How Can I Support My Significant Other?

[Imwideaw4ke]

About 3 months ago I found out my girlfriend was using Vicodin regularly. She told me this because being a paramedic I saw the signs and symptoms and finally manned up to ask about it. she told me she was getting clean and using suboxone for about a month but something just wasn't sitting right. After one night of coming home to find her nodding out on the couch I did some snooping around and found a make up bag under her bathroom sink full of cotton swabs, needles, a spoon, and some other paraphernalia. When I confronted her she told me it was old from when her old boyfriend got her hooked on the stuff. she told me she got rid of it then the next day I found the same bag in a new hiding place. Confronted her again only for her to tell me that she used needles a month ago when she lost her job, but she is truly clean now. Now she swears she is clean and only using suboxone to get by, I've been looking around again and haven't found anything except a iodine cleaning swab and some paper towel with little blood spots on it in a plastic bag in her bathrooms trash. I've had suspicions the whole time that she is still using needles but I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested rehab, vivitrol, counseling, seeing a doctor, but she is not doing any of it, saying she can do this on her own with occasional suboxone and xanax which makes her act just the same as when she would get high. I guess what I'm asking is if suboxone and xanax will make you feel the same high(with pinpoint pupils), and with all the lying about that bag I found does it seem legit that she is getting clean? I'm new to this whole thing, I love her and I want to get her help if she needs it but I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

 

[Broken74]

About 3 months ago I found out my girlfriend was using Vicodin regularly. She told me this because being a paramedic I saw the signs and symptoms and finally manned up to ask about it. she told me she was getting clean and using suboxone for about a month but something just wasn't sitting right. After one night of coming home to find her nodding out on the couch I did some snooping around and found a make up bag under her bathroom sink full of cotton swabs, needles, a spoon, and some other paraphernalia. When I confronted her she told me it was old from when her old boyfriend got her hooked on the stuff. she told me she got rid of it then the next day I found the same bag in a new hiding place. Confronted her again only for her to tell me that she used needles a month ago when she lost her job, but she is truly clean now. Now she swears she is clean and only using suboxone to get by, I've been looking around again and haven't found anything except a iodine cleaning swab and some paper towel with little blood spots on it in a plastic bag in her bathrooms trash. I've had suspicions the whole time that she is still using needles but I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested rehab, vivitrol, counseling, seeing a doctor, but she is not doing any of it, saying she can do this on her own with occasional suboxone and xanax which makes her act just the same as when she would get high. I guess what I'm asking is if suboxone and xanax will make you feel the same high(with pinpoint pupils), and with all the lying about that bag I found does it seem legit that she is getting clean? I'm new to this whole thing, I love her and I want to get her help if she needs it but I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

100% relate, right down to the bold spotted napkins/tissue. Trying to find the answers myself and I'm not so sure there is a "by George you've got it! answer"... as much as trying to ride it out and encourage a better path so my my bf has somewhere to turn when he naked that decision. That's what I've decided for the time being.

 

[Broken74]

About 3 months ago I found out my girlfriend was using Vicodin regularly. She told me this because being a paramedic I saw the signs and symptoms and finally manned up to ask about it. she told me she was getting clean and using suboxone for about a month but something just wasn't sitting right. After one night of coming home to find her nodding out on the couch I did some snooping around and found a make up bag under her bathroom sink full of cotton swabs, needles, a spoon, and some other paraphernalia. When I confronted her she told me it was old from when her old boyfriend got her hooked on the stuff. she told me she got rid of it then the next day I found the same bag in a new hiding place. Confronted her again only for her to tell me that she used needles a month ago when she lost her job, but she is truly clean now. Now she swears she is clean and only using suboxone to get by, I've been looking around again and haven't found anything except a iodine cleaning swab and some paper towel with little blood spots on it in a plastic bag in her bathrooms trash. I've had suspicions the whole time that she is still using needles but I don't know what to do anymore. I've suggested rehab, vivitrol, counseling, seeing a doctor, but she is not doing any of it, saying she can do this on her own with occasional suboxone and xanax which makes her act just the same as when she would get high. I guess what I'm asking is if suboxone and xanax will make you feel the same high(with pinpoint pupils), and with all the lying about that bag I found does it seem legit that she is getting clean? I'm new to this whole thing, I love her and I want to get her help if she needs it but I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

I know these still may be half truths Broken74 but in the short term it does sound like your 'soft' chipping into his claims appears to be paying off somewhat.

The sex thing is not a side note, and an addiction to a healthy SL with your partner is of course not an addiction at all, just a deep desire for something that is genuinely positive - it's a basic emotional and physical need from ones partner when in a close relationship but unfortunately (again you guessed it) opiate use is extremely good at suppressing ones appetite for such.......

Sex is vital to me and I'm at a point where I know it's addiction also. Why does he get to get high daily when I can't even have sex once a month?

This morning, as he was completely sober and leaving for work he said "I know I have an issue and I promise im trying to get through it and will work on it" . I thought that was a tremendous step. Last night was awful. I'm surprised he remembers any of our conversation.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Imwideaw4ke, welcome to BL!

I suggest you ask your partner what she wants. Does she want to get off Suboxone and Xanax? It sounds like you would like her to, but I wonder what she thinks about it.

Hope you are doing well. Nothing can be more painful than being in love with someone who struggle with substance use, boy do I know (both as a substance user, a lover of other substance users, and someone aware of the fact I am loved by people who do not necessarily use substances the way I do).

 

[Moreaux]

Dealing with an addicted partner is both difficult and painful. Imwideaw4ke - it sounds like your partner is not being honest with you as most people don't forget where they've stashed little baggies and needles etc, and the tissue with little blood spots is downright damning.

I strongly recommend you find an ALNON Meeting and learn more about addiction and living/supporting an addict. I think you should set some very clear and concrete boundaries for yourself on what you will and will not tolerate with respect to your partner and the addiction. Addicts can be wickedly convincing and manipulative, and if you don't stick to your boundaries you're liable to go right down the rabbit hole with them. How long have you guys been dating and do you live together?

 

[simco]

I think TPD's point is right on the money: it would be a good thing to ask your girlfriend what she wants to happen and how you can help.

I'm in the first couple weeks of cleaning up. Prior to this, my wife and I were involved in a dynamic similar to the one you've described. She kept finding indications that I was still using, then I'd lie or swear that *this* time I really would stop. It became kind of an arms race between her and me--me trying to find better and better ways to hide the truth, and her getting less and less trusting (with good reason). Now, it's way too early to say that I've got this all figured out. But I will say that something clicked between us when I decided to bring her in as an ally on my recovery. I asked her some very concrete things to do--she doles out my daily naltrexone pill and a friend is urine testing me every two days...I then send a photo of the urine test to my wife and a couple other people on my side.

The reason I mention the details is not so much to encourage you to implement the same regime. Rather, I'm trying to stress that things worked much better once my wife and I got some shared goals. This required a lot of uncomfortable discussions and mutual compromises. But, in my opinion, if an addict such as me (or possibly your GF) feels like they're under a lens, being judged, and/or being coerced away from what they believe they need, it's *really* hard to cultivate much honesty with them.

 

[Imwideaw4ke]

We have been together for a year, I recently have been staying with my parents after all the lies and fighting I needed some space plus I'm trying to save up money and buy a house which seemed impossible living with her and paying bills she couldn't afford due to being unemployed( I felt like I was just enabling by living there). I'm trying to set boundaries but I guess I really need to learn to say "no" and stick to my guns. She says she wants to get off the suboxone, but keeps using it. I saw her actually detox(from what I thought was Vicodin at the time) and when she was sober I saw a huge difference in her personality and it made other times that she was high extremely obvious to me. But now I feel like she is in between some where. Not quite as fucked up as she used to get but not quite sober either. Would suboxone and Xanax have that effect?

 

[Imwideaw4ke]

Honestly if she doesn't want to get off the Xanax and Suboxone right now that's fine, I realize it is better than they alternative. It just makes it difficult for me to hold her accountable because I can't tell whether she is really off opiates or just using less until this all blows over.

 

[aihfl]

Honestly if she doesn't want to get off the Xanax and Suboxone right now that's fine, I realize it is better than they alternative.

I'm not so sure about that. Out of all the substances I've detoxed off of, benzos were by far the worst. I'm not asking this question necessarily because I'm looking for a reply here, and you've sort of alluded to it when you mentioned the unemployment (and by extension, I'm guessing not being able to contribute financially to your household), but what is your tolerance to the current situation? How is it affecting you? I can't really help because I've always been the one with the problem, but I think going to Al-Anon or Narco-Anon is probably a good idea.

 

[Imwideaw4ke]

I have been extremely tolerant and only wanting to help. I've explained to her that using drugs won't make me leave her, but hiding it and lying about it will. I'm only trying to be an active member of her recovery but I feel like I'm being shut out, which in turn makes me feel like she doesn't truly want to get clean. She know that being honest with me doesn't have negative consequences but lying does.

 

[Imwideaw4ke]

It affects me by making me feel like I'm sharing her with a substance that temporarily takes her away from me, and being a paramedic I know where that road leads if she doesn't truly get clean(Dead or in jail). So I'm constantly on edge just waiting for the next crisis and thinking about our future. i feel like I'm constantly patching holes just waiting for another relapse or the truth to come out. I feel betrayed and angry but I know I have to put that aside if I'm going to be able to help. But that feeling of being on edge and waiting for disaster is terrible.

 

[aihfl]

It's a tough call. My ex-wife used to tell me if I wanted to drink (my DOC was primarily alcohol), I don't need to hide it because she knows I'm doing it anyway, but of course I continued to attempt to hide it. I knew I was doing something I shouldn't be doing and was ashamed enough to hide it, but not ashamed enough to actually stop drinking and try to do something about it. So I totally get the behavior pattern. Having been through a codependent marriage (toward the end) and a codependent relationship, I believe in the end it all comes down to how destructive the addict's behavior becomes to the non-addicted partner's peace of mind and sense of well-being. Good luck to you both.

 

[herbavore]

It affects me by making me feel like I'm sharing her with a substance that temporarily takes her away from me, and being a paramedic I know where that road leads if she doesn't truly get clean(Dead or in jail). So I'm constantly on edge just waiting for the next crisis and thinking about our future. i feel like I'm constantly patching holes just waiting for another relapse or the truth to come out. I feel betrayed and angry but I know I have to put that aside if I'm going to be able to help. But that feeling of being on edge and waiting for disaster is terrible.

This is where al-anon can be very helpful. I never was a fan of the steps--nothing wrong with them I just have an aversion to being told what to do--and I did not like a lot of the jargon/rules, etc but to me they hit the nail on the head with this: you cannot fix anything but your own craziness around the other person's addiction. I was so wound up in my son's addiction that we might as well have shared the same skin. It smothered him and it made me feel crazy and always on the edge of crisis like you are describing. The minute I stopped trying to fix him and turned to fixing myself, we became allies again. We still had rough times--addiction is brutally painful for everyone concerned--but once I was able to let go and truly understand that letting go was not the same as giving up on him, he was able to shed one layer of the trap (which was lying to mom and feeling guilty about it). My son did not make it and I honestly do not know what it would have been like to go through for years what we were going through before he died. I imagine myself having to set different boundaries and I can't imagine doing that at the same time--make no mistake, I understand your pain. I hope that you will always retain the compassion that you have now--no matter what you decide is right for yourself. Addicts blame themselves for everything--their own pain, the pain they perceive themselves causing to loved one, to society and probably even that a dog got hit by a car two streets over--so it is a tricky dance setting boundaries while still being supportive and compassionate.