Mental Health I don't want to die...but I don't want to live like this either...

[Flynnal]

Ok, so the last few weeks of my life has been torn up by a major event, and I thought I was not going to make it...but now I'm just feeling terribly flat, with random crying episodes where I just feel hopeless and like I have no future, or at least a future that will be plagued by painful and difficult emotions. I thought crying would help heal me, and it certainly helped to a point, but now I'm just here asking myself where to go or what to do.

I'm just feeling absolutely horrible, and like there is no point in suffering like this any further. It's just this constant fearful, nightmarish existence...once the crying stops it's like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank emotion-wise where I can't feel a fucking thing, and they say that this is actually the worst emotion - the one where you can't actually feel any emotion, it's like an ice cold dark empty space.

I want to do something just to feel something, if you know what I mean. Honestly I would do anything to feel at least something. It seems as though a part of me has died and I'm terrified that I'm never going to get that part of me back.

I don't know what to do. Please help me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey @Flynnal _ I’ve been reading your posts with interest over the last few days and appreciate that you checked in on me in the Mental Health thread. As mentioned in an earlier post I wasn’t sure how to engage with your posts or what you wanted out of BL, but this post makes it much clearer.

From reading your posts and learning that you are on welfare and the NDIS I suspect you must have a chronic health condition. Is that a physical or mental condition, I wasn’t quite clear about that but regardless it is clear you are going through a very mentally difficult time right now. BL is here to help and support you as far as possible (and as far as you want to help yourself too). One thing I noticed from your post is that you have a very low and suspicious attitude towards the government, the health system and doctors. That is actually not that unusual around here but I think most people who are in recovery from either mental health problems or substance problems would acknowledge that they needed to let their guard down and work with other people to facilitate their own wellness. This does not have to be the state health services, it could be NA or AA as mentioned in another post if that is your primary concern - although AA and NA are not really equipped (and sometimes can be dismissive of) major mental health issues. They usually recommend getting those mental health problems sorted out to a degree before trying to work the program.

Based on your posts again, it seems to be that your anger and suspicion towards health professionals is going to be a barrier to you getting the kind of help and support you really need. Again, I don’t know what your issues or diagnosis are, but if they are serious enough to warrant your being on the NDIS they must be significant to severe in nature. I noticed also that your anger and hostility might extend to your parents and family. Again, I don’t know the history there, but it also narrows down the list of people who might be able to provide you with the care and support you want and need. There is a thread here somewhere all about anger management - maybe you can find something to help you there.

Without knowing your specific diagnosis and your attitude towards your illness it’s a bit hard to give you specific advice. So all I can say is that there are many people who have gone through the most traumatic experience you could imagine and who have eventually emerged out the other side feeling healed. Keep telling us how you are going and what you think you need and plenty of people here will be able to offer you support and advice.

 

[Flynnal]

That is actually not that unusual around here but I think most people who are in recovery from either mental health problems or substance problems would acknowledge that they needed to let their guard down and work with other people to facilitate their own wellness.

I have Asperger's. One psychiatrist thought I had Bipolar type 1, which I explained that I didn't actually have that to an ENT that I saw today. I told him what I had and I was diagnosed at 16.

The anger and hostility towards my parents is because they cannot accept that I have faults, and that sometimes I go off the rails. Each time it takes them months/years to "get over" it, and as their son I am fucking sick of their attitude. They need to accept me for who I am because it isn't my fault that I am so emotionally sensitive.

If only I had let my guard down with that doctor at Wyong ED, if only I had told her that I was going to hurt or kill myself if she didn't give the medications to save my hearing. If only I had let it down. If only...but I was just too scared. Next time I won't.

This morning I saw an ENT, who happens to be the head ENT of the Gosford District Hospital, and he told me that this female doctor put my hearing at risk. He also told me that what I did was legitimate and that I absolutely should have gone to emergency for a sudden hearing loss.

I contacted the head officer of Wyong ED (the one who knows the doctor who "treated" me) by phone after that appointment was finished. I only got her voicemail, but I said something along the lines of "Next time this happens there won't be a next time, next time they won't be dealing with an escalation, next time they'll be dealing with a suicide."

My voice was very dark so maybe that smacked some sense of just how serious this matter is, into her, and make her think about what really happened that day.

So...turns out I was right after all. And as I've said I've referred the complaints to the HCCC, and if that doesn't work, I'm going to refer the matter to a solicitor and I will find out the name of my treating doctor through a Freedom Of Information Act request. Then I'm going to write her a letter explaining what she caused, and what would have happened had things gone the other way. Thankfully they didn't, and I'm still alive, but I feel dead inside, like I had a light inside of my soul that blew out and is now gone. It just hurts.

I wish I felt different, but I'm going to see a counselor on Tuesday and maybe have to see a psychiatrist to check if I have PTSD because I've been getting these "dissociative" experiences quite frequently lately and they are starting to scare me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I imagine its tough to be very emotionally sensitive. We all are to some degree.

But maybe we can see it as a blessing.. For if you weren't, life could be very dull. Though i understand thats how it feels now.

Point being, everything you need to get out if the funk, you already have. You've been happy before, and although you are in a tough situation, its just that. A situation. That doesn't define you.

Still trying to grasp what's going on for you so feel free to keep venting if it helps.

Much love.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey @Flynnal, I hope you are feeling better today.

 

[Flynnal]

Hey @Flynnal, I hope you are feeling better today.

I am feeling much better than yesterday and the day before. My emotions came back and I am starting to feel things again. It's still a definite sadness, but there is more positives in there as well, I was able to let go last night, so a lot of horrible emotions came out along with the tears and hopefully they don't build up again.

I just hope my parents understand what happened and let go of it and forgive me for losing it at them.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Never feel sorry for your actions, never live with regrets. Shit happens, life moves on. The Earth will keep spinnin with or without this. I am glad to hear it all went positive in the end-game.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don’t know very much about Asberger’s (although I have bipolar 1 and could have talked about that) but i understand that it can make people very sensitive.

I’m glad you got a second medical opinion that validated that you were correct. It is reasonable to make a complaint to so that doctor in error can be re-trained and hopefully this kind of incident will not happen again.

I’m still getting the vibe from your posts that you are very angry and possibly very isolated or estranged from your family. Do you have real life friends that are there for you to provide moral support through these tough situations. How about your NDIS caseworker? Do you talk to them about the challenges you are going through? Are they helpful?

Personally I think that allowing anger and resentment to build up and get the better of you can be very corrosive to one’s mental health. It causes one to tend towards catastrophising and losing a sense of proportion - which often leads to worse situations. It’s often a lot better to assert your self politely with people in authority or who are in your way but always remember that you cannot change other people’s attitudes, character or behaviour. Consequently, it’s often better to just not worry about them and move onto finding other people more understanding or amenable to your needs.

There is a lot of power in that AA prayer “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” so long as you manage to retain your identity and self-respect as you do so.

 

[HoldBack]

Ok, so the last few weeks of my life has been torn up by a major event, and I thought I was not going to make it...but now I'm just feeling terribly flat, with random crying episodes where I just feel hopeless and like I have no future, or at least a future that will be plagued by painful and difficult emotions. I thought crying would help heal me, and it certainly helped to a point, but now I'm just here asking myself where to go or what to do.

I'm just feeling absolutely horrible, and like there is no point in suffering like this any further. It's just this constant fearful, nightmarish existence...once the crying stops it's like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank emotion-wise where I can't feel a fucking thing, and they say that this is actually the worst emotion - the one where you can't actually feel any emotion, it's like an ice cold dark empty space.

I want to do something just to feel something, if you know what I mean. Honestly I would do anything to feel at least something. It seems as though a part of me has died and I'm terrified that I'm never going to get that part of me back.

I don't know what to do. Please help me.

So the most important thing you can do (if applicable) is get off the drugs.

mid you aren’t using drugs then things become more difficult. You probably feel 8alone. Every body does right now. I’m not dismissing your feelings, I’m just telling you that The external circumstances won’t be like this forever.

the more people you have in your life, I don’t care if they are a boyfriend or girlfriend, mom or dad, coworker, random busker, the better you are going to feel.

It’s a paradox, I know, how do you get more people whenyou just aren’t interested.In anything.

I think All you can do is keep going. I’m kind of with you but I refuse to think the best years of my life are behind me. I’m going to make my life better. I’ve been failing at doing so for years but I’m going to make it better or die trying.-

 

[Flynnal]

So the most important thing you can do (if applicable) is get off the drugs.

I haven't touched any drugs of abuse in almost 20 years nor have I used any drugs irresponsibly since then. But I'm glad you were able to point out the dangers of constant drug use. This doesn't apply to me.

My mom and dad are not interested in talking to me, and it's been hell for me in that regard. At least my sisters and friends will listen to me. I think mom and dad are, frankly, living on another planet, not interested in helping out a son who has mental issues (due to being treated poorly during a recent emergency where I thought I was going to lose my hearing in my right ear forever and had been through a suicidal crisis and nearly overdosed on barbiturates because of the fact that I was not going to accept a life sentence because of an arrogant doctor).

Please read "My Story" in The Dark Side. This should help you to understand what was going on and why I am the way I am right now.

 

[Flynnal]

It’s often a lot better to assert your self politely with people in authority or who are in your way but always remember that you cannot change other people’s attitudes, character or behaviour. Consequently, it’s often better to just not worry about them and move onto finding other people more understanding or amenable to your needs.

There is a lot of power in that AA prayer “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” so long as you manage to retain your identity and self-respect as you do so.

I totally agree here. However, sadly, I don't have the serenity to accept a life sentence handed to me by an arrogant doctor. That's one thing I am never going to accept. Hence why I went apeshit with the complaints escalations process.

Hopefully that doctor learns how wrong she was, and gee I wish she would ring me and apologise for the distress she caused me (and my parents). I can't ask anything else of her. Maybe she was just arrogant and didn't realise how much danger (both physical and emotional) she put me in.

You are correct in that it is better to find someone amenable to my needs, but I'm not sure how easy that is in an emergency situation where I have like 24 hours to get help or I'm stuck with a permanent disability that would ruin my life and end in suicide.