DRUGZNOTHUGZ
Bluelighter
This is my little journey of recollection and self discovery I went on. Turned out much longer than I intended, I have a lot on my mind lately, and that's why I let myself justify why I cooked it on speed last night, but feel free to drop your 2 cents worth sirs and madames if you get to the bottom. Cheers.
Hey y'all, been round these parts for years now, I've been a bit of a drug enthusiast since adolescence and a bit of a computer geek too since ever so naturally I'd stumble upon Bluelight. I used to have a thing for researching drugs, was always so interested in how these things make you feel good. God knows why, I've kinda had an obsessive personality. Back in the day, loved my video games. Could play the same one for ages at a time, it never really got old. Big ones like MMORPGs ie Runescape mostly. That game would stay on my mind in class, would come home every day and jump straight on it. I got really high levelled as well, I absolutely loved PKing. Was so exhilarating, putting mother fuckers in the pixel dirt and taking all their stuff. I guess it's like a power thing in a way, I love, in a very innocently sadistic kind of way, being able to send them back to Lumbridge like, yeah I bested you buddy! Take that!
Turns out I'm quite competitive and engaged by physical feats, although it took me till I grew up and starting hanging out with my Gully boys and smoking bongs like every night to figure that out. Literally would ride 15 minutes there and back, in the sub zero temperatures and all, to hang out with my friends. I got really fit from it after a while. Was quite proud of that, I didn't have many athletic achievements before smoking bongs gave me a reason to. Isn't that ironic or some shit?
Originally I just hung out I didn't really like weed that much at the start. Still don't, so beats the hell out of me why I took it all the time. I honestly think it gave me a sense of identity, like every time it'd come round to me they'd be like how come you don't smoke weed dude? I don't think they were pushy or anything, it just felt like, everyone else does it here, why aren't IIt just really made me dizzy and sick, it really didn't take much at all to fuck me up. After that I'd be comatose, like full zombie like, not all laidback and dopey like everyone else. Or at least that's how I felt. I mean like, it made me quiet. I hate being quiet now.
I get anxiety now when I have nothing I perceive as relevant to say. I mean, who notices the people who are quiet? I've always kinda amused myself, like even into my early teens, with my own little weird games. I never really seemed to connect with people that well. It kinda feels like my mind works at a different pace to other peoples in a way. Cos like, in group convos, when everyone's firing away and stuff, a lot of the time I don't really know how to put my own two cents in, if that makes sense. Maybe it's just an anxiety thing. But I kind of feel like it changes my view of my relationships with people, and behaviour in a lot of social situations. Like, when I hit high school I did a lot of attention seeking stuff that I really feel bad about now, like I killed the vibe for one of my mates birthdays when I had what I guess you'd call a tantrum. Was just really upset and had everyone worried about me. So I guess that's why I get anxiety when I feel like I'm not relating to someone. I was 13 at the time.
Now I'm 25. 26 in on the 12th. I'm a lot more observant of what's going on around me. I kind of had my mind in a bubble most of my life. Like, why computer games? They're the most useless achievement on the planet. I musta spent like 25% of my life staring at screens. It's just what stimulated my mind the most. My parents couldn't change me, although they tried. Now, I got into some trouble with a junkie shard dealer that was trying to extort me a few years back, and being the laid-back nonviolent, you might say repressed even? type most of my life, I was scared shitless by his threats. He had another hard cunt dealer on the phone threatening me, saying they got guns and shit, and although the other dealer was being deceived he had Tran's back at the time. I got my sister's boyfriend at the time involved, he was involved with bikies and knew how to handle those kind of situations a lot better, and although he wouldn't be considered one of society's most reputable, to me it was an incredible thing for him and a fuckin hitman to be lacing up to go sort out this dealer, who probably had a knife at least, on behalf of me. I guess the most amazing thing was, how quickly he changed from mild mannered Matt, of whom I hadn't thus far seen any different, to snarling, threatening, dont fuck with me cunt Matt. I wanted to have that ability, not just the ability, but the actual follow-through to back it up, being able to smash someone if they gave me no other choice. So I joined his kickboxing club.
Now, over the 3 and a bit years I've been doing it, I've come a long way. It's a good feeling, to be good at something, especially in martial arts which so many people speak so highly of. I've gone to Thailand to train, joined a legit Muay Thai gym, graded into their advanced class, even won a few competitive fights here and there. I've done karate like everyone else when I was 8 or something, got bored so quick. Even did MMA when I was like 19 for like 3 months. Missed lots of classes cos I'd rather be smoking bongs with my friends. I don't get it. Why did it take me so much drama to be able to get into something that as it turns out I love doing to fucking death? If I liked it when I was 8 and took it as seriously as I do now (... at this point, kinda) I'd be a fucking weapon. I've still got at least a decade to make the most of it in my prime, but like, fuck man, why am I attracted to the wrong shit all the time? Drugs, computer games, deadbeat friends... even now I just spent the whole night by myself twirling a pipe and playing League of Legends (honestly not a regular thing for me, first time, I've kinda hit a low point) I have a fucking problem with that game man. Could play it for days. I seriously obsess over it in my mind still. Every time I waste a weekend I feel bad. I've wasted so much time doing that shit. I accept that, wish I opened my eyes a bit earlier, but why is my sense of reasoning obstructed by a fucking game so much? People get addicted to crack, ice, heroin. I'm addicted to fucking computer screens 8(
Ahhh man. This shit is so cringe. I have so much trouble opening up to people, probably cos of a lot of the stuff I told yas. I get a lot of anxiety. I get depressed as a result of it sometimes. But I don't really project it on other people, so no one really knows. I went to a counsellor not so long ago, but she didn't really help me too much I found. At the start I opened up a bit about not feeling accepted in a group and she gave me some therapy processes to go through when I start panicking, but I really didn't find that it helped much. A lot of it was just basic social interacting, the stuff I'd kinda discovered myself. Stuff I do anyway, and even though I knew like asking questions about a discussion I had little input on was normal, you know, it doesn't stop me feeling like there's something wrong with me in certain situations. Plus I felt like a lot of our discussions steered away from helping me cope to general stuff towards the end. To be fair, she did help me put into perspective this situation with a girl that gave me a fucking mental breakdown, but beyond that, not really. I stopped seeing her, she never called to check up again, fair enough.
But the thing is, this isn't me. This isn't how I like to present myself. I always smile and make dumb jokes that make people laugh. I like making people smile. I love to be fit, put in the effort to get strong and healthy, feel awesome when I can outplay someone with my fists or even just with a ball. And I'm not a crackhead or alco, although I'm bordering on it at this point. I think I need to do something. I guess that's why I sat down and wrote all this shit down instead of avoiding it with more League or crackies. I know it's not healthy. I have a lot to live for. Fuck, this was a hell of a run. Thinking of taking this to my next counseller when I track one down, cos it's so much easier to write stuff down when I actually sit down and do it.
I didn't really have a point or reason to be writing this shit, apart from feeling like I'm doing something other than the same fucked up shit I compulsively do on meth. This is my breaking point. Look, if any of you have some input or can relate to my experience in any way, please do post. I'm ten shades of fucked up right now but if anyone got this far through my bloody life story I'll take what you have to say with open arms.
Hey y'all, been round these parts for years now, I've been a bit of a drug enthusiast since adolescence and a bit of a computer geek too since ever so naturally I'd stumble upon Bluelight. I used to have a thing for researching drugs, was always so interested in how these things make you feel good. God knows why, I've kinda had an obsessive personality. Back in the day, loved my video games. Could play the same one for ages at a time, it never really got old. Big ones like MMORPGs ie Runescape mostly. That game would stay on my mind in class, would come home every day and jump straight on it. I got really high levelled as well, I absolutely loved PKing. Was so exhilarating, putting mother fuckers in the pixel dirt and taking all their stuff. I guess it's like a power thing in a way, I love, in a very innocently sadistic kind of way, being able to send them back to Lumbridge like, yeah I bested you buddy! Take that!
Turns out I'm quite competitive and engaged by physical feats, although it took me till I grew up and starting hanging out with my Gully boys and smoking bongs like every night to figure that out. Literally would ride 15 minutes there and back, in the sub zero temperatures and all, to hang out with my friends. I got really fit from it after a while. Was quite proud of that, I didn't have many athletic achievements before smoking bongs gave me a reason to. Isn't that ironic or some shit?
Originally I just hung out I didn't really like weed that much at the start. Still don't, so beats the hell out of me why I took it all the time. I honestly think it gave me a sense of identity, like every time it'd come round to me they'd be like how come you don't smoke weed dude? I don't think they were pushy or anything, it just felt like, everyone else does it here, why aren't IIt just really made me dizzy and sick, it really didn't take much at all to fuck me up. After that I'd be comatose, like full zombie like, not all laidback and dopey like everyone else. Or at least that's how I felt. I mean like, it made me quiet. I hate being quiet now.
I get anxiety now when I have nothing I perceive as relevant to say. I mean, who notices the people who are quiet? I've always kinda amused myself, like even into my early teens, with my own little weird games. I never really seemed to connect with people that well. It kinda feels like my mind works at a different pace to other peoples in a way. Cos like, in group convos, when everyone's firing away and stuff, a lot of the time I don't really know how to put my own two cents in, if that makes sense. Maybe it's just an anxiety thing. But I kind of feel like it changes my view of my relationships with people, and behaviour in a lot of social situations. Like, when I hit high school I did a lot of attention seeking stuff that I really feel bad about now, like I killed the vibe for one of my mates birthdays when I had what I guess you'd call a tantrum. Was just really upset and had everyone worried about me. So I guess that's why I get anxiety when I feel like I'm not relating to someone. I was 13 at the time.
Now I'm 25. 26 in on the 12th. I'm a lot more observant of what's going on around me. I kind of had my mind in a bubble most of my life. Like, why computer games? They're the most useless achievement on the planet. I musta spent like 25% of my life staring at screens. It's just what stimulated my mind the most. My parents couldn't change me, although they tried. Now, I got into some trouble with a junkie shard dealer that was trying to extort me a few years back, and being the laid-back nonviolent, you might say repressed even? type most of my life, I was scared shitless by his threats. He had another hard cunt dealer on the phone threatening me, saying they got guns and shit, and although the other dealer was being deceived he had Tran's back at the time. I got my sister's boyfriend at the time involved, he was involved with bikies and knew how to handle those kind of situations a lot better, and although he wouldn't be considered one of society's most reputable, to me it was an incredible thing for him and a fuckin hitman to be lacing up to go sort out this dealer, who probably had a knife at least, on behalf of me. I guess the most amazing thing was, how quickly he changed from mild mannered Matt, of whom I hadn't thus far seen any different, to snarling, threatening, dont fuck with me cunt Matt. I wanted to have that ability, not just the ability, but the actual follow-through to back it up, being able to smash someone if they gave me no other choice. So I joined his kickboxing club.
Now, over the 3 and a bit years I've been doing it, I've come a long way. It's a good feeling, to be good at something, especially in martial arts which so many people speak so highly of. I've gone to Thailand to train, joined a legit Muay Thai gym, graded into their advanced class, even won a few competitive fights here and there. I've done karate like everyone else when I was 8 or something, got bored so quick. Even did MMA when I was like 19 for like 3 months. Missed lots of classes cos I'd rather be smoking bongs with my friends. I don't get it. Why did it take me so much drama to be able to get into something that as it turns out I love doing to fucking death? If I liked it when I was 8 and took it as seriously as I do now (... at this point, kinda) I'd be a fucking weapon. I've still got at least a decade to make the most of it in my prime, but like, fuck man, why am I attracted to the wrong shit all the time? Drugs, computer games, deadbeat friends... even now I just spent the whole night by myself twirling a pipe and playing League of Legends (honestly not a regular thing for me, first time, I've kinda hit a low point) I have a fucking problem with that game man. Could play it for days. I seriously obsess over it in my mind still. Every time I waste a weekend I feel bad. I've wasted so much time doing that shit. I accept that, wish I opened my eyes a bit earlier, but why is my sense of reasoning obstructed by a fucking game so much? People get addicted to crack, ice, heroin. I'm addicted to fucking computer screens 8(
Ahhh man. This shit is so cringe. I have so much trouble opening up to people, probably cos of a lot of the stuff I told yas. I get a lot of anxiety. I get depressed as a result of it sometimes. But I don't really project it on other people, so no one really knows. I went to a counsellor not so long ago, but she didn't really help me too much I found. At the start I opened up a bit about not feeling accepted in a group and she gave me some therapy processes to go through when I start panicking, but I really didn't find that it helped much. A lot of it was just basic social interacting, the stuff I'd kinda discovered myself. Stuff I do anyway, and even though I knew like asking questions about a discussion I had little input on was normal, you know, it doesn't stop me feeling like there's something wrong with me in certain situations. Plus I felt like a lot of our discussions steered away from helping me cope to general stuff towards the end. To be fair, she did help me put into perspective this situation with a girl that gave me a fucking mental breakdown, but beyond that, not really. I stopped seeing her, she never called to check up again, fair enough.
But the thing is, this isn't me. This isn't how I like to present myself. I always smile and make dumb jokes that make people laugh. I like making people smile. I love to be fit, put in the effort to get strong and healthy, feel awesome when I can outplay someone with my fists or even just with a ball. And I'm not a crackhead or alco, although I'm bordering on it at this point. I think I need to do something. I guess that's why I sat down and wrote all this shit down instead of avoiding it with more League or crackies. I know it's not healthy. I have a lot to live for. Fuck, this was a hell of a run. Thinking of taking this to my next counseller when I track one down, cos it's so much easier to write stuff down when I actually sit down and do it.
I didn't really have a point or reason to be writing this shit, apart from feeling like I'm doing something other than the same fucked up shit I compulsively do on meth. This is my breaking point. Look, if any of you have some input or can relate to my experience in any way, please do post. I'm ten shades of fucked up right now but if anyone got this far through my bloody life story I'll take what you have to say with open arms.
We are all on our own journeys and it's coming to terms with the fact that maybe you won't ever have loads of money, maybe you won't ever flashy cars, a huge house, a supermodel wife, the most confidence out of everyone etc. And maybe it's just about you coming to terms with yourself and realizing that you are a miracle within yourself. The fact that we are all alive now being able to look at a screen and talk to each other, the fact that we are like machines only organic and mushy yet we live for anywhere up to 100 years and we are all able to feel, see and touch just makes our life incredible. Enjoy the little things! Don't aim too high! Just focus on today and then today and then today. Because all there really is, is today. Tomorrow is just an illusion. Love yourself. Care for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Your goals might just be to have fun and love your family or it may be to come to terms with the pain and suffering in the world and make use of the world you have around you. Or maybe you want to achieve things, want to dream big... In which case... By all means, dream big! Go out and do what you want to do! Don't hold back! Just remember to smile, love, laugh and enjoy!
I was so pissed off. Like seriously, PKing was my thing, everything I did in that game was to be able to dominate Mage Bank and Edgeville and suddenly they replaced it with "Bounty Hunter". Pffft. That was seriously the worst fucking thing Jagex could have done to the game. There was no free trade, everything had set prices and you couldn't go more than 30k every hour outside of them or some shit. No more staking, no PKing, and for what? So bots couldn't ruin the game? They fucking ruined it themselves. I went off the rails then, big time. They pretty much confirmed they weren't going to change their minds, so I was like fuck it, make the most of what I have. Went out in BH with full dharok, whip, karils n shit. Was gonna make the sickest video from it, got some mad kills doing that as you'd imagine. Died a million times obviously, cos if you tried to pick up a kill that wasn't your target you'd have a 180 second timer before you could leave. And no protect item. 