I am an easy mark, I am an idiot, I deserve it all

[idiotkid243]

I've had affairs with most of the drugs you'd find in DARE literature, and I've been the one to fall in love harder every time. I've never walked away unscathed.

With kratom, I thought I had finally found a relationship where I was the one in control. I knew, deep down, that it was probably too good to be true, and this is what makes me an idiot. I knew; I did it anyway.

I was able to control it, and it kept me away from dope and pills. I could get a little tore back at night and not take any during the day, coming back to my secret island at night. It scratched the itch to alter my conscious; I wasn't ruining everything around me; I loved the way it made me feel. I was able to keep my doses somewhat reasonable, to 12 or 13 grams. I did this for years, and this is the part that kills me.

A radio host that I used to listen to said one time that "there ain't no such thing as a free buzz". Reading into the studies surrounding heavy metals, particularly manganese being found in ungodly quantities in a lot of kratom, speaking to a salesperson from a testing company that confirmed that they are finding huge amounts of manganese in most kratom, and having taken it for years, I can't say otherwise. I'm a highly, highly anxious person; I'm diagnosed with OCD; kratom helped me shut off for a few hours and feel okay without ruining my loved ones' lives. The thing that I've anchored myself with successfully for years is the thing that I've probably poisoned my blood with for years.

Will I get manganism, a Parkinson's-style disease, from excess manganese? I mean, maybe, maybe not. I'll probably be okay. But it will eat me up until the day I die, waiting for it to rear its ugly head. I'll stress about other damage it may have done - did I give myself sub-manganism brain damage? Could I have been a lawyer? A millionaire? Stupid shit. And I turned my brother onto it, and it's got him completely in its clutches - I'll have ruined my little brother, the person I love more than anyone else. All of this is pure conjecture, maybe some, maybe most, of it is unlikely to happen, maybe we kratom users get away scot-free, but the sky is always falling in my brain 24/7, and all of this is an inevitability, or a sandpit that I find myself in, trying constantly in vain to escape from the abyss; this is but one of my neuroses - I live a 24/7 self-imposed hell of various obsessions, and my little lifeboat is gone.

I'm an idiot, because I knew it was dumb and I did it anyway, having done this same script with every other drug my mom told me never to touch. And I'm weak because I can't roll the dice without destroying my psyche stressing about the consequences. I'm low, not only because I'm an idiot, not only because I'm a welp, but also because I lack the fortitude to lockdown my neuroses and instead spew them out into the public consciousness, degrading the collective experience with self-centered vomit--about kratom, of all things, the absolute lowest part of the hierarchy of concern, such a place where even then I cannot keep my shit together, pathetic-- I know it, you know it.

 

[Vastness]

I must say that I think your concern about heavy metal poisoning sounds more like an OCD-ish anxious overreaction than something you need to be genuinely worried about. The heavy metal thing is a little alarming, sure. However not ALL kratom is contaminated with deathly poisonous amounts. Granted... it is a little hard to tell the actual scale of the problem but at the very least... I really don't think that the "ain't no such thing as a free buzz" idea applies here because heavy metal contaminants have nothing to do with the buzz, if you did indeed end up eating enough manganese to poison yourself irreversibly you can hardly blame yourself for taking something that you wouldn't have any reason to think isn't fairly safe to eat (and for the most part - compared to many other opioids - SHOULD be fairly safe to eat)...

I think honestly it's unlikely that you would be able to perceive acute, severe damage from heavy metal poisoning and still be mentally cognizant enough to be stressing about it to this degree. If you really think you have been poisoned try to get medical confirmation of this, rather than jumping to the worst possible conclusion - that you have given yourself irreversible brain damage - based on rumours, speculation, a smattering of vague studies, an unspecified radio host of possibly nonexistent credentials, and whoever that guy was you mentioned talking to on the phone... It's also totally possible that the batches of kratom you had were relatively clean or that you just never absorbed particularly dangerous amounts.

I think probably what's more likely here than irreversible heavy metal poisoning is that you became tolerant to the dose of kratom you were taking, the character of the effect probably changed as it tends to do with all drugs after a while, and as you mentioned being of an OCD anxious disposition you just heard about this heavy metal thing at an unfortunate moment and it just sent you into this doom and shame spiral.

Kratom IME can induce fairly brutal withdrawals on it's own, for sure, with a sinister psychological component which is easily overlooked by those fortunate enough to just not really experience it, so, totally get where you're coming from regardless. I mean I don't have OCD, but if it isn't obvious I'm trying to suggest you should try to be less hard on yourself.... Easier fucking said than done though. It's weird being human.

But... I wouldn't worry about the manganese thing, fairly low chance that's what's going on here, IMO.

 

[Quasimoto]

When I first started on kratom over 10 years ago I lauded it for similar reasons. It helped me stay off dope. It helped me with depression and social anxiety. It seemed rather harmless and like a Godsend I needed at the time.

Eventually it lost it's magic, but I continued using it. After several years, my body started rejecting it. It has also caused all sorts of neurological issues and made issues I have even worse, as well as introducing new mental issues. It's really a dirty drug in that way, it alters brain chemistry in some really nasty ways. It damaged my liver. It holds me back in life, I am a slave to it.

Now, with the introduction of the new semi-synthetic alkaloids, I feel like I'm back on dope again.

Overall, kratom has caused a similar level of damage to my life and body that heroin and other drugs did. However, I do abuse it and always did. Naturally, as any drug would, it abused me back. It's a drug and should be treated as such. Although, there is a major difference between using a few grams once or twice per week and using 30 grams per day.

I have been able to quit 3 times in the last decade, but that abstinence only lasts for a week or two or three... because I am a also an alcoholic and polyaddict. If I don't use kratom, I just end up drinking more or reaching for something else. The endless cycle.

You are not alone, my friend.