I cant find a balance anymore

[psyfiend]

so for me covid wasnt the worst experience for me atleast .im a loner... 2 parts drained me. no gymand the curfew was BRUTAL. ima vampire.. i dont fit in too great socially unless I abuse drugs. im still teh same fucked up person but yeah i just enjoy putting drugs in my nose. i manged to quit for a few months got a pretty good job was working fulltime when everyone was stuck at home. so i ahve some drugs of choice i try to limit them these days. (genrally k, coke) i thnk i spent $1k on coke last week bad idea. wasnte even that great, i did some again in teh last week? speed. xanax ativan ghb seroquel vodka beer nicotine i think i actually popped two 2ct2s by accident. i have friends but most i never see and yeah. im supposed to move. i lost weight. my boss ran out of work. i cant find a house to buy.

a girlfriend of mine moved in a week ago and things got all fucky. my expectactions not really how i imagined it to go. we fight we makeup. we fitght its annoying. its the drugs. anyways i have enough stress i dont need to babysit a version of myself haha. anyways im free but i got no time. my mind still works.i dont know if i can keep doing this. i love biking and i havent been once this spring summer. theres somthing wrong. i chase a psychosis hi every weekend or 2 maybe

 

[PtahTek]

Hi.
What is it that you truly want out of life? Anything stand out or best to study on it for a sec imo/e.
Anything to "work" for?
Thanks and best always

 

[psyfiend]

sorry for the typos and this too, i havent slept in 4 days i think now.. thanks for the replies im bipolar AF right now eveytime i hit the G im in tears one moment next angry. its so trashy. i did K for over a decade almost daily too to combat my depression and

it was so fucked she asked me to marry her the day, and 2 days later again. and my only reply was maybe . i havent had a "real" gf since 2012. only dated a ex-escort, a drug addiction doctor, few old friends, few random girls. dont get me wrong all quite beautiful individuals.

i applied 10 jobs, i had 3 interviews,the other week.. havent gotten hired yet. i live close a city , i despise it now. i only ever went for the fuckin liie 3 parties a day. for about 10 yrs... but i live in the suburbs. boring af. i have two skilled trade diplomas was considering doin 2 more trades actually but i dont have the funds or the time atm,.. i recently graduated the second in hopes of building my own business one day (its faster than my other trade, its fuckin seasonal and annoying its hardest one (it's basically 8 trades in one.. h.v.a.c) anyways i tried it but the pay is too low working for another so fuck that noise i need $ yesterday and i was always wanted to complete my journeyman.

recently ive been taking motorcycle classes (i dont want to ever come back the city once i move to the country..so getting it done 17 yrs later..) the trainer (theres 2 of them...) pulled me aside asked me if i took any medication and or if i have adhd? i said "prescribed? no... nothing never been diagnosed with anything ***( side note: except my doctor friend who recently told me she thinks i have a high version of autism but im also the recent joker movie which called something else(i laugh at everything all the time even during sexy time). and told him "everyone has ahdd...."

he asked what i do for a living? mechanic? i told him yeah... by the way salary is prob way higher than yours not that i give a fuck.
in my mind i was confused .. im prob way smarter than you (trainer) buddy.. no offense. your just a terrible teacher. (prob trying to get some overtime liek my last tecaher would fail you or other students randomly to get his 90$/h + or wtv fuck his overtime was at ).

they asked me again the another day too.. i was doing "something wrong" he asked if i had a muscular problem? im so lost at wtf hes talkin about.. i told him i went to a gym for 4 yrs straight (on off i kept maxing out at some weird plateau) and i was able to do 28 pullups in one set so i dont think so... they looked at me funny like oh shit.

so i ahve an extra ckass to do todaY fucker made me pay for it..
I SHOULD SLEEP NOW BUSY DAY FML

hope i answered your questions with my rant.

 

[psyfiend]

..a least you have another human being to interact with...i didn't even get any type of closure from mine...but wish you all the best either way

yeah i know bro im not used to it. i have demons in my head still.. been living alone for over 10 decade now (minus maybe a 6 month during this period)

its e.c.c.o bro!(http://mindtel.com/ecc0/) shes mexican and just went to finish something in her city (not mexico like here) been gone 4 days now. all her stuff is here so i guess coming back?

 

[psyfiend]

im too tired i g2g peace take care

 

[psyfiend]

Hi.
What is it that you truly want out of life? Anything stand out or best to study on it for a sec imo/e.
Anything to "work" for?
Thanks and best always

good idea. these days im so busy trying to figure how to move and this that. now i got like gov assistance a bit doenst look good for a house

 

[PtahTek]

good idea

The idea was to find what it is that is truly the most important aspect, goal, person(s) or "other" in your life that would be worth the effort to reaarange some of the furniture to make this "ideal" a "reality" for you.
The idea is that (ime) if we can find something more important to us that US; we may have a clearer path of sight and possibly a "cause" that may be worth our efforts.
Hope things are a little better now but living has taught me that this isnt juat a swing batter home run type of shit so....
Love ya though And rootin from behind the walls meant to keep us apart.

 

[Ds]

yeah i know bro im not used to it. i have demons in my head still.. been living alone for over 10 decade now (minus maybe a 6 month during this period)

its e.c.c.o bro!(http://mindtel.com/ecc0/) shes mexican and just went to finish something in her city (not mexico like here) been gone 4 days now. all her stuff is here so i guess coming back?

very interesting website there..

The path that one chooses to take to relieve themselves from the troubles of the world can branch from few and far between. If that works for you then work it bro. There is no judgement there.

 

[dragonix]

stop trying and it may never be found I guess i don't doubt balance is key

 

[PtahTek]

Could be the key (balance) and it may just be the "struggle" to find it that is the problem. Maybe.
Got me thinkin.....

 

[psyfiend]

so she came back things were chill for a few hrs and then when she trashed the room i fuckin spent 7hrs redecorating for her (it was a mess) and 4 days cleaning up after her. so i told her fuck that get out and shes gone now. her shits still here oh well ... im not hating on that, im not jealous im not anything . just a bit frustrated it has to be dragged on and on... even took down an old painting (i needed a frame ....which turned out to be 2 paintings down... the glass broke on one ) to give her an unfinished painting i made yrs ago and she didnt even notice it ... i told her when she left. shes like why didnt you tell me ? cause i dont want anything from you.. i dont expect recognition for it. i dont do things for "rewards" whether it be a compliment or anything. i dont care

im a bit better now, i think. got a really good new job actually so been busy working. accepted 2 other interviews not sure why? curiosity? trying to catch up all the bills etc. got a driving ticket the other day brutal// approx a weeks pay.. :/ 2nd day on the job leaving a customer fml. almost ruined my driving record for going for my motorcycle test very soon almost done classes. as long as im always busy then i have no time for drugs.. i did a lil btit of some k though. theres a drought here now and its xp now

might have a mini chill date with another girl who i really love as well. so that's comforting. miss her face and her vibe. shes great!

so "i stand not falling... not falling... not falling down"

ah thanks for the replies and comments fellow blacklight comrades