It is really interesting that you say how smart you are. I was like taking french in kindergarten, trying to be put in special schools, but my mom was a drunk and she was interested in having to go further than across the street. She was young, 26, my dad died. I have trouble keeping up with my own brain all the time, and yes, I was shutting it off. So that I understand. I also grew up watching my brother smoke crack, alcoholics, IV users on both sides of my family. I watched them get torn apart. I also suffered from abuse and neglect on my mother's half, because she was not right. I have made peace with it and accepted that was who she is, you know everyone has something.
However, I always felt like a victim so what did I do not to be a victim, I became a fun Party girl, drinking only and weed. All my friends were doin e and things i that scared me, and I was scared to try, one because it was new territory and it might not work out and two I could like it and I was double hexed, it ran in both my maternal and paternal blood. Once people get to the real me, they are always surprised a what a virgin I was at alot of things, I have never even had casual sex, was not for me. My stepfather was also an alcoholic. However, I did know that someday, when I was intelligent enough to not fall over the edge, I would try what I wanted...and not do things just to do. I am aware of my own brain, psychedelics would probably not work for me. I have too much in my head to risk a bad thought and being stuck there for five hours, hell NO! Never tried it. Tried ecstasy, didn't really like it, found myself trying a few more times, everyone would dance all night and I was so bored. Now I always smoked and drank. When I got my first apartment, I was on fire, but still in a walls up, bad ass shelly coming through, tough, fun, but don't hit on me! I made loads of friends in three bars all in walking distance from my house, I began to start to drink and get sleepy. I didn't like that, I liked staying out till 4 and then bringing the party to my place. Now i found my friendly little guy, and when you ran out, you could have delivery all night. You never run out..poof problem solved. I was just a mess, but no one knew, I had my rep tp protect, again I was not a victim, but i felt bad for myself. I knew everyone and everyone knew who my friends were so if I wanted to have you come to my hose 6 times in one night, that's what you were gong to do. Thought that was power, learned I was losing control and needing it not owning it.
Things were starting to be too much, i was dissappointed in myself and one morning it was like noon and i looked around, and yes these people were my friends, but what were we doing? What was wrong with me, found a place that week. I know many people say the people they partied with really were not their friends, but I cared about my guy friends. if I am going to see you, it has to be because I care for you. If we are going to laugh and spend every weekend together, its not just for having people around, this is about genuinely caring about people and I still do. Some are still stuck and some have moved on...but nothing I can say will help anyone, all i do is see how they are doing, and always remind them that they should try to cut back, because life is better when you stop allowing something to win. Its a hard pill to sell, so they don't listen, they continue, and i still call monthly whatever and express my love without judgment.
Now out in my new life before the divorce, my hub became increasingly controlling. However, he was known to party, got wasted with my mom, did blow in Miami with me, I thought I found the guy who would anchor me, but not control me. He partied but not as much as me, but he knew me. I do not lie, take it or leave it. A few unfortunate events happened at the same time, i was separated from my family, my husband became more controlling, by telling me not to drink or demanding, although he was trying to help he didn't understand you can not make someone change you can only try to open their eyes. So I would not go out for months, and then i would go, everything I had been holding in was with me at the bar. And i always drank to the point where I was intolerable. I was out, I was already in trouble, I wont be going out for another month, night will end up with a fight, so I punched into as full a gear as I could go.
Swore I would never try meth, however my birthday rolled around and the accessibility is different on each coast. I said alright, I try it. However, it became weird, i had people in my house that I shouldn't I'm married. And then I was alone reading this forum and hearing how awful I was going to feel. I didn't slept it off, ate went on my way, However, there were too many uncomfortable moments for me to say he I could really comment on that. It wasnt bad, but i never relaxed i was nervous too much. Once I received the divorce papers, got my place, I set it up in a way that i would not be uncomfortable. Here I am, finally not trying to quiet the voices or to dull the pain, and I feel really good about it. I rarely drink, i stopped feeling for me. Learned to accept what I have been given, learned that I can use my overrun brain to be productive, and my pain can help people not feel alone. Not have guilty feelings for something, cause that's what drives you back, the feeling of worthlessness. Wow I just poured out everything, but once you said about the voices in your brain, I was like finally. I always say I got few hamsters up there and I can't keep up with them. Now I love them. I am happy for all the bad and crazy, it all leads you to a jumping point. No one should be ashamed of mistakes, and that is why I really like this site. I have had such a positive experience...learning and seeing certain drugs as ucky and "crack" head to reading their thoughts and hoping the best for them. Seeing everyone as a person.
very long and winded, but maybe a good post and someone will read it. Sorry about the spelling, tried my best, not unpacked yet and I do not have my mouse.
Meth is better imo
