a while ago... I definitely had a wall up... and wouldn't you know, that's exactly when Mr. Right came around and completely caught me off guard and is breaking my wall down very quickly. He knows of my insecurities and past issues and is super patient with me about it. I never believed anyone before when they said, "You'll find it when you stop looking/least expect it" haha but now I understand! And one of the best parts about our relationship (not that I can just choose one) is that I can tell him when this happens, and he is always quick to reassure me and doesn't get tired of it... always tells me to tell him right away if I start feeling that way so he can squash any doubts. He hates it when I'm sad or upset. But me being sad or upset is a very rare thing indeed these days and much of the credit for that goes to him. :)

All in all, I've grown a lot more comfortable and secure since I wrote this. He proves to me more and more every day how much he loves me and I'm starting to understand that he really is not going anywhere. He wants a life with me just as much as I want one with him. He has never once disrespected me (or anyone else for that matter), been impatient with me, or anything bad. Quite the opposite actually. He does nothing but go out of his way for me. It's ALL good. And I reciprocate it as much as I possibly can. I might be insecure at times, but that doesn't mean I don't care for him wholeheartedly.

And to the person that said "lol rehab relationships never last"... I respect your opinion, but to be honest, you just sound like a cynic. There is no hard and fast rule for how love works. I don't care about other "rehab relationships". I care about mine. And last time I checked, love doesn't take the time or place into account - it happens when it happens, and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I would WANT to do about it. I consider rehab to be a place of hope and a place that gives people second chances at a good future, so I mean... why NOT rehab? Better for it to happen there than where we both were before we got there. I know that many rehab relationships don't last... fully aware of that. However, that is most definitely not the case here. Maybe him and I are the exception, not the rule. I don't see what the difference is between meeting the person you're supposed to spend your life with in rehab, or at a bar, or in a drug-fueled crack house, or at the beach, etc. etc. I know this sounds extremely cheesy and corny, but love can happen anywhere. Like I said, it has no regard for timing or place.

On that note... relapse is most definitely a valid concern. And I respect that too. But the risk of relapse is ALWAYS there with drug addicts, so does that mean that two drug addicts should never get the chance to enjoy love, ever? I know quite a few drug addict couples who are in very loving, happy, sober relationships. They are a small part of what encourages me that this is going to work. The risk is there whether it's a year into sobriety, two weeks, or two decades. I do appreciate the concern, straight up. But if it helps, I truly don't see that being an issue with us. Mostly because it's already come up. He made it very clear at the beginning when I was still having strong cravings that I needed to choose him or heroin, like, now. It wasn't much of a choice, really. And then one night I was at a very, VERY low point, when a bunch of really bad shit happened to me at once. I'm still early in my recovery, I didn't see any point in trying anymore, and the first thing I did was call my boyfriend and say, "Babe, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work. I'm going to relapse. I just don't care anymore, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, I just can't handle this shit sober." He didn't break up with me. He didn't say, "Hey, let me get in on that!" Instead, he said, "That's your choice and I can't stop you, just know that you're going to lose me and a lot of other people you care about, and who care about you, if you do this." And then he stayed on the phone with me and let me cry for the next four hours until I fell asleep. HE is the reason I didn't relapse that night, or the next morning, and haven't yet. He's the only person that was able to get through to me that night. He is very much the reason I am still sober, and he is NOT worth losing over a relapse. And on his end of things... I'm not worried about him relapsing. He has a very good reason not to. Without putting his shit on blast, because it's not my story to tell, just trust me when I say that he has a very very good reason to hate hard drugs and is straight up disgusted by it. He was already three months sober when he came into rehab, kicked heroin cold turkey on his own after a certain event happened, and didn't go back... he only went to rehab because drug court made him go... and anyways he's not even allowed to so much as drink for the next two years or he goes to jail. So. Relapse isn't an issue here. I mean, of course it's always a possibility, but it's a very small one in this case. If anything, we're good for each other in that regard.

Besides, why would we even need to relapse when we're both sooo happy where we're at? I've never been this happy in my life, or at least in a very long time, and neither has he. It's the kind of happiness that makes you want to be a better person, that makes you see the beauty in life, and that gives you the energy and motivation to reach your goals because you suddenly feel like you can do absolutely anything you put your mind to. That's not worth throwing away for ANY drug. We're going to have our ups and downs, and this isn't the first or last time I'm going to feel like this, but he's very positive about us and our future... and that, in turn, makes me feel positive about it. It doesn't even take much, all I have to do is tell him how I'm feeling, and he'll talk me through it and I feel reassured within minutes. My biggest problem I think is that I feel like I don't deserve all this happiness because no one has ever shown it to me before, and so it feels almost too good to be true. But we'll work it out. No relationship is perfect or without problems. Love should be easy, but not TOO easy! Besides if that's our biggest problem, is that I'm TOO happy... well hell, I could get used to that. haha.

Thanks for all the responses, guys. Through talking to him, and reading your responses, I really do feel much better now! And this is why I love Bluelight. :) <3
 
Thank you :) I think it's rather amazing that I'm still sober too. I didn't honestly think I'd be able to do it when I went into rehab. But I had no idea of knowing that I would leave that place with having gained so much, and having so much to live for, and so much to lose. It's nice to have things to lose again!

And he IS amazing... he always goes out of his way to make me feel better when I'm upset and shit. And he'll text me in the middle of the night if he wakes up for whatever reason to get water or something, just to tell me he loves me, before he goes back to sleep. Ahhh he makes me SO fucking HAPPY! I love that kid to death. I never thought much about marriage or kids, and if I did, it was just to be like, "Fuck that I'm not doing any of that until I'm at least 30!" But with him I actually get excited at the idea of it. He can't wait to have kids, he like loves them. haha it's cute. That's very rare in a guy, I love it. We were talking about it the other day and he said he'd be ready to start a family with me in a year. I kind of hope he just meant getting married though, I don't think I'll be ready to have kids that soon. It was cute that he already had it all planned out though haha. But me personally, I'm good whether it happens in a year from now or two years from now, I'm not worried about it... I'm not in any rush either, I know it will happen eventually! I'm completely happy and content being where we're at right now.

It's an incredible feeling, by the way, when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you really fall in love... like for real, forever love. It completely changed my outlook on life and my attitude. Like, everything just seems so much brighter and more positive now, I have more energy, more confidence, I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, and I just have more love to give everyone around me in general. Love truly does make the world go round! That's all that matters in the end. It sounds so cheesy and corny haha but it's true. I never thought it would feel THIS good! He really does make me a better person. Meeting him changed my life, straight up... and in a good way! A GREAT way, actually.

Sorry I just went off on a tangent there lol he just makes me so ridiculously incredibly happy, I love talking about him. I love being in love! haha what can I say... I'm like a little kid with her first crush or something...
 
I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I think this is a bad idea.
There is a reason you BOTH are in rehab, to work on yourselves, you BOTH have alot of issues, that need to be dealt with before you can have a serious, sucessful relationship.
Do you really believe that these feelings won't manifest themselves in another way in this relationship?
You really need to be focusing on yourself.
Not to be a pessimist, but in many of these situations, there are hidden motives.
-And trust me, there is a huge possibility of me being wrong, because I don't know either of you in depth, but from the surface, that's what I see.
I mean, what is your history with men? What type of guys do you date, What are you attracted to?
Also, how long will this truly last.
I'm sorry, I'm just concerned for both of your well being, but especially yours.
 
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This post is definitely TLDR... just a fair warning lol.

Aw thank you, your concern is very much appreciated! No need to apologize :) Everything you brought up are things I have definitely already considered, very early on in our relationship too. At times I do still get insecure and worry about it, just because I DO know how these things usually work out... but I like to think that we are the exception instead of the rule. In fact one of the reasons I am so confident about us is because I was so acutely aware of the stigma of starting a relationship in rehab. I’m not one to go to rehab centers looking for an easy relationship, the way some girls do. Trust me, neither of us were looking for it when we went into this place, quite the opposite actually. I don’t know about him, but I was resisting it from day one lol. I tried soo hard to stop my feelings at first. But call it fate or whatever... I don't know... our feelings for each other developed completely parallel to one another without either of us even realizing that's how the other one felt, at least until it was impossible to hide anymore. It was just bound to happen. We just never wanted to be another rehab statistic. But honestly, our feelings for each other kind of creeped up on both of us when we least expected it. No force, no seeking it out. It just kind of... happened. We didn’t even make it official, or tell each other “I love you”, until after I left! I promise, we took it as slowly as we possibly could... well, as slow as you can take it when you’re living together, spending ALL day everyday together, and learning new things about each other every single day from being in groups or just talking or whatever. It’s kind of hard to take it slow in that situation, but we tried I promise lol. I think a big part of it is that we knew we were stuck with each other for a while, and we didn’t want it to be awkward or affect our sobriety in case something went wrong.

As far as our sobriety goes, drugs are staying in our pasts. I am very confident about that. He straight up can't do it because of drug court. I can do it, I just don’t want to, because I know I will lose him forever if I do. My relapsing or cheating are the two things he’s made very clear he absolutely will not tolerate. It's just not worth it to me. Two conditions of his probation are that he can’t associate with anyone that uses, and he can’t even have so much as alcohol in his house. As you might or might not know, we are planning on living together once he’s out (two months from now). So, I can’t even smoke weed anymore if I want to be with him, and I’m actually okay with that! I MUST love him, because I'm not about to do that for just anyone that’s for sure haha... I love weed. But HE is very much worth it to me. <3

My history with men... has been pretty eclectic to be honest. I suppose it depends on my DOC and where I was at in my life at the time. I mean I've dated anyone from the alcoholic Marine (both the chill and happy kind and the angry kind), to the scumbag heroin dealer, to the perpetual stoner, to the spun out gangbanger, to the hardcore raver, to the naive and innocent (which I may or may not have corrupted, but it's okay because he totally liked it) maybe-have-a-drink-once-per-month virgin. Some ended badly, others didn't. Some I'm still pretty good friends with, others I will never trust again. Some relationships were healthy (or could have been if I hadn't been on drugs), others were completely toxic. So it's kind of hard for me to base my relationship with my boyfriend off of my past ones. Because I guess I don't have a type or a pattern that I follow, but also because I've never been in a relationship sober before. This is my first one, and I'm still getting used to it and still learning.

Not only that, but my boyfriend is SO different from ANY guy I've ever dated, even met for that matter! He treats me better than even the guys in my life who are just friends! He's so well-rounded... and to me he is perfect. He's athletic, was the typical high school quarterback, and he is STILL obsessed with football - it's like his life lol - and played baseball too, plus he loves working out and running and being active. He's intelligent - graduated high school with honors then studied at one of the best universities in the area. He's got goals, is ambitious, and a hard worker. He doesn't do anything halfway or half-assed. He is extremely family-oriented and is always talking highly of his mother, his sister, and his grandma. He's extremely respectful, not only towards me but also towards people in general, and especially authority figures... and he is VERY respectful towards the women who raised him, which says a hell of a lot about the way a guy will treat girls he dates. He is fiercely protective of his sister also. He is always doing small things for me that show me he cares, basically treating me like a princess and just making me feel really special in general. I hardly ever doubt his feelings for me, and he is always very quick to reassure me whenever I have felt that way... seriously, two minutes of talking to him and everything is 110% better. He actually CARES about the way I feel and offers up advice, and he trusts me enough to confide in me about his problems as well. The few arguments we've gotten into (due to my tendency to be impulsive), he is always the one to diffuse them. He's very logical and SO chill. I can never stay mad at him for too long after talking to him. And I'm going to be shallow for a minute - he is sooo freaking hot... and sexy... haha. We haven't slept together yet, but I know that will be amazing too. He is an AMAZING kisser though. He also cooks really well. He's just absolutely perfect to me, and it is hands down the healthiest and most loving relationship I have ever been in. I can't say enough good things about him, I just love everything about him.

But I am focusing on myself, most definitely, we both are. He's doing his thing in rehab, I'm doing my thing here, and then we're doing our thing together! We've talked about kids and marriage and all that stuff, and we want to do that, but we're going to wait. We already have it figured out: live together for a while first, get started with school and work, then in a year from now (he says 8-9 months but I think a year seems more realistic) we can start making plans to get married, and then have kids maybe a year or so after that. He can't wait to have kids. He's going to be a great father and husband when the time comes. But we both agree that it's important for us to be stable in every possible way before bringing kids into it!

So... yeah! We're doing everything the way it should be done in a normal relationship, I think. It's not even like we're actively trying to be "different" or whatever... we are just doing whatever makes us happy and whatever we both feel comfortable with at any given moment, there is no pressure at all. At least not anymore, now that I've left the rehab and we don't have to completely hide our feelings anymore! haha it turns out they knew the whole time though, I guess they always ask him how I'm doing and when he goes out to look for a job or whatever they'll ask if I'm going to be there... I have NO idea how they figured it out! Unless they're creeping on my Facebook or something lol idk I sooo wouldn't put it past them! Damn though all that work at trying to keep our hands off of each other, and having any conversations about "us" as far away from everyone and as quietly as possible, all for nothing! They always knew! WTF :o Ahh sorry for that tangent, I do that a lot lol. Moral of the story?! I have a really good feeling about us and I think it's going to work. It's working right now and that's what matters :)

Most of the relationships I've seen start in rehab have gone like this: Boy meets girl, and vice versa. Boy and girl find each other attractive. Boy and girl decide to have sex. The combination of dopamine and oxytocin and endorphins and all those other good chemicals being released from sex and closeness to another human being, of the brain latching on to any easy fix it can find after it's drugs are taken away, and of the confusion in general/somewhat detachment from reality that comes along with getting sober due to the body and brain being out of whack as they are readjusting... they essentially become "addicted" to each other. And so they are boyfriend/girlfriend by the next day. A week or so later they are engaged... aaand the relationship generally ends within a week after that... maybe two weeks if they're lucky! Oh and then somewhere in there, they usually relapse together too. Not ALL of the time, but... you know. Most rehab romances have a life cycle of about 2 weeks, possibly a month (again if they're lucky!), before the point in which they burn themselves out and realize, "Oh shit, I actually don't even like this person, like, AT ALL?!" Howeverr this is not the case with my boyfriend and I thank God. We didn't even make it official or say "I love you" until I left... if anything the distance made us closer somehow, if that was even possible! It was torture having to pretend we didn't care for each other as much as we did to begin with haha. We haven't even slept together yet, despite the fact that there have been ample opportunities. Just hasn't been the right time since a bed hasn't been available... neither of us want our first time sleeping together to be anywhere besides in a bed... because it's more special that way and also because we need ample room to play! hehe. And we definitely aren't getting engaged right away, even though we could... we are most definitely in love with each other and we both seem to be pretty secure in the fact that we don't want to spend forever with anyone else. There's very little risk of either of us relapsing, if any risk at all, and on the off chance it was going to happen it would be one or the other and we would go our separate ways at that point... certainly NOT together. AND I can see us lasting much, much longer than 2-3 weeks. Hell we already HAVE lasted longer than that lol.

At the end of the day though, honestly, I can't say for sure how long it will TRULY last, because I can't tell the future. I know what's up on my side of things - I'm not going anywhere - but I am well aware that he could get over it tomorrow. You just really never know. So idk... maybe it will be forever. I'd like it to be. But then again, maybe not - either one of our feelings could change without notice and the other one would just have to deal with it. But as of right now, we are very much in love, and we are both happy and sober... and that is all that matters at this very moment. <3 :)

And I am SO SORRY again for the long ass post haha I really could talk about him all day! I'm like a little kid with her first crush hahaha it is sooo lame... but it feels amazing! hehe.

@Lysis: We actually worked that out haha we can't stay mad at each other very long... one of us is always too quick to reassure the other and then we're back to being all annoyingly lovey-dovey lol <3
 
I am really glad that things are going so well for y'all. I don't believe that all relationships that start in rehab are automatically doomed to fail....I hope you guys are a success story!

I guess the things that stick out as red flags to me are these:

When you talk about your own sobriety, it is in terms of him. You say that you will stay clean because he would not tolerate otherwise. That he can't associate with anyone who uses, etc etc. Why is it all about him? If he vanishes, do you have the same burning desire to stay sober for yourself? I hope you do!

The other thing that is a little strange is how fast everything seems to be moving. You have not known each other long at all, or even independent of a rehab setting, yet you are already mentioning true love, moving in together and spending the rest of your lives together. What is the rush? Most successful relationships that I know took time to develop.

Hell, you don't even truly know each other in terms of the people you are becoming. You don't even know yourselves yet, tbh. As you both slowly realize your "sober" selves and develop this new person you are realizing, you will have to redefine your relationship with each other. This is ultimately a good thing. It seems like you are putting unnecessary pressure that this guy is the one, that you will be together forever....what is the big rush? Take some time to really get to know each other, go on dates and give yourselves time to work on the individual as well as the relationship. If the people in the relationship are strong, then the relationship has a better chance of being strong.

I really hope it works out for you, but I hope you will step back and really take some things into consideration as well.
 
Well, what I fear is for your emotional stability, it's no coincidence that you ended up in rehab. You are supposed to work on yourself.
I as others, truly fear, that your sobriety, if for the wrong reasons, may fail you if this guy isn't indeed what you see him to be.

That being said, it looks like you plan on moving on in the relationship.
All I can say is , take it slow. Keep yourself reserved. Emotionally and physically.
As others have said, I don't think that relations in rehab and bound to fail, it just throws up many red flags.

Please be safe, continue to put your needs in front, regardless of how you 'feel' about this guy.
Don't use him as a crutch, I know that when I was in rehab, I had a lot of feelings that I had been pushing down for a while, and made
a few unhealthy relationships in rehab (also made some AMAZING friendships in rehab). So, I can say , I know that there are both great, and horrible people in rehab.
Just please, please, please, be careful, keep your distance.

How long have you known this guy?
Do you think moving in , 2 months from now is fast?
And yes, many times people get together in rehab for sex, as you mentioned, but
I would also imagine there would be some underlying psychological issues.
Most all relationship are 'addiction' as you mentioned.
Some studies have been done showing that when two people, who are very intimate with each other, split up,
they experience a true withdrawal.. This could just be replacing one addiction for another, but hey , the lesser of two evils right ? ;)


What does this guy do in his spare time?
Does he work? Have hobbies? Friends? Is he active?
Do you know his history with women? How he treats them? What do his friends say of him? What does his family think?
Is this really what sober you wants? Do you know who Sober you even is?

Well, I wish you the best of luck, keep on your path to sobriety, I hope that this guy is truly what you believe him to be.
I wish you both the best of luck if you do decide to move in this direction. Please continue to check back with us and let us know how things are going.
 
I never understood why girls date losers and then bitch and moan when they get fucked over. I'm def not saying this guy is a loser but it sounds like previous relationships u could've been dating all the wrong kinds of men. This guy may be a wonderful guy and u may have a happy life together but I would take it extremely slow because like others have said u were both in rehabs for a reason. Not all guys that are in rehabs are scum. I've been in a couple of em many years ago and I'm a great catch! Lol but give yourselves some time to adapt to the outside world and sobriety before u take this relationship to the next level.
 
The red flags for me are that A) they've talked about marriage and kids when they don't know each other outside of rehab. Rehab isn't real life, so things tend to change when the bills start coming in... I'm very curious who is initiating the marriage and kids thing. Men usually think with their heads and he seems to be that way since he lied to her about minor things to have some time to himself. This tells me he is being rational about the situation and trying to take a step back. It seems odd to me that he would also initiate talk of kids and marriage, which is very whimsical and fast. Men usually run for the hills when women start off a relationship talking about kids and marriage. lol

The other issue is that there seems to be a lot of clingy type validation on her side. Could be him too, I realize, but there is too much analysis on just "does he really love me?" or "why did he do <insert minor little thing> and not see me?" on her side. This seems to have led to him backing away, which I know I would do as well since it's only been 2 weeks. But, men don't usually do that stuff...it's women who are the main perps on this issue.

I just think the guy should be left alone and put the ball in his court and wait until he at least gets out of rehab.
 
Lysis said:
The only thing that would concern me (and this is from reading BL and not from experience) is if you guys get out together and one of you relapses, the relapser will bring down the other one.

As for the relationship, I would jump in and give it a go, but take it slowwwwwww. I don't think moving in together right after rehab is a good idea, but I think if you like him that you should go for dating and see where it leads.

When you feel like every guy cheats on you or leaves you, you have to ask yourself what kind of guys you are going for. Usually, there are red flags that people ignore when the guy is a POS. If they are there and you are ignoring them in the hopes that the guy is truly good, then, well you've got to listen to your gut. Always listen to your gut. ;)
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Im sorry but I just can't agree with that last sentence. It goes both ways sometimes its the guy cheater gets bored or w/e and sometimes its the girl. If "every" guy she's been with has cheated or bailed maybe its time to take a look at one's self.

A girl i dated awhile back said something similiar to that and "now" I realize it wasn't the guys but it was her. Even after trying to be nice and ending on good terms she dumped me into that category during the break up. Tho Her extreme clinginess/damn near stalking attitude Had nothing to do with the break up for her atleast lol.
 
^ It takes some experience and people skills to get a good gut feeling about someone. I've been in the same position where the dude has told me why/how he last broke up with his last girlfiend and then, after dating him, I realized that it was him and not her and that the story was way off the charts. I think that is normal for most people who have been in our situation.

However, in my experience, there were red flags regardless. You need some experience in the dating world to see them, and I am guilty of making stupid decisions and ignoring red flags, but they were there regardless.

I'll use my current situation as an example and I've talked about on here. Dude moves in and tells me his dad gave him a book when he was younger on how to be a millionaire. Tells me that it scarred him and now he doesnt' like to talk about money at all. My gut told me that it's off and if you're a responsible person who has either lived with someone or lived on your own, money is just something you have to talk about. You can't get around it. Didn't listen to my gut on that one.

Then, he tells me that his ex-GF said to him a few times "What are you going to do for money?" after he lost his job 2 years ago. He used that as an example of her being a gold digger. Again, my gut said "hmm that's not right...that sounds like a reasonable question." Didn't listen to it.

Now, he's here and I realize that he's just a bum who doesn't want to work. Yeah, he makes enough money for his stuff and to give me $300, but when he moved in, he never gave me a dime for almost a year until I told him I'm about to kick him out. Never paid me back for any of it and told me he paid for groceries so he thought it was OK not to pay for rent. Total loser, basically, and the signs were there. I just didn't listen to my gut.

But, to pick up on that stuff, it takes a little bit of experience. I can give numerous examples of red flags and sometimes I cut the relationship short or sometimes I ignored them, because I just had fun with the guy. Regardless, there are ALWAYS signs.
 
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