How to begin getting better

[orangeden]

Sorry, this might not be the right place for this but it does seem like many others here. I used norcos for I think 5 years? Time gets blurry. Also benzos and stimulants but the physical addiction to norcos was the worst. It's amazing how easy it was for an outwardly functioning and boring person w a 9-5 job to access drugs. I was also very motivated. I know hydrocodone is seen as nothing much opiate-wise but I loved it. It was the perfect amount of euphoria for awhile, enough to coast through life without nodding out. Financially it wrecked me and I got into really shitty situations.

I lived in fear of being in wd at work but couldn't imagine life without them. The idea of tapering down was a joke. I knew I didn't have the will power and my life was empty. Almost a year ago it became too much. I got subs and have stayed on them since last summer. (This was not through a dr.) I didn't know what I was doing (still don't) but I knew to stay on a low dose. A year later I'm trying to taper down from 1.5mg a day. I'm sure that's still too high. The reason I didn't taper earlier is that I'm afraid of the cravings. I've heard people say that to be on subs for hydrocodone is ridiculous and maybe it is but I wasn't about to tell anyone and couldn't stop on my own. I didn't see any other way. The subs have been a lifesaver in many ways but I'm still relying on a substance. They take the cravings and obsession away and I can buy groceries without feeling near tears now. I don't live in constant fear/anxiety, but it is still there. That's because I haven't dealt with anything. I ended up telling a close friend about it and she gave me resources, online mtgs I could try, etc. But I haven't done a thing in a year. I should have made an active change, even exercising regularly and going to a mtg once a week.

I wonder how to start again in the right direction. I can't tell family, there's way too much drama in my family and I can't add to the stress. So I have to help myself/take the right steps. Just go to a mtg? Get on antidepressants? Taper w bananas (the kind w potassium) and exercise? I've read a lot of advice but you have to DO SOMETHING for it to be useful, unfortunately for me.

 

[herbavore]

Committing to change is scary--we trip ourselves up right at the beginning with all sorts of fears about failure. This is actually a ploy from our minds to stick with whatever is familiar--no matter how unhealthy. It might be a bad relationship, an addiction, the wrong major in college--we humans just don't like to change easily!

One thing that might help is to take the concept of failure right out of the paradigm, What if you simply start, without any big plans, just the ultimate goal to understand yourself and your life, the choices you have made so far and continue to make; it gives you permission to observe rather than judge. Then really put your heart into observing. What is a craving? Take it apart and no matter what the craving is for--a drug, a food, sex, material things, fame, etc--the real craving is always for love. So what can you do with that knowledge in the here and now? I think it is easier to deal with all the physical and emotional and psychological realities of WDs/PAWS etc when you know what is underneath all that. I'm putting my old hippie soul right out for ridicule by saying this but I'm going to say it anyway: make your life about creating love and compassion for yourself and every other being you meet and the day to day anxieties fall away more easily. I'm convinced that the urgency and desperation that accompany recovery attempts often exacerbate the elements of addiction. It's a balancing act for sure.

 

[orangeden]

Thank you, that made me tear up a little at work. I think being mindful of my actions/having some distance and observing what I do and what drives it, would be a good start.

 

[herbavore]

I struggle with motivation, too. I'm on the downhill slope of life (age-wise) and so I have finally accepted that motivation is not only not my strong point, but it has not actually prevented me from having a perfectly acceptable life. people have always commented on my talents but talents without motivation are nothing. I used to beat myself up for that and then I realized that I'm just as happy having a good conversation or taking a great solitary hike as I am painting or writing so whose life is it anyway?

I know this motivation is very different from the motivation you are talking about, though. You are looking for motivation to make changes. I once heard someone say, "We never change because we see the light; we change because we feel the heat." That has been pretty true for me.