How To Not Become An Amphetafiend Again?

[Pariahprose]

Ok, I was addicted to meth from ages 16-21, for my last two yrs n highschool, I mainly used it 2 help study,do work, and improve my grades. It helped, though sometimes it wud b too much. After I graduated, I continued to use, with no other reason than 2 get high. Meth ended up costing me so much during those yrs...

Here I am now,going to be 25 this June and possibly at the start of a similar problem. I am seeing a psychiatrist and have been diagnosed as Adult ADHD 2 which he gave me Adderall IR 20mg (this place has my record on file or so I thought so I didnt expect a schedule 2 substance 2 be prescribed so easily to someone like myself). The medicine really helps when taken as prescribed, I can focus more,organize/plan tasks better, and actually complete a task without getting distracted or daydreaming. But I also like the effects when used in a dose above the recomended one(I found this out yrs b4 ever being presribed and had never taken them near the recomended dose until I got my own script).

What can I do 2 make sure that I once again dont become and Amphetafiend? I cannot rely on my gf for this,as she likes the effects to(though in not nearly as high of an amount). Straterra doesnt work for me either btw(if its still even on the market),the only ADHD medications that do work are the ones that are stimulants. Plz help,as I have more 2 loose now than I ever had...

Pariahprose

 

[Vaya]

Let me ask you this: how much of a length of time have you spent truly abstinent in pursuit of unlearning that which you'd either taught yourself or been told by others about ADHD; that is, that amphetamines and other stimulant drugs are the most beneficial treatment for your symptoms?

Having essentially the same exact(!) history surrounding my own experiences with, and feelings towards, stimulant drugs, I would be interested to see if you find yourself truly unable to to answer your own question, "What can I do 2 make sure that I once again don't become and Amphetafiend?"

For me, the stumbling block for many years was always exactly how much honesty I'd given the answer.

~ Vaya

 

[Pariahprose]

Let me ask you this: how much of a length of time have you spent truly abstinent in pursuit of unlearning that which you'd either taught yourself or been told by others about ADHD; that is, that amphetamines and other stimulant drugs are the most beneficial treatment for your symptoms?

Having essentially the same exact(!) history surrounding my own experiences with, and feelings towards, stimulant drugs, I would be interested to see if you find yourself truly unable to to answer your own question, "What can I do 2 make sure that I once again don't become and Amphetafiend?"

For me, the stumbling block for many years was always exactly how much honesty I'd given the answer.

~ Vaya

Definatly nice 2 know there is somebody with similar circumstances...The best way of course wud b 2 not use amphetamines bc 90% (some would argue 100%) of addicts have an illusion they can control their problem when they really cant...what other options are out there then if I do? Because I am far to intelligent 2 b stuck where I am in life...One thing that actually used 2 help me pay attention was a good sativa strain of bud(odd huh? But I was able 2 complete tasks and my mind seemed 2 slow down just the right amount),but I cant smoke bc of my job

Pariahprose

 

[Toz]

Simple, decide never to take more than you are ordinated by your doctor. I never tried to get high on the pills, I wanted to get better more than I wanted to get high. I've also been addicted to amphetamine when I was younger and still I do fall back to it usually for a week or two a year. If you have to use the stimulants, you need to not view it as a drug. It is not there to make you feel good, you can not take more if one day sucks. If you abuse your med it will also probably lose it's effect real fast. The benefits of using it correctly for me outweighed the positive effects I would have gotten from getting high. It was never that big of an issue even though I was afraid it might be.

Going without medicine is also very much possible, though can require alot more effort on everything. I don't take meds today but I am probably seeking my way back to them, I feel like I could use them again and hope it will help me as it did before.

I am also prescribed pain meds and have been addicted to opiates for a very long time before. These I take on emergency situations only, when it's really really bad. It's even harder than amphetamine but you have to tell yourself this is not a drug you can use to get high. It is something that is needed and if you abuse it, it will not work for what it's intended and then there really is no point. You just have to decide you're never even going to try to get high on your meds. That is the only thing that works unless you go to a clinic every day and get them. I started doing this, maybe this can help you? I had to pick up my daily dose every day except sunday/saturday then gradually getting more untill I finally kept them myself. This made it alot easier for me, knowing I could not really get high and once they worked, it felt to valuable to risk.

 

[Vaya]

Because I am far to intelligent 2 b stuck where I am in life...

I am 26 years old and hear this said to me on a constant basis. And it's true; I may act bashful or whatever, but in my heart, I know it. Yet each and every time I allow my life to become closely intermingled with either drugs or alcohol, something goes horrifically wrong and I end up puttering out and losing more time. From mere sleepless nights and modest weight gain to 2 DUIs over 7 years most recently resulting in both joblessness and serving jail time, house arrest and probation, chemicals have served a disruptive purpose in my life and I was too terrified at that reality to accept it properly.

It all begins with the mentality I was taught at age 9 when, depressed at having been bullied in 3rd grade, I became socially withdrawn my parents put me on my first psychiatric medication for "Depression, Not Otherwise Specified." The mentality was reinforced by my parents over the next few years and then theirs ran concurrent with my own self-medication with drugs and alcohol beginning at age 15. That mentality was a simple one, yet one whose impact on my life has been indisputably profound: "If there's something wrong, it needs to be fixed. If there's something wrong with me, it needs to be given top priority (and thus treated effectively). And to be treated effectively, a problem ought to be addressed by altering the brain chemically."

And I see strains of similar thinking in yourself when you speculate that, well, perhaps if you can't use amphetamines non-addictively (as your prior experiences with them would seem to suggest), then perhaps a strain of Cannabis Sativa might fix up your attention span. I'm not here to lecture you whatsoever. That's not my perogative. It's just that when I hear someone expressing the same kind of predisposition towards the relationships between oneself, a diagnosis and the use of chemicals to treat it, it makes me want to cry out to them. It does not have to be like that.

Whether you feel this is at all reflective of you or not is your call and yours alone, however. As they say... "For what it's worth."

Much love,

~ Vaya

 

[Toz]

Chemicals is always the easy way, and it usually never works forever, hopefully though, it can help OP get some sense of self esteem back that he or she seems to have lost. Once you start getting on the right track, you might realize it's not all the meds but actually you trying harder. If you think you will have it easier to succeed, it gets alot easier to do it than if you would start with the " I am sick so I don't believe I can do this " attitude. 1 year on the pills helped me realize social situations were not as awkward as I thought, I spoke my mind alot more than I ever did before, and the truth is, while I might have made a fool of myself some like I was so afraid of before; people didn't care. It was just me who did. This stuck with me since after quitting the medication too, I don't find myself as awkward when interacting with other people as I did before. Simply because now I know. I just needed the guts to deal with the issue, after that it was gone. OP may need some motivation now, but hopefully he won't for the rest of his life. OP like me is also adult diagnosed, which means he/she has managed without it so far. In my eyes that tell me he/she can manage again.

Try not to think of yourself as sick, no one is normal. You have problem sitting still, I have problems getting things done. Someone else has entirely different problems. Yet we must all try and live with them. There are no miracle cures I've learnt the hard way I think. Temporary relief can be needed for some time, but I believe nothing else than learning to live with your problems will work in the long run.

Still I'd say having the pills from the clinic is what made me never really think of abusing them. Since I had to just eat them as directed as there was not enough to get high in the beginning, if you can admit your problem without losing your credibility and meds, something like this might be arranged. Refilling at pharmacy more often I guess is the same. I don't know if they can write a script that needs to be refilled every other day but I don't see why not. I would ask for this definitely if possible.

 

[Pariahprose]

I am 26 years old and hear this said to me on a constant basis. And it's true; I may act bashful or whatever, but in my heart, I know it. Yet each and every time I allow my life to become closely intermingled with either drugs or alcohol, something goes horrifically wrong and I end up puttering out and losing more time. From mere sleepless nights and modest weight gain to 2 DUIs over 7 years most recently resulting in both joblessness and serving jail time, house arrest and probation, chemicals have served a disruptive purpose in my life and I was too terrified at that reality to accept it properly.

It all begins with the mentality I was taught at age 9 when, depressed at having been bullied in 3rd grade, I became socially withdrawn my parents put me on my first psychiatric medication for "Depression, Not Otherwise Specified." The mentality was reinforced by my parents over the next few years and then theirs ran concurrent with my own self-medication with drugs and alcohol beginning at age 15. That mentality was a simple one, yet one whose impact on my life has been indisputably profound: "If there's something wrong, it needs to be fixed. If there's something wrong with me, it needs to be given top priority (and thus treated effectively). And to be treated effectively, a problem ought to be addressed by altering the brain chemically."

And I see strains of similar thinking in yourself when you speculate that, well, perhaps if you can't use amphetamines non-addictively (as your prior experiences with them would seem to suggest), then perhaps a strain of Cannabis Sativa might fix up your attention span. I'm not here to lecture you whatsoever. That's not my perogative. It's just that when I hear someone expressing the same kind of predisposition towards the relationships between oneself, a diagnosis and the use of chemicals to treat it, it makes me want to cry out to them. It does not have to be like that. My drug use stems from several traumatic deaths of close family(brother,dad on the same day when I was 5 and my grandma and I were n a carwreck when I was 13,at which point I finally grieved some for my brother and dad,cudnt handle the grief and started using).
Pariahprose


Whether you feel this is at all reflective of you or not is your call and yours alone, however. As they say... "For what it's worth."

Much love,

~ Vaya

Lol,once again some similarities...Ya, I managed 2 get 4 PUI's (Pedestrian Under the Influence) and 2 DUI's (one which resulted in a trip 2 rehab for six months and the DUI getting expunged,and the other one was probation till I paid my fine. I always seemed 2 get in trouble specifically with pills(I was a polydrug user but mainly meth and pills). I to was bullied in elementary-half of middle school,but I took a different approach,I just started saying the most twistid fucked up things I cud and ppl became afraid of me.

 

[herbavore]

I would highly recommend the book: Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whittaker. I think it needs to be required reading for anyone having been given a diagnosis of a mental disorder. It gives you a healthy perspective to then decide whether you want to drug yourself and to put your mental health in the hands of someone that sees every brain difference as a disorder or illness and has a highly marketed drug at the ready to treat it. There is another book that our family read when our son was given this diagnosis (as have I) by Dr. Hallowell, a psychiatrist that himself has ADD. I don't actually remember if he was against the stimulant "treatment" or simply offered so many non-drug strategies that it made it a moot point. One of the best things he said, that I do remember from the book, was that people need to find work that suits their brain. If you have a distracted brain you are probably a creative person. Focusing on one thing without distraction is not necessarily an asset to creative thinking. He recommends working in a field where you can somewhat set your own schedule as well.

I have talked in this forum many times about my the difference in my experience with my brain and how I was taught to see it back in the 60's and my son's experience with his in the 90's. For me, there was no "disorder", it was simply a set of adaptations I had to make to do well in school and then work. For my son, it was treated like an illness that had to be medicated. I blame myself as much as anyone else (his school, his pediatrician) for buying into this model of thinking. My son wanted to try medication and we wanted him too as well. I told the doctor that I wanted to try it for a week before putting him on it and she agreed to let me. I was suddenly the most prolific and focused artist on the planet plus my house was spotless! part of me thought, "Wow. Think what I could have been accomplishing all these years." But part of me knew that this was not at all healthy. My son's experience on the drugs was brief--a couple of months trying Concerta, Adderall and Stratera. He lost weight, chewed his fingernails down to nothing, chewed the insides of his cheeks and became a depressed zombie every day around 4PM.; but he could focus in school. To me, that was not a trade-off anyone should have to make. Schools are one size fits all institutions. We all know that is a myth because they absolutely do not fit people with ADD or especially ADHD, not to mention kinetic learners, collaborative learners and people on the autism spectrum. I will forever believe that this early introduction to a stimulant in his brain (he was 13) paved the way for his need for and love of them later.

Really try hard to educate yourself with another view of ADD besides the one that modern culture (big pharmaceuticals) want you to swallow hook, line and sinker. The difference in our brains is real and I do not dispute that. Having a diagnosis can be incredibly empowering if for nothing else to have a way of understanding a particular brain/learning style as well as all the other things that go with it such as impulsivity. When you know what your strengths and weaknesses are you can develop strategies. When you develop strategies you also develop self esteem because you feel in charge.

If you do decide that you truly need medication it seems imperative to talk about your history with your prescribing doctor. I know this may sound crazy but it seems like putting it out there for both your doctor and any trusted family members can help you as you try to stay on track with taking them sparingly and only as prescribed and possibly at the lowest doses.

 

[Pariahprose]

Simple, decide never to take more than you are ordinated by your doctor. I never tried to get high on the pills, I wanted to get better more than I wanted to get high. I've also been addicted to amphetamine when I was younger and still I do fall back to it usually for a week or two a year. If you have to use the stimulants, you need to not view it as a drug. It is not there to make you feel good, you can not take more if one day sucks. If you abuse your med it will also probably lose it's effect real fast. The benefits of using it correctly for me outweighed the positive effects I would have gotten from getting high. It was never that big of an issue even though I was afraid it might be.

Going without medicine is also very much possible, though can require alot more effort on everything. I don't take meds today but I am probably seeking my way back to them, I feel like I could use them again and hope it will help me as it did before.

I am also prescribed pain meds and have been addicted to opiates for a very long time before. These I take on emergency situations only, when it's really really bad. It's even harder than amphetamine but you have to tell yourself this is not a drug you can use to get high. It is something that is needed and if you abuse it, it will not work for what it's intended and then there really is no point. You just have to decide you're never even going to try to get high on your meds. That is the only thing that works unless you go to a clinic every day and get them. I started doing this, maybe this can help you? I had to pick up my daily dose every day except sunday/saturday then gradually getting more untill I finally kept them myself. This made it alot easier for me, knowing I could not really get high and once they worked, it felt to valuable to risk.

If only it were that simple Toz...putting a combination of an addicts 2 biggest vices n front of him is like putting a big red button n front of someone and telling them do not press it. Eventually,the odds are that most ppl will push the button when they think nobody is looking and come 2 find out that pushing the button dumps a five gallon bucket of horse spunk on them,making for a rather nasty and sticky mess. And if I push my button, odds are that something will happen that wud make a gallon bucket of horse semen almost welcome,it wud eventually end up that ugly... You admit urself that u think ur heading back to ur old ways,just as well as I admit I might b on that same path,but something we both should keep n mind is that addiction is progressive,it picks up where it left off and gets worse. And there are no clinics for amphetamines nor do I have anyone that I can trust 2 not judge and critisize me for them having 2 hold my pills...Wow, its amazing how trying 2 help someone else has helped me realize some things of my own...

Very good points herbavore,never thought of it that way.Yes, I am creative on many different levels,the more twistid side of that can be seen n my horse metaphor,lol,but I have always been told I think outside of the box.(btw, excuse the horse metaphor but fucked up metaphors that are random yet meaningful n there content is just kinda my thing,I have a random streak 100 miles long^.^)

Pariahprose

 

[Toz]

TLDR version since I just ramble really when I don't know what to say: I have nothing conclusive I can only guess here

Simple was a bad way to put it, though it is what will keep the problem at bay. If you can't trust anyone (I am really sorry to hear that ;() with pills to hold without judging you (though i believe they would not and should they do it you should not care but I know it's easier said than done. I would think that if anyone judges you for asking for help, that person would be someone I was better left without. But I guess it's different depending on what kind of people you mix with. It sounds like you are really unsure and have no real idea how to control this, I would probably leave it alone if you were that addicted to amphetamines. I was tweaking alot for a while as a teenager, then some because my girlfriend liked the drug but I grow tired of it quite fast. So I guess I don't really have the same issues with it. I got my amphetamine from an addiction clinic where I went for opiate addiction (buprenorphine treatment). Isn't it possible to work out something like alot of refills at the pharmacy? Clinic isn't necessary. I don't know if they can write scripts for odd numbers of pills to be refilled in the us, here all pills are in sealed containers or blisters and are only available in the amount that the boxes/bottles hold. You seem quite worried this might make things worse, I would probably not go through with it if so. The risk might outweigh the benefit, you must have managed to get by without medicition up untill now, like me, we both can get by without medicition I mean after all we both completed high school (right?) and I am almost done with college, finally. It seems you get more benefit than me from the meds though, I tend to be able to get off my ass and have things done easier, but I don't really keep concentration better, in fact if I need to listen and learn something, it is not helping at all. Neither does it help much with reading and learning, it does however give me energy the energy I otherwise don't have to simply get things done.

I don't know, if you are unsure and think you will spiral back into addiction, don't take it. However if you're not going to take it anymore, if your doctor can help you in someway, you should ask since it won't matter what he or she thinks (well at least it wouldn't have for me, as said I don't live in the us). It's frustrating, here I could tell you exactly what to do to get somewhere they can hold the medicine for you and you can get it every few days. But if that's not possible, I have no idea.

We also don't have such strong pills here as you do, that might be a factor too, ours are 5mg dexamphetamine. There is no other amphetamine pills. Both me and my ex girlfriend have been prescribed and tried provigil, but none of us found it to work. I don't know if it works for some with ADHD/ADD, if it does it's an alternative that could be tried at least. It's a stimulant but it's not fun nor euphoric (unfortunately for me it has no positive effects at all). Well at least not for most people.

I have suffered far too much to allow myself to get back to where I once was, but things haven't been too great lately (or actually, it is up and down so frequently I don't know how I feel usually). Gave up lots of other things not only drugs, essentially my whole life. Now I have suffered far too much to give in. Still I am sure I will need to remind myself of suffering every now and then untill I can say goodbye to it for good. Unfortunately I may have to accept that I can't live without some drugs like the opiates because of pain. This is hard and makes me angry because it feels it would all be for nothing anyway. However that's not true, I no longer have to worry about alot of things about my life that has been the cause of great anxiety which also led to more drugs and more anxiety. At least part of it is history at this point.

Now I'm out of words here, sorry, next time I shall not be so quick to think everyone is like me. Just because I would never stand being addicted to X substanse doesn't mean someone else will. I think I based my post too much on how my own feelings, I shouldn't have done that and have to appologize for it. Next time I will try to think more before I write.

 

[Pariahprose]

Ya,the United States does have some strong ass pills. Most of our pills come in bottles and my medicine,Adderall,is a schedule 2 substance(Has recongized medical value but high potential for abuse) which means any partial refill will cause me 2 loose the rest of them.However, I was thinking about giving away half of them anyway(if I broke a rule here I apologize,just trying 2 work thru some harm reduction for myself), cause Im afraid my doctor will find out if I dont fill the whole script. But I think if I reduce the quantity down from 60 to 30 then I wud b less apt 2 abuse them and use them only when needed...and it wud decrease my chances of getting 2 badly hooked on them...This might work,any comments?

 

[Vaya]

I still cannot help but think you are playing with fire if you have had issues with amphetamines in the past. I, myself, used many justifications to myself over many years to enable myself to contine to have the amphetamines lying around - which, to be sure, was never for that long anyway.

If you're absolutely intent on filling the prescription, I do not think that filling it halfway would be a bad idea. Your doctor certainly will not be notified, in any case. And it leaves you less to abuse if you were to find yourself lapsing back into that sort of behavior.

My suggestion, however, still remains to find a non-chemical intervention for your inability to hyper-concentrate. Amps help us all concentrate, but in reality, I can say faithfully that I have yet to meet someone without OCD who innately concentrates at such an acute level.

Look before you leap; I find it admirable that you are willing to come and seek advice without autonomically refilling the script.

~ Vaya

 

[Pariahprose]

Ya, the first time I got them filled was January 30...created this thread two days later oddly enough n a geeked up moment of clarity...and here I am just a wk into the script and am already down to 9...Out of the 60 I got I gave away about ten away, my girl friend has been taking them 2 (which sucks bc I am helping make my problems hers as well),but she has maybe taken 8(at the most 10),the rest have been me think the most I have taken n a day was 8(160mg)...n seven days have slept at night for two of them...

I know which decision is best but its so hard! I also know that I am trying 2 make excuses 2 get them(been 2 rehab once and know about the things addicts do and say).However,that one stay n rehab,I was forced 2 go,which typically doesnt help the odds of sobreity bc the individual isnt the one really wanting it.I hadnt hit bottom yet,could this be the time where I reach my bottom,its likely if I dont quit while Im ahead. The real test will come at the end of the month when I will b faced with the decision 2 refill or not 2 refill. I knew what the answers wud b when I created this thread,I just needed someone 2 tell them 2 me...

Pariahprose

 

[Vaya]

I hope that you make what you know to be the correct decision for yourself, your health and your sobriety, my friend.

~ Vaya