I haven't been to this forum in ages. Ten years ago when it was still bluelight.ru I used to browse around mostly looking for information about drugs or process addictions I felt applied to myself; and for experiences I related to. Before I even started doing anything other than binge eating (~10) on a daily basis I read posts by heroin addicts, cocaine/crack addicts really any addicts and felt like it was something that resonated with me; although I didn't understand why.
Ten years later I've gone through a strange progression. I've been an honour student in high school. Although my grade twelve year was spent switching from never doing any drugs to smoking pot daily. Adding mdma monthly, ketamine (why is that word not in spell check in firefox?) with it and a gram or two monthly otherwise. Tried various other things starting with mushrooms. Codeine, LSD (school trip to a theme park - good story). Cocaine. Oxy. Hydromorphone. cigarettes - which I probably had the strongest stigma against of everything I've done. legit pharms. wellbutrin. trazadone. effexor. escitoprolam. zopiclone. Lorazepam. Diazepam. Clonazepam. citolopram. myrtazepine. doxylamine. clonodine. hell ethylqualuudes. ethyl-methaqualone (not the qualuude qualuudes but close). dxm.
Went to jail for 19 weeks of two concurrent one year sentences. Stopped everything - but a year into probation picked up ketamine - and ran with it. ran a damn marathon. two ounces in about 18 days was my worst binge. Spent most of a week in my bed with a hot pad across my midsection with my parents scared sh*tless that they should be taking me into the hospital - me knowing they wouldn't give me anything and couldn't help much; mostly me not wanting to risk breaching probation.
Later after two years of a sh*t job, losing 100 pounds in 8-10 months through not eating because of ketamine pot cigarettes and stress. I widdled ketamine down to once every few months. Went to get some and drove myself home after thinking I'd waited it off and ended up in a cornfield with a couple cop cars and an ambulance; emt's and cops asking questions.
More charges later I'm at a point where my family will ditch me if I keep using drugs really to any degree. I've lost my friends. The only thing i've touched recently is codeine. I've done countless hours of therapy for the traumatic stuff I went through when I was little - had to accept the life I want is not the life I will have. I have a chance to try and get some treatment. I've gotten a couple of good job offers that have fallen apart b/c of my record. But I don't doubt I could get a decent job eventually.
All i can think is that If someone offered me a hotel room with endless opiates and a ps4 or a life with a job a few friends and my family. I'd take that room.
Ten years later I've gone through a strange progression. I've been an honour student in high school. Although my grade twelve year was spent switching from never doing any drugs to smoking pot daily. Adding mdma monthly, ketamine (why is that word not in spell check in firefox?) with it and a gram or two monthly otherwise. Tried various other things starting with mushrooms. Codeine, LSD (school trip to a theme park - good story). Cocaine. Oxy. Hydromorphone. cigarettes - which I probably had the strongest stigma against of everything I've done. legit pharms. wellbutrin. trazadone. effexor. escitoprolam. zopiclone. Lorazepam. Diazepam. Clonazepam. citolopram. myrtazepine. doxylamine. clonodine. hell ethylqualuudes. ethyl-methaqualone (not the qualuude qualuudes but close). dxm.
Went to jail for 19 weeks of two concurrent one year sentences. Stopped everything - but a year into probation picked up ketamine - and ran with it. ran a damn marathon. two ounces in about 18 days was my worst binge. Spent most of a week in my bed with a hot pad across my midsection with my parents scared sh*tless that they should be taking me into the hospital - me knowing they wouldn't give me anything and couldn't help much; mostly me not wanting to risk breaching probation.
Later after two years of a sh*t job, losing 100 pounds in 8-10 months through not eating because of ketamine pot cigarettes and stress. I widdled ketamine down to once every few months. Went to get some and drove myself home after thinking I'd waited it off and ended up in a cornfield with a couple cop cars and an ambulance; emt's and cops asking questions.
More charges later I'm at a point where my family will ditch me if I keep using drugs really to any degree. I've lost my friends. The only thing i've touched recently is codeine. I've done countless hours of therapy for the traumatic stuff I went through when I was little - had to accept the life I want is not the life I will have. I have a chance to try and get some treatment. I've gotten a couple of good job offers that have fallen apart b/c of my record. But I don't doubt I could get a decent job eventually.
All i can think is that If someone offered me a hotel room with endless opiates and a ps4 or a life with a job a few friends and my family. I'd take that room.
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I am so sorry for your suffering, both emotional and physical.
. I have so little confidence in myself as a person and how I relate to other people. Other people scare me. They exist to manipulate me and to use me. So I try not to see myself that way - as a person in a world with a tonne of other people, I try to immerse myself in sensations that are overpowering enough to jar me loose from the feeling of constantly protecting myself from a social perspective. Binge eating, drugs, isolation. I spent the time from just before I was 17 to 21 22 chasing the possibility that there might be something that would completely do that. Let me be completely overwhelmed by sensation - put on my fav radiohead, or rachmoninov if I don't want lyrics, and for a time be too overwhelmed to even process what was happening. Just feel it. 
