Hello everyone
I thought I might be able to get some advice on the current predicament I am in. So thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this long thread and post about the following.
First off, I'm 28 years old. Over the last 3 years my life has been one of misery: depression, anger, ostracisim, and just being downtrodden and maligned by society as a whole have been the norm for me over this time period.
I fucked up early in life, and in 2002 I was banished to prison for the next 6 years for a violent crime. I was paroled in August 2008. Since then, my life has just been a mess. What's caused this mess? Well, it's basically been caused by society. I'm subject to slander, ridicule and public humiliation (in the form of put-downs) by (mostly) complete strangers. And it's only getting worse as time progresses.
People don't know me. But they are prejudiced and thus judge me negatively. People think I'm either "somewhat autistic" or that I suffer from "mild mental retardation." This is not a joke. People genuinely believe these two things are facts about me. I suppose one would ask this: "Why would they think this about someone they don't know?" Well, let's go.
First, I have a very awkward "presence" about me. The one main thing is this: I have a rather strange gait; my legs and arms move, but my torso remains strangely rigid. Most people have a normal "sway" about their torso when they walk -- I don't. It's as if my torso is a piece of inflexible concrete. It looks odd, and that alone is often enough for people to think there is something wrong with me. But there's more, and there's worse.
Second, I'm very socially awkward. I have many odd mannerisms that make me appear "strange." Odd, unnecessary arm and leg movements when I feel nervous or self-conscious are one of these strange mannerisms. Also, when I talk I become excessively nervous, thereby stumbling over my own words and speaking even more incoherently than I already do. (This is related to the following third point.)
Third, my voice itself sounds like that of a dull-wit, or even worse, that of a disabled person. My parents are Russian, and they emigrated to the States 3 years before I was born. However, I never picked up a true American accent. I actually don't have a foreign accent; my voice does not sound Russian nor American. It sounds as though I've suffered brain damage (I've heard myself on video); that is, many of my words I use are poorly and incorrectly articulated and enunciated. I tend to over-stress certain syllables when it's not necessary, and under-stress parts of words where stress is necessary. Also, the flow and pace of my speech is quite slow, compared to the average man. When I was in college (and even once at work) I have heard people say "I feel sorry for him. He talks like a retard," and once when I stood up for myself to a girl, the girl's friend said this to her (while laughing), "Don't listen to him! Hear how he talks for fuck's sake. He's slow!" Then they both walked off and started laughing and making crude, offensive jokes at my expense. Another time, at work, a co-worker told another co-worker "Get retard autistic-kid to do it." These are just three examples; there are many more, but I think you guys get the idea. In general, when I talk, and people hear me talk, many immediately turn around and stare at me. Yeah, that kind of shows you how atrocious my voice sounds.
Fourth, I'm not good-looking. I'm tall and rather well-built (6' 3" and 220lbs), but I'm not considered attractive physically. My facial features are weak and unattractive. I look very "soft" too (i.e. I look like a push-over). I have had one girlfriend in my life to date, and that was before I went to prison. I was 18 years old and it lasted all of 3 months 8)
So, I think it's these four things combined that make people believe I genuinely suffer from mild mental retardation. It's the slander that really bothers me, though. It's because I'm slandered by so many people, that it creates bias in other people who initially viewed me without any negativity. They hear so much negativity about me that they (I assume) come to believe that, yeah, there is something wrong with [me], why else would literally dozens of others talk about [me] so badly?.
I live in a somewhat large city, but there are certain places I cannot go near in my suburb because many have heard the slander about me and have agreed with it and/or jumped on the bandwagon by doing it (the slander) themselves. A half-an-hour walk in a near-by mall will evoke countless contemptuous looks, giggles, shakes of the head, and about a dozen quiet, derogatory comments towards their friends or partners such as, "Oh look, it's slow kid again," or "What's retard doing in a book store?!" That's right. They often don't refer to my intelligence (or their belief of my lack thereof) in verb-form. They make the normally verb-used put-downs as nouns. They also usually refer to me as a "kid" or "boy," despite my age and the fact that I do look my age.
Even when I'm out driving, people recognize me in my car and have yelled out abuse at times. If not, I'll see the driver and his passenger look at me, and then they'll start laughing or shaking their heads at me. This also happens everytime I have to drive, and it happens a few times on a routine trip to or from work, for instance.
The people who do this to me often aren't 14-year-olds. Rather, they are usually in their 20s and 30s. And 80% of the time females are the perpertrators.
People often say, "Who cares what others think about you?" I do. The reason I do is that I want to make friends, get a girlfriend, have a somewhat active social life. But people want nothing to do with me because they genuinely believe I'm intellectually impaired and physically repulsive. I've joined a tennis club and book club in the past and have faced the same sort of antagonism and contempt from its members. Nobody talked to me in these clubs. I tried to initiate conversation and all I got back were sardonic replies all the while they look at me with a lop-sided grin (i.e. a contemptuous grin).
This treatment to which I'm subjected day in, day out, has left me feeling depressed and very angry at society in general. I have no family near-by other than my dad. I'm on a variety of medications for depression and anxiety. However, I don't think my feelings will change until I start getting treated with some common courtesey. Even if people didn't like me, but they kept their mouths shut and didn't slander me or put me down, I would feel far better than I do right now. I may still be alone, but I wouldn't be so tortured. This abuse I'm facing gains momentum every day. Every day more people come to know about me, and view and treat me with utter contempt.
I have not one friend, obviously no girlfriend, and basically no life since I was released from prison. Ironically, I have a mobile phone. It has three contacts listed: my dad, work and my home phone. My life at the moment consists of sleeping, working, reading, weight-lifting, browsing the Net and masturbating to porn. It isn't really much of a life. Sometimes I feel like lashing out violently at my persecutors. I do fantasize about that. But that would, of course, bring about another prison sentence.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried being assertive to people with whom I work, but they just laugh at me. And what can I do about complete strangers slandering me (quietly) in public? If I assertively approached every stranger who has mistreated me I would literally be approaching about 50 people a day.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm nearing the end of the rope
I don't want much out of life. I don't want to be famous and a multi-millionaire. I want a normal life of acceptance from some people. I just want some friends (of both sexes), a somewhat active social life, and to find a girlfriend, get married in the future and start a family. (I know what I want sounds so very clichéd, yet it is true.) However, society's perception of me is preventing any of this transpiring.
Can someone on here help me? I'm feeling very depressed just from writing this, and have teared up a few times already. My future (and present) just appears so abysmally bleak and wretched at the moment. Abject loneliness and mistreatment from others is severely affecting my everyday life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy thread, guys. I hope someone can provide some sort of advice and/or opinions.
-- James
I thought I might be able to get some advice on the current predicament I am in. So thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this long thread and post about the following.
First off, I'm 28 years old. Over the last 3 years my life has been one of misery: depression, anger, ostracisim, and just being downtrodden and maligned by society as a whole have been the norm for me over this time period.
I fucked up early in life, and in 2002 I was banished to prison for the next 6 years for a violent crime. I was paroled in August 2008. Since then, my life has just been a mess. What's caused this mess? Well, it's basically been caused by society. I'm subject to slander, ridicule and public humiliation (in the form of put-downs) by (mostly) complete strangers. And it's only getting worse as time progresses.
People don't know me. But they are prejudiced and thus judge me negatively. People think I'm either "somewhat autistic" or that I suffer from "mild mental retardation." This is not a joke. People genuinely believe these two things are facts about me. I suppose one would ask this: "Why would they think this about someone they don't know?" Well, let's go.
First, I have a very awkward "presence" about me. The one main thing is this: I have a rather strange gait; my legs and arms move, but my torso remains strangely rigid. Most people have a normal "sway" about their torso when they walk -- I don't. It's as if my torso is a piece of inflexible concrete. It looks odd, and that alone is often enough for people to think there is something wrong with me. But there's more, and there's worse.
Second, I'm very socially awkward. I have many odd mannerisms that make me appear "strange." Odd, unnecessary arm and leg movements when I feel nervous or self-conscious are one of these strange mannerisms. Also, when I talk I become excessively nervous, thereby stumbling over my own words and speaking even more incoherently than I already do. (This is related to the following third point.)
Third, my voice itself sounds like that of a dull-wit, or even worse, that of a disabled person. My parents are Russian, and they emigrated to the States 3 years before I was born. However, I never picked up a true American accent. I actually don't have a foreign accent; my voice does not sound Russian nor American. It sounds as though I've suffered brain damage (I've heard myself on video); that is, many of my words I use are poorly and incorrectly articulated and enunciated. I tend to over-stress certain syllables when it's not necessary, and under-stress parts of words where stress is necessary. Also, the flow and pace of my speech is quite slow, compared to the average man. When I was in college (and even once at work) I have heard people say "I feel sorry for him. He talks like a retard," and once when I stood up for myself to a girl, the girl's friend said this to her (while laughing), "Don't listen to him! Hear how he talks for fuck's sake. He's slow!" Then they both walked off and started laughing and making crude, offensive jokes at my expense. Another time, at work, a co-worker told another co-worker "Get retard autistic-kid to do it." These are just three examples; there are many more, but I think you guys get the idea. In general, when I talk, and people hear me talk, many immediately turn around and stare at me. Yeah, that kind of shows you how atrocious my voice sounds.
Fourth, I'm not good-looking. I'm tall and rather well-built (6' 3" and 220lbs), but I'm not considered attractive physically. My facial features are weak and unattractive. I look very "soft" too (i.e. I look like a push-over). I have had one girlfriend in my life to date, and that was before I went to prison. I was 18 years old and it lasted all of 3 months 8)
So, I think it's these four things combined that make people believe I genuinely suffer from mild mental retardation. It's the slander that really bothers me, though. It's because I'm slandered by so many people, that it creates bias in other people who initially viewed me without any negativity. They hear so much negativity about me that they (I assume) come to believe that, yeah, there is something wrong with [me], why else would literally dozens of others talk about [me] so badly?.
I live in a somewhat large city, but there are certain places I cannot go near in my suburb because many have heard the slander about me and have agreed with it and/or jumped on the bandwagon by doing it (the slander) themselves. A half-an-hour walk in a near-by mall will evoke countless contemptuous looks, giggles, shakes of the head, and about a dozen quiet, derogatory comments towards their friends or partners such as, "Oh look, it's slow kid again," or "What's retard doing in a book store?!" That's right. They often don't refer to my intelligence (or their belief of my lack thereof) in verb-form. They make the normally verb-used put-downs as nouns. They also usually refer to me as a "kid" or "boy," despite my age and the fact that I do look my age.
Even when I'm out driving, people recognize me in my car and have yelled out abuse at times. If not, I'll see the driver and his passenger look at me, and then they'll start laughing or shaking their heads at me. This also happens everytime I have to drive, and it happens a few times on a routine trip to or from work, for instance.
The people who do this to me often aren't 14-year-olds. Rather, they are usually in their 20s and 30s. And 80% of the time females are the perpertrators.
People often say, "Who cares what others think about you?" I do. The reason I do is that I want to make friends, get a girlfriend, have a somewhat active social life. But people want nothing to do with me because they genuinely believe I'm intellectually impaired and physically repulsive. I've joined a tennis club and book club in the past and have faced the same sort of antagonism and contempt from its members. Nobody talked to me in these clubs. I tried to initiate conversation and all I got back were sardonic replies all the while they look at me with a lop-sided grin (i.e. a contemptuous grin).
This treatment to which I'm subjected day in, day out, has left me feeling depressed and very angry at society in general. I have no family near-by other than my dad. I'm on a variety of medications for depression and anxiety. However, I don't think my feelings will change until I start getting treated with some common courtesey. Even if people didn't like me, but they kept their mouths shut and didn't slander me or put me down, I would feel far better than I do right now. I may still be alone, but I wouldn't be so tortured. This abuse I'm facing gains momentum every day. Every day more people come to know about me, and view and treat me with utter contempt.
I have not one friend, obviously no girlfriend, and basically no life since I was released from prison. Ironically, I have a mobile phone. It has three contacts listed: my dad, work and my home phone. My life at the moment consists of sleeping, working, reading, weight-lifting, browsing the Net and masturbating to porn. It isn't really much of a life. Sometimes I feel like lashing out violently at my persecutors. I do fantasize about that. But that would, of course, bring about another prison sentence.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried being assertive to people with whom I work, but they just laugh at me. And what can I do about complete strangers slandering me (quietly) in public? If I assertively approached every stranger who has mistreated me I would literally be approaching about 50 people a day.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm nearing the end of the rope
I don't want much out of life. I don't want to be famous and a multi-millionaire. I want a normal life of acceptance from some people. I just want some friends (of both sexes), a somewhat active social life, and to find a girlfriend, get married in the future and start a family. (I know what I want sounds so very clichéd, yet it is true.) However, society's perception of me is preventing any of this transpiring. Can someone on here help me? I'm feeling very depressed just from writing this, and have teared up a few times already. My future (and present) just appears so abysmally bleak and wretched at the moment. Abject loneliness and mistreatment from others is severely affecting my everyday life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy thread, guys. I hope someone can provide some sort of advice and/or opinions.
-- James
