Dirtyrolls
Greenlighter
WARNING: POTENTIALLY BORING
I broke up with my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years recently. I'm not going to get into details, everyone has their own problems. Our relationship was like a hostage situation, or a cold war, we had each others emotions at our disposal. I guess you could say the only reason we stayed together was mutually assured destruction. I'm at a relative low point in my life; not doing so well in school, not doing well financially, it's relatively bad, not as bad as some other people but it really gets to me. Can't sleep, feel like shit, judge myself all the time, feel guilty all the time, petrified, scared shitless of some nameless anxiety I keep running away from. To use an apocalypse now reference, I felt like a snail crawling on the edge of a razor blade at an agonizing pace. This is a kind of stupid, maybe a little bit funny, possibly interesting experience of my make shift escape and mental break down.
I work at a gas station and last night I had graveyard shift. Usually I take some dextro, pop an earbud in, and mentally step away for 9 hours. Everything's operating as normal but I'm not attending. I had taken 10mg of Dexedrine IR earlier and was starting to feel it. I must be sensitive to amphetamines, it's always a gamble with me, it will either cause me crippling anxiety to the point where I absolutely wreak of fear (you know, there's a regular sweat smell, and there's a fear sweat smell) and for all intents and purposes shut down, or give me ridiculous thoughts of grandeur, high flying feelings of confidence that are based on nothing. Tonight was more closer to the first one. My mind was racing, trying to convince myself that I had made the right choice in breaking up with my girlfriend. I just could not get myself to shut up. I carry xanax with me wherever I go just in case the ride's too much for me and I want to come down, I couldn't decide what I wanted to do tonight.
I redose around 2am and make myself a cup of coffee. Coffee helps to lift my mood so I redose with coffee throughout the night to keep me positive and to avoid the inevitable caffeine crash and/or the amphetamine and caffeine bonus anxiety combo crash. My coworker arrives shortly before my shift ends, she's an older lady with gnarly arthritis and gets prescribed 10/350 norcos; I've bought a few from her before. It popped in my head that that would be an excellent idea! It was now technically Sunday, and on sundays I have to stay awake all day (pretty much 24 hours) so I can get my sleep schedule back to normal. I could get some Norcos, take them, go home, chill, and everything would be fine! I was excited. I had $5 and some coins to my name, I spent 5 to get two and took them at the bus stop with an anti-emetic since I have a shit stomach. I have a large coffee with me, I feel myself crashing from both the Dex and the caffeine, but it doesn't bother me since the norcos should kick in soon.
I start to feel it on the bus, it's such a relief. I feel great, I feel amazing. I do Oxycontin when I can, maybe once or twice a weak, I can make a 30mg pill last the entire night and still be completely fucked at the end, so while two norcos may not sound like a lot (not sure how everyone else is) it's a good amount for me. I get home and feel fuzzy enough to message my ex about how this is the best thing for the both of us and how I want us to go in peace. I feel pretty good about it, but half way through the conversation I start to feel "the sadness." Some of my friends claim they don't get any sort of comedown from opiates, but I do, occasionally, and the best way to describe it is just the sadness. I'm really disappointed, I don't want to feel this right now, I take .25mg of xanax (no tolerance, enough to chill me out a bit without knocking me out, plus I hear it's some kind of opiate potentiator, or just has a synergistic affect.)
I take another .25mg since the first didn't do much. I don't like being in my apartment, I need to get out, there are too many things in here. I smoke some weed, grab a water bottle and go for a walk. I don't know how long I spent walking, but I walked far. The combination was amazing, I did some soul searching, sat in the middle of a large field at the park until I noticed I was getting really dehydrated. I felt like I was in a dream, I was able to confront some personal demons, I thought about the quote "and if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss gazes back" and understood it in a fun little contextual way that made me feel good at the time. The abyss is that nameless thing you fear, that sinking feeling in your heart, it's why you're always talking to yourself (thinking), it's what's scary about staring at a wall for an hour. If you give up, accept it, look that feeling in the face, you realize that it was you doing that and there's fundamentally nothing to be afraid of. Another half baked thought, I'm not one for words, but it made me feel good.
The sadness is coming back, this time it's worse, I'm sweaty, dehydrated, have a headache, there is an emergency senatorial debate in my head about how to hold on to my peace of mind, fighting tooth and nail to stay high. The walk home is torture, I feel like crying. I get home, girlfriend says she wants to talk but she promises she doesn't want to argue. I warn her that I'm feeling really panicky. She says some things, I'm feeling so bad that I don't even care to really listen or argue, I just stay quiet. She asks if I have anything to say and I simply say no. She asks why I never have anything to say and I say that's just who I am. I can hardly speak. She says who I am sucks, fuck you, have a nice life and hangs up. I immediately start crying like a bitch, bawling my eyes out, all over-dramatic and shit. Feel so frustrated that I can't say anything, like I'm fucking frozen, there's so much shit I don't even know where to start so I end up saying nothing.
I take another Dexedrine and keep crying, finish up, feel much better, feel like I got it all out and hit rock bottom, nothing else to be afraid of. Feel the Dexedrine kick in, stand in the bathroom and mad dog myself in front of the mirror listening to Hardcore (Reign Supreme, Terror, Death Before Dishonor). Just looking at myself, chest puffed out, head held high, angry face. I must have done this for at least 30 minutes. I usually have bad posture, avoid eye contact, and act generally awkward to not draw attention. I don't look awkward, but I feel it. It felt really good, I felt like a man. I know it's stupid, but I guess I really needed it. Now I'm fine, just thought I'd keep myself busy and write this up.
Sorry if that wasn't a real trip report, but I'd love some input. Does anyone else get that "sadness" come down? Anyone know a good med I can get on for whatever the fuck this is? Just wanna hear something from someone.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years recently. I'm not going to get into details, everyone has their own problems. Our relationship was like a hostage situation, or a cold war, we had each others emotions at our disposal. I guess you could say the only reason we stayed together was mutually assured destruction. I'm at a relative low point in my life; not doing so well in school, not doing well financially, it's relatively bad, not as bad as some other people but it really gets to me. Can't sleep, feel like shit, judge myself all the time, feel guilty all the time, petrified, scared shitless of some nameless anxiety I keep running away from. To use an apocalypse now reference, I felt like a snail crawling on the edge of a razor blade at an agonizing pace. This is a kind of stupid, maybe a little bit funny, possibly interesting experience of my make shift escape and mental break down.
I work at a gas station and last night I had graveyard shift. Usually I take some dextro, pop an earbud in, and mentally step away for 9 hours. Everything's operating as normal but I'm not attending. I had taken 10mg of Dexedrine IR earlier and was starting to feel it. I must be sensitive to amphetamines, it's always a gamble with me, it will either cause me crippling anxiety to the point where I absolutely wreak of fear (you know, there's a regular sweat smell, and there's a fear sweat smell) and for all intents and purposes shut down, or give me ridiculous thoughts of grandeur, high flying feelings of confidence that are based on nothing. Tonight was more closer to the first one. My mind was racing, trying to convince myself that I had made the right choice in breaking up with my girlfriend. I just could not get myself to shut up. I carry xanax with me wherever I go just in case the ride's too much for me and I want to come down, I couldn't decide what I wanted to do tonight.
I redose around 2am and make myself a cup of coffee. Coffee helps to lift my mood so I redose with coffee throughout the night to keep me positive and to avoid the inevitable caffeine crash and/or the amphetamine and caffeine bonus anxiety combo crash. My coworker arrives shortly before my shift ends, she's an older lady with gnarly arthritis and gets prescribed 10/350 norcos; I've bought a few from her before. It popped in my head that that would be an excellent idea! It was now technically Sunday, and on sundays I have to stay awake all day (pretty much 24 hours) so I can get my sleep schedule back to normal. I could get some Norcos, take them, go home, chill, and everything would be fine! I was excited. I had $5 and some coins to my name, I spent 5 to get two and took them at the bus stop with an anti-emetic since I have a shit stomach. I have a large coffee with me, I feel myself crashing from both the Dex and the caffeine, but it doesn't bother me since the norcos should kick in soon.
I start to feel it on the bus, it's such a relief. I feel great, I feel amazing. I do Oxycontin when I can, maybe once or twice a weak, I can make a 30mg pill last the entire night and still be completely fucked at the end, so while two norcos may not sound like a lot (not sure how everyone else is) it's a good amount for me. I get home and feel fuzzy enough to message my ex about how this is the best thing for the both of us and how I want us to go in peace. I feel pretty good about it, but half way through the conversation I start to feel "the sadness." Some of my friends claim they don't get any sort of comedown from opiates, but I do, occasionally, and the best way to describe it is just the sadness. I'm really disappointed, I don't want to feel this right now, I take .25mg of xanax (no tolerance, enough to chill me out a bit without knocking me out, plus I hear it's some kind of opiate potentiator, or just has a synergistic affect.)
I take another .25mg since the first didn't do much. I don't like being in my apartment, I need to get out, there are too many things in here. I smoke some weed, grab a water bottle and go for a walk. I don't know how long I spent walking, but I walked far. The combination was amazing, I did some soul searching, sat in the middle of a large field at the park until I noticed I was getting really dehydrated. I felt like I was in a dream, I was able to confront some personal demons, I thought about the quote "and if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss gazes back" and understood it in a fun little contextual way that made me feel good at the time. The abyss is that nameless thing you fear, that sinking feeling in your heart, it's why you're always talking to yourself (thinking), it's what's scary about staring at a wall for an hour. If you give up, accept it, look that feeling in the face, you realize that it was you doing that and there's fundamentally nothing to be afraid of. Another half baked thought, I'm not one for words, but it made me feel good.
The sadness is coming back, this time it's worse, I'm sweaty, dehydrated, have a headache, there is an emergency senatorial debate in my head about how to hold on to my peace of mind, fighting tooth and nail to stay high. The walk home is torture, I feel like crying. I get home, girlfriend says she wants to talk but she promises she doesn't want to argue. I warn her that I'm feeling really panicky. She says some things, I'm feeling so bad that I don't even care to really listen or argue, I just stay quiet. She asks if I have anything to say and I simply say no. She asks why I never have anything to say and I say that's just who I am. I can hardly speak. She says who I am sucks, fuck you, have a nice life and hangs up. I immediately start crying like a bitch, bawling my eyes out, all over-dramatic and shit. Feel so frustrated that I can't say anything, like I'm fucking frozen, there's so much shit I don't even know where to start so I end up saying nothing.
I take another Dexedrine and keep crying, finish up, feel much better, feel like I got it all out and hit rock bottom, nothing else to be afraid of. Feel the Dexedrine kick in, stand in the bathroom and mad dog myself in front of the mirror listening to Hardcore (Reign Supreme, Terror, Death Before Dishonor). Just looking at myself, chest puffed out, head held high, angry face. I must have done this for at least 30 minutes. I usually have bad posture, avoid eye contact, and act generally awkward to not draw attention. I don't look awkward, but I feel it. It felt really good, I felt like a man. I know it's stupid, but I guess I really needed it. Now I'm fine, just thought I'd keep myself busy and write this up.
Sorry if that wasn't a real trip report, but I'd love some input. Does anyone else get that "sadness" come down? Anyone know a good med I can get on for whatever the fuck this is? Just wanna hear something from someone.
