Ok, so I tried it eventually, tonight. But the whole process took me back to a time where I had felt so much more courage, more like STUPIDITY. This made me shudder to realise my stupidity wasn't due to the fact I was naive and young, No! I was just plain old, simple STUPID!!
How had I survived, 3 years without making one fatal error? Was there such thing as luck?
So why was I tempting fate again? What the hell is wrong with me? Well actually, maybe it's due the attributes associated with "Borderline Personality Disorder." That's what I was diagnosed with about 12 months ago.
According to
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml#part_145386
Most people who have BPD suffer from:
Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
Impulsive and reckless behaviour
(Ding, ding, ding ?on that one)
Unstable relationships with other people.
People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders,
substance abuse ?,
and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.
I indeed show; impulsive and reckless behaviour, because I'm asking a question about drug dosage. (initial post).
But this is what I'd like to say about my thread topic
1. I did select a dose, which I eventually did administer &
2. This mental health illness, BPD and the prospect that one day and maybe sooner than later, I may have a more healthy, balanced, normal thinking brain like everyone else. Let me explain why.
Without a anyone's help (which I was furious about) I decided on a dose.
So I, (not the brainiest woman in the world) thought 10/mg /1ml would make or = .01mg/0.1ml.
Then I considered, if that's only 1mg of an opioid and mine was hydromorphone, then where should I start? My old self laughed at my now self, shaming me for dabbling in such a tiny, pitiful amount. At my worst, I would take the coating off 4 (pre new formulation) 40 mg OxyContin and injecting all in one dose.
But it had been a year since then and only 3/12 off Methadone. I wasn't even sure if I had zero tolerance.
But something was very new to me. For the first time in my life, that little ampule sat in a secret place for over 2 weeks, and some days I forgot it was there. And every time I did recall I had it, it was the wrong time of day should something go wrong and I had a long list of: why nots!!
Since my Dx and tapering off methadone, I have done a lot of inter personal work including Dialectical Behaviour Therapy where you learn coping skills, ones that I've never had before and so couldn't utilise till now.
I every hour I had checked my post, praying someone could just tell me how much to take, but barely a thing and NO direct advice on how much to use. And so I got mad, feeling abandoned (another trait of BPD) by the ONLY people who should really understand me. So I sulked. Not for long this time, because I had a thought that had never entered my mind before. Maybe? People are scared? Too scared to suggest anything? IDK!
If that was true? Thank-you ?
I know I'm not there yet (normal brain) but now, I do know I'm much closer. Because yesterday I drew up only 0.1ml. And tonight when I went to use it I decided to only use 1/2 of that.
And yes, I felt a rush, and NO, it was nothing like OxyContin which made me feel euphoric and alive and capable. No, this was very strong and as it ran through my veins and up into my head, a panic set in faster than the drug traveled and I was fearful that I had taken too much and would die. And then a numbness and dullness enveloped my brain. I could feel this thick fog dampening my senses. And I hated it! And then I hated me for being such a dick! Nothing i had just felt was worth the sensation I was feeling now.
I squirted the rest down the sink, grabbed the 0.9 I had left in the tiny ampule and tipped that down to.
Then took my grateful sorry arse down to bed to let my head defog back to normal which I hastened with mindfulness.
Thanks for letting me share this. Xx