How to leave an addict or help them

[Fightingback123]

Hi guys. I know I already made a similar post but can I get some advice on being in a relationship with someone with a heroin addiction? Me being the sober one. My man has used on and off again since we have been together nearly 10 years. We actually didnt live together fully until just this last year so maybe I never really knew if he was clean all the way. He was in probation for the longest time so I guess that just gave me comfort. Throughout the years it's been me finding his stash and he says oh I had a relapse. At the time I thought a relapse was u used like a few times over the weekemd or something now your done. Recently I've found he's been using daily several times per day for the last like four months probably longer...so what is the difference between using and a relapse because I feel like he is using again or hooked. I'm mad all the time and he just can't seem to figure out why because I think he's told himself so many times he doesn't have a problem believes it. Honestly guys im having a hard time leaving because he's such an awesome person without this... I always see the best and this potential in him that is so great. My days have become myself being addicted to just tracking if he's used and when how many times.. how high is he etc meanwhile we can't even talk about it because he won't even admit he has a problem. I guess I'm just looking for someone to nudge me in the right direction. He has no time for me then when he does he just sleeps because he's high. I just keep thinking he's going to stop. He goes to work and comes home and he just lives like everything is dandy and so normal meanwhile I'm in this position.. I dont get it at all.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

First, thanks for posting.

You need to divorce yourself from your SO's problems. You desperately need to realize that the only thing that might change him/her is themselves.

Do not joke yourself into thinking he/she is going to stop because you asked them to.

You need to realize you are just as powerless as they are...... Which might be hard to comprehend.

You need to realize just how powerless you both are.

Then, only then, might you realize....that all you can do is give love and advice....
As a police call goes over the radio...
As a mother wails in pain..
As a friend begs for unintended mercy...

Heroin takes no names, only ignored plea bargain

 

[JessFR]

This is a hard situation.

I've been on the other side of this, I was/am a heroin addict and my long term exbf was not and eventually it destroyed our relationship.

It's hard to say what the right answer is here because I don't know you or him and what might have been best for me may not be best for you.


But..imagining it having been me.. I think you'd be best to threaten to break things off if he doesn't get help. And if he doesn't... Do it. Break it off. Tell him you love him but he needs help, and until he decides to get it you can't be part of this.

If my BF had done that to me? I don't know, maybe I would have gotten help sooner before things got so bad that they became seemingly irreparable.

Heroin addicts, as well as just addicts in general, are often first class liars and manipulators. Even if they love you, they often can't help themselves but use you.

If you want to help him, if you love him but can't tolerate his addiction (and pretty much noone can unless they're also addicts which comes with its own host of problems) the best I can recommend is getting serious and telling him you're willing to help him and be there for him, but only if he's willing to get help.


Unfortunately if he really can't see a problem. He may choose not to get help. He may not be ready to put his relationship first.

I wasn't... And I paid a steep price for it. And I loved me ex, I did. But there was and still is a part of my soul that needed heroin more. Chances are he won't stop until he starts losing stuff in his life that he wants as badly as he wants his drug.

And that can sometimes be a LOT of stuff.

Good luck.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i would guess that your partner does know he has a problem, but is not yet ready to admit it out loud, or really even to himself. like you can know its not normal to use heroin multiple times a day and hate that you need it or you get ill but not put it together that its a problem. i did that for my first 18 months as a heroin addict, and only realised i'd been kidding myself once i got to rehab.

i know what its like to be obsessing over someone and their using. with my ex while i was at work and he didn't work it would do my nut in, partly cos i was jealous and partly cos i was financing his life, if not his daytime using directly.

you can leave and come back when he's better. that's what happened with my boyfriend. i actually dumped him when he started getting on my back about my using. it wasn't til over 5 years later that i was well enough to actually be in a relationship with him. in which time he'd moved to australia, then back here for me, but i'd not cared cos he was getting in the way of my using. i dunno why he put up with so much tbh but i'm so glad he didn't close the door, much as he would have been justified in doing so.

he's not going to stop if nothing changes. stop putting your life on hold for him to do so.

also, if he has had a long term opiate habit he will get something called the kindling effect every time he uses. this means if he does use on a one off, he will get sick. it happened to me when i used after 18 months clean off opiates. so if you're aware of him using once but he's not rattling, then he's actually using continuously.

 

[cduggles]

This might sound harsh, but I want you to take care of yourself, too.
The hardest lesson when you love an addict is that the best way to help an addict to quit, after all other possibilities and you are both exhausted, is to leave. And it’s better to leave before you’re too exhausted or bitter to maybe reconnect later.
Past a certain point you’re enabling them to use and they are walking all over you, even if they don’t really mean to do so. Then you’re either part of the problem or part of the motivation to find an answer and quit.
I don’t walk away from people easily in my life, but usually by the time I do, it’s usually a one-way street because I took too long to get there. So I’m not trying to pretend it’s easy.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I wouldnt encourage you to think of either yourself or your SO as powerless, this is fallacious psychobabble that prevents people from having the courage to get clean promoted by what is essentially at the heart of it a religious cult, even if it is quite a benign one.

Sorry if this is what you believe, if it's what works for you and is keeping you clean then I think that's great and you should continue doing what you are doing and I am really happy for you. I have to say what I see on this subject though. If addicts and the people around them were powerless then no one would ever get clean (unless god suddenly decides you get to be clean, which is the core of the 12 step beliefs of NA/AA). So if you think that you/he can believe there is an omnimpotent being that rules over us all and will let you be clean if you ask them nicely, then absolutely get him to a 12 step meeting and you will find lots of friendly people there and a support community that will be very helpful.

If, like many people, you think he will struggle with that then 12 step probably wont work out, and it is my opinion that the things they tell people there (you're totally powerless, you need to seek god to get clean, that there is a black and white division between addicts and non-addicts rather than it being a spectrum issue) actually hold a lot of people back from getting clean. You are NOT powerless, there are lots of things you can do to give him a better chance of coming round to a state of mind where he can get and stay clean. Now they may help, they may not, and it is important that you set your expectations to zero because the reality is whilst there are things you can do to help the change will have to come from him and you can't control that. One useful thing that is a core of 12 step meetings is so.ethjng called the serenity prayer. They like to hide the fact it is a Christian verse but it is, but it's still very powerful. I cant remember it word for word but the essential gist of it is that there are some things we van control, and some things that we cant, and that if we are able to identify which is which and accept the things we can't control and focus our energy on the things we can then we are most likely to be content and successful in life. This ties in with a well worn piece of philosophy that I believe dates back to a Roman legionairre or something that basically says all pain is caused by expectations not being met. The implication of course being that the less you expect then the less chance there is for you to be hurt, and you should keep this close in your mind with regards to your partner's recovery because they WILL fuck up. Things will not go smoothly, this is going to be a rocky road, but if you can keep your cool and protect yourself from hurt (I.e. control your expectations) that will mean you are able to give him the most help.

I'm actually writing a book on pretty much this subject right now because I realised that if someone is in the position you are in there isn't a single decent text that looks at substance abuse in a realistic and pragmatic way, and explains what people can expect, what the options for recovery are, what to expect from those options, why the way we deal with controlling substances and helping people with a problem is so ineffective at the moment etc etc

I just thought that was one important thing to say though, dont think of yourself as powerless because you are not. Just realise that if you set your expectations high they are likely not to be met over and over and this will mean the most pain for you and then you will lose motivation to help and you'll leave and they will be even more fucked. Set your expectations as low as your conscience will let you and that will give you the best chance for success, but NEVER think you are powerless.