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How to breakup with my girlfriend? Feeling very guilty and frustrated. PLEASE HELP

g_dan1

g_dan1

Bluelighter
Joined
May 24, 2015
Messages
277
Location
Blue York City
Hi everyone! This is my first time posting in this particular subforum. I need some real advice about my current relationship.
I've been together with my girlfriend for 10 months now. This is my first real relationship with a girl and it was a new experience for me. I learned alot about people, relationships, and women.
I'll start this off by giving some context to my current problems. When we started dating I was totally inexperienced. Didn't know how to act in certain situation and it always felt like she was in control of me. I had constant anxiety that one wrong move would make her to break up with me. We had alot of fights and conflicts. She is very emotional and jealous, but at the same time very committed to me.

In short, there was always something wrong with me in her eyes. She always wanted me to improve as a boyfriend. And I admit, I'm probably a not-so-good boyfriend and I have alot of things to improve as a boyfriend and a person in general. I have a VERY busy lifestyle and an intense school curriculum. She is the opposite of me, and she has so much free time and always complains that shes bored. This always causes her to be upset and blame me for not giving her enough love and thoughtfulness.

She is a very sweet, loyal, and loving girlfriend. She always gives me the most thoughtful gifts and writes me loving letters. But I have always been caught up in my work and my mind is really stressed. I simply can't do as much for her because of all the other stuff on my mind. The fact that I can't give her the same effort back upsets her ALOT and makes me feel very guilty, frustrated, and unhappy with life.

Long story short, we always had conflicts throughout our relationships because "I am not thoughtful enough, I don't make her feel special, I don't give her enough attention" She always starts thinking negatively and creates worst case scenarios in my head. During our honeymoon phase (first 5 months) of relationship, I was super worried about that and tried everything I could to make her feel better. However, when the school year started I was overloaded with work once again. I started having trouble focusing and this made me AND HER even more stressed (I had to resort to stimulants to finish my work.) We briefly broke up a week ago and now she came back to me cuz she misses me so much and she has no other close person in her live ATM.

The anxiety I used to get all the time from thinking I am not being a good boyfriend turned into frustration... She is making me feel like I am a bad boyfriend and keeps telling me stories she read and heard of "dream boyfriends" who do all those thoughtful things for their girls. I simply can't do that due to my busy lifestyle.

At this point, I want to break up with her but something is holding me back. I have anxiety and I always feel very guilty about things. I will feel very guilty for breaking her heart and giving up on her. She is in college right now, living with her one family member who she is not close with. Her parents are in another state. She only went to this college to stay with me, and this is another thing thats making me feel very guilty. She has no friends and no hobbies. Basically her only source of happiness is right now is ME, even though she always tells how upset she is because I'm not doing all those things for her...

I really need your guys' advice on what to do and how to approach this... I am very scared to break up with her and leave her feeling hurt with NO ONE around. But I just stopped loving her now... All the anxiety, frustration, and feeling guilty 24/7 made me lose some feelings for her. She has very high expectations for me. And I admit, I AM a shitty person. Or maybe she really got into my head and made me feel like I am... Idk... Somehow for her I am the best boyfriend and the best boyfriend at the same time.

I am Really sorry for a long paragraph... I know most people don't wanna read such a long post on the internet, but I couldn't really summarize it any shorter. I really need your guys advice on what to do. Should I breakup with her and leave her heartbroken and lonely with no one around to help? She is super committed to me, but right now the only feeling holding me back from leaving is guilt and pity...

Thank you very much for those who read the whole thing and thanks in advance for any responses that I receive :)

TL;DR: First serious relationship with a girl, she is super committed to me but has very high expectations, I can't meet those expectations no matter how hard I try and it makes her feel sad and makes me feel guilty. I don't feel any love anymore but I would feel very guilty and bad for her if I leave her heartbroken and without friends and family around. What should I do guys?
 
Another thing. She loves to make plans for the future and I feel like that gives her motivation and something to look forward to, which makes her happy. We made a lot of plans how we're gonna live together and have kids early (in 3-4 years). I know she will be very upset that I "gave up on our dreams" and it will make me feel very sad and guilty too..
 
You don't sound super confident about yourself. But it does actually sound like you like her a lot, and she is very committed to you. All of your issues sound like normal, run-of-the-mill relationship issues that can be solved with better communication.
Sounds like she needs something to do, hobbies, job, etc. You said she is "in college"--that's something at least.
She sounds like she has some fairytale view of what a spouse/partner "should" be. I mean, "dream boyfriends"? WTF does that mean?
I would challenge her on her unrealistic expectations.
I do not advocate breaking a relationship unless there is something completely insurmountable.
 
she needs to get a life and let you focus on your schoolwork, it wont be forever

its up to you what you do- defining yourself through guilt though is not the best idea.

she needs to get some friends and a life of her own- she's very clingy and thats part of the problem
 
Sucks to see another chick go through this. I've had a lot of my chick friends go off to a college just because their boyfriend at the time is leaving there too. Then they break up and the girl cries and hates her life and decisions. I've told chicks time and time again not to make this mistake for a guy, seems like a trend that young college girls need to get out of.
 
These parts trouble me:

"She is very emotional and jealous, but at the same time very committed to me... "In short, there was always something wrong with me in her eyes." "She is making me feel like I am a bad boyfriend and keeps telling me stories she read and heard of "dream boyfriends" who do all those thoughtful things for their girls."

These aren't signs of a loving girlfriend. They're signs of manipulation and abuse. If a guy starts being jealous and controlling, we're told that's a sign of impending physical abuse. With women, I'm sure it's a sign of the same thing or some variation, such as escalating verbal abuse or manipulation. She has an unrealistic expectation of what a boyfriend is supposed to do, and that's not likely to change just because you want it to. She can sense your guilt and self-doubt and is playing on it big time to get what she wants (more time, gifts, attention, etc from you).

Bottom line: If she truly cared about you, she would want you to succeed in school, work and other areas of life. She would not want you to be stressed out. Cut the cord and start the healing process now rather than dragging it out. Focus on your work and stay single for a while. Maybe see if there's some cheap or free counseling services at your school to work on your self-esteem and help you deal with the breakup.
 
When she complains about you not having enough time for her, flat out tell her it is who you are and if she can't accept it, she needs to move on. Put the ball in her court for once.
 
Lady Codone said:
These parts trouble me:

"She is very emotional and jealous, but at the same time very committed to me... "In short, there was always something wrong with me in her eyes." "She is making me feel like I am a bad boyfriend and keeps telling me stories she read and heard of "dream boyfriends" who do all those thoughtful things for their girls."

These aren't signs of a loving girlfriend. They're signs of manipulation and abuse. If a guy starts being jealous and controlling, we're told that's a sign of impending physical abuse. With women, I'm sure it's a sign of the same thing or some variation, such as escalating verbal abuse or manipulation. She has an unrealistic expectation of what a boyfriend is supposed to do, and that's not likely to change just because you want it to. She can sense your guilt and self-doubt and is playing on it big time to get what she wants (more time, gifts, attention, etc from you).

Bottom line: If she truly cared about you, she would want you to succeed in school, work and other areas of life. She would not want you to be stressed out. Cut the cord and start the healing process now rather than dragging it out. Focus on your work and stay single for a while. Maybe see if there's some cheap or free counseling services at your school to work on your self-esteem and help you deal with the breakup.
Click to expand...

Your post is spot on!

Personally, I would sit down with her, and talk to her about your differences. If she starts with the shaming and guilt trips, which she probably will, then part ways now before you end with a baseball bat to the back of the head! You both sound young, and you will both surely get over the relationship in time. But you both need to spend time by yourself, getting to know to people you want to be, not what you want each other to be. The only thing I would say, is to not leave it open ended, don't do the we can still be friends line, because it really is a line, and by the sounds of it, she would use it as an excuse to worm back into your bed!
 
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