I can't stand to be alone.

[Tootsie]

I've come to find that I should never/don't ever want to be without another person in my presence. When I'm home alone, literally I just lay in my bed and cry, the entire time. I think about absolutely everything that is and has gone wrong in my life, and I just cry. I'll try to watch a movie, occupy my time with something else for a short while, but when it's over, it's back to feeling like shit. When I'm alone, my mind races. I mean fucking RACES. I can't stop thinking about anything, it's always negative, and I'm literally driving myself to the point of insanity. I'm perfectly fine when I'm out doing something or when someone else is here with me, but the second I get back home (sometimes I just barely even make it to my car), I break down all over again. I catch myself almost constantly fighting back tears at work or out in public and more than half the time, I don't even know why I'm crying. What should I do? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I can't talk to anyone if I don't even know what's wrong, I can't take pills (and I really don't want to), I can't see a shrink, nothing. I'm stuck. I feel dumb posting this.

 

[Bojangles69]

Yeh because you're not really attempting to control your thoughts. When people see shrinks a lot of times they think they're gonna hear one line thats going to be the answer to all their problems.
The answer to your problems is just like you said, your thought process. You need to in a way become YOUR OWN personal shrink. And that involves forcing yourself out of your comfort zone. Your fears, your insecurities, things you don't like to do, DO THEM.

If can often involve keeping journals, writing out your goals, reading books (NLP is great for people with no control over their thoughts) and doing a lot of things that people simply are NOT willing to do to get better. Which is also why so many people will go their whole lives with the same thought process.

Theres things called the "positivity challenge". You challenge yourself to think NOTHING but optimistic thoughts for 1 week. Most people only make it a couple days, but the point of the exercise is to see how profoundly our own thougths effect our wellbeing.

The people around you are also SO IMPORTANT. If you can't stand to be alone, you are that much more likely to surround yourself with people who also can't stand to be alone. Those people will most likely share the same defeated thought processes you do, which makes it that much harder to ever evolve out of it.

It has to be a daily effort of some form. If even just 1 hour a day. And if you read NLP, it teaches you the process of reframing. The ability to reframe situations objectively is perhaps one of the most valuable tools that successful people in this world possess.

You can make a list of every single thing that has gone wrong in your life, and I can equally make a list of how every one of those things wound up making you stronger. You just CHOOSE by default to percieve it the other way.

A CBT therapist (cognitive behavoiral) would be MUCH more helpful to you than a general psychotherapist. They can teach you how to do things like systematic desensitization, and other useful BEHAVOIRS, rather than just talking about what sucks about your life.

But please, stop crying. I've seen your picture and you're a beautiful girl. You just need to find the reasons inside to believe its true. And if I sat down with your for just 10minutes, I'm sure I could find a million reasons.
Your thought process is the enemy here. If you don't face it like you'd face someone trying to cause you harm, then it becomes impossible to really "face it" at all. You need to confront it with that same type of motivation and energy. Otherwise it will always be a failed effort.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

I've come to find that I should never/don't ever want to be without another person in my presence. When I'm home alone, literally I just lay in my bed and cry, the entire time. I think about absolutely everything that is and has gone wrong in my life, and I just cry. I'll try to watch a movie, occupy my time with something else for a short while, but when it's over, it's back to feeling like shit. When I'm alone, my mind races. I mean fucking RACES. I can't stop thinking about anything, it's always negative, and I'm literally driving myself to the point of insanity. I'm perfectly fine when I'm out doing something or when someone else is here with me, but the second I get back home (sometimes I just barely even make it to my car), I break down all over again. I catch myself almost constantly fighting back tears at work or out in public and more than half the time, I don't even know why I'm crying. What should I do? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I can't talk to anyone if I don't even know what's wrong, I can't take pills (and I really don't want to), I can't see a shrink, nothing. I'm stuck. I feel dumb posting this.

Don't you dare feel dumb. You are human. I know exactly how you feel. Bursting into tears for no reason, laying on the floor in a puddle of tears, fingernails digging into the back of your head and face as you scream at the top of your lungs begging God WHYYYYYYYYYY WHY MEEEE WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You actually fear your alone time, you dread thinking that the friend who is over to visit is eventually going to leave, you can't stand the sound of silence, and your mind races non stop. You don't eat, you don't sleep, and you beat yourself up over and over, slowly losing the will to live.....if that said will even exists anymore.

You are not alone.

I was there a few months back. There are SO many different thing I could blame it on, but ultimately, it comes down to you, and only you. No one can change you, no one will change you, a mechanic can't get in there and replace that old worn out brain with a shiny new upgrade. Back then, I was broke, sick, living by myself in a run down, drafty, moldy, smelly, leaky, creepy, ugly and lonely house. I was experimenting with drugs I knew nothing about and it all spiraled out of control when I finally thought I OD'ed on NOS. I felt like I broke my brain and even to this day I still wonder if it's still somewhat broken. I'm much, much, MUCH better now, not perfect, but leaps and bounds better.

I moved into a newer, much nicer house, WITH ROOMMATES so I'm almost never alone. I got a new job, started paying off bills again, climbing out of debt, gained back the weight I lost, curbed my anxiety attacks, got back together with my first love and have a completely brand new outlook on life. It should be noted that I started an anti depressant medication which I am still currently on, and I also was prescribed valium for anxiety attacks.

I know you said you can't take any pills or see a shrink, is this for financial reasons? If so, you should definitely look into charity care programs or non-profit clinics where there are people who were JUST LIKE YOU and WANT to help at little to no cost. I'm not going to say a pill will fix everything, but depression is a REAL illness. It is a chemical imbalance that happens in your brain, whether triggered by something or not, it's some of the worst pain a person could ever endure. So many people don't understand this, and to some people depression is like saying you're blind in your third eye. They don't beleive it's real and they try to say it's all in your head, and inevitably a depressed person will start to believe it, and begin blaming themselves and think they might be insane. This is what leads to suicide. Don't think for a second that what is going on inside your head right now means there's something wrong with you. Also, taking a (prescribed!!!) pill to help ease/alleviate the pain is not unreasonable, or lower class, or anything. If you had strep throat, would you take penicillin to cure it? If you have depression, there's no reason to not take something to help fix it.

Ok I'm wasting WAY too much time at work. I will come back to this, I have a lot to say. Keep your head up and while you're at it, why don't you fill us in on past events, and what you think got you here. You didn't just wake up one day like this, either something led up to it, triggered it, or multiple events or factors that added up to it, or something. Tell us what's on your mind, and we can help you.

Don't lose hope.

 

[Bojangles69]

You know depression can also be triggered by negative thoughts? /\

Its not always a biological illness but more a biological predisposition. Something as simple as not smiling inhibits the release of specific feel good neurotransmitters. If you don't smile for 40 days straight, BECAUSE you neglect to exercise control over your thoughts, you basically just initiated depression by the way you think.

I see this happen a lot in people after traumatic experiences. They use the experience to project that some sort of bilogical disease is going on when its really their thoughts. My point really is that so many people wind up taking anti d's, and their thinking still sucks, so its still impossible for them to feel good.

I also see "strep throat" as a disease of the body, so of course you need to address it biologically. But depression in so many situations is just as much a disease of the mind. I never see people on these forums talking about different exercises they should be doing to control their thoughts. Its always "take this pill", which to a degree I support, but to another degree its completely out of hand. Medicine is WHY you see some people go their whole lives not getting better. Because they were never really taught the importance of their own self control. If that person spent 10 years learning how to think right, vs 10 years on zoloft not really doing anything, which person would YOU see as better off?

"You relapsed? Don't worry you have a disease! Blame it all on the disease!!!"
"You're depressed? Don't worry you need this pill!!! All you have is a simple little chemical imbalance!!!"

All it really does is shift responsbility OFF the person in the long run. She has a responsibility to control her thoughts. And TOO MANY people are born 100% void of any emotional intelligence. The second something bad happens they panic and have no idea what to do. I DO NOT want to come off bias against pills, because Lexapro 100% cured my panic attacks. But at the same time I also LEARNED to think right. And thats WHY when I came off the Lex I didn't revert right back to where I was before. So how much was the Lex a result of that conclusion? If I was still thinking fucked up thoughts I'd still most likely be depressed/anxious.

So I just wanna make sure shes focused on both somewhat equally. Yeh you can take that pill, but if you're not even going to spend a minute trying to change the way you think, that pill will be basically be useless imo. And I know this isn't anything ground breaking either. Americas using 3 billion dollars worth of aspirin a year, $4 billion in pharmaceuticals, about 50,000 tons of sedatives a year... and 2 out of every 3 people is on some fucking pill. And we don't think theres something wrong with that?

We learn from pharmaceutical industries that pills are here to help us, when we don't realize they are taking our money to merely promote themselves, rather than actually conduct innovative research like any business with integrity should.

I hope she finds something that works, I just hope she doesn't have to go through a plethora of useless meds before she finds it... like so many other people seem to wind up doing.

 

[Tootsie]

I'm so glad I'm not alone here. Like you said, Seattle Stranger, so many people don't understand how much depression really can effect your every day life. They make jokes, brush it off, no one really understands how severe it can get, that's probably one of the things that hurts the most. The last four days I've had my ex staying here (he's currently homeless, and we're still real close. not sexually or anything, he's always welcome in my home.) and he and my brother both have witnessed me coming home from work and immediately bee line towards my room. I come home, change out of my work clothes, climb into bed and stay there til I have to go to work the next day. (with the exception of showering and other necessary things) They, along with a few other people, have accused me of being lazy. They're mistaking my depression for laziness!

2008 was when my life all started to fall apart. I might get deeper into details later but I would literally be typing out a novel if I included all of my thoughts and feelings into it. Anyway, here's mainly, in a nutshell, what's happened (in order) over the last two years that bothers me on a daily basis:

My eating disorder actually started when I was 13, but two years ago my boyfriend at the time (the ex that's been here the last few days) moved away, I became addicted to cocaine, I got caught stealing some stupid shit from a store and had to go to court, met a guy at court that invited me to a party, went to the party, got raped, ended up pregnant. I wasn't sure who's baby it was, so I got an abortion. My ex assured me over and over he was ok with it, that we couldn't handle having a baby at the time anyway. I moved down to Indiana to live with him, I was beyond miserable there. Our relationship started to fall apart, he finally told me that he never wanted to get rid of our baby. He felt (and still does to this day) betrayed by me. There has been a few occasions when we would get into a nasty fight and he'd say things along the lines of "you killed my child" and stuff like that. For a while, I couldn't look at him or think about him without breaking down. Knowing that I did that to him (even though he told me he was ok with it) kills me inside. The look on his face when he finally told me how he really felt about it was honestly the worst moment of my entire life. It was so heartbreaking. I couldn't handle everything that had happened so I tried to end my life. Anyway, fast forward almost two years later, we split up, we both move back to Cincinnati and go our separate ways. Only thing was, he came back before I did, he left me in Indiana with our two dogs (those dogs were my babies, I loved them so much, they were like my children) and I couldn't afford to live in the building I was in anymore so I got kicked out. I was homeless for about 3-4 months. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep my dogs with me anymore so I had to take them to a shelter, found out later they put one of them down. Easily another one of the worst days of my life.

Now I just lay in bed and cry all day. That's about it, really. I think.

 

[Bojangles69]

I think your ex was definitely wayyy insensitive to the actual situation you were in. You were the victim, not your ex. If he couldn't support you through that trying time of your life thats his problem.
And now you've appeared to adopt so much guilt on top of everything.

I see the rape and that whole experience as being what really initiated the depression you're in. Than what happened to your dogs was the proverbial "icing on the cake". That type of shit shouldn't happen to anyone, but when it DOES happen you can't lie on a bed all day mourning over it.

Is that really what you're doing now? Just cry all day? What are your plans now?
You do realize you should do something right?

A psychologist should have been useful and at least shifting that guilt and blame off of yourself. It seems now like you just direct all that anger inside, which will slowly break you down overtime.

How long were you in actual counseling for? Did it help AT ALL? If you went in for a few months I don't think it would really do anything, it could take years of counseling to properly move past something like that. I could sit here talking about my depression, and my molestation as a child, and all the things that happened to me throughout my life just so you can relate better. But you have an obligation now to HELP YOURSELF. What do you plan on doing?
You can't just sit around being depressed all day. If you were in NJ the first thing I'd prob do is take you for some rape counseling in a group setting, not any of that 1 on 1 doctor stuff. Have you tried group therapy yet for rape? I really think it could help you relate to other people who have adopted the same thought processes and learned to move past them. I mean you need to do something..

 

[Tootsie]

You actually fear your alone time, you dread thinking that the friend who is over to visit is eventually going to leave

Exactly. I was recently seeing a guy and I would text him at 2-3 in the morning and ask him to come over and sleep with me, even though I have to work at 5 am every day. Sometimes I even volunteer to stay at work longer just so I don't have to come home and be by myself.

And speaking of this guy, I have a huge problem with him right now too, which is also taking it's toll on me.

I think my fear of being alone and my loneliness in general makes me get attached to people really quickly. Well, we got into an argument one night about a week and a half ago, and he's the kind of guy that needs his space and needs to be left alone for a while to cool off. I'm just the opposite, I like to talk things out. So every time I would try to talk to him (haven't seen him in person since then) he wouldn't say anything back, which made me panic, and caused me to overstep my boundaries and I would not leave him the fuck alone. I tried, I swear I tried to give him his space. But I would sit here by myself, my mind racing, terrified I wouldn't ever see or talk to him again, so I'd try to call or text him again. Two nights ago he finally answered me and told me that if I even want him in my life AT ALL, I have to leave him alone. Which I have ever since then but I'm still terrified I won't ever see or hear from him again. I miss him so much. He actually helped all these horrible feelings go away for a while, he made me genuinely happy. I can't lose him.


Edit: Sorry, I know this isn't SLR, just thought I'd share this since it's so recent.

 

[Tootsie]

I've never been in counseling. I can't afford it and there aren't any of those low-cost clinics or therapists anywhere around here.

Honestly, I can't even answer that question. I have no idea what I plan on doing, I have no plans. I don't know what to do. I think I've just been waiting for something to come my way that'll change everything, which isn't realistic, I already know.

 

[Bojangles69]

I've never been in counseling. I can't afford it and there aren't any of those low-cost clinics or therapists anywhere around here.

Can't you get a charity care card where you're from?

Tons of people get them over here in Jersey. You apply and 2 weeks later get free treatment for whatever you need basically (doesn't always have to be low-cost clinics either). But you need to be eligible first. You should check local clinics and see if you're eligible and if they have a "sliding door" policy. A lot of places do it over here.

I mean I know you're prob use to coming home and doing your thing, and it must feel safe to maintain as much comfort as you possibly can in your life now. But god you NEED some form of proper therapy after going through something that traumatic. Even if it doesn't solve all your problems (which is won't) it will allow you to somewhat start building a life you're happy with. Even if you just had 1 friend who could mentor you through this it would help a lot too.
But you'd need to obviously explain all the shit you've been through. You really shouldn't hold all the crap inside, or your depression is NEVER going to get better. And after everything you've been through you really owe it to yourself to at least try and find some peace in life. I really wish you the best.

One last thing I should say, this is probably sexist but you should still keep it in mind. If ANY guy comes into your life acting like he wants to "save you", drop that guy the second he comes into your life. I've seen too many girls/women in your situation get into terribly abusive relationships (even if just emotionally abusive) because their identities were essentially shattered by that certain past experience.
You need to slowly redefine the true woman you are, the woman you want to be, and you need to decide how to get there.

I would gladly help you, but theres only so much that can be done over the internet. Which is why, if you can find SOME form of treatment, they can help you a thousandtimes better.

 

[Tootsie]

^I can't thank you enough for your advice on all of this. I haven't heard of anything like a charity care card around here but I'll definitely do some research on it and see if there's anything that I can get my hands on. I really do want to get better.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

@Bojangles69 - Please don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying that. I understand depression IS triggered by negative thoughts, even if the person doesn't even realize it. However, bringing it down to science, your thoughts and emotions are regulated by chemical balances in your brain. If these balances are disrupted, whether it be by negative thoughts or drug abuse or simply some kind of natural imbalance, it can be EXTREMELY difficult to re-regulate them without some kind of outside aid.

Like you said, though, if a person allows themselves to think a pill is going to be the cure, or some shrink is going to say the magical phrase to snap you out of it, you can plan to remain in depression for the rest of your life due to constant placebo effects followed by let downs and failed attempts.

The only thing you can do is break down your life, and rebuild it from the ground up. Make a list! It sounds silly, but trust me when I made a list of all the things I see wrong with my life. It was a list of the things that I needed to fix, change or accomplish in my life, and I felt somewhat confident that completing this list would make me feel better. I had this list displayed in plain view to me at nearly all times and would put a nice big fat check mark right next to the items I accomplished. To make a long story short, I considered myself completely out of depression before I even was able to finish completing the list, and it was a damn good day when I crumpled it up and threw it away because I felt I just didn't need it anymore. I guess it would be the same feeling of throwing away your bottle of proverbial penicillin after your strep throat finally went away after being stricken with it for years. Point being made, the list helps immensely.

Here's a small suggestion you may consider, but it's only that, a suggestion for thought. And I only say this because we are in fact on a drug discussion forum. Having never used psychs in the past, I took 2c-e for the first time not too long ago, and the way it helped me explore my mind, analyze thoughts in ways I never could before, and most importantly, I was able to look at my life and everything about it in a completely new, unadulterated, interesting and out-of-the-box way. I was able to nearly-completely strike down my anxiety problem I've had for a while. There absolutely no way I could describe it with words, but while deep in that mind state, alone, in my bed, in the dark, with soft music playing, I felt like I was able to hold my anxiety problem in front of me like an actual object. I could look at it, analyze it, think about it, learn about it, and most importantly how to DEAL WITH IT. Now, that trusty bottle of clonazepam that used to ride my pocket nearly every where I went sits happily in a drawer in my closet.

Again, please do not thin kI'm saying that there is one single solution. No drug, no word, no phrase, no person, no one single entity will cure your problem. Only you can come up with the best plan of attack. You are an entire football team, and the drugs, doctors, shrinks, and forums are all sort of like cheerleaders on the sidelines. The hottest, best, loudest, smartest and most nimble cheerleader ain't gunna be scorin' no touchdowns!!! Only you can, but the team needs to work together for anything to happen.

I really, really do wish the best for you.

 

[Bojangles69]

(@Tootsie) LOTS of people have them. In fact untill I started actually saying the word "charity care card" I never realized how many people use them. My brothers gf has one, a couple kids I know at school use them, and now I see them a fair deal at NA meetings too. But I usually never hear about them unless I mention it first.
I really hope Cincinnati has them because they can help you a TON. Meds, counseling, refering you to proper treatment places, they really do everything. My brothers GF just last week was pissing blood (don't know the full story) but the card covered all her medical expenses after she went to the hospital.

I also DO believe you can get better. Just accept that your life will seem a little detached and meaningless for some time to come. Treat it as an "experimental phase", you're experimenting with what will wind up becoming the building blocks of a new and better life. There are also tons of supportive people in this world who WANT to help you. They can't stand to see you going through what you are, and you just have to find those who are out for your true best interests (which is why again men can be deceptive in that area). Take this part of your life do to WHATEVER you NEED to do to feel like you have some stable ground under your feet.
Something to look forwards too. Financial security, peace, happiness, family, pets, hobbies, all these things take time. And than one day I'm sure you can find a semi-compatable man who will BE SENSITIVE to your needs, and who you will look forward to seeing everyday.

Life IS worth it. Even during these nighmarish of times, it really IS just the bitter before the sweet. If you ever need help or just someone to talk to, pm me whenever you want. I am done talking about most of my early life experiences, which leaves my ears that much more open for other people. PLEASE make an effort to better yourself. Like I said, if you ever run out of ideas my mind never stops when it comes to self improvement.

 

[Bojangles69]

@Bojangles69 - Please don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying that. I understand depression IS triggered by negative thoughts, even if the person doesn't even realize it. However, bringing it down to science, your thoughts and emotions are regulated by chemical balances in your brain. If these balances are disrupted, whether it be by negative thoughts or drug abuse or simply some kind of natural imbalance, it can be EXTREMELY difficult to re-regulate them without some kind of outside aid.

Absolutely couldn't agree more. That "outside aid" is perhaps the most important thing for her right now, whether it be meds, an actual female therapist she can confide in, or group therapy, she NEEDS some sort of direction in her life that forces her to move past her problems.

She can just go on living life and neglect what she went through. But in another 10 years shes gonna realize you simply can't neglect certain problems. She can just as easily be more depressed, more hopeless about life, and in an even worse situation.
Which is why NOW is the time to handle all this stuff. I don't want her to feel like shes some fragile little eggshell thats gonna break if something goes wrong, thats NOT what this is about. Her life was essentially shattered into pieces, and she needs to start repiecing things back together. Whether shes strong or weak right now doesn't matter, its specifically her decisions to get help that will matter the most.

I just hope that she can deal with the uncomfort of actually seeking help, and learn to see how much it can actually benefit her life. In 10 years she can look back and say "..after the rape, after losing my dogs, after all these terrible things, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world". THATS when you know you've truely gotten past a situation.
When you took that situation and turned every aspect it into an advantage. Did I get molested when I was younger? Sure. Would I trade that to have been a "normal" kid, now? No way. Simply overcoming that situation has given me SO MUCH strength to do things in life that "normal" people now can't do.

Our weaknesses are EXACTLY what wind up becoming our biggest strengths. Its all our choice whether we want it to be that way.

 

[Georgie25]

I think you get used to being alone after awhile. Ever since high school at age 14 I went to school and came home by myself in my room and played video games. As time went on it didn't bother me and I started to skateboard all the time by myself and got real good would also read a lot of books and got smarter than most of my peers. Then I found the drugs and spent all my times online researching them and in my room by myself doing them. 21 now and for the past 3 years I was IVing heroin in my room alone all the time, sleeping, internet. Now I'm clean but alls I do is stay in my room internet, IV suboxone multiple times. Now i don't neccarily prefer being alone but I don't like being with people either, I hate myself and others equally.