Quick story about what I have just been through.
I am an Aussie traveling in the UK. I take Nardil for depression and anxiety that turns me from a house bound recluse to someone who can make friends hold a job and travel.
I was in Spain, I took a chance, I had mixed a tiny ammount of meth with Nardil on 2 previous occasions knowing full well it could be fatal.
This time it nearly was
Straight away I knew I took too much, I had 10mg of valium but it was still getting worse.. there was this sence of impending doom.
I got myself to the first aid tent and my BP was 180/140 and the immidiately gave me medication to lower it, which they did.
The next night I went out and I did it again. I took a tiny bit and had a not so intense reaction but still scary.
I told my friend what I had done and she freaked out, not so much from the first time, but that I was stupid enough to do it a second time.
There were some other issues but basically
She kicked me out of her house in the UK when we got back. I had a big row, I was crying, I was despondent. Several times in my life my behavious has led friends to ask me to leave.
In the past I would have been angry, or devistated, now, it was a matter of course. a numbing. I packed my bags feeling nothing, knowing that it was me, but not being sure exactly what it was I had done to drive my friend who invited me into her home to this extreem.
It was a road I have traveled more than once before, I knew it well. I reminded myself that this was me, a loser, an unpleasent person, someone you dont want around.
It seemed like the natural course of things, whilst having so much love for a person I push them to the edge until they can take no more.
Even my best friends who I love, I always look and wait for some sign that there is some ulterior motive, some sign that they are using me, some sign that there is some other reason that they have me around other than liking me for me.
When you are constantly looking for these signs, you are also constantly looking for reassurence, conciously or unconciously. They will have a bad day, maybe not engange with you as they usually would and stright away the walls go up. I get on the defensive, I see other things as signs they are not my "true friend" and I become embittered, maybe start being passive aggressive..
Then it hit me, that I did this, it shook her up so much. She would have had to be the one to tell my mum, she would have had to take my body back from spain. It was an incredibally selfish act for me to take such a risk not once, but twice.
It was because she cared, becuase she was connected and loved me that doing this was as much of a statement of my lack of caring about her as it was about myself.
It made me stop and realise, her kicking me out was an act of love. For me to hurt her and shake her up like this and drive her to kick me out of her home showed how much she cared.
It took this to make me know I am loved.
All my friends, and I am extreemly fortunete to have many...I have never trusted them, always kept a barrier up waiting to be fucked over, used up, decived or used.
This has taught me that I am loveable. My friends like me for me, no other reason and the vast majority of friendships that have failed have been a result of these paranoid walls I put up to keep me safe.
Her kicking me out was the one of the most profound realizations into myself that I ever had.
I am not an island, my life effects others. I hsave been living this selfish emotionally isolated existence, not letting others in.
I am going to try my best to change that
I am loveable, I am likeable, I am a good person.
I have a feeling I have turned a corner.
Thanks for reading
I am an Aussie traveling in the UK. I take Nardil for depression and anxiety that turns me from a house bound recluse to someone who can make friends hold a job and travel.
I was in Spain, I took a chance, I had mixed a tiny ammount of meth with Nardil on 2 previous occasions knowing full well it could be fatal.
This time it nearly was
Straight away I knew I took too much, I had 10mg of valium but it was still getting worse.. there was this sence of impending doom.
I got myself to the first aid tent and my BP was 180/140 and the immidiately gave me medication to lower it, which they did.
The next night I went out and I did it again. I took a tiny bit and had a not so intense reaction but still scary.
I told my friend what I had done and she freaked out, not so much from the first time, but that I was stupid enough to do it a second time.
There were some other issues but basically
She kicked me out of her house in the UK when we got back. I had a big row, I was crying, I was despondent. Several times in my life my behavious has led friends to ask me to leave.
In the past I would have been angry, or devistated, now, it was a matter of course. a numbing. I packed my bags feeling nothing, knowing that it was me, but not being sure exactly what it was I had done to drive my friend who invited me into her home to this extreem.
It was a road I have traveled more than once before, I knew it well. I reminded myself that this was me, a loser, an unpleasent person, someone you dont want around.
It seemed like the natural course of things, whilst having so much love for a person I push them to the edge until they can take no more.
Even my best friends who I love, I always look and wait for some sign that there is some ulterior motive, some sign that they are using me, some sign that there is some other reason that they have me around other than liking me for me.
When you are constantly looking for these signs, you are also constantly looking for reassurence, conciously or unconciously. They will have a bad day, maybe not engange with you as they usually would and stright away the walls go up. I get on the defensive, I see other things as signs they are not my "true friend" and I become embittered, maybe start being passive aggressive..
Then it hit me, that I did this, it shook her up so much. She would have had to be the one to tell my mum, she would have had to take my body back from spain. It was an incredibally selfish act for me to take such a risk not once, but twice.
It was because she cared, becuase she was connected and loved me that doing this was as much of a statement of my lack of caring about her as it was about myself.
It made me stop and realise, her kicking me out was an act of love. For me to hurt her and shake her up like this and drive her to kick me out of her home showed how much she cared.
It took this to make me know I am loved.
All my friends, and I am extreemly fortunete to have many...I have never trusted them, always kept a barrier up waiting to be fucked over, used up, decived or used.
This has taught me that I am loveable. My friends like me for me, no other reason and the vast majority of friendships that have failed have been a result of these paranoid walls I put up to keep me safe.
Her kicking me out was the one of the most profound realizations into myself that I ever had.
I am not an island, my life effects others. I hsave been living this selfish emotionally isolated existence, not letting others in.
I am going to try my best to change that
I am loveable, I am likeable, I am a good person.
I have a feeling I have turned a corner.
Thanks for reading
