washingtonbound
Bluelighter
Hi all, I don't mean to bore everyone with another one of my sob stories but I really need to share this. I have not been right since experiencing my first bout of drug induced psychosis nearly ten years ago. It changed me as a person entirely. Friends I could once rely on now won't touch me with a ten foot pole. The experience put my tendency to self degrade on overdrive. I'm worried I may have permanent Eustachian tube dysfunction from the self harm that resulted during the low spikes. I will share what happened in the hopes that others may be able to avoid it.
When I was in high school, my parents sent me to a "troubled teen" wilderness program after I was kicked of boarding school for weed and began ordering xanax online. My parents are both paranoid, straight laced boomer types who helicoptered over every aspect of my life from a young age. Not to say I wasn't a shitty kid at times, but being forcibly extracted from my bed at 6am and put on a plane to the Utah wilderness was a bit overkill in my opinion. While I was there one kid tried jumping into the campfire, another tried hanging himself and a host of other nasty things occurred. Anyway, when I finally got out of this system after a year, my anxiety had spiked tremendously. I was not the same kid my few friends from my small hometown had enjoyed. When I moved to Seattle for college, I carried a shitty energy with me.
During my first year of college, I began smoking THC concentrate daily. Usually I wouldn't exceed around a gram a day, but often times would smoke a gram or two per day of flower as well. I used LSD and ecstasy roughly once a month, although I had a nasty bender at a music festival in Georgia during which I used MDMA three times in one weekend along with LSD and ketamine. Shortly after this bender, I began seeing this girl who led me on relentlessly. She supposedly had a boyfriend back in Oregon, but led me on nonetheless. We had a falling out after I was put on probation for smoking weed in my dorm and was coming down terribly from ecstasy. I hated my school "Seattle University," so much that I was beginning to act out violent fantasies in my mind. My only friends were a few drug dealers that lived in a shoddy apartment complex in capitol hill and I was getting to the point of feeling suicidal for the first time in my life. This girl messed with my mind a lot and I began punching myself in the face due to agitation after we fell out. I ramped up my THC consumption significantly.
Anyway, my state of mind deteriorated rapidly over the course of the year. When I returned to Florida for the summer, I was hanging on by a mere thread. When my Dad got in my face for "smoking dope" with a friend, I threw my computer at him. Shortly afterwards I smoked more weed and completely snapped. Something "switched on" in my mind for lack of a better word and I began experiencing an acid flashback. At that point I completely lost reality. I would walk around in circles around my parent's house proclaiming to be a computer man who had hacked the secrets of numerology. In reality I was acting like an Asperger vegetable on overdrive. My friends found my behavior appalling and repugnant, and I was soon tossed in the psych ward and doped up on an abilify shot. From that point on my boomer parents were down my throat about anti psychotic and mood stabilizing medications, I was forced on many of them. Since this experience I've been in the ward on almost thirty separate occasions and had to recover from four separate paliperidone shots, as well a zucopentixol shot I received in England while studying abroad. I have since given up on college entirely and am currently unemployed.
Point of this rant is, the combination of my slight neurodivergence and drug induced psychosis has rendered my life a living hell. I feel that I'm garbage for not exercising more restraint to stay out of hospitals, and I resent my own family for throwing me into them. I recognize my own pathetic behavior and have minimal self respect. People have generally been shitty to me in the course of my life due to being different, starting around high school, and I generally hate life. Currently I live on my social security in Mexico and have no respect for myself for doing that either. What is the point of life? I have basically no friends, and resent my own family. Is it time to end it? I hate myself for acting like an Aspie vegetable over the years.
When I was in high school, my parents sent me to a "troubled teen" wilderness program after I was kicked of boarding school for weed and began ordering xanax online. My parents are both paranoid, straight laced boomer types who helicoptered over every aspect of my life from a young age. Not to say I wasn't a shitty kid at times, but being forcibly extracted from my bed at 6am and put on a plane to the Utah wilderness was a bit overkill in my opinion. While I was there one kid tried jumping into the campfire, another tried hanging himself and a host of other nasty things occurred. Anyway, when I finally got out of this system after a year, my anxiety had spiked tremendously. I was not the same kid my few friends from my small hometown had enjoyed. When I moved to Seattle for college, I carried a shitty energy with me.
During my first year of college, I began smoking THC concentrate daily. Usually I wouldn't exceed around a gram a day, but often times would smoke a gram or two per day of flower as well. I used LSD and ecstasy roughly once a month, although I had a nasty bender at a music festival in Georgia during which I used MDMA three times in one weekend along with LSD and ketamine. Shortly after this bender, I began seeing this girl who led me on relentlessly. She supposedly had a boyfriend back in Oregon, but led me on nonetheless. We had a falling out after I was put on probation for smoking weed in my dorm and was coming down terribly from ecstasy. I hated my school "Seattle University," so much that I was beginning to act out violent fantasies in my mind. My only friends were a few drug dealers that lived in a shoddy apartment complex in capitol hill and I was getting to the point of feeling suicidal for the first time in my life. This girl messed with my mind a lot and I began punching myself in the face due to agitation after we fell out. I ramped up my THC consumption significantly.
Anyway, my state of mind deteriorated rapidly over the course of the year. When I returned to Florida for the summer, I was hanging on by a mere thread. When my Dad got in my face for "smoking dope" with a friend, I threw my computer at him. Shortly afterwards I smoked more weed and completely snapped. Something "switched on" in my mind for lack of a better word and I began experiencing an acid flashback. At that point I completely lost reality. I would walk around in circles around my parent's house proclaiming to be a computer man who had hacked the secrets of numerology. In reality I was acting like an Asperger vegetable on overdrive. My friends found my behavior appalling and repugnant, and I was soon tossed in the psych ward and doped up on an abilify shot. From that point on my boomer parents were down my throat about anti psychotic and mood stabilizing medications, I was forced on many of them. Since this experience I've been in the ward on almost thirty separate occasions and had to recover from four separate paliperidone shots, as well a zucopentixol shot I received in England while studying abroad. I have since given up on college entirely and am currently unemployed.
Point of this rant is, the combination of my slight neurodivergence and drug induced psychosis has rendered my life a living hell. I feel that I'm garbage for not exercising more restraint to stay out of hospitals, and I resent my own family for throwing me into them. I recognize my own pathetic behavior and have minimal self respect. People have generally been shitty to me in the course of my life due to being different, starting around high school, and I generally hate life. Currently I live on my social security in Mexico and have no respect for myself for doing that either. What is the point of life? I have basically no friends, and resent my own family. Is it time to end it? I hate myself for acting like an Aspie vegetable over the years.
